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Loving someone sooo much, but knowing they're not the one for you.... help

  • 29-04-2009 6:53pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Basically I was going out with this guy for almost a year and a half. He then had to move away for over a year and I couldn't go with him. We decided to break up for while he's gone but we talk very regularly on video chat and text, probably with a view to getting back together when he gets back.

    However, even though I love him very much, and it hurts me a lot to think of not having him, I know he's not completely right for me. There are many reasons I know this, but the bottom line is I know it for sure.

    And I'm so confused.... How can I force myself to get over someone like this? I can't stop thinking about how much I wanna be with him but I do have to get over him because I know I could never settle with him... It kills me thinking of never getting to be with him again. But I know I can't settle with him.... argh!!


Comments

  • #2
    Wurly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,095 ✭✭✭Wurly


    UnregisteredOP wrote: »
    Basically I was going out with this guy for almost a year and a half. He then had to move away for over a year and I couldn't go with him. We decided to break up for while he's gone but we talk very regularly on video chat and text, probably with a view to getting back together when he gets back.

    However, even though I love him very much, and it hurts me a lot to think of not having him, I know he's not completely right for me. There are many reasons I know this, but the bottom line is I know it for sure.

    And I'm so confused.... How can I force myself to get over someone like this? I can't stop thinking about how much I wanna be with him but I do have to get over him because I know I could never settle with him... It kills me thinking of never getting to be with him again. But I know I can't settle with him.... argh!!
    Why cant you settle with him? Are your expectations too high? I will say that there are very few, if any people that can tick every single box for you. I think, lots of the time, people are looking for perfection and it simply doesn't exist. But it's hard to know what's going on here without further info.

    Are you physically, mentally and sexually attracted to him? Do you not want the same things from life?

    If you are completely sure... Then you have to break up with him. Be fair and allow him to move on with his life and you with yours.

    The only thing unfortunately that makes breakups less painful is time..


  • #3
    AARRRGH
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,382 ✭✭✭✭AARRRGH


    Can you elaborate why he is not for you?


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I can't settle with him because for many reasons I don't feel completely myself with him. Also, he caused me a certain amount of anxiety many times while we were going out (but i must stress that it wasn't because of anything wrong he did) and now whenever I'm with him the feeling of anxiety comes flooding back. This also makes it really difficult for me to maintain any type of sexual relationship with him because I can't fully relax when I'm with him.

    But as I said it's mainly because I don't feel like I can be myself around him totally and that exhausts me.

    Unfortunately, I love him an enormous amount. To use a cli ché, I love him a lot but I'm not "in love with" him. I think that's the phrase that describes how I'm feeling.


  • #5
    Wurly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,095 ✭✭✭Wurly


    UnregisteredOP wrote: »
    I can't settle with him because for many reasons I don't feel completely myself with him. Also, he caused me a certain amount of anxiety many times while we were going out (but i must stress that it wasn't because of anything wrong he did) and now whenever I'm with him the feeling of anxiety comes flooding back. This also makes it really difficult for me to maintain any type of sexual relationship with him because I can't fully relax when I'm with him.

    But as I said it's mainly because I don't feel like I can be myself around him totally and that exhausts me.

    Unfortunately, I love him an enormous amount. To use a cli ché, I love him a lot but I'm not "in love with" him. I think that's the phrase that describes how I'm feeling.
    Is there any chance that you can talk to him about this? Or have you already tried? Basically speaking, some people don't know how they're making a person feel until its pointed out to them.

    Its not good if you cant be yourself around your partner. They're the one that you should feel yourself around the most. If you cant, then dont short change yourself and move on.

    Time, going out with your friends and keeping generally busy all help. Its hard though so be kind to yourself.


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