Not in love with me?

LegacyUser

hi i'm 30 been going out with my OH for 7 years, living together for 3. get on great, laugh a lot, fight a lot (at times) but it's all good and i'm still really really happy.

Only thing is, once in a while i get these thoughts into my head. See, my OH isn't romantic, or affectionate, or showy in any way. Mybe once a year on my birthday he'll do something nice for me.

I would love to be told 'i love you' for no reason and before i say it to him, or i'd love if he'd just pick me up a bar of chocolate or bring me out for no reason. He never does.

he's a good man and treats me well, but sometimes i think that there's no passion or real intense love on his part. I adore him but i feel like sometimes it's one-sided and he's so laid back he's just coming along for the ride.

Am i wrong? most of te time i just accept that thats the way he is, but i would love if i felt that he was crazy about me and really really loved me.

Chocoholic84

I kind of know where you're coming from...My OH is a bit like this, I wish he'd do the oul "sweeping off feet" more often

But most guys really aren't showy types, oh there are a few like those guys who seem to be Mr Perfect in movies/books, but the majority of us have gotta settle with a nice pressie on birthdays and Christmas I'm afraid!

Just because he's not into surprising you with meals/flowers/etc randomly doesn't mean he's not in love with you - of course it doesn't! It's just that he's not into all of that..and seriously, he prob doesn't even realise this is bothering you!

If you do want more "random" romance in your relationship, maybe take the first step and buy him a bar of choccy, and see if he returns the gesture?

prinz

Tell him all of that. He's probably not a mind reader. Perhaps like a lot of guys he's just 'comfortable' and doesn't see the need for it anymore. Tell him how you feel and see what happens.

LegacyUser

not saying that this is a good idea, infact I think it is very childish.
A few of my friends felt the same as you + wanted more commitment, so they split up with their boyfriends, for the sole purpose to see how they would react.
2 of them ended up engaged within 3 months of breaking up, as the boyfriends came back with big gestures to win them back.
I feel they tricked them into marriage, if you can't discuss how you really feel with someone you're supposed to love, they it's a poor relationship.

Chocoholic84

Unregistered wrote: »

A few of my friends felt the same as you + wanted more commitment, so they split up with their boyfriends, for the sole purpose to see how they would react.
2 of them ended up engaged within 3 months of breaking up, as the boyfriends came back with big gestures to win them back.

Yeah, pretty sneaky, and OP I wouldn't go down this route!

Talk to him - communication is key in all relationships!

Vegeta

Chocoholic84 wrote: »

If you do want more "random" romance in your relationship, maybe take the first step and buy him a bar of choccy, and see if he returns the gesture?

Op how often do you do these romantic gestures for your boyfriend?

LegacyUser

I would do romantic gestures quite often. if i'm out shopping i'll pick up something i know he'll like or if i'm away without him i always bring him back a pressie. or if he's feeling down about something i try and cheer him up with a few drinks.

In fairness i know he does love me but at times it really does feel like it's not 'intense' love if you know what i mean. It's like i don't know if he would be that upset if we did break up? maybe slightly but i suppose at the end of the day i feel like i'm making loads of effort to make him feel loved always. I like doing things like that and being romantic with him but he doesn't return it to me.

I have to ask him 'do you love me' and he says yes of course or sometimes ya i love you too. he doesn't initiate it. even if we're sitting on couch i'd snuggle up to him but he wouldn't think to do that with me.

Maybe i'm just moaning because really in everything else our relationship is great. he's very dependable and a good OH and i really love him. I just wish he'd show me more!!

gabbygirlgavin

oh lord....
Repeat after me: (in relation to relationships, in my opinion)
Men dont change. Women dont change. people dont change.
Men dont suddenly become thoughtful, he is who he is. You are with him for who he is. Talking may change things for a while.... but not forever.
Good Luck!

vector

My head is full of romantic gestures, but I have no g/f at the moment
(shrug)

easyeason3

Some men are not like that. My other half is only ever affectionate when he has had a few. It's not a reflection on him as a person but it does tell a lot about his upbringing & having heard some of the stories I don't wonder why he is the way he is.
It doesn't make me want things to be different but he is who he is & I wouldn't change it for the world. I loved him for being like that before I knew the circumstances surrounding his lack of affection. I love him for being him.
Yes I would like for him to be more affectionate but when he is I know he means it. And that means more to me than someone than someone constantly pawing at me.

crazzzzy

Hey OP, my fella is the same and it used to drive me mad cause thought it meant he didn't care that much. It started causing problems cause i was getting very annoyed with him over it and felt i was putting in all the work.

I used to be over affectionate to compensate his lack of it but i realised i was only doing it to see if he would respond...which he did most of the time but that was no good cause id started it.

Some people just aren't very affectionate or romantic....when my fella tries to make an effort its actually funny sometimes cause its so outta place for him. He hasn't a romantic bone in his body but he makes me laugh all the time. You have to look at the good stuff and try not change people.

baglady

hi op,

he probably doesn't realise you feel this way and to be honest, he might not see the big deal. All guys are different and show their love in different ways. If he is dependable and kind and respectful it seems you have a good guy. I understand what you mean when you say you wish he said 'I love you' before you did, but I wouldn't go around asking him 'do you love me' as this can come across a bit needy and insecure. I imagine he loves you very much and it might be worth your while to mention this to him, but at the end of the day if u are happy and secure with him you just have to take the good with the bad.

if it ever got to a stage where it left you wanting more and not being satisfied, then maybe you would be better off with someone else. But like I said, you clearly love each other. There are worse things that can happen in a relationship. If this is not a huge huge huge issue for you, I would try and see past it and think about all the positives that exist between you two!

good luck!

LegacyUser

op here. thanks for the replies everyone. you are all right - it's not a huge huge issue for me and not a breakupable offence. I suppose i just wanted other people's experiences to see if i'm just overreacting.

I am happy he is very loving when he's had a few drinks. i do feel that i am a bit over affectionate to try and make up for it and that's not good because i do come over as being needy which i'm not, i'm just trying to have a loving affectionate relationship.

someone once told me that i should hold back and not be as affectionate on my side and see what he does?

Also i have told him and he says that he does love me but nothing ever changes

crazzzzy

Don't try playing games with him cause you'll only wreck your own head with it. You'll only get annoyed sitting there, holding back waiting for him to make a move and its not very mature in a long term relationship. Ye have been together 7yrs and should be honest with eachother by now especially since ye living together.

Id advise you to tell him how you're feeling and ask him if he thinks you are over affectionate towards him. If he says yes, it doesn't mean that you are over affectionate - just that for him its too much. Then its up to you to decide if you can be happy with the relationship as it is cause you can't go changing him unless he wants it.

Its not all about him either - its what makes you both happy so find some compromise. He has to make some effort to make you happy aswell.