Not sexually attracted to this guy

LegacyUser

hi all

a new guy recently started in my office in work and we instantly hit it off. i asked him to comee to lunch with me and a few others from a different office, he joined us and we all hit it off with him, he started going everyday with us from then on. a couple of weeks later he started e-mailing me during work even tho he sits across from me i thought this was strange how ever i humoured him! then after a few days he started sending flirty e-mails and i was going through a very emotional time and was quite happy to take the attention he was paying me. however we all went on a work night out and too much alcohol was consumed, at the end of the night we agreed to share a taxi together as we both live in the same village. we kissed in the taxi and ended up sleeping together that night. the next morning he told me he was the luckiest person alive to have landed a girl like me. i couldnt bring myself to tell him i dont find him attractive and so just laughed. now 2 weeks later he wants us to go out on a date,i managed to get out of it by saying i already had plans/

So am i being shallow by not giving this guy a chance or should i tell him the truth???

Ps we really hit it off personality wise

ellie1

so you used him when you were feeling down. then you continued to humour him when he made a move. Then you slept with him because you were drunk.
i think you have treated this fella who is obviously mad about you very badly.

However,I think that attraction can grow if you get on well. Please dont use the fella if you feel there is never going to be an attaction there.

LegacyUser

i didnt use him, i do in fact like the guy and think we would work really well together i just dont fancy him!!!

so my question is can a relationship develop even though i dont fancy him????

ellie1

Why would you sleep with sombody you just dont fancy?

Just another thought, if the sex was good then maybe a sexually attraction could grow.

LegacyUser

the sex was great as far as i remember and i really dont think i would have slept with him if i had of been sober. i'm not the one night stand kind of girl

dory

Think of the amount of guys who sleep with women and don't want anything after. It happens! Ok, you haven't treated him the best, but this is no uncommon. Just tell him you see him as a friend or something. I don't think an attraction can grow.

994

Unregistered wrote: »

i didnt use him, i do in fact like the guy and think we would work really well together i just dont fancy him!!!

so my question is can a relationship develop even though i dont fancy him????

- Pretended to be interested in him just to get attention
- Continued to string him along because you were too afraid of telling him he's too ugly to be with you

Yeah, not using him at all.

Wibbs

Eh with respect, isn't that a bit of an exaggeration? They enjoyed each others company and after a night on the lash the booze took over and they jumped in the sack. Apparently the sex was great, but as a boyfriend or regular thing he just doesn't float her boat. It happens. It's happened to me, it's certainly happened with me. A pain yes on both sides but there it is. At no point did she describe him as ugly. Indeed one of the best looking women I ever met and slept with, it just wouldn't have panned out as a long term thing. At all and trust me she wasn't ugly. Didn't whether to admire her from afar or shag her TBH.

So what now for the OP. I would say you will have to make it clear to this guy. You like him as a person, the sex was grand, but as BF/GF it wouldn't work for you. Make it clear, don't hint, don't beat about the bush. Prepare to lose the guy as a mate for a time, maybe forever, but it's best if you rip the plaster off fast than leave it linger.

LegacyUser

mmmm you dont fancy him but you managed to sleep with him...I couldnt even kiss a girl I didnt fancy when drunk let alone sleep with them but maybe I just have alot of self control and high standards! If your not interested then just tell him and do not lead him on. Tell him what happened was a one off and you only see him as a friend or you have a thing about not getting involved with work collegues, do not tell him you dont find him attractive! If he is not some weirdo he will accept your decision and let it be.

I seriously need to reconsider my tactics with women because the amount of threads on here of people sleeping with others simply because they were "drunk", is it really that easy..... now where did I put that bottle of vodka!

DiddyBiddy

Everyone makes mistakes, don't beat yourself up about it. If you really want to stay friends with this guy you should probably make it clear nothing is going to happen between ye. It sounds like you don't know him that well so maybe say you are still hung up on an ex/someone else or that you just dont want a relationship at the minute. Telling someone that you are not attracted to them and that it was just drink talking is a bit harsh in my opinion. If he has any cop on he will get the message. good luck

LegacyUser

erm.. are you sure you don't actually fancy him & maybe he's just not attractive enough to be seen on your arm.. are you more concerned with outward perceptions of attractiveness than how he gets your juices flowing so to speak

i mean you buzz off each other and the sex was good

I know it wasn't the question you asked, but you are on here posting about it so you must be thinking it over... it's not like you're going... ooh yuk, get away, i can't believe i slept with you

if its just a case that 'i wouldn't normally go for a guy like that', then give him a shot i'd say... if its a case of you totally know theres no chance, then let him out of his misery & tell him..

PS. i dont think you used him

LegacyUser

Be honest with him for his sake. If you dont plan on becomming more with him, tell him straight out "I dont find you attractive, i think you are a really cool guy who i love spending time with but there will be nothing serious between us ever"

Otherwise hes just going to keep trying and trying and end up getting more and more frustrated over it.

LegacyUser

Unregcra wrote: »

erm.. are you sure you don't actually fancy him & maybe he's just not attractive enough to be seen on your arm.. are you more concerned with outward perceptions of attractiveness than how he gets your juices flowing so to speak

i mean you buzz off each other and the sex was good

+1
sex can't be good if you don't fancy the person IMO.
I would agree that it seems that you are more concerned with other peoples opinion of the guys looks.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

ha new guy recently started in my office in work and we instantly hit it off.

Good start, you obviously both dig each other as people..

Unregistered wrote: »

i asked him to comee to lunch with me and a few others from a different office, he joined us and we all hit it off with him, he started going everyday with us from then on.

So you get on with this guy, you ask him to lunch, you introduce him to people, perhaps he's starting to get the idea you like him as more than a friend..

Unregistered wrote: »

a couple of weeks later he started e-mailing me during work even tho he sits across from me i thought this was strange how ever i humoured him! then after a few days he started sending flirty e-mails and i was going through a very emotional time and was quite happy to take the attention he was paying me.

So you get closer, inside jokes in the office, private emails etc., he starts flirting with you.... and you encourage it.......

Unregistered wrote: »

however we all went on a work night out and too much alcohol was consumed, at the end of the night we agreed to share a taxi together as we both live in the same village. we kissed in the taxi and ended up sleeping together that night.

I can see where he may have got the idea you like him too.

Unregistered wrote: »

the next morning he told me he was the luckiest person alive to have landed a girl like me. i couldnt bring myself to tell him i dont find him attractive and so just laughed.

He was delighted with himself for sleeping with you... it was obviously a boost to his ego. By 'landed' I presume he meant sleeping together. Which you willingly did after a couple of weeks of knowing he fancied you, and well not putting a stop to it. Why would you tell him you don't find him attractive... I can't figure that one out at all.

Unregistered wrote: »

now 2 weeks later he wants us to go out on a date,i managed to get out of it by saying i already had plans/.

See, if he had asked you out the morning after you slept with him, I'd saying perhaps he was reading too much into a drunken one night stand. But he waits two weeks, even though you work together, was nothing mentioned in the mean time? The two week wait seems to me like he was happy just having bedded you, not that he thought he had 'landed' you as if you were now his girlfriend.

Unregistered wrote: »

So am i being shallow by not giving this guy a chance or should i tell him the truth??? Ps we really hit it off personality wise

Well yes and no. You are being shallow if you are basing this purely on his looks. You're not being shallow if you're just not interested in pursuing this any further, but seems to me you are interested in dating this guy. My guess is one of your friends has said something about his looks and now you're feeling embarrassed about what you have done, and what he wants to do now... very petty in that case. What 'truth' do you want to tell him so badly? Sorry mate you're not attractive enough to date me? If you're not interested how about you just say so, you don't need to give a reason.

On a side note, if the sexes were reversed in this case, the guy would be hung drawn and quartered for being so selfish as to sleep with a girl from work he knew fancied him, but he's too ashamed to date, because she's not attractive enough. How would the OP feel if their places were reversed. If you want to let him down, let him down gently, no need to be rude or abusive about it.

Cleopatra12

You know somhing, i find this the most frustrating thing in the world... here you have a great guy who you get on great with, who you have a laugh with, would prob have a great relationship with but just dont fancy.

I feel your pain, recently went through this. its a nightmare. I had to tell him that although i liked him an awful lot, i just did not feel that 'click' as regards fancying him. I think he appreciated it, but then again he is a really great guy and could have been just polite.

Now i did give it as many chances as i could to try to like him that way. Have you done the same? have you really given it that chance?

Have to be honest, i do find it odd that you would sleep with him if you do not fancy him cos most women cant do that... Even if you were drunk. Anywho, wh not just tell him that you are just not interested in seeing anyone at the mo. Mean i know, but its easier to whip off a plaster in one go.. Much less painful.

tolteq

ur typical of most predatory irish women. i prefer nice brown arab women. and none of this bizarre difficult r/ship stuff. lol.

Zaph

tolteq wrote: »

ur typical of most predatory irish women. i prefer nice brown arab women. and none of this bizarre difficult r/ship stuff. lol.

You may wish to familiarise yourself with the part of the charter dealing with off-topic and unhelpful posts before you add anything further to the discussion.

gabbygirlgavin

OP, just let that poor boy down gently.
explain that emotionally ye are great together and u still want to be friends but that u just dont have feelings for him. oh lord dont say your not attracted to him, u might as well cut off his man parts if u do that...

G-Money

prinz wrote: »

On a side note, if the sexes were reversed in this case, the guy would be hung drawn and quartered for being so selfish as to sleep with a girl from work he knew fancied him, but he's too ashamed to date, because she's not attractive enough. How would the OP feel if their places were reversed. If you want to let him down, let him down gently, no need to be rude or abusive about it.

I couldn't agree more.

blaz

Unregistered wrote: »

So am i being shallow by not giving this guy a chance or should i tell him the truth???

Here's my personal summary of this situation:

• You were "happy about the attention he gave you" (read: you abused him to stroke your ego)
• You slept with this guy only because you were drunk (read: if any other guy was available at that time you would sleep with that guy)
• He really seems to like you (read: he has no clue)
• You don't find him attractive (read: even if he was the last men on Earth you would not want to be his girlfriend)

Up to this point you treated this guy like junk. Not even for a moment were you honest with him. Do you really think that this guy will suddenly grow on you by magic? Don't you think you should pay at least a little respect by telling him the truth about what you (don't) feel?

Oh The Humanity

Unregistered wrote: »

i didnt use him, i do in fact like the guy and think we would work really well together i just dont fancy him!!!

so my question is can a relationship develop even though i dont fancy him????

Nope, if sexual attraction is not mutual its already dead in the water.

Dont waste his time.

Taltos

He sounds like a nice bloke if maybe too trusting so let him down gently.

Go for a coffee and tell him that while you really like him you just cannot have a relationship with someone in work. If pushed that one night was a lapse in your judgement - but work has to come first now. Tell him you still want to be friends - cause who knows - you slept with him for a reason - alcohol does not change who you are - it changes your inhibitions...

But be gentle to him.

togster

OP you obviously care enough about the guy to want to let him down gently. There was nothing majorly wrong in what you did. I have done similar and worse in the past but people get over it. The key is not to string him on more. Just tell him.

chopley

Unregistered wrote: »

we all went on a work night out and too much alcohol was consumed, at the end of the night we agreed to share a taxi together as we both live in the same village. we kissed in the taxi and ended up sleeping together that night. the next morning he told me he was the luckiest person alive to have landed a girl like me.

Scary that he thinks he's "landed" you just because of one alcohol-fuelled night of carnal passion. Sounds like he's living in cloud-cuckoo land. For that reason, you should steer clear of him.

prinz

chopley wrote: »

Scary that he thinks he's "landed" you just because of one alcohol-fuelled night of carnal passion. Sounds like he's living in cloud-cuckoo land. For that reason, you should steer clear of him.

Obviously he doesn't mean it the way you take it, seeing as how he waited two weeks before he asked her on a date? Notice he didn't assume they were now an 'item'.

Monkey61

chopley wrote: »

Scary that he thinks he's "landed" you just because of one alcohol-fuelled night of carnal passion. Sounds like he's living in cloud-cuckoo land. For that reason, you should steer clear of him.

Well that's a bit unfair to the guy, he had spent a couple of weeks exchanging flirty emails and going to lunch with the OP so I can easily see where he would get the idea that they were possibly on their way to something happening.

OP if you are absolutely sure that you are never going to fancy him then be brutally honest (in the nicest possible way). Excuses such as "Oh I don't get involved with people at work" are cruel because if he really likes you he isn't going to be put off by that and he will constantly be wondering "what if..."

Just tell him that you are sorry that you lead him on, but were vulnerable and liked the attention and that you just don't find him attractive in that way. Yes it will hurt him in the short term, but he will also get over it a lot quicker because he will know that it is never going to happen!

SarahSassy

There are some old fashioned guys out there and I would guess that he things ye are an item because you have slept together (thats what happened with my OH).

Attraction can grow... TBH I was not sure at the start but really liked her personality... Give him a go but dont string him along.

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

Not sexually attracted to this guy

End the relationship now because this problem isn't going to go away. It'll just get harder the longer you stay with him.

prinz

AARRRGH wrote: »

End the relationship now because this problem isn't going to go away. It'll just get harder the longer you stay with him.

But that's just it, there is no relationship. Guy likes girl. Girl knows this sleeps with guy. Guy still likes girl.......

Her issue is whether or not to tell him she thinks he's fugly... or whether to go on a date with him like he asked.

If i thought I was part of an 'item' I wouldn't wait two weeks, then ask my supposed OH out on a date..

AARRRGH

prinz wrote: »

But that's just it, there is no relationship. Guy likes girl. Girl knows this sleeps with guy. Guy still likes girl.......

Her issue is whether or not to tell him she thinks he's fugly... or whether to go on a date with him like he asked.

If i thought I was part of an 'item' I wouldn't wait two weeks, then ask my supposed OH out on a date..

Yeah, you're right.

She should just decline the date.

I guess she's just one of those people who have difficulty saying no...