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Need advice, please

  • 06-05-2009 3:38pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'll try to keep this as brief as possible....

    My boyfriend and I are moving in to a house we have bought in two weeks time. I'm 22 he's 27 and has a 4 year old child who will be living with us part time. Over the past few weeks we have been under a lot of stress (for many reasons) and as a result we have been fighting often.

    I have told him I would like to go for a drive tonight to clear the air and try and agree to a fresh start. There are a couple of issues I would like to discuss with him without causing yet another argument or making him out to be selfish and putting all the blame on him (I have my bad points too).

    1. His inability on nights out to drink a sensible amount, and not offend anyone.
    2. The fact that he has stopped being very affectionate other than when I ask him to be or when he wants you know what...
    3. His defensiveness and temper (he is not violent, just shouts and storms off)

    Thanks for reading.
    Any suggestions?


Comments

  • #2
    SunInDublin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25 ✭SunInDublin


    Hi miss,

    well maybe those concerns of yours should of been brought up BEFORE you bought a house togrther dont you think!?

    sorry maybe you already did, and in that case best way would be to not go for a drive but maybe a quiet place, like coffee place maybe? that way no one will be tempted to shout or scream...never know;)

    Best to stay calm when you talk with him and said it will be best for "both of you" etc...not directly point at him everything you listed at once, dont think it will take it so good and will probably feel targeted as the bad one.

    Again, as i said before, communication is the best, as soon as something starts to feel bad or uncomfortable say it cos the longer you wait the more likely you will end up with a "list of things" and that usually never goes well.

    So my advise, stay calm, smile, tell him you love him, and that you would just like to clear the air etc...if anything, ask him to be in your shoes for a sec to have prospective (as an example of course!);)

    The fact that he is older than you and obviously more experienced maybe make him feel like he knows better...maybe?! just a thought!

    best of luck!


  • #3
    baglady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 255 ✭✭baglady


    Is your questions that you don't know how to appraoch these topics with him? Perhaps he doesnt know how this is affecting you so talking to him about it is a good first step to make. Just make sure you stay calm during the discussion as much as possible.

    AS for his drinking, if it is at a stage where he is offending people then why not suggest he tone it down, not stop altogether but just drink less. Maybe he doesnt realise what he is like?

    He may be defensive and have a temper due to the stress you both are under?
    however if this is a recurring thing maybe you should suggest anger management or something? he might not take to kindly to this......
    and if he is not being affectionate with you ANYMORE (as in, he used to be), maybe you both are under stress and have lost a bit of spark. Maybe make a bit of an extra effort with eachother....

    But if none of these are resolved, maybe it is not a relationship you want to remain in....you don't sound very happy to be honest. I wish you the best.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for your reply.
    To be honest these things weren't an issue until recently. All the things I have listed have happend a few times throughout our relationship. But over the last few weeks they have all happend regularly, everything he does seems to be wrong... Its sad because we get on like a house on fire usually and I miss that.


  • #5
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    OP

    The top three most stressful things in life are:
    Death.
    Divorce.
    Buying a house.

    If this is only going on for the last while, I'd be inclined to put it all down to stress. Once ye have the keys in your hand and are in the house, I be ye will be back to your old selves!


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