Completely Heartbroken - how do I move on

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
Just need to clear my head and seek advice - can anyone tell me how to move on after relationship breakup, with my partner of 12years- childhood sweethearts (I am now 30years old). We broke up about 9months ago.

To cut a long story short:
I bought a house two years ago, and we moved in together (my partner said he wasn't finacially ready to buy a house with me, which I accepted,as he only started to work after completing college). We lived happily for two years. However, I had insecurities about our relationship, as we never talked about our future and where things were going. I wanted to marry, and my parnter always assured me this was the plan, but first wanted to be finacially secure.

Then about a year ago, he started looking at a career change which involved moving away. I was so confused and asked him what this meant for our relationship - he told me he didn't know! After 12years I felt I deserved to know did we have a future or was I wasting my time. I guess I was wasting my time!! He told me he loved me but that he wasn't sure about us, he didn't think we were happy(?) and he thought there was something else out there for him. So I showed him the door and we broke up. I was completely devastated and in a mess(I still am!).

So I tried to be strong, avoided all contact, and I distanced myself from our mutual friends (I lost so many friends, I feel I couldn't talk or socialise with them cos of my partner). I've had the odd text from him over the months, asking me how I am and what I'm up to. I've been quite stubborn and kept replys short, not engaging in conversation. I've cried so much. But my female friends have been great and I've had a lot of laughs on nights out, even snogged a few guys. I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing, though my ex-partner was never out of my head.

Then last weekend, I bumped into him on a night out and my heart melted. We got chatting and laughing, just like old times. He told me he loved me, he missed me and that he thinks about me all the time. One thing led to another and we ended up together. He said he wanted to meet again and that we'd take things really slow. I agreed. But then during a phone conversation a few days later, he's told me he's not sure about us seeing one another again, he doesn't want to go through a breakup again and he still thinks there's something else out there for him. It was like a dagger though me, I told him not call or contact me again and that things are finally over.

I am so hurt and angry, (a)with myself, that I let back into my head and (b) with him, I feel he used me.

How do I move on? Even though he has hurt me, I love him so much. How will I meet someone else, and love them equally or more? I just don't think I'll ever be able to get over him. I'm terrified that if I meet him out again that I'll want to talk to him. I miss him so much, I lost my best friend. I just want to get over him and move on with my life.

Storm_rages

Hi,

My advice is to take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself and see your friends lots.

Other then that i can just offer Hugs...

sogood

Hi there and sympathies for your pain. This sort of thing is never easy to deal with and there doesnt really seem to be a "one size fits all" solution or answer to it. I imagine you have seriously compounded your difficulty after being with your ex, after you had gotten to a point in your head where you were beginning to live an independent life without him. Thats understandable, but dont lose sight of the progress that you made. It might not seem that way, especially when someone is in your head practically 24/7, but he wasnt in your LIFE 24/7. You were doing your own thing, albeit under a cloud of sorts, you were living your life. You can go back to that place and take comfort from your strengthy and independence, make a new comfort zone of your own, for yourself and stop hankering back to that comfort zone that you felt with him. Ask yourself, how "comfortable" was it? He seemed unprepared or unable to commit to you, running scared at the prospect. He had gotten used to years of you being there, available, supportive etc. Then he meets you by chance and you let your guard down and I suspect you dont feel too proud of what you did, deep down that is.

There are no short cuts, like quitting cigarettes or booze, one day at a time. But do consider your self worth, your value, your decency, integrity etc. You are a good and worthwhile person, start by being good to yourself. Do you need or deserve the aggro in your life, the ongoing pain and uncertainty? Draw a curtain on it and learn from it, use the experience, you will be an even better person than you already are.

Best of luck for the future.

SunInDublin

Hi missy,

well i do feel for you and understand what you're going through, just went through the same, still actually.

1/ a friend gave me a book after my breakup called "its called a breakup cos its broken" written by a guy who wrote "hes just not that into you"
ok it doesnt have the answer but you read other stories and if anything, its no bible, but it will make you smile a bit...did for me.

2/ yes, go out and force yourself to be social again, and do all that work you have done on you before you had the weakness to get into it again with him...i so know how hard it is, but your situation proves me how right i was NOT to go there with my ex...i didnt run into him but we sure almost did and im sure i would of end up in the same situation than you...end up in bed and next thing you now their doubts and insecurrities is still there the next day or week!!

3/ do think of yourself, after all those years with him its clear he is being selfish, maybe not in the bad way, im sure he does misses you and loves you, my ex said the same thing to me too, the routine and the friendship ended so its natural its like a drug you want a fix, but at the end unless hes crawling back to your door begging you to take him back and that things are clear for him now then nothing has changed and ever will so go foward and like previouslly said...one day at a time.

Errase all emails, delete pics, delte the facebook or myspace friends connection..etc..no contact, and slowly but surely as you have done before the pain will fade....im in the middle of it myself so all i can hope is what im preaching is right!!!;) been told by so many people so cant be that wrong!

Time will heals your pain and you might not forget him or stop loving him but it will be as a memory, you will meet someone one day for who the feelings will be strong again but with person who feel the same and wont let you go!

PS try to avoid places where you think you might run into him too, and if you do run into him...be polite but leave the place.

best of luck and big hugs

LegacyUser

Great advice above.

The only thing I could add is that a broken heart can take a long time to mend. Understand that it might be another 6mths or a year but you will heal. Society tells us we should just go shoe shopping and hang out with the girls and be healed in month, but take your own time.

tolteq

you know............u cant force this. one day you will just move on.

happened to me. i tried to get back with a girl. ah in the end i just realised that she didnt want me back........u know i accepted it.

that was after about 3 months of tryin to get her back. lol. i guess i was a fool.

just do ur best. thats all i can say. like u cant get back with a person sometimes. so just realise there are more people in the world and there are!

there are a lot of single people in dublin (and ireland)

LegacyUser

All, thank you for your words of support - I'm really touched, almost in tears here. Taking it one day at a time.

SunInDublin - a little scary, but your advice are the exact words of my best friend! She gave me that book, it gives some good lessons, while putting a smile on your face!Best of luck with your journey

SunInDublin

Ah Anytime, im sure trying to follow my own advises! your best friend was right obviously too!

if you read the book then you will laugh cos the last few months, as im trying to do the no contact but always end up messenging him back when he does contact me, i think of the book and start saying "and here goes again, 60 days starts NOW" ...i dont know if i wanna cry or laugh on this but i hope those "60 days no contact" rehab does work, im now on my 7th day!!!
gonna be hard, i dont know for you but i cant seems to pass the 3 weeks mark!

Anyway, good luck and feel free to post if you need support!!!!

Kipperhell

Time heals all wounds. It doesn't help to hear it but it is true. Sounds like he is very confused himself.
Anger is perfectly normal but may cause you to cut your nose off despite your face. I personally think you should talk to him and try to detach yourself from any anger you feel about the feeling of him throwing away your relationship. This might help you make a clean break.

There are two options really
1) Break up and pretty much never see him again
2) Try to see if you can come up with a new future where you both are together

You need to decide this and then stick with it never looking back. There is support there from your friends I gather but try never to make it the only thing you talk about so as to try and keep it from effecting everything around you. Good luck

Viva La Gloria

Unregistered wrote: »

I just don't think I'll ever be able to get over him. I'm terrified that if I meet him out again that I'll want to talk to him. I miss him so much, I lost my best friend. I just want to get over him and move on with my life.

They are some of the scariest thoughts/fears in the world. I'm so sorry you have to go through it, I know how horrible it is

I was only going out with my ex for around 2 years but because he was my "first love" it hurt so bad when we broke up. But things were so messy because he initiated it, then wanted to get back together and made me feel awful for saying no. I had such anxieties about it, that I was going to be that one person in the world who would never get over their ex and how I'd never move on.

But now I'm fine. It helps that he moved away to England and I never have to see him but I know I'd have a major freaker if I saw him randomly. I can't stand him anymore and don't ever want to see him again, and ever since we've broke up I've been trying to erase any possible way he could get back into my life.

I really do think that time is all that can help, as annoying as it sounds. Everyday is another step to moving on and, although it's impossible to believe, it really will get better. X