Dealing with wifes depression

fundub2002

hi just looking for some help advice here
my wife has suffered from depression at various times over the last 20 years it comes in a cycle getsover active and over involved running around all over the place new friends new interests then who totally down she is now in the pre depressed stage though she has thrown into the mix this time that i am the cause of her historic depression ( though she suffered depression before she met me ) and that she wants to separate .

any advice greatly appreciated

Das Kitty

fundub2002 wrote: »

hi just looking for some help advice here
my wife has suffered from depression at various times over the last 20 years it comes in a cycle getsover active and over involved running around all over the place new friends new interests then who totally down she is now in the pre depressed stage though she has thrown into the mix this time that i am the cause of her historic depression ( though she suffered depression before she met me ) and that she wants to separate .

any advice greatly appreciated

Gee OP that sounds really tough.

Your wife needs help of the professional sort for her depressive cycle. There's very little you can do if she won't accept this.

The only thing I can suggest is an intervention of sort with everyone who loves her to try to get her to see sense on this issue.

The only cause of depression is the person's own mind, so please don't start thinking she's right that you are the cause of it.

Hope it works out for you.

littlebitdull

try and get her to see your gp. perhaps go together. I am not sure how it would go if you went alone to the gp.

its sounds almost like bi-polar to me - a high before a low.

the doctor is the only really route here.

monellia

fundub2002 wrote: »

hi just looking for some help advice here
my wife has suffered from depression at various times over the last 20 years it comes in a cycle getsover active and over involved running around all over the place new friends new interests then who totally down she is now in the pre depressed stage though she has thrown into the mix this time that i am the cause of her historic depression ( though she suffered depression before she met me ) and that she wants to separate .

any advice greatly appreciated

Your wife may be prone to “manic episodes“. Sometimes, people who are clinically depressed tend to cope by “ignoring” their depression. They embrace any form of distraction, like new interests, new friends, anything that makes them feel temporarily happy. They are afraid to address their problems because they know that this means going back to being in a depressive state. Obviously distracting yourself from your problems wont make them go away, and your depression will inevitably come back to hit you twice as hard. It sounds like this may be the case with your wife.

Manic episodes can also result from “suppressing” depression. People who bottle up their depression are often afraid of opening up because they don’t want to be perceived as being ungrateful or petty. They usually have very low self-esteem, making them feel like they don’t deserve help. They feel guilty for being depressed. Bottling up your feelings like this eventually results in an outburst or a manic episode, where the depressed person will let out all the anger they subconsciously feel at “having” to suppress their depression.

But remember, just because your wife may be suffering doesn’t mean she is full of lies. While she may have been exaggerating when she said that you are the cause of her historic depression, she obviously said this for a reason, and maybe the two of ye need to get to the root of this. Ask her to open up to you about her depression - what triggers it? what goes through her mind when she is depressed? You should tell her what you’ve told us - that you’ve observed a pattern in her depressive behaviour and you feel victimised as a result of it.

It is important that she knows how much you care about her and hate to see her like this. Stress that your priority is to help her, and you’ll try to be as patient and as empathetic as you can in the process. Good luck.

Das Kitty

littlebitdull wrote: »

try and get her to see your gp. perhaps go together. I am not sure how it would go if you went alone to the gp.

its sounds almost like bi-polar to me - a high before a low.

the doctor is the only really route here.

You obviously don't know anyone who's bi-polar! Way way more extreme than this.

All depression is cyclical, you will have highs and lows, everyone experiences cycles of highs and lows, it's just in some cases it's more extreme than others.

And no, the highs are not from the suppression of depression, it's a natural cycle.

No one suggested OP's wife was lying when she told him that it was his fault (it's possible she believes that) but that it's simply not true.

meditraitor

Two choices really,

1.Stay with her and try to help her through these times and enjoy the good times when they come

2.Leave her and start afresh

fundub2002

THANK YOU FOR THE DETAILED RESPONCE i should have added i except and have told her that i am a major part of her depression and there were issues that made her unhappy i have been going for councelling myself and have i am becoming a nicer person my big concern is that my oh considers herself totally ok so i cant mention the deression worries but what i can see is the fall .unfortunatley her own family bury ther head in the sand when this happens .............

meditraitor

fundub2002 wrote: »

THANK YOU FOR THE DETAILED RESPONCE i should have added i except and have told her that i am a major part of her depression and there were issues that made her unhappy i have been going for councelling myself and have i am becoming a nicer person my big concern is that my oh considers herself totally ok so i cant mention the deression worries but what i can see is the fall .unfortunatley her own family bury ther head in the sand when this happens .............

Are you also depressed?
You obviously love her to bits but sometimes selfishness is a better course of action. Do you have any children? Has she had much treatment?
As for her family I wouldnt take it personally, mental illness terrifies most people and if they can avoid dealing with it they will..............

monellia

Das Kitty wrote: »

Gee OP that sounds really tough.

Your wife needs help of the professional sort for her depressive cycle. There's very little you can do if she won't accept this.

The only thing I can suggest is an intervention of sort with everyone who loves her to try to get her to see sense on this issue.

The only cause of depression is the person's own mind, so please don't start thinking she's right that you are the cause of it.

Hope it works out for you.

Hi Das Kitty. You are definitely right to suggest that OP's wife may benefit from professional help or an intervention. However, I take issue with your claim that "the only cause of depression is in the person's own mind". Obviously the mind has a lot to do with it, but it would be naive to attribute the person's depression to this alone. Depression can result from a combination of internal and external factors - the external being those around you, environmental influences, personal circumstances, etc. I see where you're coming from when you say that OP shouldn't blame himself, which he shouldn't. But he shouldn't lay all the blame on his wife either.

Das Kitty

monellia wrote: »

Hi Das Kitty. You are definitely right to suggest that OP's wife may benefit from professional help or an intervention. However, I take issue with your claim that "the only cause of depression is in the person's own mind". Obviously the mind has a lot to do with it, but it would be naive to attribute the person's depression to this alone. Depression can result from a combination of internal and external factors - the external being those around you, environmental influences, personal circumstances, etc. I see where you're coming from when you say that OP shouldn't blame himself, which he shouldn't. But he shouldn't lay all the blame on his wife either.

Yes yes, but it's how the person's mind reacts to the external factors that causes depression. If depression was caused by all the **** we're hit with on a daily basis the whole world would be depressed.

I'm not laying the blame on his wife but on her neurological makeup. I didn't say that she decided to become depressed.

fundub2002

a couple of points here i am well away i am the cause of lots of her unhappiness .However have no interest in leaving her i love her we have two teenage kids.as for as professional help she has had loads clocks off when she feels better . the whole system seems to have missed the cycle she has of highs and loes I am just worried becuase her desire to separate is new and if i bring up depression she takes offence she does not think there is anything wrong with her right now

Das Kitty

fundub2002 wrote: »

a couple of points here i am well away i am the cause of lots of her unhappiness .However have no interest in leaving her i love her we have two teenage kids.as for as professional help she has had loads clocks off when she feels better . the whole system seems to have missed the cycle she has of highs and loes I am just worried becuase her desire to separate is new and if i bring up depression she takes offence she does not think there is anything wrong with her right now

Would you consider an intervention? Has any of your family noticed this also?

Maybe you could go to see someone (psychologist or the like) for advice on dealing with this, possibly someone new rather than the person she used to go to see.

Self improvement to remove some of her unhappiness is a good and noble move but it won't be the cure for this. She needs to admit she needs help.

meditraitor

fundub2002 wrote: »

a couple of points here i am well away i am the cause of lots of her unhappiness .However have no interest in leaving her i love her we have two teenage kids.as for as professional help she has had loads clocks off when she feels better . the whole system seems to have missed the cycle she has of highs and loes I am just worried becuase her desire to separate is new and if i bring up depression she takes offence she does not think there is anything wrong with her right now

Thats a good start
You strike me as a good guy and the only advice I can give you is stick with it, get help and be patient.

fundub2002

hi

family and friends have noticed but run away from it her decision to want to separate does not help

going to someone new wont help either firstly she thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong and in the past has gone to so many differnt people if they dont say what she wants to hear she gives up its only when she is down ( rather than hi ) that she will do different but then the damage is done

Das Kitty

fundub2002 wrote: »

going to someone new wont help either firstly she thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong and in the past has gone to so many differnt people if they dont say what she wants to hear she gives up its only when she is down ( rather than hi ) that she will do different but then the damage is done

I meant for you to go to someone.

To see if you can get help in dealing with this.

fundub2002

yes ive been going to someone for some of my own issues but have beenr eluctant to bring her depression into that .......but perhaps i should

love to hear from someone who has been in same position before
i really feel lost right now