feeling insecure about new girlfreind

LegacyUser

hi,

im seeing a girl a few months now, shes a great girl, very popular, smart and pretty. we had a night out with her freinds a few nights back and I must say i found it very hard to make conversation with her friends, they all knew eachother so well and most topics of conversation were about things they had done or about funny times of nights out etc.
It kinda made me feel abit insecure as i also realised im a totally different person to her friends and the people she socialises with, not in a bad way, i suppose im just not as cool as they would be.

That night made me think why is she with me? there are so many lads in her social circle that would be more her type than me. I actually feel alittle upset now that these thoughts have entered my head, everything was grand till now. also she has so many more friends than me that i may as well have none! she is always invited to house parties and nights out with large group, i have none of that going on, im afraid she will soon get bored of me.

can anyone offer me words of wisdom on how i deal with this? i guess im just not feeling good enough right now.

speedy2007

I feel the same about my boyf friends. I have nothing in common with them, and it is really difficult to join in a conversation you know nothing about. they all think im really quiet.
It hasn't affected my relationship with my boyf tho - i figure if i was the exact same as his friends, then id just be another friend and not his girlfriend.
The same goes for my friends - they're really nothing like my boyf, but i like that i can do things with him that my friends wouldnt have any interest in doing.
I dont know whether this makes you feel any better, but she obviously picked you for a reason rather than any of those other lads. So try not to feel so bad and have more confident in yourself. You must be great if such a popular and smart girl wants you as her boyf

Salome

Maybe she likes you because you're the opposite of her friends?

Just go with it and enjoy your fledgeling relationship - to be insecure right now might just scupper it.

Queencake

She is with you because she wants to be. Remember that.

Go out with her a bit more. Get to know her friends. It's sometimes hard getting to know people in groups like that but it will happen.

Just be nice to yourself. Sounds like you've a great girl there and again - SHE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU!

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies... i know what people are saying...that she chose me for me and i see that. I really dont want these feelings to get in the way become an issue for me and the relationship, in fact im desperately trying not to let that happen. I guess im just confused why she likes me when her friends are so different to me. But thats something i guess she knows the answer to.

im 27 now and have had a handful of serious girlfriends over the years, this is the first time i have felt like this! she is different than girls ive been with before, in terms of her interests, dress sense, education background...etc etc...so its a new experience!

LegacyUser

feelingInsecure wrote: »

hi,
That night made me think why is she with me? there are so many lads in her social circle that would be more her type than me. I actually feel alittle upset now that these thoughts have entered my head, everything was grand till now. also she has so many more friends than me that i may as well have none! she is always invited to house parties and nights out with large group, i have none of that going on, im afraid she will soon get bored of me.

This is something ive noticed happening sometimes if im with my friends around another group of people I know. Often on a night having a few drinks or whatever they will constantly talk about all these things we did years ago and it will just go on and on. These things that are talked about are not necessarily things that would normally come up in conversation and after it goes on for so long it feels to me like they are doing it as a way of getting over their own intimidation at not knowing the new people by a kind of macho "look at all the cool stuff weve done together".

It may just be a way of coping with their fear of not knowing you

I say listen to the other posters, shes obviously with you for a reason

Driseog

Maybe because your a bit different to her usual clan she is able to make a better connection with you. I've noticed one thing about some large social groups of friends, that there's always some night out and everyone has good craic in the group together but at the end of it there can be a lack of a real connection with people. I know that doesn't make much sense. But I'd say you've nothing to worry about.

turgon

Just a word here to say that I avoid all of my girlfriends friends. One day when I saw a group of them I was about to walk across the street away until I realized that was kind of sad.

You in the relationship for the girl, not her friends

orestes

feelingInsecure wrote: »

hi,

im seeing a girl a few months now, shes a great girl, very popular, smart and pretty. we had a night out with her freinds a few nights back and I must say i found it very hard to make conversation with her friends, they all knew eachother so well and most topics of conversation were about things they had done or about funny times of nights out etc.
It kinda made me feel abit insecure as i also realised im a totally different person to her friends and the people she socialises with, not in a bad way, i suppose im just not as cool as they would be.

That night made me think why is she with me? there are so many lads in her social circle that would be more her type than me. I actually feel alittle upset now that these thoughts have entered my head, everything was grand till now. also she has so many more friends than me that i may as well have none! she is always invited to house parties and nights out with large group, i have none of that going on, im afraid she will soon get bored of me.

can anyone offer me words of wisdom on how i deal with this? i guess im just not feeling good enough right now.

What people look for in a friend is not necessarily the same as what they would look for in a partner. I have many friends I would never consider getting involved in a relationship with. Not because I don't like them as people (if I didn't I wouldn't be friends with them), but I just have no interest in them as potential partners for various reasons (don't find them sexually attractive, don't think our personalities would work together well in a romantic relationship, etc.).

It is inevitable that your social circles will start to overlap in the early stages of a relationship and that her and her friends will discuss topics that they have intersts in (they have history together and with that comes certain shared experiences and situations that they will refer to, it's only natural for members of a group), just as if a member of their group was to go out for a night with you and your friends they might feel uncomfortable or out of place. Once you feel more comfortable being with her and her friends, and integrate into the group a little bit and become part of it maybe you won't feel this way as you come to understand the relationships between the members of the group on a deeper level.

She's friends with them, but she's dating you

LegacyUser

hey,

thanks for posting, i actually got no sleep last night with this on my mind. I'm thinking all sorts of mad things now like ending it! I mean it would be silly to end it based on this, but if its affecting my health, sleep and mood would it be for the best? I am really freaking out here. i know she likes me and is affectionate around me but i know she really values her friends and im afraid that that i just wont be able to get along with them and that will be that! i have about 3 close friends and thats it, she has about 30 and loads of them are close to her. I feel like a social failure here.

LegacyUser

do not break up with her over your insecurities. my boyfriend is very different to my friends and its grand. you are not going out with her friends. why does it matter if you dont get on with eachother?

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

do not break up with her over your insecurities. my boyfriend is very different to my friends and its grand. you are not going out with her friends. why does it matter if you dont get on with eachother?

I really like her so I want everything to be good, I want to get on with her friends because they are apart of who she is too. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that we couldnt get on...it was just that it was hard. We are from very different backgrounds in terms of social class so maybe my insecurities come from there. Maybe im way over analysing this...something I tend to do alot!

dblennon

I think this might be good advise, but it depends on how out going you are as a person.

Don't think of the group as one, but many individuals, the next time you are out with her friends start talking to one of them (i'd go with a guy).

I've opened with a "so whats X really like, whats her biggest skeleton"
Make sure she's in earshot for it though, so that people know it's in jest.

In general people like talking to new people on nights out so you will very quickly be introduced around by this (guy), don't expect the GF to do this as she won't want to force you on anyone.

the first few weeks of getting to know her friends is the easiest IMO, after that you will actually know which you like and which you don't.

LegacyUser

dblennon wrote: »

I think this might be good advise, but it depends on how out going you are as a person.

Thats the thing i am not a quiet person, one on one with someone im fine, but being introduced to large groups does make me a bit nervous. And it was fine i got chatting to one or two alone, it was just when i ended up in a group of these people I couldn't contribute to any conversation. That last thing I want is to come across as socially inept

who what when

Thats the thing i am not a quiet person, one on one with someone im fine, but being introduced to large groups does make me a bit nervous. And it was fine i got chatting to one or two alone, it was just when i ended up in a group of these people I couldn't contribute to any conversation. That last thing I want is to come across as socially inept


I think its important to give it some time. Focus more on making a good impression in the one on one's for the time being.
You wont come across as socially inept by just taking a back seat in the 'group conversations'. Although i find in groups like these there's always one or two who go out of their way to include newcomers.
Over time though you'l find you can contribute more and more to these and in no time im sure you'l be seen as just one of the gang, albeit perhaps a latecomer but no less welcome.

dblennon

well I know in my group that a new BF or GF wouldn't be expected to come out with a huge amount.

IMO its alot worse to be the guy who thinks he's best mates with a group before he has got to know everyone.

so don't worry about comming across as socialy inept I'd keep ploughing through 2-3 people a night untill you've meet the majority.

as long as you actually aren't an asshole the message will be relayed that your a good guy.

LegacyUser

i know exactly where your coming from!!! iv been going out with my girlfriend now for nearly a year and i now have absolutely no problem with her friends and would now consider them my friends..... but at the start i had your problem! all they seemed to talk about was past expieriences which i knew nothing about so therefore i couldn really participate in their conversatioins!!! as a result of this i was described as quiet which i am most definitly not!!

anyway tbh all i did was have a few more drinks to get the tounge moving and i talked away no bother about anything! ha! but if thats not your thing basically you just have to grin and bare it for the time being until you gradually get to know her friends.... and trust me you will get to know them eventually!!

hope iv helped a bit;)

Queencake

feelingInsecure wrote: »

I really like her so I want everything to be good, I want to get on with her friends because they are apart of who she is too. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that we couldnt get on...it was just that it was hard. We are from very different backgrounds in terms of social class so maybe my insecurities come from there. Maybe im way over analysing this...something I tend to do alot!

Okay, well what is the problem there? Could you elaborate seeing as you feel your insecurities come from this?

LegacyUser

Queencake wrote: »

Okay, well what is the problem there? Could you elaborate seeing as you feel your insecurities come from this?

well she would be from a successful family, family run business, everyone done very well, all went to college. mine is small and well f**ked up. parents seperated, unemployed. not much money in the family. my small set of friends...well only one of them has gone to college. all her friends are well educated, good universities... i just feel like there is a huge mismatch in out backgrounds and guess I feel ashamed by it (although it pains me to say it). i suppose there are a number of issues im having here.

I think you will agree im a messed up twat!

viggi-tea

Maybe you could have a quiet word with the girl and say how you'd like to spend some time alone with her? If you dont really want to hang with her friends until you know her better I'm sure she'll understand but you dont have to put it like that. Just be casual and suggest doing stuff alone. If she's inviting you out wit her friends it could just bethat she's nervous to invite you out unless somethings on or she just thinks you'll get on.

It sounds like she really likes you, especially if shes proud enough of you to bring you out with her friends! So maybe just try to get some alone time thats whats important is your growing relationship

CDfm

Cmon OP you are obsessing a bit here.

You are going out with a girl you positively like but whose backgrounds vary a tad. So it stands to reason that socially you will be different - but that is not nesscessarily about socialbackgrounds more down to social life.

I have a brother who goes to everything and has huge bar-b-qs. He always is out but has a huge number of invites as he invites loads of people to his house etc. So maybe she comes from a circle of people who do all this.

I have an ex who always worried what the neighbours might think and she still does. Your g/f seems perfectly happy to be seen with you everywhere.

Maybe she likes you because you are neither part of a social set nor have airs and graces.

What you describe as dysfuntional to her may be grounded and practical. Do you not think you would be an asset in these recession filled times.

I can see many reasons why she might like you just from reading your posts and you should not loose sight of those qualities.