How do I know if its right to end our relationship?

LegacyUser

scenario: both mid thirties, living together with our five year old. B/fs nine year old used to stay most weekends but for family reasons on his exes side, is now staying with us and going to the exes at weekends.this has been the case for past two years. his ex is seeing a foreign guy and actively looking at emigrating minus said 9 yr old, as child is settled at school and has a (half) sibling, friends, etc,so i now have two kids to mind.
I work full time, as does b/f and am constantly-like most people up against the clock for collecting from childminders, catching up on housework, shopping -the usual stuff.
Problem:B/f is very laid back, some would say lazy on the domestic front. I do all the housework/laundry as he can live in slobville whereas i cannot. thats my choice to do it all i know.We jointly pay the mortgage -half and half although he earns twice what i earn,and have a direct debit account where we each pay the same amount for bills etc every month.
If we go out as a couple, sometimes i pay, sometimes he pays. its always been that way with us, and i never noticed until my family and a friend or two commented that they thought he was a bit 'scabby'. he is a very gentle nice guy, would never cheat on me and none of us is perfect.
I have had 'the chat'about taking on more jobs around the house, maybe getting up to get the kids brekkie so i could have a lie in one morning that kind of thing, but the good behaviour fizzles out after a week or so.The more I think of it i worry it is a business arrangement we have.. and not real love or caring,that other couple within my circle have. i find myself worrying and watching other couples to see how they run their lives and its making me anxious.i pay my own tax, insurance on my car.any major thing we do to the house we jointly write a cheque for,i notice that perhaps i always am first to pay at the pictures or a meal out, but to be fair he does pay aswell.he never forgets valentines or my birthday,its the everyday stuff.
his exes family is a lost cause, the ones that arent dysfunctional tell the 9 yr old i have no authority over them and they dont have to do what i say, in regards tidying their room that kind of thing..they make comments about the clothes i have dressed the child in, or did i not cut their nails, or dont like the haircut ertc. My b/f has had it out with them over it but its not worth the effort tbh..think of the family from 'shameless'.the kid is okay, we rub along together well but i do find them sullen and cheeky, but their heads are being turned by adults who should know better, i am angry with them, not the kid.but my confidence is being eroded by it .

i'm just so tired been to the doc who said i have a bit od depression, and find some time for myself, am on anti depressents two months now, and am tapering them down slowly.i dont feel like having sex with him lately and we used to be three times a week on average-more on hols. which is causing major rift( over two months now.)the reason being he leaves the bathroom a disgusting mess and it grosses me out,snores soooo loudly and smokes 20 a day now, he was off them up till a year ago, and his breath is bad, and i hate smoking so much..but he is good in that he doesnt do it in the house, but the 5 year old mimics him smoking with lollipop sticks and its yuk.i dont feel much like getting romantic and re reading all this i realise i sound petty and horrible. he has good qualities, loves our child and our child loves him back, but its not feeling cherished and special and loved that i miss.. we had a heart to heart last night and i cried for two hours becuse i feel so bad for freezing him out, he says hes afriad he is losing me, and i think he is right- and am scared that it is the end..i dont just have myself to think of, i wish i had that luxury..but how do you know if and when its the end? what are justifiable reasons? can you fall out of love with no obvious cause like adultery ? there is no third party involved..i'm just so tired and would financially be in exactly the same position if i got my share of our house moved out of the city -a bit nearer to work, as i pay half of everuything as it is.just dont know what i'm doing there really.. sorry for long post-wanted you to get a fair picture, please please help.

BubbleWrap85

I don't think am going to be of much help, but I felt I had to reply:

To answer one of your questions, yes I do believe it's possible just to fall out of love with someone for no apparent reason like adultery. People change. Situations change. It's not fair that you're expected to do all the housework and jobs, and yes you said it's your choice as you cannot live with a mess but he should realise how important this is to you and make a genuine effort.

Regards the poor hygiene/lack of sex, I think it's a common thing in older [Irish] men that they don't need to put in any effort to keep their OH happy. My Dad is one of those men. The truth is, there DOES need to be an effort made, from both parties involved. I'm no experienced/wise person, but I do know that relationships are hard work, and require hard work from both people!

It's also very difficult when you're being put down by the exes family. Often you're right; there's no point "having it out" with them as it's water off a duck's back. You need to do your best for the childs [and your OH's] sake and ignore the rest. There will always be people in this world who badmouth others, and dismiss any effort they make. Ignore them.

Your bf needs to realise he NEEDS to make an effort, both with the housework, with his treatment of you, and with himself. As relationships pass through times, often the spark disappears. You need to find the special qualities in each other that made you fall in love in the first place.

Sadly of course, relationships can sometimes run their course. I believe they deserve a damn good attempt at being saved before it comes to that however. Explain to your bf the issues. Don't get angry, and don't explain these issues in an argument. Calmly sit him down and talk. See if he can make a few changes. If not, then maybe you've answered your own thread....

Stheno

Unregistered wrote: »

Problem:B/f is very laid back, some would say lazy on the domestic front. I do all the housework/laundry as he can live in slobville whereas i cannot. thats my choice to do it all i know.We jointly pay the mortgage -half and half although he earns twice what i earn,and have a direct debit account where we each pay the same amount for bills etc every month.
If we go out as a couple, sometimes i pay, sometimes he pays. its always been that way with us, and i never noticed until my family and a friend or two commented that they thought he was a bit 'scabby'. he is a very gentle nice guy, would never cheat on me and none of us is perfect.

Why do what your family/friends say matter so much to you? Is it in the context that you are paying what he pays in terms of joint bills whilst he pays more?

I have had 'the chat'about taking on more jobs around the house, maybe getting up to get the kids brekkie so i could have a lie in one morning that kind of thing, but the good behaviour fizzles out after a week or so.The more I think of it i worry it is a business arrangement we have.. and not real love or caring,that other couple within my circle have.

Then you need to sit down and really talk about things and how much they affect you, go to counselling if necessary to figure out if your relationship has a future tbh.

i find myself worrying and watching other couples to see how they run their lives and its making me anxious.i pay my own tax, insurance on my car.any major thing we do to the house we jointly write a cheque for,i notice that perhaps i always am first to pay at the pictures or a meal out, but to be fair he does pay aswell.he never forgets valentines or my birthday,its the everyday stuff.

This is the second time that you mention both other people's lives/perceptions and money in the same paragraph, is there a fundamental issue here in relation to money and that you feel it's unfair you pay what he does given the income gap you have?

his exes family is a lost cause, the ones that arent dysfunctional tell the 9 yr old i have no authority over them and they dont have to do what i say, in regards tidying their room that kind of thing..they make comments about the clothes i have dressed the child in, or did i not cut their nails, or dont like the haircut ertc. My b/f has had it out with them over it but its not worth the effort tbh..think of the family from 'shameless'.the kid is okay, we rub along together well but i do find them sullen and cheeky, but their heads are being turned by adults who should know better, i am angry with them, not the kid.but my confidence is being eroded by it .

His children by his ex and his ex's family, whilst they may be a fundamental part of the "package" that came with him, are not imo something you should ever hope to have any say/control over.

i'm just so tired been to the doc who said i have a bit od depression, and find some time for myself, am on anti depressents two months now, and am tapering them down slowly.i dont feel like having sex with him lately and we used to be three times a week on average-more on hols. which is causing major rift( over two months now.)the reason being he leaves the bathroom a disgusting mess and it grosses me out,snores soooo loudly and smokes 20 a day now, he was off them up till a year ago, and his breath is bad, and i hate smoking so much..but he is good in that he doesnt do it in the house, but the 5 year old mimics him smoking with lollipop sticks and its yuk.i dont feel much like getting romantic and re reading all this i realise i sound petty and horrible. he has good qualities, loves our child and our child loves him back, but its not feeling cherished and special and loved that i miss.. we had a heart to heart last night and i cried for two hours becuse i feel so bad for freezing him out, he says hes afriad he is losing me, and i think he is right- and am scared that it is the end..i dont just have myself to think of, i wish i had that luxury..but how do you know if and when its the end? what are justifiable reasons? can you fall out of love with no obvious cause like adultery ? there is no third party involved..i'm just so tired and would financially be in exactly the same position if i got my share of our house moved out of the city -a bit nearer to work, as i pay half of everuything as it is.just dont know what i'm doing there really.. sorry for long post-wanted you to get a fair picture, please please help.

First off take care of you, take your doctors advice and hopefully the antidepressants will help you.

Secondly have a really honest chat with your partner and if you can, suggest that you perhaps go to counselling, it might well be very very worth it.

As for falling out of love with no reason like adultery, yes it does happen for many reasons.

Good luck, take a look at your relationship holistically, and if you can suggest counselling, it may well help you guys hugely, there is your five year old to think of if nothing more. Not that I am suggesting you stay so your five year old has a dad, but contrary to your last point, whilst you might be the same financially there is a very young and vulnerable third person who may well be impacted here. When you talk to your bf, you need to discuss everything, from his bad breath and poor hygiene, to your poor sex life, issues with financial matters, his children from his previous relationship etc etc so as to try and endeavour for you both to be on a level playing field.

LegacyUser

OP here. thanks to you both so far, i have thought very hard about what EXACTLY it is that is wrong, and i think its this. i got into a relationship with b/f and prepared to have his child over in our house at weekends etc and the rest of the week it was just the three of us.now, i suppose i'm feeling taken advantage of, the'blood' family of the child, as opposed to me have washed their hands more or less as she lives with us all the time now, i still work 35 hrs a week in a job that pays badly-(retail, but i have to drop kids to school first and not many jobs allow you to clock in at 9.30) i am doing 4 peoples laundry, shopping, cleaning and still paying half for everything..i know i have assertiveness issues but it doesnt seem fair to me, and i question exactly what it is i am doing here..some couples-like my sis and her b/f go half on everything as they get paid the same and have no kids, but he also does half the house work and all that goes with living with someone..when they are out together i see that he minds her, making sure she has a drink, taking her coat all that..my b/f doesnt.my b'f would happily spend the night on online poker while i scrub the bath, do the ironing, get kids uniforms ready and then expect me to jump on him in bed..i cannot fake the sex thing-either i'm into it or not..and he says 'he isnt going to remain celibate forever', but he wouldnt cheat, i think he means he knows we are in trouble.
it boils down to the fact that i dont feel loved(tho he says he does), feel a bit of a slave, and if i wasnt working outside the home-like my mother years ago, i would have no problem considering the house/kids my 'job' and we would live off my b'fs wage, but it seems i have to do both roles and am turning into a drudge while everyone is happy tp let me do it
i cannot seem to change his attitude for more than a week,and am consumed with guilt that i would willingly walk away for something as seemingly trivial as this..god i dont know..

ellie1

Op,
I feel really sad for you and hope you are okay. It seems to me that if he shared the household workload that this would make all the difference. I think some form of counselling for both of you may work. You have taken on an extra responsibility of a child and this is very difficult. Although this child may seem sullen now , someday she will recognise all you are doing for her and as you recognise already it is not her fault. I really hope you work it all out.

LegacyUser

OP I dont mean to be hard on you but you keep mentioning other peoples relationships. Nobodyt has the perfect relationship. All couples go through rough patches. If you keep comparing your relation ship to other peoples you will always fail. People might be very nice to each other in publilc and not very nice at home. We just don't know what goes on in anyones relationship so we should never judge ours by theirs.

I think you should sit down with your OH and explain how you are feeling. Why not suggest you draw up a rota for the next month of who will do what. Then each day when he is around look to the rota to see what you are down for and just do that. He will begin to follow and soon you wont need a rota.

With regards the money. If this is a big issue for him say it to him. Tell him you are finding it hard financially to pay your half and could he up his contribution a little.

With regards the kids. One is yours you need to pay for this child look after it bring and collect it etc.. you and him both share this responsibility make it clear to him that he does his share. If he cannot do the collecting and dropping off he can do the baths or the meals?? While trhe other child is not yours you took this man on and with him came this child. If you have both agreed to bring him up together then you do have authourity over the child but with that comes the responsibility and you should treat the child as your own.

If the child is cheeky your OH needs to support you on this.

When it comes to the relationship only you can decide if this is what you want.

bluecell99

So,do you end the relationship?Well perhaps it already has ended at one level?Have you already decided, do you think?

At times like this we look for validation from others and hope against hope that something will change and pull us back from the brink.But some things are not reversible.Yes,its always difficult when underage children are involved.But what about you?Do you really want to go on indefinitely in an unhappy frame of mind ,filled with doubts and days of despair.

Becaus thats what you are really asking - and you know the answer I reckon.

Sometimes things run their natural course.Including relationships.Such is life.When the sorrows outweigh the joys and you knowdeep down that he is not going to change then perhaps its time to set yourself free.

I am a big supporter of relationships and there is nothing better when they run well and people enhance their lives so much.

Equally I sometimes think of those who stayed and spent years and years of inner turmoil and anguish because society dictated you must stay together.

I know people now,men and women,who are in their declining years and regret not listening to the inner voices.People who only walked when the children became adults.Not easy I know for you.Sometimes life never is.

But at least you tried and did'nt walk away at the first sign of trouble.

Whatever happens you must look after yourself.You have One life.

LegacyUser

bluecell99 wrote: »

So,do you end the relationship?Well perhaps it already has ended at one level?Have you already decided, do you think?

At times like this we look for validation from others and hope against hope that something will change and pull us back from the brink.But some things are not reversible.Yes,its always difficult when underage children are involved.But what about you?Do you really want to go on indefinitely in an unhappy frame of mind ,filled with doubts and days of despair.

Becaus thats what you are really asking - and you know the answer I reckon.

Sometimes things run their natural course.Including relationships.Such is life.When the sorrows outweigh the joys and you knowdeep down that he is not going to change then perhaps its time to set yourself free.

I am a big supporter of relationships and there is nothing better when they run well and people enhance their lives so much.

Equally I sometimes think of those who stayed and spent years and years of inner turmoil and anguish because society dictated you must stay together.

I know people now,men and women,who are in their declining years and regret not listening to the inner voices.People who only walked when the children became adults.Not easy I know for you.Sometimes life never is.

But at least you tried and did'nt walk away at the first sign of trouble.

Whatever happens you must look after yourself.You have One life.

thanks ..and to you too ellie.havev spent the last hour just sobbing my heart out,but it helps more than you know that strangers can be so kind.x

username123

Hi OP,
I read this thread and my heart just goes out to you. I totally relate to where you are coming from - Im not in your position but my mam was and it sucked.

You ARE being taken advantage of, but partly why you are is because you have allowed it to get to this situation. Its an old cliche etc..but you get what you settle for. How did the pair of ye get stuck in the rut of you doing all the housework, cooking, kid minding and all that AND hold down a job?

Its not good enough that he would live in slobsville. My OH would live in a pigsty if left to it but I wont so I insist that he pulls his weight. And if he doesnt pull it hard enough I tell him quite seriously that I am not the maid and that we are two adults who both work full time and for me to do all the housework implies that he is somehow incapable of looking after things himself. He is an adult and I expect him to behave as such. I had a number of boundary setting rows about housework when he first moved in and although its not nice at the time its important to get the point across that these are the standards you expect and anything less is going to cause problems.

To stand back on the outside and look in at your story - it seems to me that you are sick and tired of the drudgery with no appreciation from him and he doesnt seem to care enough about you to fix things. Or else he doesnt take you seriously enough.

It is possible for relationships to run their courses - but it would be a shame to lose a good relationship because of a breakdown in communication over the housework. (Ill come to finances in a minute).

If he is amenable to a challenge and to see how it is for you why dont you ask him to swap roles for a week. Perhaps when he sees how hard it is he will start becoming more helpful? I think he has stopped noticing that you do everything because he is so used to it.

On finances. If you are living together and raising children together then the joint money earned should be divided equally. Or if you prefer to keep the money seperate then at least the higher earner should be paying for more. Simple as. Not only does he earn more but he expects you to work more - so thats just not on.

The best advice I can give you is this:
Talk to him, reason things out, explain what you want and need from him. Explain that if he doesnt shape up that you will be out of the relationship. Be clear but calm on that point. Tell him that previously he only improves for a week or so and thats no use to you. Then if he doesnt maintain a better side of the bargain tell him that he has been given a chance and now its time out for you.

Ultimately I want you to remember 1 very important thing. This aint no dress rehearsal, this is it, the live show, and you only get one shot at it. Dont throw your life away if you are unhappy. You are the only person with the power to change your own life.

Good luck OP - I hope it works out for you.