Her ex just destroyed us

LegacyUser

My gf of 4 months just broke up with me. I know its not that long but I had really strong feelings for this girl, honestly felt she could be "the one".
We've had a fantastic time together and never had a single disagreement. Ex's came up in convo at the beginning and she mentioned she had one ex who she broke up with years ago who she broke up with, cos he slapped her about.
She has had relationships since but took a 3 yr break away from them and I was the first person shes been with since.
Things were goin absolutely fantasticly till monday when she started goin unusually quiet and not texting me. I contacted her today to see what was up and she said nothing but seem quite down.
I ended the convo but decided to ring her back and after some probing she decided to tell me that this ex is back in contact stirring things up. She says its stirred up all her feelings again, she doesn't want him back (I asked her this 3/4 times and she was adamant) but it left her totally confused and unable to see herself in a relationship. I tried, probably too hard, to make her see she was making a mistake. Shes not for turning tho.
Why do people let old flames have such a strong influence on their life despite not wanting them back. Although I'm sure most of you will say she really does. Do I just let her go? Shes talking about going to counselling. Friendship alone would be horrible but I think losing her forever will break my heart. Has anyone ever turned this around or am I just fooling myself.

I seriously wanna kill this guy. Hes done this to her before. I told her to walk through it this time or she'll never get over it. That shes throwing the baby out with the bath water. Or maybe I just don't mean as much to her as I'd hoped

Wurly

Angry unreg wrote: »

but it left her totally confused and unable to see herself in a relationship.

That's perfectly understandable.

I tried, probably too hard, to make her see she was making a mistake. Shes not for turning tho.

Is she making a mistake? She doesnt seem to think so.

Why do people let old flames have such a strong influence on their life despite not wanting them back. Although I'm sure most of you will say she really does.

Because past hurt can really f*ck you up. Maybe she's afraid of contaminating the relationship with past stuff. She has got to a point where she cant go on until she gets herself sorted. She could stay in this when she's still confused and chances are, the relationship would turn toxic.

Do I just let her go?

I'm afraid you have to. You have to accept her decision.

Shes talking about going to counselling.

That's a great idea. And a mature one too.

Friendship alone would be horrible but I think losing her forever will break my heart.

I understand this and i'm sorry. It's not easy.

Has anyone ever turned this around or am I just fooling myself.

No two situations are the same so I don't think anyone can advise how you turn this around. She has made her case clear.

I seriously wanna kill this guy. Hes done this to her before. I told her to walk through it this time or she'll never get over it. That shes throwing the baby out with the bath water. Or maybe I just don't mean as much to her as I'd hoped

But it has nothing to do with you! She is not throwing any baby out with any bathwater and it has nothing to do with how she feels for you. She was mature enough to realise that she is not ready. You cant force her to be so. She needs time to work through this. She may come back to you, she may not but if YOU cared for HER enough, you would want the best for her. What happened to her was traumatic - its not a case of dusting yourself off and being grand again in 5 mins. Try to understand that.

I see why you're angry and upset. These things are very painful. But you have to respect the wishes of the girl that you care for so much.

If she's for you, she'll come back to you. But let it be when she feels ready. There would be no point in continuing this relationship with the way she is feeling now.

I'm sorry mate.

bluecell99

Dont beat yourself up.You said it yourself.Many people seem to find it impossible to let the "ex" go - in spite of how unhappy they were with them.It defies logic and I see it all the time.I just dont know the answwr except to say the following:

You cant get inside her head to find out whats going on.

You need to let go for now.

There will be other women and relationships.

You will be stronger next time and hopefully come across someone who is free emotionally.Because your friend now is not free - in her own mind.Nothing you can do as such.

Just be kind to yourself and take some time out.

estar

my ex girlfriend made a decision to get back in touch with her abusive ex as she wasnt over him, and it destroyed our new relationship. you have no control over this, and should leave this girl to getting over this on her own, and remain on friendly terms but distant. she is the one in control. she has to decide when she has had enough. she keeps leaving him back in her life.

Rb

Walk away, you're only going to hurt yourself if you let this drag out so say your goodbyes and move on. It might not seem easy now, but in a few months time you'll be asking yourself what you ever saw in her.

LegacyUser

Trí wrote: »

That's perfectly understandable.

Is she making a mistake? She doesnt seem to think so.


Because past hurt can really f*ck you up. Maybe she's afraid of contaminating the relationship with past stuff. She has got to a point where she cant go on until she gets herself sorted. She could stay in this when she's still confused and chances are, the relationship would turn toxic.

I'm afraid you have to. You have to accept her decision.


That's a great idea. And a mature one too.


I understand this and i'm sorry. It's not easy.

No two situations are the same so I don't think anyone can advise how you turn this around. She has made her case clear.

But it has nothing to do with you! She is not throwing any baby out with any bathwater and it has nothing to do with how she feels for you. She was mature enough to realise that she is not ready. You cant force her to be so. She needs time to work through this. She may come back to you, she may not but if YOU cared for HER enough, you would want the best for her. What happened to her was traumatic - its not a case of dusting yourself off and being grand again in 5 mins. Try to understand that.

I see why you're angry and upset. These things are very painful. But you have to respect the wishes of the girl that you care for so much.

If she's for you, she'll come back to you. But let it be when she feels ready. There would be no point in continuing this relationship with the way she is feeling now.

I'm sorry mate.

I agree with everything you say except this hasn't been 5 mins, its been 5 yrs. Hes done it to her before so unless she bucks the trend then it'll happen again. Thats why I tried to impart to her. I do want her but I also want the best for her. If she feels thats not me so be it, I agree the counselling is a great idea. I just don't agree she needs to let the relationship go in order for it to work.
I know I've got to accept her decision and move on. Its just harder to do it with an ending like this. It'd actually be easier if she said she wasn't into me or she was still nuts about him and needed to go back (tho I hope she never would).

Wurly

Angry unreg wrote: »

I agree with everything you say except this hasn't been 5 mins, its been 5 yrs. Hes done it to her before so unless she bucks the trend then it'll happen again. Thats why I tried to impart to her. I do want her but I also want the best for her. If she feels thats not me so be it, I agree the counselling is a great idea. I just don't agree she needs to let the relationship go in order for it to work.
I know I've got to accept her decision and move on. Its just harder to do it with an ending like this. It'd actually be easier if she said she wasn't into me or she was still nuts about him and needed to go back (tho I hope she never would).

Hi there - I appear to have missed the 5 year thing... Whoops.:o

Okay - this does give it a slightly different slant. And I can see why you're so angry. This obstacle seems to be permanently in place and that's not fair on you.

5 years is a long time to invest in someone. And for it not to work after 5 years must seem like a total waste of time.

I still think that you are better off out of this until she gets herself sorted. If she has allowed this to take hold for so long without doing anything about it up until now, then she may stall getting help. She does not appear to be very pro-active in that case. But - maybe she's really serious this time.

Again - you cant change her decision and honestly, I think the best thing to do in situations like this is to give her space.

When she sorts herself out, you guys could get back together and live happy ever after. Or - as an above poster wrote, you could wonder what you ever saw in her.

Either way, you must get on with your own life - hard as that is. You never know who you might meet down the line.

Sorry again for missing that fundamental point in your original post. Good luck - I know its not easy. And fair play to you for sticking by her for so long.

Monkey61

I know it's hard OP, but you were only with her for 4 months (I know though that this doesn't make your feelings any less strong) and maybe it is better that this happened now rather than a couple of years down the line when the fallout for you would be even worse.

Being brutally honest here, as much as she likes you, she just doesn't like you enough. It isn't your fault. But she just doesn't and now you know that. If she liked you enough and as much as you like her she would want to be with you, but she doesn't.

The easy thing would be to get angry at this ex and blame everything on him, but that would be a waste of anger and could lead to you sitting around forever wondering about what might have been. It isn't because of him. It is because of her. She does not feel the same way about you as you do her and if her feelings were shaky enough that she broke up with you over an ex getting back in contact then really it could have happened anytime and over anything.

If things are meant to be, then they will happen. But unfortunately there is absolutely nothing you can do in this situation but carry on with your life and let her carry on with hers.

Tigger

Angry unreg wrote: »

I seriously wanna kill this guy. Hes done this to her before.(

they deserve each other

move on lods of nice girls out ther that aren't in love with some ass