Broken dreams

Blue196

Just been reading the post a few threads down about girl who's been constantly put down, didn't want to intrude with my own story so I'll start a new thread. I suppose I see myself as that girl, the problem is that I'm the girl 20 years later. I've been put down for so long that I feel I barely exist anymore. The abuse has been a bit more subtle but the damage is severe. I tried for so long to be what I thought he wanted and then discovered that he had a whole secret life going on that I knew nothing about. A part of me wants to scream at him to get out but the bigger part of me wants to protect my kids and also it's very scary in your my forties with a small income and no self esteem to have the belief that I'm worth the effort.
I suppose my question is where do I start, right now I just want to curl up in a corner and hibernate. I've become totally isolated over the years, I've no friends or family to confide in. It's hard to motivate myself to do anything. Thanks for reading

Kirnsy

i also read that thread and would echo what the general consensus.

please walk away. it is clearly impacting awfully negatively on your life.
you sound unhappy and broken hearted. DO NOT GIVE UP.

you deserve more than to feel this way. your children when they grow up will agree with what you should do.
obviously more details are needed to judge if anything can be salvaged from your relationship but your opening post seems so downbeat that walking away(if even for a period of time) seems the most viable option.

can you give more details on your current situation.

**Caroline**

I really feel for you! It was so sad to read your post!

You need to get out of this abusive situation. It's not going to be easy after so many years to turn your position around, but it will definitely be worth it when you get there in the end!;)

It is going to take some time to regain your confidence and self-worth. You may need to talk to somebody (professionally perhaps) who understands your situation and can give you guidance and support.:)

The relationship is a separate issue and your information is quite vague but you need to find it in youself to have the strength to walk away. Deep down, you know what the right thing to do is, however scary it may seem at this moment in time.

You need to do what's best for yourself now. Your kids are reliant on you and that's why it's so important that you regain your confidence and have the courage & independance to do everything necessary to make your life & circumstances better.

It must be so hard to not have family or friends to turn to but there's always internet forums , phone helplines, counsellers etc. who are willing to listen and give advice.

And hopefully then you can start to rebuild your life; take up hobbies or a course maybe, meet new people down the line which will be inevitable when you're getting out there, and even using the internet as a tool for socialising!! But you desparately need to concentrate on (and address) the two main problems first: 1) The relationship and 2) Your psychological issues that result from years of mental abuse.

Hope this has helped in some way. I'm by no means a professional but that's the advice I'd give to a friend or family member if they were to come to me in this situation.

Blue196

Thanks Caroline and Kirnsy for replying, I usually post under a different name so I don't have enough posts on this name to be able to give you "thanks"
I think that deep down I know that what you're both saying about me having to leave is right and if I heard my story from someone else I'd give the same advice.
I wish I could post the exact problem but I'm afraid that he'll come across it as I know he reads boards and will recognise himself.
But I suppose the bottom line is that the fragile bond of trust is gone, for years I believed that everything that was wrong was my fault, I now know it wasn't but my self esteem is at such a low ebb I'm finding it impossible to motivate myself to do anything.
The thought of spending the rest of my life like this horrifies me but the fear of changing things is so great too.

Thoushaltnot

Right.
www.womensaid.ie - they even advise you how to hide the fact that you've been checking out your options online. And they do get that abuse doesn't have to involve fists and bruises.
Freephone 1800 341 900.

Though, I'm tempted to tell you to tell all on boards.ie. Sure, he'll be angry if he reads it and recognizes himself and naturally, it'll all be "your fault" in his head
...but he'll see the replies and know that you've read them too.

This is not a good environment for your children, either. Children pick up so much, no matter how much you think you protect them, so bear that in mind if the fear of splitting up the family is holding you back.

And this is going to sound odd, but start collecting "proof" - maybe keep an abuse diary, somewhere safe and printout notes, emails, photocopy dodgy receipts. You may not have any confidence in fighting your corner now but later on, it'll help. I'm guessing that lots of people think he's a great fella but he may have proactively blackened your name to people who don't know you from Adam. That seems to be the way of it. Printouts and records can save you further on down the line.

Best of Luck and keep us posted, eh?

barbiegirl

Hi OP
Just to say I nearly went down your route, but saw it in time, and thankfully dumped his ass :-)
Really when you look at it ask yourself
This time next year do you want to be in the same place, or ten years, or twenty? You could have another 40-50 years in you, is this what you want?
You have children, how will you feel when either they allow themselves to be treated in the same way (girls) or treat their wives in the same manner? You are teaching them that this is normal.
Contact the help organisations mentioned earlier and keep posting here and you will get all the encouragement and listening you need.
As to old friends and family, I've found that when you reach out, you'd be surprised at who is only waiting to hear from you.
Best of luck and many virtual hugs