In an absolute mess

LegacyUser

Hi there..

Just to give a little update to a situation I had a while back. I recently posted a thread called "So let down". Basically my mam died 3 weeks ago, my OH of 3 years is in Austrailia and despite his brother offering to pay for his flights to be back for the funeral & to lend me some support he didnt bother because he didnt want to lose his job.

I was really upset and angry about the whole thing (still am tbh) and felt like well if he can not be here for me during the most difficult time in my life, is he going to be here for me through anything - namely much smaller things that arent even important - losing a job, getting sick etc.

Anyway so 3 days ago, Im out and I get really drunk because I am so sad about my mam and the bf situation and my head is so melted and a old friend that I havent seen for years happens to be in the pub. We get chatting all night and we kissed. I think it was that I am so emotionally confused at the moment and I really just craved affection and for somebody to be there for me etc.

The following day I rang my OH and told him exactly what happened. He does not know the chap and would never have found out but I wanted to be honest and let him know what happened. He was really hurt and asked if I had done this to get back at him and to hurt him. I dont know if I did I cant answer that. But he forgave me and still wants to be with me and still wants me to follow him over to Austrailia.

Anyway, I called the other guy and said I am in love with my OH and I am sorry for what happened it was a huge mistake and I am really confused and he was really nice about it and said ok. I think he liked me maybe, and would have liked to see me again.

Now I am in a situation where I am so so confused and messed up in the head. On one hand I feel bad about what I did to my OH - I do love him, I do want to get past this and I do want to make things work between us. Which is why I would like to go over to Austrailia asap to try and get our relationship back on track but I also dont know if I am emotionally strong enough to go over there yet (on my own) to him and his friends. None of my friends are in a position to go. My worst nightmare would be going too soon and regretting going over because I am still grieving and I would have no support bar from him.

On another hand I am still really angry because I do feel he let me down monumentally. The other guy is a great guy who would actually lend me support, who is in the country, and who seems to like me. Some of my friends think I am crazy to have told this other guy to back off when they feel like I should have broken up with my OH.

Such a mess and so confused. Could anybody shed some light for me please?

amybabes

hi there,

i am in a very similar situation to urself, didnt want to post what i had 2 say to u publicly!
pm me and we could have a chat...

shinny

Honestly, I think it's pretty awful that he didn't come home when your Mum died. That speaks a lot to me. Clearly you are very upset about losing your Mum, but this didn't seem enough for your b/f to come back for the funeral. Pretty selfish, imo.

I think you know the answer yourself. You've already said it. If he's not there for the big things, will he be there for the small things? I doubt it.

I also don't think going straight into another relationship is going to help either. You're very vulerable at the moment, having lost your Mum, so I think it's best you surround yourself with Family and Friends.

I was going to suggest talking to your boyfriend about how you felt when he didn't come back for you Mum's funeral. However, I actually don't think it's necessary. If someone needs to be told that then I doubt they'll ever get it. I can't imagine leaving my oh on his own if either of his parents died. I just wouldn't do it.

CathyMoran

Personally, I think that what your OH did was terrible, and yes, I would be scared about going to Australia to be with him and sort things out. However even the best people make mistakes (as he did). I think that the other person is a red herring at the moment - you are still emotionally raw from your recent terrible bereavment - as a rule I think that it is unwise to make major decisions about your future during major life trauma (except serious personal illness but that is another story). Could you not just say to both parties that you are seriously hurt at the moment and need some time out but would appreciate their support?

username123

Hi OP,
I remember your original thread.

I thought your BF not coming home to support you was terrible form of him tbh.

You are in a very fragile emotional state right now (and who wouldnt be), the loss of your mum and then the lack of support of your BF must have hit you very hard. I dont think now is the time to be making any life changing decisions.

If you go to Australia and meet him with all his friends etc while he has already had time to settle in there you will be at a disadvantage and considering that he has already let you down on a big thing I dont know how much support you can realistically expect from him. You may end up feeling a bit lost and lonely while he has all his friends there and an established way of life in place and if he doesnt support you during that you will be without your own friends and family so it will be even harder for you. Im not saying he will just leave you there, but just on whats been posted it would appear that he doesnt have your best interests as his priority.

The other guy probably was just an emotional reaction from you, I wouldnt be viewing him as a possible relationship either, but I am glad that he was so nice to you about things.

I cant remember if I said this on your last thread, but if you had a friend to go to australia with you (I know you have your ticket bought), you would be in a better position. Actually I believe a change of scene and a new adventure would probably be helpful to you in getting over your mothers death, but I would just worry that you will be leaving one emotional situation to go to another one with your BF and that if things dont work out that that it might have a very bad effect on you given what you have just been through. Whereas if you had a friend who was there for you at least youd have someone in your corner so to speak.

There is an enormous amount of pressure on couples where one is in another country and another follows over to them. I have seen this exact thing with some friends of my own and not all of the relationships worked out. I also did it myself many years ago and my relationship died a death in a different country also. Its different if both have their own separate friends over there. But for one to follow alone put enormous pressure on for things to work out and can put the person already there in a position where they feel trapped by the arrival of their other half and over responsible for them - which can serve to push them apart.

So just be aware of all of that - there is a large degree of hurt coming with you and you dont want to be stuck in a far off land hurting but not wanting to bring things up in case it causes problems etc.... you know yourself.

I think youd be wise to wait a while before making any major decisions anyway. Just to give you time to grieve and be supported by family and friends.

Look after yourself.

That_Guy

That was a pretty selfish thing your OH did. A job is a job. It's not important. In fact when there's much bigger issues around it's an insignificant little thing.

If he lost his job then fair enough. There's always another one out there somewhere. I'm sure where he worked would have understood the situation so that's no excuse.

As for your mam I'm really sorry to hear about that and I hope you're alright. Losing somebody is very difficult especially when it's someone so close. I hope you've a good circle of friends around you to give you all of the support you need.

Kissing another guy is non excusable especially if you're already with someone and if there's alcohol involved.
To be fair at least you told your OH about it and he forgave you.

You say you love him but I'd have to question as to whether he loves you. It seems to me that he doesn't. If he did he would be with you right now giving you every ounce of support you need.

I know you've been together three years but I think you should seriously look at your situation with him. I really hope you make the right decision here.