Boyfriend And His Ex

LegacyUser

I am driving myself mad on this and its eating me up inside. I am seeing a guy now nearly a year and I am crazy about him. When I first met him he was not ready for a relationship and told me about an ex of his who he was madly in love with and was devastated when she left him saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship. After a couple of months he told me he wanted us to have a serious relationship with me and we have been getting along great in every way. He told me when we first met that himself and this ex of his didn’t talk that it was too painful for him. But once we started getting serious I began to realise that they were in contact. This contact is constant: social networking sites , MSN, text messages and he has helped her out with some ‘issues’ she has had involving her calling to his house and him to hers . We had a weekend break in Europe recently and he was even constantly texting her then. Now I know I will get blasted for this but I have been checking his phone. The texts are flirty with lots of sexual innuendo . This is constantly on my mind I am terrified that he is not over her. I have told him this and he told me that I was being neurotic they are just friends. Now you might say well that’s fair enough but My last and only ex was an abusive womaniser & when I raised these type of issues with him he would always do this to me as well “ I would never do, that your mad , it’s all in your head” etc etc ( it wasn’t) . My ex would always turn the situation around so that I was apologising for accusing him and making him feel bad. Basically manipulating me and making me doubt my own sanity. This is exactly what happened when I spoke to the current about his ex. My question is this am I totally mad and judging him on past experiences and need counselling ( Current BF’s words) or for some crazy reason have I picked the same type of guy again ? Sorry for the long post any advice is appreciated.

**Caroline**

Hi,

Just going through your post and I do think you have a right to be worried.

Unregistered wrote: »

he wanted us to have a serious relationship with me and we have been getting along great in every way.

That's all well and good but then (regarding the ex who he was SO distraught over)...

Unregistered wrote: »

I began to realise that they were in contact. This contact is constant: social networking sites , MSN, text messages and he has helped her out with some ‘issues’ she has had involving her calling to his house and him to hers .

You need to ask why there is a need for constant contact if he has moved on. Also, why did you have to stumble accross this revelation instead of him being upfront. If there was nothing to hide, then surely he would have let you know they kept in touch.
Now, at the same time it's hard to know if you're reading too much into it and maybe he just felt that you'd jump to the wrong conclusion if he DID tell you..

However:

Unregistered wrote: »

The texts are flirty with lots of sexual innuendo .

:eek:
Ok, here's the bit that I'd personally have the problem with. Boyfriend having female friends = fine. Having a laugh = grand! Making sexual remarks etc... not ok with me! Might be acceptable to some women but I defo wouldn't be happy with my other half carrying on like that. Fair enough, it could be innocent but it's still very flirty and it is his ex after all. If you're paranoid, it's only because he's driving you to it!!

Unregistered wrote: »

My question is this am I totally mad and judging him on past experiences and need counselling ( Current BF’s words) or for some crazy reason have I picked the same type of guy again ?

Like I said above, you do have good reason to be worried/concerned. I'm not saying that he's definitely cheating or even that he has intentions to do so. It may or may not be innocent BUT either way there's some issues you need to resolve with him. What lines he should or shouldn't cross if he wants to be in a relationship with you etc. I'd definitely be cautious of the whole situation.

After all, most guys who ARE cheating don't want their missus to find out so they will most likely make out that YOU have it all wrong. THEY'RE not like your ex, THEY wouldn't do that etc. etc.. But usually if your instinct is telling you somethings not right, you need to look into it!!

383Ger

There's a saying...if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and waddles like a duck...chances are pretty good that's it's a duck...
Like Caroline says you have a right to be worried...good luck

LegacyUser

Have to agree here , no somke without fire and all that time to cut him

cafecolour

I'd say he's probably not cheating. All the same, I'd say get out.

You don't go from madly in love to texting/flirting but 'being just friends.' His actions show that not only is he not over her, he's still too hooked to try and get over her. Why go on any longer with someone whose heart is clearly elsewhere?

Don't even get into an argument with him about it. I'd simply say "I don't think you are cheating or would cheat, but you are clearly not over her, and that's not a good person to be in a relationship with. Bye."

SarahSassy

Even if he is not actually cheating he is behaving in a manner which you find inappropriate and doesnt seem to care if it upsets you.

If he wont change and if you are not happy then you need to move on.

Wibbs

There are three people in your relationship. You, him and her and have been since you started going out with him. Not good, no matter which way you cut it. His focus is not on you, or not on you enough. I'd put pretty good money that he would go back with her if she asked him to. It sounds like he's not nearly over her. The flirty aspects would irritate, but the level of contact would irritate me more TBH. The emotional connection is more worrying really.

If it was me I would cut my losses and walk, though of course that's all too easy to say.

Ericka

Wibbs wrote: »

If it was me I would cut my losses and walk, though of course that's all too easy to say.

I would be of the same school of thought, to be perfectly honest.

I wouldn't be very comforatable with that level of contact, and it is unfair on you. Worse still, he doesn't seem to care. I may be clutching at straws here, but is it possible that his ex got in touch with him when she realised he was in a relationship? Some people want their cake, and everyone elses while they are at it. The fact that he is getting sucked back into frequent contact with her, doesn't not scream "over" to me. If it was me, I would finish it. It's far too messy, and I wouldn't have the patience for it. Make the right choice for yourself.

hotchick77

dump him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

There are three people in your relationship.

I have to agree with this , and as hard as it is you should let him go OP . You say its eating you up inside please think of your self and look at the facts

1) He is in constant contact with an ex he was madly in love with he cann't let her go

2) He has lied and is lying to you .

3) He has called over to help out her out with some 'issues ' -seriously WTF

4) He uses your previous bad experinces as a way to cover himself

If my OH was flirting with some one else she would be given her marching orders.

It doesn't matter if he has cheated or not .You should be the only one on his mind clearly you are not . He is emotinaly envolved with his ex . Otherwise he would not need to be in contact with her . I rarely text anyone else but my girlfriend . I certainly do not send other girls flirty texts.
Why are you accepting this? Please do yourself a favor and end this now.
Like a previous poster said if it walks like a duck it is a duck. Trust your instincts on this .
There are plenty of guys out there who will treat you with respect cut this loser loose.