Have you ever been dumped?

tolteq

How did you take it.

And how did you get on with ur life after it.

AARRRGH

Yeah, it sucks.

I was with a girl for 3-ish years and got dumped out of the blue. It totally stunned me.

For about two weeks I was having panic attacks and was totally confused. Couldn't really concentrate on work and was in a lot of pain.

I remember it got easier though, e.g. the third week was better than the second week, the fourth week was better than the third week, etc.

The advice I would give you is -

1. If it's a real break up, cut all contact. Staying in touch just prolongs the pain.
2. Do NOT put your ex up on a pedestal. Right now you probably think you've lost the best person ever, but I promise, in 12 months you'll remember all their bad points and realise you were too good for them. Seriously, don't let your brain trick you into thinking you've lost some sort of angel.
3. Keep yourself busy. Whether this means volunteering, hanging out with friends, joining a sports club, or whatever, if your mind is occupied you will be in less pain, and will recover quicker.
4. Some people recommend you sleep with someone else, just to get your mind off your ex. This worked for me, but it doesn't work for everyone.

Best of luck.

Wibbs

Yep. With women I didn't really care about it was still a bit of a wrench even if I wasn't pushed about continuing. The whole rejection thing still kicked in. With women I cared about it was always unpleasant, but relatively easy to get past. With women I've actually loved it was far harder. Ripped the very guts out of me TBH. I was completely in shock and adrift and couldn't think straight emotionally for up to six months and it skewed me emotionally for about a year in both cases.

It does get better as AARRRGH says, but only if you let it. AARRRGH's list is spot on advice and would do you well to follow it.

The only thing I would add, is first you have to accept it's over. That I think is actually the hardest part. It certainly was for me. The rest while difficult is a helluva lot easier once you pass that hurdle.

star-pants

tolteq wrote: »

Have you ever been dumped?

Many times.

How did you take it.

Badly, but it's harder when you loved them.

And how did you get on with ur life after it.

both guys there are right - it's all about changing things in your life.
IF it's really over - the hardest part is accepting that, Wibbs is spot on with that. And that's something I personally find the hardest.
You need to replace time spent with them with other things, get out, socialise, get involved in things, keep busy. Doesn't mean you won't miss them or feel sad, it just means you're not letting yourself have too much time to dwell. Like a better spaced out version of dealing.

If it's really over, zero contact is unfortunately for the best really. I've had contact and no contact, tbh, I dunno which is better (But that's just me). Not having contact eliminates the hope aspect, and the picking at the wound. To some degree.

Getting with someone else works for some people (Doesn't work for me) as it shows them that they can move on I guess. But it can backfire too and just make you feel awful. (you'll know yourself which of these is you).

Getting rid of things that remind you of them is another good idea, clear the area of reminders, whether it's returning things or boxing them up for a while. Nothing worse than sitting around and seeing everything around you that is of them. Blocking them from social networking sites (if ye are on any) is good because they can't see you, and you can't see them. We all know everyone stalks and it never helps.

Sometimes it's good to write a letter saying everything you wanted to to them, and read over it, and burn it (safely) when done. It's said to be therapeutic and a release.

Do things for you, give yourself a treat every so often.

Time is the biggest healer, IF you let it.

dreamlogic

All great advice above.

I would just add to look after your health and wellbeing. If you're feeling down it's easy to forget to eat properly etc. which eventually will make you feel worse because your body isn't getting the nutrients it needs.

If the breakup happened recently, keep your mind as occupied as possible, whether that be with work, or leisure activities that you enjoy. Avoid opportunities to sit around going over what happened.

Be careful about over-doing alcohol, drugs etc. to "escape". It doesn't really work and often will only exaggerate how you feel if you're already feeling bad about things.

I agree with this: time heals if you let it.

SamuelFox

Hi OP,
About five/six months ago I was in your position posting the exact same question here. I was in the same situation, I had been dumped out of the blue and I was devastated. People said to me then what I’m going to say to you now- there is no easy way out, its going to be a **** few weeks and months for you. It’s a horrible place to be in and my heart goes out to you. Basically, until it happened to me I had no idea how hard it was. I was with my ex about a year but to be honest it wasn’t love so I can’t imagine what its like for people deeper into it than I was.
The only advice I can give are two small points – firstly, and most importantly, don’t blame yourself, or rush into hasty decisions. Give yourself a while to come to terms with things, then have a really good think about how you feel – probe your feelings and see if there is a chance that maybe you are better off. Think back over the time you were with her and see how good the good times were and how bad the bad times were. Be honest with yourself; remember that before he/she came along there was a you that was most likely quite happy and that person can come back if you let it.
Secondly, maybe more importantly, keep yourself occupied. I spent the weeks following my break-up on my own, brooding over stuff, imagining ways of getting her back. It didn’t work, and it caused me a few weeks of misery that I didn’t deserve. Take up a new sport (worked for me) or throw yourself into work (also worked for me, plus got to know my class mates a lot better). Pick one or two close friends that you can chat with and limit discussing your feelings to them – when you get through this, as you certainly will, you won’t want randomers knowing how low you were.
At the end of the day though you have a tough few months ahead – people say that six months is what it takes. You will have good days, great days and some days you will feel so ****, even months after the event. Prepare yourself to see a different side of your ex- I discovered (two weeks ago) that my ex cheated on me around the time that we considered the “best” time in our relationship, today I found out she’s seeing another guy that she vehemently denied cheating on me with – **** like that can only take you down if you let it, although it’ll be a struggle. Also, as time passes you’ll look back on the relationship differently- so many people believe that they have lost “the one” only to realise after a few months apart that they haven’t.
Even if getting back together is on the cards take your time. Being dumped will hit your confidence and security – be careful that if you rush back into you aren’t conceding that you can’t live without them, as that will really change the balance of the relationship, plus give them a green light to do it again! I honesty believe that its choices that decide how we get on – if you decide that you won’t settle for someone who dosent deserve you then in the long run you’ll be better off, but it takes strong will to make that decision.

Good luck!

Lorrs33

Yeah, but I wasn't with the guy that long. I think the worst part was it was my first relationship and it didn't get a chance to develop, so I spent a lot of time trying to work out what I could've done even though I knew it wasn't working.

I don't think I'm capable of dumping anyone myself, tbh.

AARRRGH

Lorrs33 wrote: »

I don't think I'm capable of dumping anyone myself, tbh.

I find it very difficult, and I still feel guilty about the two ex's I have dumped.

The idea that I made them sad, and hurt them, makes me very sad.

Blossoming love is such a nice thing, but dying love... gah, it's horrid.

gaeilgegrinds

No but I did dump a guy once and felt horrible doing it. Every other time they were completely **********s!!!

Tea Spoon

The most important thing to emphasise if it is truly finished is to sever all ties with whoever it is and simply do not communicate anymore. Tough maybe but it's the best way.

Because unless contact is done away with, the situation is comparable to picking a scab and instead of letting it heal, risk an infection. (Sorry if that grossed anyone out by the way).

Salome

Good analogy Tea Spoon!

Give yourself time to heal and grieve. Cut all contact. When you're ready, be open to new things.

Pick yourself up.
Dust yourself down.
And start all over again.

Don't let this relationship ending dictate your future. Not every relationship works out but each one is a learning curve. See it as a stepping stone to the one that will go the distance.

turgon

And one thing as well is that break ups can be a positive thing, though you may not realize it at the time.

One of my "cases" was like another poster above - long term relationship with lots and lots cheating at the end and new boyfriend already when she broke up with yours truly. The usual stuff happened, semi depression etc. It didnt get better until I started ignoring her ("cutting all contact").

That was nearly a year ago and you should see the girl Im with now! On every "criteria" you could possibly judge a girl shes better, and that not being biased at all. My current gf is better looking (a lot lot better looking) and a lot more intelligent, so we have great chats.

So Im actually glad I got dumped, one year later. Things change you know.

Wibbs

turgon wrote: »

And one thing as well is that break ups can be a positive thing, though you may not realize it at the time.

Very very true. I have come to realise that there are two outcomes to most things in life, success and/or wisdom. Failure, real failure only happens when you don't learn something from not succeeding. In this situation that goes double.

That_Guy

Getting dumped is rough especially when you've been in a long relationship and you loved that person.

Really does take time but the most important thing is to not hate yourself or think negatively about yourself. I know I felt like I was worthless, ugly and was really down in the dumps until I thought, "Fcuk it. She went out with me in the first place so I couldn't have been all that bad really".

Now that you're single you're going to have lots of time so make sure to fill that time wisely. Take some time for yourself but try not to get into a slump like I did. As long as you've a good circle of friends around you you'll be fine. Friends will always be there for you no matter what and they'll always help you out and get you through it.

I can guarantee you that in a month or two you'll really start loving single life. No commitment and you're free as a bird to do whatever you please.

LegacyUser

I'm just wondering how long does it take before you can accept that its over? I've only been broken up 2 months now and haven't accepted its over at all and I need to know how do you reach that stage? I just can't imagine not picturing us together in the future eventhough my ex told me we have no future. Hes happy for us to be good friends and wants to keep seeing me but I'm still in love with him so being friends is never gonna be enough so I've had to cut contact. I'm feeling much better than before but I'm not really moving on.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

I just can't imagine not picturing us together in the future eventhough my ex told me we have no future. Hes happy for us to be good friends and wants to keep seeing me but I'm still in love with him so being friends is never gonna be enough so I've had to cut contact. I'm feeling much better than before but I'm not really moving on.

You will. Cutting contact is the thing. Otherwise you're picking at an emotional scab. If you're tempted to contact him, don't. Friendship is a downgrade. He clearly doesn't feel enough for you to consider you a lover and a future to share, so why give him the bits he thinks he wants?

It's only two months and probably less than that since you talked or met him as "friends". Give yourself time.

LegacyUser

my boyfriend of a year broke up with me yesterday which for me was totally out of the blue! I loved him so much but apparently he says he was mad about me, i ment the world to him but he didnt think he loved me...
he had said he loved me during our relationship which is why i am so shocked, apparently he wanted to make me happy and still be with me! i feel SO cheated and lied to! i dont know what to be thinking...how could he lie and pretend like that it makes me so angry and i just feel so hurt! was is ALL a lie!!
He still wants to be friends as i mean so much to him but i just cant yet although its pathetic i do still want to see him but it wouldnt help. sorry about the long rant any advice would be great and it helped so much reading the above threads

LegacyUser

Well i agree, no contact is key...dead on!

my ex, who broke up with me 3 months ago, contact me from time to time via yahoo messenger, pretty much i try not to go on BUT when i do he message me everytime...
and for what....yep, booty call!! so be aware of that too, guys wanna stay friends and hangout...and next thing you know you will end up in bed in the hope to remind him how great it was...but the next morning you will STILL be broken up and heartbroken all over again!

It hasnt happen to me but I KNOW thats what would happen if i get weak and end up in bed with him.
No matter what he says, "i still love you, i miss you...bla bla bla " be careful cos now he just wants to be good friends but it could happens...

Never a guy realised he wanted to get back with his ex cos they had "sex buddy time" and it was amamzing!!;)

So again, i feel for you, 3 months for me and i still havent accept the breakup, only doing now the no contact cos i cant keep chatting with him and pretend im all good, cos im not.

SO yep, do the no contact and take it day by day, im trying myself and god knows how hard it is to accept he doesnt love you enough to stay together.

bestluck

el_tiddlero

well just like the poster at 8:46 i too was dumped yesterday. I never saw it coming so now i'm just in shock. I've felt physically ill since it happened. My ex (as she is now, i suppose) decided she wanted to throw away our 5 years of happiness so she could go out with someone else. I don't even know who they are, or how the pair of them managed to figure out they wanted to be together, unless she had been lying to me about where she was going recently.

I feel awful, i've been dumped before, and those times were pretty bad, but i don't remember it being like this. I couldn't sleep last night, and i really don't know what to do. I feel embarassed to call up any of my friends to tell them. I know i should, and that they'd help, but i just can't will up the courage to do it.

I'm about to be made redundant on wednesday week, and i thought it was ok, because at least i had someone to help and support me through it. Now i find myself alone and clueless, and i'm really scared.

I don't know if i'm looking for advice posting here, i just wanted to put down what's happening to me. Hopefully the universe will hear it and help me out.

legend365

el_tiddlero wrote: »

well just like the poster at 8:46 i too was dumped yesterday. I never saw it coming so now i'm just in shock. I've felt physically ill since it happened. My ex (as she is now, i suppose) decided she wanted to throw away our 5 years of happiness so she could go out with someone else. I don't even know who they are, or how the pair of them managed to figure out they wanted to be together, unless she had been lying to me about where she was going recently.

I feel awful, i've been dumped before, and those times were pretty bad, but i don't remember it being like this. I couldn't sleep last night, and i really don't know what to do. I feel embarassed to call up any of my friends to tell them. I know i should, and that they'd help, but i just can't will up the courage to do it.

I'm about to be made redundant on wednesday week, and i thought it was ok, because at least i had someone to help and support me through it. Now i find myself alone and clueless, and i'm really scared.

I don't know if i'm looking for advice posting here, i just wanted to put down what's happening to me. Hopefully the universe will hear it and help me out.

Man call up your friends and just hang out. Being alone will just wreck your head thinking about everything.

el_tiddlero

legend365 wrote: »

Man call up your friends and just hang out. Being alone will just wreck your head thinking about everything.

cheers dude. i did the other day, and it worked wonders. i'm just trying to make sure i've something to do every day so i don't end up just sitting around thinking about it.

it's still pretty horrible though, i'm really not enjoying having to tell the same story to every person i meet that i haven't seen yet. it's like it's just happened again each time i talk about it for the first time with someone. And then with some people, who you know are already aware of it, it can get ignored and there's just this elephant in the room.. i don't want to be bringing everyone down with my tales of woe, but i also don't want to just pretend that everything is normal and fine.

in short, although the world hasn't ended, this really, really sucks.