Help needed - he wants to end things.

LegacyUser

Hi there,



This is my first time posting on boards but I’m pretty desperate for some advice and just want some opinions on what to do…

My story is that I’m 29, and have been in a few relationships over the years. I was let down pretty badly by a guy when I was in early 20s, but got over it. My last three relationships only lasted two or three months, and each time I’ve been the one who’s been “dumped” but it’s been subtler than that…sometimes It’s been me to call the Dump card but only because I’ve been literally forced into that position due to phone-calls going unanswered, genuine disinterest from the guy etc.



It’s happened again this week, and I’m devastated. I really really liked this guy, and while I didn’t think it was an ideal relationship because he works abroad a couple of days a week, I thought we could work through that going forward. I was trying to give him space, yet obviously I showed how interested in him by not playing it too cool.



Instead, the same thing happened. He was all over me for two months, and didn’t want to know then the last couple of weeks.

Now, I know that it’s his prerogative to want to end things (but disagree with his methods). But my biggest problem is, that I actually cannot go through another breakup. I’m heartbroken. I thought this was going to be 'The One' and we were loosely making arrangements for trips away this summer. But now he's too busy to even talk to me, and has alluded to the fact that he doesn't think he's in a great place for a relationship- but hasn't confirmed this. Haven't heard from him in days bar the odd brief text.



I seriously think that this is something I’m doing wrong here. with each relationship I’ve had a great sex life, and have had sex fairly early with the guy (a week in) and I know for a fact they were happy too- no problems there.



I have a great job, am studying a masters at night, have my own home, am pretty, nice figure, great friends, active social life. I don’t mean to brag about these issues- just know that you need to know these facts before giving advice.



What makes matters worse is, three of my friends are getting married in the next year, and I am feeling so low thinking that will never happen for me. I find it hard to take their advice, as they're not in the same position as me.



What am I doing wrong?

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

My last three relationships only lasted two or three months, and each time I’ve been the one who’s been “dumped” ... with each relationship I’ve had a great sex life, and have had sex fairly early with the guy (a week in)

If you've tried doing things a certain way and it hasn't worked out, change your approach ... if you know what I mean.

ellie1

I have a great job, am studying a masters at night, have my own home, am pretty, nice figure, great friends, active social life. I don’t mean to brag about these issues- just know that you need to know these facts before giving advice.



What makes matters worse is, three of my friends are getting married in the next year, and I am feeling so low thinking that will never happen for me. I find it hard to take their advice, as they're not in the same position as me.



What am I doing wrong?

[/QUOTE]

I think you are spending too much time looking for "the one" as you said. it would seem that your whole focus is on getting a relationship and getting married. I dont mean to sound harsh but your post comes across as quite "desperate". And thats what you are doing wrong.

Forget about this latest guy. Do not text him again. Ever.

I know you say you have an active social life. Concentrate on making it a fantastic social life. See friends and family. Get a new hobby. Travel. Do all the things you can do while single. Go on dates, meet men but STOP thinking every man you meet is the one or coould be the one. Even forget about men for a while.

You sound envious of your friends who are getting married. Everybody is at different stages in there lifes. You dont have to be married by 30 or have children at a certain time.

Talk to honest friends about how you are feeling and ask for honest blunt advice.

domcq

It can be tough when things don't work out. It sounds like you have a good life though, so stop worrying about finding "the one" and enjoy it.

Getting married isn't the end goal in life, though I know it can feel like that, the older we get. Hope things improve for you.

Millie

ellie1 wrote: »

I think you are spending too much time looking for "the one" as you said. it would seem that your whole focus is on getting a relationship and getting married. I dont mean to sound harsh but your post comes across as quite "desperate". And thats what you are doing wrong.

Forget about this latest guy. Do not text him again. Ever.

I know you say you have an active social life. Concentrate on making it a fantastic social life. See friends and family. Get a new hobby. Travel. Do all the things you can do while single. Go on dates, meet men but STOP thinking every man you meet is the one or coould be the one. Even forget about men for a while.

You sound envious of your friends who are getting married. Everybody is at different stages in there lifes. You dont have to be married by 30 or have children at a certain time.

Talk to honest friends about how you are feeling and ask for honest blunt advice.

On the button!

LegacyUser

ellie1 wrote: »

I think you are spending too much time looking for "the one" as you said. it would seem that your whole focus is on getting a relationship and getting married. I dont mean to sound harsh but your post comes across as quite "desperate". And thats what you are doing wrong.

Forget about this latest guy. Do not text him again. Ever.

I know you say you have an active social life. Concentrate on making it a fantastic social life. See friends and family. Get a new hobby. Travel. Do all the things you can do while single. Go on dates, meet men but STOP thinking every man you meet is the one or coould be the one. Even forget about men for a while.

You sound envious of your friends who are getting married. Everybody is at different stages in there lifes. You dont have to be married by 30 or have children at a certain time.

Talk to honest friends about how you are feeling and ask for honest blunt advice.

+1.


I think you could be scaring guys apart. You're worried that your falling behind in life when you really need to relax. Cest la vie.

Femelade

Unregistered wrote: »

I seriously think that this is something I’m doing wrong here. with each relationship I’ve had a great sex life, and have had sex fairly early with the guy (a week in) and I know for a fact they were happy too- no problems there.

There's your probelm right there...
Why do you feel the need to have sex with them so early on in a relationship, is it even a relationship at that stage?
Of course they are happy to have sex with you a week in...but it doesnt leave anything to the imagination in the relationship, nothing to build up to...a time that can be very exciting in a relationship.

I was in the same situation as you OP, could never hold down a boyfriend for more than a few months. Then i met this guy i had faniced out, ended up with him after weeks of flirting..and we ended up in bed together on that first night, but we didnt have sex, just kisses and cuddles. chatted loads and got to know eachother well, not to say he didnt try to have sex, but i told him no.
we had sex on our 2 month anniversary, it was very exciting, but we were very happy we waited....he even told me that even though he really wanted to do it that first night, he wouldnt have had much repect for me if i had put out so early to a guy i barely knew.

so the next time you meet a guy, dont jump into bed with him in the first week, get to know him first, and let him get to know you....dont let it be about sex, there's so much more to a relationship.

PCPhoto

OP .... firstly ... let the guy go....if he's not interested in a relationship and using work as an excuse then thats his way of dealing with it, its also possible that he might be up the walls/under pressure with work, but your message seems to say he's "hinting" that he's not in a position to hold a stable relationship at the same time......anyway.

secondly - where do you meet these guys ? Pub/Club ? ..... try something different sports clubs, gym, hang out with friends , travel a bit...enjoy life you dont always NEED a man.... theres always "BOB".....lol

I'm a guy .... who recently turned 30 and have most of my friends in stable relationships/marriages.... so I'm kinda in the same situation.

Dont bother analysing your previous relationships trying to find out what went wrong - those guys were not right for you - as another boardsie said try to make the most of your freedom - go travelling, meet up with friends/family....above all do what makes you happy !! :):D

sometimes sleeping with someone straight away can mean that the relationship ends just as fast - sometimes not sleeping with someone will be the cause of the person moving on (it happened to me) ..... for me its about enjoying the company of the other person.

suppose all that I'm doing is reinforcing what others have said : enjoy your single life, spend time with family/friends, travel - take it easy..... if you crave a relationship - move things slowly.

PS. BOB = Battery Operated Boyfriend

John Mason

your post comes across as desperate an clingy

you dont want this guy to dump you, because you can bear it. so what? you would rather stay with some one who has no interest in you rather then being independant

you need to relax and stop looking for the one. just enjoy your life, men are everything, despite what they think

thescruff

Femelade wrote: »

There's your probelm right there...
Why do you feel the need to have sex with them so early on in a relationship, is it even a relationship at that stage?
Of course they are happy to have sex with you a week in...but it doesnt leave anything to the imagination in the relationship, nothing to build up to...a time that can be very exciting in a relationship.

I was in the same situation as you OP, could never hold down a boyfriend for more than a few months. Then i met this guy i had faniced out, ended up with him after weeks of flirting..and we ended up in bed together on that first night, but we didnt have sex, just kisses and cuddles. chatted loads and got to know eachother well, not to say he didnt try to have sex, but i told him no.
we had sex on our 2 month anniversary, it was very exciting, but we were very happy we waited....he even told me that even though he really wanted to do it that first night, he wouldnt have had much repect for me if i had put out so early to a guy i barely knew.

so the next time you meet a guy, dont jump into bed with him in the first week, get to know him first, and let him get to know you....dont let it be about sex, there's so much more to a relationship.

Right on femlade. OP You're scaring the lads off trying to bed them so early.
Sounds like 'whats ur name heres ur condome where's ur hurry'
Make them want you...no sex 'till we're married...c how that works...change your tune...slow on d sex fast on enjoying what u do...holiday...volunteer overseas...take career break....can u change job career...marriage happens....it's not a career move like ticking off boxes...perhaps i'm talkin through where the sun don't shine..but yez'll all tell me anyways!!!!

LegacyUser

Slow down on the sex, yes.

But don't be too hard on yourself either. Its quite possible that you're not doing anything wrong, the guys you've met just aren't for you.

You still have loads of time to meet someone.

Don't bother chasing this guy.