He is my heroin and this addiction is killing me

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I'm sitting in my apartment feeling really sad and thought writing my feelings and fears down might help. So here goes..

My bf of four years broke up with me almost three years ago but we have been in fairly regualr contact since. I loved him with all my heart and it shattered to pieces when he finished things. He ended it in a really cruel way (I won't go into detail, no need) but even still I took him back when he claimed he loved me and had maken a mistake.

We have broken up and gotten back together countless times since the original split and evry time I stupidly believe it will be different and it always is for the first few weeks but then it falls apart again (surprise surprise). He cheated on me with a mutual friend of ours, I took him back. He hit me, I took him back. I feel so foolish even typing that as I'd consider myself to be a very smart girl but when it comes to him I lose all respect fo rmyself and and act like a f*cking idiot.

He tells me that he loves me now and always will but he knows that this will never work but yet he'd like to give it one last try. The fact that I'm even tempted makes me wanna kick myself. I hate myself for being so weak about him. I am a strong girl who has overcome death and illness in my family, depression, alcoholism and many other great traumas and yet this one guy can make my world fall apart.

My friends all HATE this guy and have begged me too stay away from him. They say I am beautiful, smart and loving (sorry that sounds so big headed) but he is/has destroyed me and continues to do so everytime I communicate with him

My question is, how do I once and for all walk away from this God awful mess so that I can find my true path? I have had one other bf since who was a great guy but I ended it after 6 months cause I'd be lying beside him wishing he was my ex and once he said I love you, I knew I had to be honest and say I don't.

Just feeling blue and lonely and idiotic for letting him chip away at my once optimistic happy nature. I am now cynical, dark and am finding it a struggle to even be polite to people in work cause I feel so unhappy!!

Help me find the way:(

Any....and I mean any advice welcome. I am 28 by the way. I should (and in my heart) know better.

Thank you.

Ellechim

Fragile,

Whatever about being treated badly, being hit by a man is absolutely unforgiveable. Please please please just walk away.

I know it's easier said than done but if he has hit you once he has the capacity to hit you again and how can you possibly ever trust him?

You now have 7 years under your belt of his abusive behaviour: what does he have to do and how long does it have to go on for for you to say 'enough'? What is stopping you?

I would strongly advise changing your mobile phone number, moving house, moving in with a friend or family member who will talk you out of going back to him.

The loneliness will pass if you just give it some time. Keep yourself busy, take on some massive project. There is more to life than this guy. You deserve better. If you are really as strong as you say you can make a stand and say 'no more'.....and stick with it.

Please.............

LegacyUser

Dear OP - if you sit and imagine the next 5 years (with him in your life) is it really a good, positive feeling you get?! You have already admitted to yourself the truely bad points about this man - you are no longer in your early 20's and blinded by the love you had for him, you show realism and awareness in your post - you are 90% there (to your better life)... you are still young and in the prime of your life, and someone much, much better is bodding around out there, not yet aware of the great, special lady that is to come into their life (you) - because she took the step, cut the rot out of her life, and was open to receiving someone more deserving into her life..... Be brave, and be strong, it's in you to walk away from him for good - he is not for you anymore..... Good luck!

lynsalot

Hi Fragile
It's so annoying knowing u should be making the right decision and can't help yourself and it totally is an addiction. I know exactly what you're talking about. The good news is... it only takes 28 days to break an addiction. Ok you know you need to cut him out completely right? He doesn't add anything to your life. You're allowing him to call the shots. He's in charge of your life. You need to make a decision for yourself... and I think this is the beginning. You've realised that you don't need him in your life. You need to get your teeth into something new. A new project, whether it's a hobby, the gym something anything but something you have an interest in. You need to stop contact with him and discover what it is you want to do with your life. Start going out having fun and take control of your own life.

It's going to be hard at first but it gets easier I promise and you'll feel so much better for doing it. The relationship you have with him is not healthy and is not doing you any good at all. Hope the advice helps. Wish you well take care

Payton

No man is worth your tears, But the one who is wont make you cry. You really need to get your mind sorted before you can your heart sorted, take a break somewhere just yourself and a good friend and sort yourself out. I think you know what to do but your heart is telling you differant.

jhayden

Hi Fragile,
I fully agree with the above posters. Please stay away from him, consider him trouble. He will bring no good luck to you and will probably lose you friends.

I would suggest that you do something that would occupy the mind whether it would be a new hobby, studying, dating (only if you feel up to it) or travelling. How does he contact you (eg if its by phone can you get his number blocked by the phone operator, if its email maybe you could report his email as spam andautomatically filter the emails out or if its face to face maybe you could look at a restraining order against him).

Whatever you do I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out with you.

Regards,

Joe Hayden.

aidan24326

Fragile, just re-read what you wrote yourself. He cheated, he hit you, he makes you miserable, he dumped you cruelly, your friends hate him, you hate yourself for even considering the idea of getting back with him again. These are not the actions of someone who cares about you, and certainly not the actions of aomeone who loves you.

You already know 100% what you need to do. Cut him out of your life completely. No contact, no staying friends, none of that. There is nothing to be gained from another destructive period of time with him, and lots to be gained from making a clean break right now. Don't see him, don't answer his calls/texts. Nothing.

ellie1

Buy the book "women who love too much" by robin ...... Its really great for women who get invoved in addictive relationships. She explains it as very like alcohal addiction and uses a cycle to show it. The highs and lows, covering up for him when he does something bad, etc.I cant explain it properly.

Get the book.

Joey the lips

Your ahead of most in that by writing it down you can understand the problem. Its really awful and I really feel for you. You sont deserve to be treated so bad.

A course of some sort would be agreat idea to destract you much of the advice above is good. Just one thing i would say is if its this bad it cannot be good for your self esteam and it will get worse if you take him back

mardybum

Ah, i know how you feel. Although I didn't take my own advise, I know that creating a life that completely shuts out your ex helps. You can email him a letter saying the reasons you don't want to get back with him, the reasons that make it hard not to stay away from him, and ask him to not contact you.

Look into travel, or further education as a means of taking yourself out of his plane of vision. Basically remove yourself from his world so entirely that he can't get in touch with you, and by changing your life so that you can heal, foster new friendships etc so that going back to him seems like the furthest reality from you.

Definitely change your number, email and address if possible. Explain to your friends what you're doing, and how hard it is. Explain that although this may seem similar to past break-ups, it's not. block him from your social networking sites and chats.

And good luck, it's so hard but I hope worth it.

Nevyn

Fragilefool I suggest you get yourself into counselling asap.
You need the help, support and to start looking what what are your issues which have had you staying in an abusive relationship and not valuing yourself better.

Only by understanding will you be able to move on.

CDfm

He hits you and cheats with a friend of yours and says he loves you. No he doesnt - he loves himself. The way he treats you is truly awful.

I would feel really sick if I got back with my ex because I was always afraid of what was around the corner. She still makes me nervous and we have been apart for years. Having kids together meant breaking total contact wasnt always feasable.

For me I looked at my ex as she was when I knew her and it was the good times I would have liked. I also had rose tinted glasses on.

To borrow from Dickens - it was the best of times and it was the worst of times. I dont like that feeling.

When you are lonely coming up to a holiday weekend is one of the worst times. Everyones geting ready and thats a time to get ready to do things, Contact friends and make arrangements. If you get pampered -its even nicer.

I have a close friend and a few years back we sat in his garden along the Shannon and I talked to him for an hour and he listened and I told him lots. It kind of broke the illusion if that makes sense.

I hope this helps and you do deserve better. You really do.

LegacyUser

Hi Fragile,

From reading your post you say you feel addicted.
A lot of advice has been given already that is pretty sound advice and will probably work... as long as you are not addicted for real.

There is such a thing as love addiction where we are in such dire need of being loved we cannot think of anything else and continue to try to stay in this place of being loved no matter what the cost (pain (mental or physical), losing work, losing friends, dropping out of school, add to the list as you want).
We get different "obsessions" and it really sounds like he is your obsession at the moment.

We think of this obsession and how if only we could get things in "the right order" everything would be OK and we could be happy but the truth is that this never happens. Something will always be missing as the whole relationship is based on values and ideas that are extremely flawed (and sick to be honest).

I am not here to try to say you are a love addict, just saying that what you just said here fits the picture so you might want to look into that and find out for sure whether you are or not because all the self help books and happy thoughts in the world won't get you out of that sickness.

There is a 12 step fellowship called SLAA (sex&love addicts anonymous) that deals with these issues directly.
I would recommend you google it and read a bit about it, that way you either identify the problem and can deal with it or simply walk away knowing that's not the issue here.

Hope this makes some sense and that you find the solution to what you're going through!

LegacyUser

Fragile,

I have been where you are and it hurts like crazy but I think cutting contact all together is the best thing you can ever do for yourself. My ex slipped back into my life on the "friends" card for a while and like you I felt that I could not let him go and every time I felt a bit weak I would go to call him or text him. One day something just clicked in me and I realised that as long as I kept him in my life, (as a phone number, an email, a facebook friend, whatever) I wouldn't be able to let him go and move on.

Ask yourself how you would feel if a friend of yours was in your shoes and what advice would you give her - I doubt it would be to stay with him or be friends! Would you let a friend treat u the way he did?

Seriously don't just delete him block him, that way you won't even be tempted when you're feeling low and desperate and only thinking of the "good" times you had. It is the only way. YOu feel such a release when you do it, like you can finally breath again. I am not saying it's easy. It's not. After I did it I questioned myself for weeks afterwards, was I overreacting, was I making a huge mistake... but no, hanging onto someone who can make you feel that bad, who can hit you and use youand cheat on you - keeping someone like that in your life is unhealthy.

It is scary to think they won't be in your life again but you will get over it and you will come out of it stronger! Of course you will have days when you will miss him and wish he was there and cry but that will pass. Just don't ever let him know that you are feeling that way. Oh and I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of emailing him or letting him know - if you block him he will soon know about it if he tries to get to you!

I hope this makes sense to you and helps and doesn't come across as some big rant. Just not that long ago I sounded exactly like you, my self esteem was destroyed I was completely controlled by my ex even though I wasn't with him anymore and really the best thing I did for myself was get rid

I really hope you feel better soon - just remember that you deserve better!

DeVore

Please please please walk away, just walk away. Never look back and get help for whatever is making you feel like you want to go back to this unmitigated pr*ck.

Please, you are worth so much more then this. Walk away. There are so many guys who would give their right arm for someone as loyal and sensitive as you.

DeV.

maxxie

That guy is badd news! You feel bad now but a future with him will be full of alot more tears I reckon!
Move on and find someone who appreciates ya!

He wont make you do this

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Walls

You say that this guy is your addiction. Firstly, one thing that people in addiction do is repeat the same action over and over again, and expect a different outcome.

Listen to me right now. Cop on. You know very clearly, without any illusion that this man is a disaster for you. He has hit you. He has cheated on you. He has ruined your confidence and made you look a fool in front of family and friends. Don't pretend you don't know for one second exactly what will happen if you 'go for one last round'. You do know. You've done it so many times before, you could write the script.

You say that you couldn't fall in love with another man. Of course you can't. For you, falling in love means coping with crisis, dealing with heart stopping pain, wondering why you don't get to be happy when everyone else is living a normal life. A person who loves you, treats you well and is considerate, is clearly far too boring. If he was really considerate, he'd make your heart beat with passion and your heart only pulses when the pain hits.

You are being stupid. You are not being romantic. You are not being clever. You are not a heroine in a movie where everything will somehow be alright, no matter what you do. You are selling off your happiness because you see but ignore the reality of the situation. Cop the **** on. You have to recognise, right now, that any other decision is the end of you, and by God he is not worth that.