Hate my dad

LegacyUser

Hello, i don't know what to write here but anyway. This has been bothering me for years. Well, i ignore it too, so it doesn't bother me but sometimes it does. Anyway, here goes.

I am 27 years old with two older siblings, 28 and 29. We still live at home with our mother. We pay our own way and still enjoy our lives (so i don't need a bashing for still living at home).
Our parents has been separated for the past 10 years. Our father was having an affair. He moved out of the house but still lives close by. They had a child who is now 11.
When we were younger he was never at home. I dont remember him ever spending time with us. He was only living in the house to sleep. He was never there for us. He never supported my mother. He never supported us either through school or college. He never even spent christmas with us.
We sometimes see him but only passing on the road, where its just hello on both parts.

Anyway, it kills me that he has never spent any time with us growing up. Before he left the house 10 years ago he would bring his child home to us where he would pretend he was babysitting. When we knew it was his kid. We knew about his affair long before he left us. He was spending time with him then as a baby and he let us see that. To this day he still spends time with his kid. He brings him everywhere with him. Now im not saying he should have ignored his kid but he has never spent any time at all with us like he does with him.
The few times i was in his place, he had pictures up all over the place of his child growing up. There wasn't one picture of the rest of us.
My dad sometimes talks about his partners kids who is around the same age as myself. Maybe it was for some kind of conversation but i really don't care about them. When i was in college doing exams he would offen brag about how well his partners kids got on in college but he never once asked how i got on. This really made me feel so low about myself. Like as if he just didn't care.

I hate him. I resent his kid. Thats stupid cause its not his fault. But the only thing i wanted was to spend time with him (dad). And his child always got that. He made no effort to see us.
Its too late now, i am never going to get those years back when i needed him most. I would like to see him, talk to him and what not but what's the point he never made any effort with us. Sometimes i would like to tell him exactly how i feel, maybe then he might realise how much he had hurt us.

Ok he's not getting any younger and i know he's not going to be around forever so i would like to at least try, but how? Or should i?

Salome

Personally, I wouldn't bother as he's not bothered with you or your siblings. He seems more interested in his second family. I'd leave him to it, for good.

But, I'm not you and it sounds like this is eating you up inside. How do your siblings feel about your father? Have you spoken to your father about his differing relationships with his first and second families children? Has he offered any excuse for this?

dreamer_ire

I think you need to figure out what you want... do you want a r/ship with him, do you want to make him hear you or do you want to slap him (and it could be a millions things inbetween). Once you know what you want then you have to figure out if it's achievable. Finally look at the best and worst that could come from it. If you are prepared to handle the worst then go do it.

It might be an idea to start with a letter, and maybe you want to write this several times over before you get want you want to say down on paper. You might also find that writing it all down is therapy in itself and you may have no desire to actually give it to him. I'm suggesting a letter first so that you get to say all you want to say without being flustered if you were doing it in person. It also gives him a chance to sit with it for a while, reread it and really hear what you are saying to him.

Whatever you choose to do OP good luck with it, I hope it works out for you.

Lollipops23

OP i just gonna come out and say it, it sounds like your dad is a total git.

However,he probably realises that he was a crap dad to you and your siblings and is now trying to right his mistakes by being a good dad to the little fella.

Do you feel like you've missed out on having a strong male role model growing up?if not then i reckon get on with your life. you don't owe your dad anything, although he owes you so much.

Kernel32

I am responding as someone who has a tenuous relationship with his parents and in particular with my dad. I am in my mid thirties so a bit further along than you. This is just my opinion based on what has happened in my own life.

You will never have the relationship you want to have with him, never ever, period end of story. The first thing you need to to is establish a situation whereby you can get to the point of acceptance of who he is and what happened in the past. In my opinion you need to leave your current situation of living at home and become entirely independent. I understand that you pay your own way etc but you likely have an emotional dependence on your current situation and also there could be things being done for you that you don't even realize that are a barrier to true independence. Then you can establish a relationship on your own terms and learn to accept it for what it is, but your independence becomes the focus of your life and this situation is just something you work on in the background. Once you get to the point of acceptance you will find clarity because anger and the need to make the other person understand your pain go away. It becomes irrelevant and it would probably improve the relationship you have with all your siblings at the same time.

You will see all sorts of touchy feely advice about trying to rebuild a relationship with him etc etc. In my own experience it's a waste of energy to do that with someone who doesn't recognize the relationship as broken in the first place. Instead take that energy and use it on you which will allow you to deal with it as it exists, and get on with your life.

Fiend-Foe

I had a very strained relationship with both my parents growing up for different reasons. My parents were also separated and my father wasn't around when I was growing up, he also has another child with another partner. He is much more involved with this child than he ever was with me.

I moved out at 18 and started my own life. I am 23 now and my relationship with both of my parents is healthier than ever. Its an adult relationship and we treat each other as equals. Everything has been so much better since I moved out and I honestly think it would give you a totally different perspective

I think because you are still at home with your siblings the dynamics of your household are the same that they have always been. I really thing you should get out there and get a place you can call your own. You can then forge a new relationship with both of your parents and your siblings from a new standpoint.

You can't change the past and neither can your father, there is nothing either of you can ever do about that. It is quite possible your father really regrets the way things have played out too and may feel that there is nothing he can do, maybe he doesn't know where to start. He seems like my father to be quite emotionally closed off, he doesn't know how to act around you and says things that are insensitive (exams etc.) I think you have 2 choices.

1. Cut all ties with him and see him the bare minimum, get on with things and build your own life. Dwelling on the past and things that can't be changed won't get you anywhere.

2. Get your own place and have him over on your own terms, build a new relationship with him as an adult. Man to man, not father to son. If you want a relationship with him you will have to initiate it. I know you feel you shouldn't have to do this, but lets face it he isn't going to. He may feel ashamed, there could be lots of reasons why. He might be longing for a relationship just as much. But he, like you doesn't know where to start or how to go about getting it.

It is obvious that you harbour a lot of resentment for his other son. You only refer to him as his other 'child'. Like it or not, this 'child' is your little brother. He's very young and impressionable and would probably love to have you in his life.

My little brother is 11 too and he's such a cool little guy, I don't get to spend as much time with him as I'd like to but when I do I have a really good time. I know he looks up to me a lot, I'm sure your little bro looks up to you too. I know thats not what you came on here to ask about but I really think you should get involved with this kid before its too late. When he turns into a teenager it may be too late. If you can spend time with your little brother and build a relationship with him things with your father may follow. This kid didn't do anything wrong and I'm sure if you give him a chance you can have a lot of fun being the big brother and looking out for him. Its very rewarding.