Gambling mess

LegacyUser

Someone close to me has had a gambling problem for the last 5 years now. Things have come to a head now and it looks like his marriage is on the rocks. His wife wants out of the relationship but he is resisting this. I'm worried that he might do something stupid as he is stressed out about the whole situation. His wife doesn't know the extent of his gambling problems. I've tried to get him to own up to her about this as I think it would be the right thing for him to do. I'm not sure what advice to give him.

Beruthiel

He could start here.

username123

Agree with Beruthiel. Unless he is willing to deal with his addiction he is on a slippery slope. There is nothing you can do for him, beyond be supportive if and when he makes the right decisions about dealing with his addiction.
The fact his wife doesnt know the extent of it is something that he needs to sort out himself. Telling him he should own up to her is good advice but until he starts dealing with the addiction any advice you give is probably wasted.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again. Just want to thank both of you for your advice. I've contacted GA and they have said the same thing as you've said - he has to accept he has a problem and only then can he start to help himself.

It's just sometimes, I feel like I should be doing more rather than waiting for him to accept things. It's his family I'm comcerned more for now because of the debts he has run up and the mess that he is creating for them.

Again, thanks for taking the time to respond and I appreciate the advice given.

username123

Unregistered wrote: »

It's just sometimes, I feel like I should be doing more rather than waiting for him to accept things. It's his family I'm comcerned more for now because of the debts he has run up and the mess that he is creating for them.

I hear ya. Its incredibly difficult to stand back and watch someone make a royal mess of life because of an addiction - but sometimes they NEED to make that mess in order to realise they need help. If people are helping them, and sorting things for them and trying to make them accept things etc...the realisation of how bad things are doesnt always hit.

You might want to read up/research addiction, co-dependancy and enabling and see how best you can stand back from things while being supportive (sounds like a contradiction but isnt really!!).

Also - if youre close to his wife you might suggest to her that she gets some help for herself - something similar to Alanon, but for people affected by someone elses gambling, Im sure GA could advise. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi Op here again. Thanks Username123, good advice. I'll look into the details of enabling and codependency - even without checking the detail, I can see that in some way I've made things easier for him by helping him out financially in the past because I felt sorry for him. I've changed my attitude now though as I feel that help from me is only a short term fix and then he's back to square one again. Thanks very much for taking the time to offer words of advice.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again, sorry to resurrect an old post but thought it would be useful for other users to see the backgound to this.

Well, the mess has gotten worse, his wife and kids have moved out of the family home. He has attended an addiction centre with me just for an initial assessment. He was very open and honest during the assessment. Afterwards, he seemed to backtrack a lot and told me he was 50/50 about going back for the full program.

The hardest thing to hear was that he has had suicidal thoughts. Today's is a big day for suicide awareness, so this is really making me dwell on his admission to having these thoughts.

Money situation is terrible with him at the moment - even with help from all family members, I don't think we could sort this out.

Any advice welcome.

Peggypeg

You are a good friend. It sounds like his life is going down the pan, the fact that he's still not sure about threatment even with all that's happened means he's in denial. He'll probably go back and forth and back and forth but I hope in the end he can get his addiction under control. As someone who's been around an addict the only advice I can give is that, you really can't do this for him, he needs to do this himself, lending money etc just enables him to avoid dealing with his problem (I know you said you won't do it anymore). About the only thing you can do for him is be his friend, listen when he wants to talk etc. This really isn't something you can help with other than by being there if he needs a shoulder to cry on.

LegacyUser

Thanks French23,

OP here again, your advice is spot on. I can't do this for him. His negativity is unbearable sometimes. Luckily, he has opened up to other family members about this and one in particular is being very supporttive. This may sound selfish, but it eases the burden on me quite a bit. I have always feared giving him the wrong advice so having a consistent approach from someone else is a huge help. His life has gone down the pan but at this stage there is a lot to salvage such as his relationship with his kids. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.