Suspected cheating

LegacyUser · 06-05-2009 9:45pm #1

Hi
Sorry in advance for the long post.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two years and am currently 5 months pregnant with our first baby. But recently everything has gone belly up. I've tried talking to him about it but he just tells me im being paranoid and its my hormones but I'm sure its not.

Basically at the start of April, he started to spend all his time on the computer and would never leave his phone lying around (to the extent that he sleeps with it under his pillow), Then in the middle of April he went on a work night out. He told me he was staying in a friend of ours as we live a good bit away but the next morning i discover that he didn't stay where he said he would. He says he stayed in his workmates house (i dont know the workmate).

From then, I went on full alert. He got really angry all the time and on a couple of occasions scared me while we had a fight and was never like this before. So I know its sneaky and I shouldnt do it, but i started to check his emails. There wasn't many so I think he deleted a good lot but a few sent to this one girl who I never heard of. There was nothing incriminating but they were heavily flirty In the end he gives his mobile and says to text him. Thats the end of it. She did ask if he had any news and he didnt mention me or the baby.

Anyway, now I see on his phone records online (he knows i use it for webmail) that he sent a picture message to her at 1am this morning just after I went to bed. I can't think why you would send a picture message to a girl at that time unless there was something going on. Managed to get his phone to "take a number" today but this girls number isn't saved.

Have I reason to be suspicious or am I blowing this out of proportion? I'm so tempted to just call this girl and ask out straight whats going on. I know it could put my relationship on the line if im wrong but i cant see myself being able to take this much longer. Im not normally jealous so there would be no reason to hide a friendship from me.

Any help would be appreciated.

dellas1979 · 06-05-2009 10:03pm

What would you do if you did find out he was cheating?

I would simply and calmly say to him that as his pregnant girlfriend you have seen these things and deserve the right to know what is going on so that you can make provisions for you and your unborn child.

LegacyUser · 06-05-2009 10:12pm

If I knew he cheated I would kick him out. Child or no child, id rather my child be in a one parent home than one where mammy hates daddy.

When it comes to the talking, there is no talking to him. He lies a lot, ive only found this out recently but pretty much at the start of our relationship he told me he had been single a month but now know that he was living with his ex until a week after we got together. And I know this may sound petty, but he always told me i was the only girl he said i love you too but I've seen messages sent to a girl he was with years ago saying things like I love you always (none of these were while he was with me).

themadchef · 06-05-2009 10:39pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi
Sorry in advance for the long post.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over two years and am currently 5 months pregnant with our first baby. But recently everything has gone belly up. I've tried talking to him about it but he just tells me im being paranoid and its my hormones but I'm sure its not.

Basically at the start of April, he started to spend all his time on the computer and would never leave his phone lying around (to the extent that he sleeps with it under his pillow), Then in the middle of April he went on a work night out. He told me he was staying in a friend of ours as we live a good bit away but the next morning i discover that he didn't stay where he said he would. He says he stayed in his workmates house (i dont know the workmate).

From then, I went on full alert. He got really angry all the time and on a couple of occasions scared me while we had a fight and was never like this before. So I know its sneaky and I shouldnt do it, but i started to check his emails. There wasn't many so I think he deleted a good lot but a few sent to this one girl who I never heard of. There was nothing incriminating but they were heavily flirty In the end he gives his mobile and says to text him. Thats the end of it. She did ask if he had any news and he didnt mention me or the baby.

Anyway, now I see on his phone records online (he knows i use it for webmail) that he sent a picture message to her at 1am this morning just after I went to bed. I can't think why you would send a picture message to a girl at that time unless there was something going on. Managed to get his phone to "take a number" today but this girls number isn't saved.

Have I reason to be suspicious or am I blowing this out of proportion? I'm so tempted to just call this girl and ask out straight whats going on. I know it could put my relationship on the line if im wrong but i cant see myself being able to take this much longer. Im not normally jealous so there would be no reason to hide a friendship from me.

Any help would be appreciated.

No one here can say for a fact if he is or is not having a fling / cheating on you. You have to decide for yourself based on what you know and feel and what he tells you. Look him in the eye, ask him straight.

The question you have to ask yourself though is "am i happy, are we happy, is this relationship working" if you dont believe him when you ask him about things and explain your feelings to him, then clearly you have a choice to make.

If he is evasive, telling you to cop on etc, then lay it on the line for him. Maybe there's absolutely nothing going on, but any relationship that has a chance of survival is based on trust. You no longer have that. Let him know beyond doubt how you're feeling!

Dont pick a bad time, dont do it when you're emotionally drained or angry, or when he's just in from work or the pub. Plan it, ask him to be available for a discussion about your relationship. Write things down if you have to (God knows i was a scatter brain when i was pregnant). Ultimately you have to make a choice based on his answers and how you feel about the whole relationship. If it comes to it, you can do this alone. Do not go in there though with preconceptions of how things are. Wait to hear him out, things can seem worse than what they are when you're emotional, you say this started around the begining of April... thats just a Month so maybe, just maybe he needs some one to talk to? All i'm saying is Don't make your decision till you hear everything he has to say. If he chooses to ignore you feelings, tries to make out you're just a bit OTT about the whole thing......... then, i'm sorry to say, that's not a happy way forward. You need to be able to trust each other. There is no other way.

best of luck

tolteq · 06-05-2009 10:44pm

kick him out. be decisive and ur life will improve for it. all this hmmmming usually ends up ruining things. *life experience*

LegacyUser · 06-05-2009 10:45pm

Thanks, you gave good advice but I can honestly say I've tried the talking thing and even though I've told him exactly how Im feeling, he just loses his temper completely.
Does anyone think it would be a good idea for me to just call this girl?

IRISH RAIL · 06-05-2009 10:59pm

the work night out thing could be just coincidence but it sounds like he is starting a relationship with another girl.
I think you have to decide a few things firstly where you want your relationship to go ie marrige etc,
secondly if you can handle finding out the worst,
If you think you cant then unfortunatly I think he will just carry on and dump you when he has settled in with the other girl.
otherwise its time to take action.
I always believed in evidence before accusations thats how I caught my ex cheating she even till this day tries to make out I cheated on her and hers was all "innocent". this will be the kind of thing you come up against definitly not easy for anyone especially a girl whos expecting.
gather the e mails and print off the text bills then sit down and try and work out just how much they are talking if you feel you need more than wait and get more evidence.
Be prepared for the work collegue crap and the its your fault. they will come at you left and right.
get your family on board and a close friend as you will need support and remember the boardsies anti cheating team are here to help.

IRISH RAIL · 06-05-2009 11:02pm

I dont think you should call her just yet as if she knows about you they prob have there stories straight. if she doesnt he will have to stop with one of you soon enough but definitly keep the number hidden somewhere so if you do need it you wont forget who it is.

themadchef · 06-05-2009 11:09pm

If you've spoke to him, and any part of you still feels like he's cheating on you then ask him to move out. Why would you call her? Do you think she's going to say, "aww how did ya guess?" seriously, you can't lie in bed beside someone night after night and wonder are they being faithful to you the night they are not there. It will make you crazy. He should have more respect for you.

Make your decision. It's not going to be easy, but, feeling like you're feeling now is no way to live for you or the child you're going to bring into this world.

bug · 06-05-2009 11:31pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi

From then, I went on full alert. He got really angry all the time and on a couple of occasions scared me while we had a fight and was never like this before. So I know its sneaky and I shouldnt do it, but i started to check his emails. There wasn't many so I think he deleted a good lot but a few sent to this one girl who I never heard of. There was nothing incriminating but they were heavily flirty In the end he gives his mobile and says to text him. Thats the end of it. She did ask if he had any news and he didnt mention me or the baby.

Anyway, now I see on his phone records online (he knows i use it for webmail) that he sent a picture message to her at 1am this morning just after I went to bed. I can't think why you would send a picture message to a girl at that time unless there was something going on. Managed to get his phone to "take a number" today but this girls number isn't saved.

Have I reason to be suspicious or am I blowing this out of proportion? I'm so tempted to just call this girl and ask out straight whats going on. I know it could put my relationship on the line if im wrong but i cant see myself being able to take this much longer. Im not normally jealous so there would be no reason to hide a friendship from me.

Any help would be appreciated.

Personally I wouldn't send a picture message to anyone at 1am unless I was discovered something really interesting/hilarious that I was sending to a close friend who I knew was up and not in bed if it was a "school" night.

The work night out thing I would overlook but all indications point to possibly something odd. To you too, by the looks of it.

Now I know you are five months pregnant and what that entails but pregnancy doesn't make you stupid.

The thing you have to ask yourself first is, if I investigate this further and find out that something might be going on, I am going to stay with him?

After you have answered this question then decide on what way you are going to proceed.

By the way no one should be getting so angry with you that you are afraid to speak your mind on such matters. Consider this too.

Darr3nG · 07-05-2009 12:14am

Firstly, your and your baby's safety is the most important thing here. Both physically and emotionally. Until you know one way or the other, this will get to you and run you down. Talk to family and friends, have support ready.

My personal experience was much the same as yours. Started with the phone (being protective and hiding it). Staying with "friends" who I had never met or knew of. Getting angry when I started questioning. I also saw many texts, emails and phone records. All explained with one lie after another.

Finally ended up calling the other guy. This didn't help. And honestly, not worth doing, so I would advise against it. It's more of the same lies.

I stayed with her for 6 months through all of this, pretending to myself that it wasn't real and I was being paranoid, because I was in love with her. My head knew it wasn't right.

It was only after I moved out that I got the truth.

gabbygirlgavin · 07-05-2009 1:03am

sit him down and have it out with him! tell him your leaving him anyway and just want the truth... u dnt really need to leave him if u dnt but if he gets angry more than worried then pack a bag, stay somewhere else for the night....

LegacyUser · 07-05-2009 9:33am

The only talking you need to do is tell him to pack his bags, there is no point asking if he has been up to anything because he will deny it and it is obvious there is something going on.

How can he do that to the mother of his unborn child? Whether he has actually done anything as yet or not, he is being deceitful. You need to leave him, stay with relatives and sort your head out, you will be going through enough emotionally with your pregnancy, you don't need people like that in your life.

Hopefully by doing this, he will realise just how much he last lost through this. Hope she was worth it. Although I doubt that very much.

LegacyUser · 07-05-2009 9:57am

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I would say 100% he is cheating. This is based on my experience of having a cheating boyfriend and also seeing someone who was cheating on his gf(though I didn't know it at the time).

Dont' be surprised if he gets a second phone without your knowlege. He likely has an email account you know nothing about.

If he's sending picture messages at that time of the night you can be sure it's something obscene to another person.

You have a few months to get yourself sorted before the baby arrives. Concentrate on that and make it your priority. You could also suggest couples counselling to him?

Good luck.

Noffles · 07-05-2009 10:07am

Slightly off topic... but... how many more cheats are going to get caught out by their phones.....?

In response, you seriously need to get a grip of this, you are in a vulnerable state and this WILL NOT help, the stress and worry are worse than actually knowing you've been cheated on... do yourself and the nipper a favour and ask straight out and get the truth....!

SarahSassy · 07-05-2009 10:42am

I personally would call her before he has copped you are on to him. Chances are she doesnt know a thing about you. Heard of a case recently where aguy was living with his gf and baby in Navan, was 'working away' and in the end his gf discovered he was living with his other gf in Dublin when he was awya. Neither girl knew about the other one...

Would find it hard to believe someone would take up with him, and thats what is sounds like, if she knew you were pg...

You poor pet... Sending you hugs.,

prinz · 07-05-2009 10:50am

Even if he's not cheating, his behaviour is affecting you negatively, and your baby negatively. Put a stop to it.

Katgurl · 07-05-2009 12:23pm

omg you poor thing, it is a horrific story. tell him to leave / leave him, whichever is easier. It'll be hard but you have to do it. Do you have a friend you could ask to stay with you? You shouldn't be on your own.

Big hugs. Betrayal cuts like a knife but the pain passes and you'll look back & be thankful you took action.

LegacyUser · 07-05-2009 4:16pm

well you're having his baby. I think until you know for sure I wouldn't leave. You may be breaking up your future family for no reason? or causing yourself unnecessary stress?
I think it's clear to see why you are worried. It's hard cus until he comes clean or gets caught out you can't do anything.
The most important thing is to make sure that you and your baby are healthy happy and prepared for a future with or without your boyfriend.
if your boyfriend is just full of lies then why don't you explain your suspicions and suggest a break as its causing unneccesary stress for you and the baby. it will shake him up and maybe give him time to think what he is losing or giving up.
you cant go on checking up on him all the while, it will drive you nuts!! you need to focus on yourself.
i wouldnt suggest calling the woman, altho i know why you would want to. she may not know about you, she may be in on the plot??
i think at this time your boyfriend should be more focused on you and the baby, not flitting about with other women. i can imagin you dont want to lose him at this time. blame the hormones if you have to, but by withdrawing yourself away is a test to whether he will follow.....maybe?!!?!

dellas1979 · 07-05-2009 8:38pm

Can you not sit down and calmly ask him 1 question i.e. why is he in contact with this girl? One question. You should start off by saying "can I ask you one question about this.....?" If he cannot offer a valid explanation for this or starts to argue/shout/be irrational, then you need to take the wind out of his sails.

You calmly say to him "you cannot offer me a valid explanation. I am not afraid to leave". If after saying this he a) goes wild and says "fine go" or b) still ignores the problem and still cannot offer a explanation, then you leave. This is the tricky part. You mentally (and staying somewhere-wise) need to be prepared if he says "go". You need to follow through with the conviction of going or else he will know you are not being serious and can walk all over you (again).

If you do go, and in a few days he still cannot come to reason, then Im afraid maybe he is not in this for the long haul. This is something you need to reason with yourself. I say do everything calmly because of the baby. Please do not for your health and the babys enter into a crazed roaring match.

LegacyUser · 07-05-2009 10:25pm

To the OP:

Are you tech-savvy at all? Do you and your bf share a computer?

I used a keylogger on my PC to catch my ex cheating. It records all the key strokes inputted on the computer. I even saw where she deleted her mails and cleared chat histories etc.

I have no regrets or moral dilemmas about doing this. It was about protecting myself - knowledge is power, as they say.

LegacyUser · 08-05-2009 7:45am

Im pretty tech savvy and the good thing is that he doesn't realise it. I found the email passwords through the computer but now hes using a different one most of the time. I have concocted a plan myself which entails me making sure he leaves his phone somewhere and going back on my own to check it (I wont go into details but it will work).
If theres nothing there I will probably wipe the drive on his PC and force him to use mine. Hes good enough with computers that he will be able to fix it but it will take him a while. He wont suspect anything re the wiping either because the screen is broken and the thing is riddled with viruses. I have a keylogger installed on my PC which hides itself pretty well so hopefully that will turn up something if the phone doesn't.

In relation to everyone saying that I should leave him because this is stressing me out, I can't do that. Despite what hes doing to me, I do still love him and I don't want to be a single mother. I think I will only find the strength to leave him for good if I get proof.

I'm hoping this weekend, possibly today will give me the answers I'm looking for.

Thanks for all your support and I will keep you posted.

OP

kittenkiller · 08-05-2009 12:18pm

If he's suddenly sleeping with his phone under his pillow and sleeping in random place and lying about it, then I think you may be in for some bad news to be honest.

One thing you could do to investigate further without getting grief if it gets out is to enroll a trusted friend to help.

Arrange for the two of you to go out for the evening or to watch something on tv together.
While the two of you are in each others sights, get your friend to call the girls number and ask her about him.
That way if the girl gets on to your bf asking about the call he'll have to confirm that you were with him all evening and wouldn't have had a chance to make any such call.
You'll also be beside him when the call comes in most likely and you'll see if he dashes off to take it or is innocent enough to speak to her while you're beside him.

I watch way too many mystery drama's btw, as opposed to some sort of stalker who does that to eveyone I come into contact with.

Best of luck either way.

pookie82 · 09-05-2009 9:40am

Can I just say, OP, that apart from the fact that this guy seems to be cheating on his pregnant girlfriend (bringin the ****iness of cheating to a whole other level), for him to blame your suspicions and frustration on your "pregnancy hormones" is absolutely beyond reproach. There's clearly something underhand going on. Even if you want to look at this in the most innocent way possible, and pretend that he's a bit lonely of late and has met a new friend who happens to be female, being this sneaky and underhand about it will never help his case.

If I were you and I had that number in my possession, then I wouldn't waste any time in calling it. Now you'd probably catch her on the hop, she may or may not know there's a "you" at all, she may hang up instantly and alert him, or she may tell you something you REALLY don't want to hear. For all of those reasons, in light of your being pregnant, I think maybe the stress induced by any of the above would be detrimental to your health.

The problem here is you've tried to go down the route of asking him outright, but he's becoming defensive and rude when you do this. You'll have to try and get yourself into a completely calm place (hard, I know) and maybe broach the subject halfway through a regular chat about something else so that you catch him unawares - don't just march into a room and say "right, we need to talk" as his hackles will immediately be raised and all you'll get is a wall of defensiveness. Maybe tell him gently that you notice things haven't been the same lately and take it from there. I know that in the circumstances, if he IS cheating, you feel like taking his head off, but softly softly might actually get him talking more openly.

I wish you the best of luck. If he is cheating then it can only be your decision to stay. I know that some relationships have and do recover from this, but I'm not sure if they involved cheating on a pregnant OH and then fobbing her anxieties off on her resulting hormones. That's a horrible insult to an already awful situation and I'd be running a mile if I knew someone were capable of doing that to me.

LegacyUser · 09-05-2009 10:47am

Unregistered wrote: »

Im pretty tech savvy and the good thing is that he doesn't realise it. I found the email passwords through the computer but now hes using a different one most of the time. I have concocted a plan myself which entails me making sure he leaves his phone somewhere and going back on my own to check it (I wont go into details but it will work).

If you can get your hands on his phone why not text her from it saying something like "I can't stop thinking about you." She will respond thinking it's from him, and you can take a text conversation with her from there pretending you are him and figure out how far things have gone between them.

LegacyUser · 09-05-2009 11:02am

Well, I just want to let you know I was right in my suspicions. I had to go the sneaky way and pretty much stole his mobile and went to my mams. One of the girls he has been speaking to had text him asking if he was still coming to see her this weekend. I dragged it out and got the proof I needed. I dont know if he had slept with anyone but she confirmed for me they had arranged to this weekend. She knew about me but didnt know I was pregnant (I rang her after I had my proof).

Upsetting part is, this girl is a different one to the one he had been texting on Tuesday. I went home and started approaching softly softly and simply asked him had he done anything and he lied straight to my face and said no. Then when I asked him who "the girls name" was his jaw dropped. Following about an hour of me explaining to him what I had found, he tried to blame it on being scared about the baby. What a f***ing cop out, he needs to grow a pair.

Needless to say, he is now living in his mams and single. I still cant get over it though. 2 years of my life and I didnt even know him. And unfortunately, even though I hate him for what hes done to me, I still love him. I just feel like theres no light at the end of the tunnel. I know its wrong to think this and will change my mind but I've found myself thinking all night that I just wish I wasn't pregnant. I cant beleive I've let some scumbag do this to me.

Toots · 09-05-2009 7:49pm

Really sorry to hear that OP. TBH, you're better off without him, he sounds like a pathetic excuse for a person and you and your baby deserve much better. I know it'll be hard now, but your priority is keeping yourself and baby healthy. Keep your family nearby and look after yourself.

username123 · 10-05-2009 12:20am

Hi OP,
Really sorry to hear this latest part of your thread. I am glad for you that you found out the truth though.

Listen - I know its horrible right now, and that youre pregnant, but ultimately, isnt it better to know now than find out years down the line when you have invested even more time and emotion?

About the not even knowing him bit - you couldnt have known these things. He was deceiving you completely. You were a totally innocent party to all this.

Its totally normal to still love him right now - you cant just switch off your emotions like a tap, it doesnt work that way.

And its TOTALLY normal to wish you werent pregnant right now - course you wish that! Anyone would! You have been the victim of a horrible betrayal - timing is the worst it could be, you are in a very vulnerable state - dont be berating yourself for your feelings, its ok to feel the way the way you do.

What is best for you right now is support. From friends, family and maybe a support group if you need it. Its important for you to prioritise yourself and your baby right now. Its not going to be easy - but you have done the hardest part already and shown that you are so strong. Take that strength and use it for yourself.

The only way is up from here, you have already gone through the worst. Its going to be hard to get over this bloody despicable thing, but you can do it.

All the best of luck to you - well done for being so strong.

IRISH RAIL · 10-05-2009 1:48am

hi op
just to repeat the feelings of everyome here youre in a better placenow without him one girl was bad but two discusting

theres a lot of support from people here who like me have been through the same thing. get your friends on board and as much support as possible

oh and let us know if its a boy or girl when shes born you wont be afraid of being a single parent as you will have the most amazing thing possible in the world
good luck

kittenkiller · 10-05-2009 5:43am

I'm really sorry to hear that OP.

What an awful situation, but better to have it all out in the open now rather than years down the line.

It's his loss completely!

LegacyUser · 10-05-2009 1:58pm

Does anyone think I should try again with him? I've been trying to work things out in my mind and just think that if we could make it work it would make me happier and in the long run potentially make a better life for the baby,
I don't know if I can get anymore emotionally involved than I already am. We've lived together more than a year, we had talked about marriage and were planning to be a family.
I cant stop thinking about him. I cant eat and cant sleep. I just dont know what to do.

ellie1 · 10-05-2009 4:58pm

So sorry to hear about your story.
Maybe it would work again. However the fact that he was willing to cheat on you with a number of people and was so underhand and then tried to convince you there was something wrong with you tells me this man is more than just a cheat... He lied,(to the other girl as well knowing she may be put off by the fact that your pregnant), manipulated, extreamly selfish...

Has he asked to get back with you?
Maybe he wanted out of the relationship

LegacyUser · 10-05-2009 5:24pm

Hi, OP.

If you "go crawling back", he has you and will walk over you for eternity. Let him do the running but be prepared that he might not...or not until the other woman dumps him. Sorry.

But right now, you have *got* to go see a doctor and get help. Not eating and sleeping on top of being stressed and upset could harm your unborn baby. You too, obviously but the child didn't cause this and relies completely on you.

The doc may be able to set you up with some support - I'm not sure whether there's something he/she can safely give you for anxiety but go ahead and ask. It's time to be selfish, for two. Try to take a break from all the worrying and maybe try to rent a good comedy DVD or 3. And get your friends round, as many as possible. Don't go through this alone.

Best Wishes.

username123 · 10-05-2009 5:26pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Does anyone think I should try again with him? I've been trying to work things out in my mind and just think that if we could make it work it would make me happier and in the long run potentially make a better life for the baby,
I don't know if I can get anymore emotionally involved than I already am. We've lived together more than a year, we had talked about marriage and were planning to be a family.
I cant stop thinking about him. I cant eat and cant sleep. I just dont know what to do.

Its possible that you have a future with him, but I would strongly advise you to take a long time out (like 6 months or so) without him before making a decision like that.

Do nothing right now. Heal for a while, look after yourself and the baby. He is always going to be in your life because he is the babies father, so its not like he is going to disappear off the radar.

If you took him back now it would be a message to him thats it ok for him to treat you that way. And its not. So dont send that message.

Lolaa · 10-05-2009 5:50pm

I’m sooo sorry to hear the bad news, you must be totally devastated - but I would strongly recommend you NOT to get back with him.

He will do it again on you.

I know it seems extremely hard and tough at the moment, ive been there, but give yourself time, after a few weeks you will come around and think of what a lucky escape you've had from this person - who doesn't deserve the love off someone carrying his child. . .

dellas1979 · 10-05-2009 10:08pm

I am so devastated for you to have to go though this and make these choices.

You definitely should go to your doctor and explain what is going on. I strongly urge you to do this. If it was only you, you might cope and get by, but not in your condition.

Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you because although I am here reading your story on boards, I really feel for you right now.

LegacyUser · 10-05-2009 10:27pm

I cant believe someone would be so cruel, that scumbag gives other men a bad name. Seriously do not consider going back to him, he is the bottom of the pile, you can and will do ALOT better, trust me. I am a man and I dont know any other men who would do such an awful thing, you were five months pregnant with his child and he has a string of girls on the side. You honestly dont know who this guy really is, get rid of him.

Suspected cheating

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