Still too soon?

LegacyUser

Ok posted a thread a few months back wondering whether or not it was too soon to start dating again.

broke up with my fiancee 6 months ago and have after a false start after my original thread just re-entered the world of dating 5 weeks back. Things have been going well so far, meeting and chatting to girls on nights out as I start to emerge from my shell. Joined a dating site as well so been on 7 different dates so far. Not sure if it's just me though as never seem to be able to picture myself meeting them again.

Nice girls in the main though one or two odd ones, just none of them seems to measure up against my ex. Had fun nights each time, and very encouraged to hear all of them would have liked to met again. Don't want to waste their time though when I don't see it going anywhere.

So is this natural? I'd heard that the first date or two could be tough, and yeah the first date was really hard, but I would have thought at this stage I would start to see past that. I do miss my ex which is normal enough, but apart from the odd moment here and there I haven't let myself sink back into where I was a few months back. I am interested in meeting girls and have had fun nights out, enjoying their company and apparently they've all enjoyed mine. However each time without fail a little voice has said "not for you" without really giving any of them a chance.

Not sure why this is happening as I know before I met my ex I would have been more than interested in meeting most of these girls again. Loads in common each time, good sense of humour, similar ambitions and attractive. I haven't led any of them on, in fact I've done the big no no each time and said I was just out of a serious relationship as I'm honest to a fault. This hasn't turned them off, in fact the opposite seems to have happened each time, not sure why that is?

Anyway rambling and not sure what my point is at this stage! Just feel at a bit of a loss as to why I can't seem to go the next step and see them again?

By the way in case anyone gets the wrong idea, I am not going out just to try and sleep with them, not my style at all!

SunInDublin

well nice to see you're not taking advantage of those girls, bonus points for you mister!

So hard to say anything though as you haven't mentioned why you/her broke up?? fiance means it was obviously serious....anything that you could work on and get back together?
Just wondering as you didnt mention it.
seems by going online to date and all that you might be older, just guessing here.

But so far i would say its either still too soon, or you are just trying too much to meet someone so it just doesnt work, let things happen, go out with your lads (gee isnt that what all irish guys do, the lad's gang;) ) and meet someone naturaly...you'll see when you won't think of it you will meet someone at the least expected...and if ready and you really like her you wont even think of your ex!

Best of luck "Unregistered"

Nevyn

No one will measure up against your ex, you can not compare the fleeting fledgling connection over 1 to 3 dates to what you had with you last long term partner. Doing that will always cast a shadow over any new person who comes into your life.

prinz

It will happen eventually. Not sure how much you're measuring them against your ex, but you've been on 7 dates. That's 7 girls. How many girls did you date, chat up, feel attracted to etc., before your ex? I don't think 7 is a big enough test pool to judge from. Perhaps you've matured and you know pretty quickly and even subconciously that they're not right for you, almost but not quite. You're doing the right thing not to lead them on.

Try meeting a few girls spontaneously too. The internet dating could be actually working against you here, perhaps putting a bit of pressure on... building up expectations etc.

Cleopatra12

Please remember that there is no time limit as regards getting over an ex and moving on. Dont tie yourself up in knots.

By all means go out on dates, have some fun (of the fun kind not the sex kind), do different things on these dates, go to zoo, walk in Phoenix park etc.. (if you are in Dublin of course), but you get what i mean...

I have been on oodles of dates since i broke up with my ex. Dated a few for a while. But honestly i have been single for 3 years now and am still not ready for a relationship (and am 30). Am only over the ex in last few months, but have had so much fun going on dates. But i know its hard to forget an ex.

Why not leave the dating thing for a while. Just spend time focusing on yourself and getting to know yourself again as an individual. Best thing you can do. To sound all corny, why not date yourself? Or you feel a need to have an OH? Am genuinly interested to know this....

Whatever happens over next few months, best of luck with it all....

LegacyUser

OP again, just to answer a few questions. I just turned 38 a few months back, and to be honest I think thats played on my mind a bit. Just never saw myself as being single again, 6 months back we would have back from our honeymoon at this stage and barring any complications expecting our first child.

So I guess thats sort of pushed me more into a relationship frame of mind, something I definitely wasn't in when I met my ex and was single, happy go lucky with plans to emigrate. Gave up those plans for her and made a lot of new ones that until then I'd never really considered. Due to a few changed circumstances since then I can't just simply pick up where I left off, and to be honest I don't really want to leave Ireland anymore.

The whole internet dating thing came from the fact at this stage all my mates bar none are either married with kids, or in the process of planning weddings so it's very rare I get to go out with the lads, and when we do we just want to sit and chat with each other. Anyway normally it will be all couples going out, something I used to love but now just makes me all the more aware of the empty chair beside me where she would have sat. Not much fun being the only single one there, and even though I know they mean the best I do catch the looks of sympathy which makes me feel even worse.

So I don't go out on those nights anymore for the moment, still call around to mates but as they all have so much going on in the lives (same as I had until recently) I've fallen out of touch with a lot of them. That's ok though, we're all lifelong mates and I know they'll be there when I'm ready to start back into that social scene.

The whole spontaneous meeting with girls is something I'm not getting a chance to do too much, plus I'm incredibly rusty at it! Plus to be honest it was never really my thing, I've never bar a few one night stands when I was in my 20's been into that whole scene, every girlfriend I've ever had has been through mates, or girls I know from my hometown.

Anyway think the whole dating thing is because I know I've changed an awful lot since I met my ex, a lot of it influenced by her and a lot of it stuff I subconciously wanted anyway, just needed to meet the right person for it to surface.

I don't want to jump straight into a relationship, but I think leaving it 6 months discounts the rebound. Think one of the main problems is with each girl I've met they've been fairly heavy on the very first date, really intimate stuff on what they want, what do I seek in a relationship etc. Just find it a bit off putting.

Think it should just develop naturally and slowly, get to know each other properly before having those type of conversations. I can't on the basis of one or at max two dates know if I want to get more serious with someone but thats what I've been asked each time. Is that normal? Think I was seeing my ex on average 2 or 3 times a week for 2 months before she asked me any of that at which point I knew I wanted a relationship with her, not that I'd dated anyone else in the meantime, just all fell naturally into place.

Sorry for the long ramble. Just a little confused as to how the whole dating thing works. Maybe I've just been meeting the wrong girls, too much too fast. Was on a date last weekend for instance and one of the things she said was she didn't get the feeling off me that I wanted to rip her clothes off (she was a bit drunk saying it), and didn't think I was getting an "OMG this is it" feeling off her. We got on really well, had a great night but I thought that sort of ruined it.

Anyway I'll leave it at that, maybe Prinz is right, maybe 7 dates is too little to be deciding anything on, I hope so anyway. I know people are going to think that I'm trying to rush things to regain what I lost but I'm not. If I was I could easily be going out with one of those girls I met. Think I'd just like to met someone who is not in a massive rush, someone who wants to get to know each other properly before making any commitments. If you're right for each other you've got all the time in the world.

Cleopatra12

Just remember that a lot (not all) of women who internet date tend to be looking for something serious. And you may say it seems heavy when ye meet, but try to remember there is a reason they are on a dating site.

IMO plenty of blokes who internet date are looking for their leg over and not dating someone....

If you are still thinking about the timeline re what would have happened had you still been with your OH perhaps you are not ready for someone.

Keep the chin up!

trilo

I think perhaps you may be putting too much pressure on yourself to meet someone. Internet dating sites are fine, handy way to meet people but a little superficical really.But of course it can be fun and a learning experience to go on dates.
The best thing i can say is just take it easy, don't be rushing into it. You know a girl will come along when you least expect it and then you know it will be right.

LegacyUser

OP here, yeah was thinking I might be putting myself under pressure a bit. At the same time it's nice to meet up with girls, just have a few drinks and a laugh. Not sure if thats as a distraction or am I seeing it as a learning experience, as in getting used to female company that's not my OH? It does seem to be working, and it makes my ex seem more of a memory each time, that is until the other night when I got a text off her.

This was a constant for months but finally said two months back that she had to stop. Couldn't take it anymore, she left, not me. I tried everything to try and work it out between us but she was having none of it. But then I get texts saying how much she misses me and life has stopped for her since she left. Had to tell her to stop in the end when it became obvious that I was only being texted when she was down and needed a shoulder to cry on. At first I thought it might be to keep communication open with a possible reconciliation at some point. Each time though after the initial contact and when I've been there for her she's made it clear she will never be back.

It's very hard to ignore, I was always there for her and it's hard not to be now. Ends up confusing the hell out of me each time, like am I doing the right thing starting to see other girls or should I wait? I can't keep my life on hold indefinitely. It was only after I said I couldn't talk to her anymore and started dating that I started feeling normal again. I've come along so much since I made that decision, the first time since we broke up I felt I was regaining control of my life.

dirtynosebeps

Cleopatra12 wrote: »

Just remember that a lot (not all) of women who internet date tend to be looking for something serious. And you may say it seems heavy when ye meet, but try to remember there is a reason they are on a dating site.

IMO plenty of blokes who internet date are looking for their leg over and not dating someone....

ehhhhh cleo i think the o.p. is M. not F.M. also there are alot of genuine blokes as you call them on internet dating sites who are looking for the special one. it just happens that i met my O.H. on one of these sites and married her

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here, yeah was thinking I might be putting myself under pressure a bit. At the same time it's nice to meet up with girls, just have a few drinks and a laugh. Not sure if thats as a distraction or am I seeing it as a learning experience, as in getting used to female company that's not my OH? It does seem to be working, and it makes my ex seem more of a memory each time, that is until the other night when I got a text off her.

Hi OP.
You are not over your ex yet. The day she sends you a text and you feel nothing either way, that's the day you are over her. Cut yourself some slack.

Now you are 38 and single. Something you never thought would happen to you. You look around at your friends and they all seem to be in relationships.
You are in a slight panic. The pressure is on.

Relax, breath in and remind yourself that this is not a race.
Enjoy life as it is right now.
You are still young and in full health. Are obviously attractive if you are going on dates with the option of taking it furter.

At 34 I found myself single again. Out on the dating scene after years in a relationship. Things had changed so much since the last time I had done any of that.
I was completely out of the loop. Talk about a learning curve. A fun one though.

Anyway, continue to meet up and go out with women. If any of them interest you, try a second date. If there is nothing after that. Move on.
Eventually you will come across a women who will draw you in and you will have no choice. The need to see her again will be strong.
Until that happens, just relax and enjoy the ride.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Hi OP.
You are not over your ex yet. The day she sends you a text and you feel nothing either way, that's the day you are over her. Cut yourself some slack.

Now you are 38 and single. Something you never thought would happen to you. You look around at your friends and they all seem to be in relationships.
You are in a slight panic. The pressure is on.

Relax, breath in and remind yourself that this is not a race.
Enjoy life as it is right now.
You are still young and in full health. Are obviously attractive if you are going on dates with the option of taking it furter.

At 34 I found myself single again. Out on the dating scene after years in a relationship. Things had changed so much since the last time I had done any of that.
I was completely out of the loop. Talk about a learning curve. A fun one though.

Anyway, continue to meet up and go out with women. If any of them interest you, try a second date. If there is nothing after that. Move on.
Eventually you will come across a women who will draw you in and you will have no choice. The need to see her again will be strong.
Until that happens, just relax and enjoy the ride.

Thanks Beruthiel, weird, I've read a lot of your posts over the years but never had one directed at me. Then again up until the last 6 months the only time I ever posted here was to give a little advice myself, never saw me ending up on the other end of it!

Yeah it was upsetting getting texts from her the other night, was the same thing really, as in miss you everyday, you were the love of my life, I'll never get over you. I've heard this so many times though and the question I think was always the same. If you miss me so much why can't you come home? The original reason for the split has been resolved by me, would have been easier to do it together but I managed to do it with family and close friends.

Anyway was a little down after getting the texts, but nothing compared to a few months back. Was surprised at how much I was able to detach myself, not quite there yet but think I'm getting there. Didn't even think along the lines of if you still miss me so much is there a chance for us? That boat has sailed, she's done and said too many things over the last 6 months for me ever to see a way back. Once I realised that instead of just saying it I knew I'd reached a milestone.

Think this thread has run it's course anyway, just needed a wall to bounce off. You're right, there is a steep re-learning curve, one I never saw having to do again. Think re-learning is a lot better though than sitting here thinking about what might have been. The past is the past for a reason as they say so going to continue as I have been doing, not jumping from bed to bed, but just meeting girls, having a few drinks, getting to know new people and maybe meet someone who can surprise me all over again. Not banking on it but you'll never know if you don't get out and try.

Off on a coffee date this evening anyway so thanks to all who posted