Losing the physical attraction

peepeep

Hi,

Haven't really used boards.ie much before but would like some anonymous and impartial advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and we are very much in love. When we first met he was a semi-professional athlete and was very fit and healthy. In the last year or so we both got a bit lazy and put on a little weight. I have got my motivation back in the last few months and am fit and active again. My boyfriend, however, seems to still be piling on the pounds and has grown himself quite a big belly. He is open to suggestions of going walking and running together but his diet is terrible and he doesn't seem bothered by his weight gain.

BUT I find it bothering me, mostly when we're in bed together. It doesn't make me love him any less but it makes me less physically attracted to him and less desiring of intimacy. Is there a gentle and non-confrontational way in which I can approach him to talk about the issue, without him feeling upset or insulted? As I said, I love him very much and don't want him to feel bad, but this is an issue for me and I'd like to sort it.

Any advice or sugggestions welcomed. Thanks guys.

RacoonQueen

I think the best way to deal with it, without mentioning it to him is to ask him to go running/to the gym with you as you'd like company and say you want to clean your own diet up to help you lose weight/maximise your own results and see if he follows suit or just ask him to eat the same stuff as you for 'support'

StormWarrior

Could he be depressed? It could be a reason why a previously body-conscious person would let themselves go so much.

I think you should just gently tell him the truth. It's better than him becoming more and more unattractive to you until you just don't want to be with him at all.

I actually had the same problem with an ex-boyfriend and none of my gentle hints to get him down the gym or to improve his diet made any impression. Eventually he became so out of shape that instead of fancying him I was sickened by him.

Queen-Mise

Don't say a word whatever you do. That kind of stuff destroys the basis of a relationship. Going from the other side a man telling/asking a woman to lose weight is an absolute no-no.

Keep doing what you are doing, enjoy it, and it may start looking attractive to him. He may be going through a lazy phase and come out of it himself, allow him to enjoy it.

One other point, if you love him, it really shouldn't matter. If it does - it is conditional love. Are women loved any less when they are 8 1/2 months pregnant (and no its not any different), or if he was on steroids for a few months for health reasons and he had put on weight. Maybe he may have broken a leg and the weight would have crept on.

The weight is an issue for you, not him.

TheZohanS

When he gets older and goes bald will you insist that he gets hairplants because he loses his hair? When he gets old and wrinkly will you insist on him getting cosmetic surgery?

Your post comes across as very shallow OP. You need to acept your b/f for how he is. It's not as if he is an alcoholic or has a drug problem.

You want him to lose weight for the wrong reasons.

biko

Suggest you do sports together and make it a routine thing a few times/week.

star-pants

TBH I don't find it that shallow, it's just less discussed amongst people because it's believed to be shallow.

We all have our views of what's attractive and what's not. If you fall for someone who has a certain personality and that changes dramatically, affecting your relationship is that any different? She's concerned for her partners lack of caring about his weight, especially given that he used to be rather active. And she's being honest that it affects how she feels about him. I don't think it can be compared to being pregnant, having a baby is a relatively set term on how big the woman will be and it's for a reason.

OP I suggest you invite him along for company, or suggest a dance class together. Or maybe if you're making the dinner, make something very healthy and say you're trying some new recipies. See if any of that helps first.

Monkey61

I agree that I don't think the OP is being shallow at all.

In this case not only is the weight gain unattractive but also the associated traits that it represents ie. Laziness, lack of motivation.

It is a difficult one to bring up as he obviously notices his weight gain himself and seems to not be bothered. You will have to do something though as it doesn't look like he is going to do anything himself.

Is there anyway you could turn getting fit into some kind of fun challenge/ competition for the two of you? Sign up for a 10k run and have a prize for who can improve their time the most - there's nothing like a bit of healthy competition to get people motivated. Whoever loses could have to pay for a weekend away or something. Or is there any mixed sports teams that you could both join and work really hard to impress each other?

Mr. Incognito

The weight is an issue for you, not him.

That is ridiculous. We're human. Human's are shallow. Love is not unconditional. What if he stopped bathing or brushing his teeth. Should we be allowed to be disgusting because our our half have to love us unconditionally, No way.

I put on a bit of weight when my old man died and about a year and a half ago took up going to the gym. I'm a lot healthier, and happier and yes, I look much better. It's important to stay healthy. Not just because out other half appreciates it but for our own self worth and health too.

I wouldn't approach it from the, "you're looking fat and I'm losing my physical attraction" angle. I'd go the whole, "darling, your diet is crap and you're going to die honkie, here's a gym membership. You and I is going together. If he is going to the gym to keep you happy it won't work. You have to make him want to go to keep HIM happy. After he's going a few weeks compliment him. As you get into the health buzz diet will come.

gogglebok

To criticise the OP for shallowness seems desperately unfair. The diminishing attraction to his/her a partner is a fact. Is s/he supposed to lie about it? Hope that it goes away?

OP, I agree with Mr Incognito's tip, that you should suggest he start exercising for health reasons. A joint project of healthy cooking might help too. You could get a lot done by phrasing it as a favour to you. "I'm trying to get my fitness back, and I find it really difficult when the house is festooned with cheeseburgers. Any chance we could cook some pasta instead?"

If that doesn't work, I really don't see what the problem is with telling the truth. "Being fit suits you really well, and I think you're in danger of falling away from your peak a little. Why don't you cut back on the kebabs and join me in the gym a few times?"

I have no doubt from your post that you will find a sensitive way to say it, if saying it becomes necessary.

G-Money

All I would say is to handle this delicately.

Also, bear in mind if the roles were reversed and he was the skinny one and you were the one carrying the extra weight, would you honestly expect him to still fancy you as much? If the answer is yes, you are kind of setting a double standard. If the answer is no, fair enough. But just don't say that as it suits your current situation.

LegacyUser

Or you could do what my GF did when i got lazy and started putting on weight, as i can from the kitchen with a bar in hand she said "Don't eat that your getting fat". I was insulted and it was quite brutal but it was also extremly honest and i secretly knew i was. It was the kick in the arse i need to cop on.

Ann22

TheZohan wrote: »

When he gets older and goes bald will you insist that he gets hairplants because he loses his hair? When he gets old and wrinkly will you insist on him getting cosmetic surgery?

Your post comes across as very shallow OP. You need to acept your b/f for how he is. It's not as if he is an alcoholic or has a drug problem.

You want him to lose weight for the wrong reasons.

She's not being shallow. Getting old can't be helped or going bald..plastic surgery is extreme...but to lose interest in your health and appearance is a bit selfish while it's clear your partner is working hard at it. I'd imagine the op's revulsion is partly due to resentment...the fact that he doesn't care enough about their physical relationship to make the effort.