It's over again!

wicklori

Hi guys... Largely i need to vent but I'd also appreciate some feedback, but please bear in mind how hard it all is right now!

With Mr wick for 9 years. We went travelling after 5 years and he changed completely during that time. not an overstatement-even others noticed! Broke up when we came back. Got back together and have been on and off once since then.

My family were awful pissed off at how he treated me, and I'm the type to let these things worry me-I know, I know! So spoke to my Dad and smoothed things out with him. Full credit to him for that.

Now, for the last few months I've been trying to get some sense out of him about where we are going. We don't, and haven't except while travelling, ever even lived together.

His work was a bit up in the air-he's normally exceptionally laid back and I didn't realise he was actually very stressed about it. The stress finally took it's toll and he told me he couldn't take me any more and that it was over. He said he needed time and space to think and that he couldn't do that with me around. He said when he thinks about the future he just sees a blur.

I've met him a couple of times since and he's sticking to his guns.

I'm struggling desperately. It has been off before, I know I will survive, but I love him to bits and I don't doubt that he loves me, but he can't seem to move forward at all.

Where to from here for me? I'm 31 by the way.

Nevyn

You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, make a new better life for yourself, take the time
to figure out why you stayed in such a dysfunctional relationship and what the red flags were
that you ignored and when you are read you start dating again.

Gyalist

wicklori wrote: »

I'm struggling desperately. It has been off before, I know I will survive, but I love him to bits and I don't doubt that he loves me, but he can't seem to move forward at all.

He's moving forward - without you. You need to accept that it's finally over. Only then can you begin to grieve over the loss of the relationship.

LegacyUser

Hey OP. Just read your post and Im actually in the kind of same situation. We are or were together for 8.5 years. Went travelling last year and returned home at xmas. I noticed that she kind of changed aswell since returning home. She broke it off 2 months ago, she told me that she loves me but isnt in love with me. We hadnt talked in that time till yesterday and she told me that she wants to be friends but wants to meet up before she starts coming out with our mutual friends again.

So I really know how you feel and what you are going through. My head is all over the place. I know friendship isnt a possibility, cudnt cope with that, but I may meet and see what she has to say. Think she just wants to put it to bed for once and for all. Really think the travelling gave her a case of grass is greener but just dont know what to do. My parents really loved my ex and were quite hurt and disappointed in her with the way she handled things aswell.

How long was it when you returned home from travelling that your b/f split up with you? How and what made use get back together the first time? Is his reasons for breaking up all the time always the same?

LegacyUser

'When he looks into the future he sees a blur'

Sorry, gotta laugh, love that! At least he's not seeing a 20 yr old asian chick!

OP, yes it is time for re-evaluation. You have to let him go now. He may come back, he may not, but the only chance he has of coming back is if you let him go make his own mistakes (or not).

You can't see it now but there is alot more out there for you as well. I was single at 31 and had a ball. You will get a totally new lease of life and choose a man for his vision and decisiveness next time around. You still have lots of time. Make a realistic list of the qualities you want in someone, yes, I know you love him, but you are also being given a great opportunity to choose the life you want at an age when you're mature enough to know and ask for what you want and young enough to get it. And this will all seem like a blur ;-)

tolteq

and on and off is like a love hate relationship

best to find a lover who's switched on.

31 is young

Oh The Humanity

31 is young, look at it as having got the starter marriage out of the way, now you can get on with real life.

After 9 years together you still had not lived together and he saw the future as a a blur...that says it all.

Mixed messages and not sure and all that malarkey are another way of saying 'no' -the person can't come out and say it directly as they feel guilty for hurting your feelings....

Never settle for so little for so long again, you only get one life, make sure the person you are with really wants to be with you. This fella is not him.

wicklori

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey OP. Just read your post and Im actually in the kind of same situation. We are or were together for 8.5 years. Went travelling last year and returned home at xmas. I noticed that she kind of changed aswell since returning home. She broke it off 2 months ago, she told me that she loves me but isnt in love with me. We hadnt talked in that time till yesterday and she told me that she wants to be friends but wants to meet up before she starts coming out with our mutual friends again.

So I really know how you feel and what you are going through. My head is all over the place. I know friendship isnt a possibility, cudnt cope with that, but I may meet and see what she has to say. Think she just wants to put it to bed for once and for all. Really think the travelling gave her a case of grass is greener but just dont know what to do. My parents really loved my ex and were quite hurt and disappointed in her with the way she handled things aswell.

How long was it when you returned home from travelling that your b/f split up with you? How and what made use get back together the first time? Is his reasons for breaking up all the time always the same?

Sorry-been out of internet land for a while!!!To answer your questions-We broke up a week after we came back from travelling! Thought someone had disembowled me with a blunt shovel!We got back together because he came to me and said he had been doing a lot of thinking and didn't want ot be without me! It has always been the same!More or less his reasons for breaking up are always the same-he 'can't do this anymore'!!! Me fecking heart bleeds for him!!!Have met him since-he's in di*khead land! So think the best thing to do is avoid any contact.Having good days and bad days. Miss him like crazy-the having someone to share things with bit and the strong arms around me making me feel safe.I don't miss being made feel pretty bad about myself because I want to make plans for my future! I don't really think it's that unreasonable at this stage to want to have some idea where things might be going???He's a good guy and it's an awful pity he changed cos he used to be COMPLETELY amazing! Now he's more or less the same as any average idiot male-nothing to distinguish him from the crowd anymore! No drive or ambition to improve his lot in life-and I'm not just talking about marriage etc., he has no drive to even move out from his parents house-where he shares a bedroom!!!!!!I dunno!!