How can I help with my partners psycological issues ruling his life!!

iheartny

I've been with my partner for two years this summer and from our time together it is plain to see he was very much affected by his father leaving his mum for another man when he was a teenager (16) I can't imagine what it must have been like for him, it's had such a massive impact on his life and 10 years later he is still struggling to cope with it and I can't see him like this any longer. His two brothers and sister seemed to have coped okay with it, so for him to be bothered about it seems a bit taboo in th family.

When his Dad left he started smoking cannabis with his so-called-friends and since then has used this as a means of getting over problems, or should I say forgetting about them. he has admitted to me its the catalyst to why he smokes this stuff and he has massive issues he needs proper help for.

I can't help with everything but he has said the odd thing about his Dad so I know he would be willing to talk about it to some extent, I just don't know where or how to start??

I am quite close to his mum and she has said it's been a problem for him since her and his dad split up. she told me some heart breaking things which i can see account for his somewhat odd possessive behaviour that some of his old friends have criticised him for. He has also told me himself how he worshiped having a father figure and guidence. Im supposing since that left his life he's just been struggling along flying off the rails every now and then.

My boyfriend and I can talk about anything, I want to be someone he can vent to about this because it is weighing so heavy on his mind. I just don't know how to approach it. Like at christmas he got a christmas card from his dad and dads partner - when i asked him who it was from he told me, and i felt it was a good oppertunity to ask him more about his dad but i couldnt even think what to say or where to start.

Should I ask him about his childhood with his dad? would it be harmful to broach the subject of when his dad left and how it made him feel? i know this is probably making me sound dumb, i just dont want to hurt my boyfriends feeling, i know this is a sensitive subject for him i just honestly think i could help if i could just get him to open up.

if anyone can help, i'd really appreciate it. like i said, its not that he wont talk, its just i dont know how to bring it up in a way which will encourage him to open up to me. it's like having a pink elephant in the room for 2 years and we've just been looking at it and not said a word about it!!!!
Thanks x

LegacyUser

Maybe its just me but his Mam left his Dad for someone else 10 years ago. He was 16 at the time........do you not think there is a slight bit of self pity or "milking it" here to be still going on about this 10 years later.

My own family life was a serious mess, I found the only way to get over it is to work very hard at it and try not to allow it to dominate my whole life and pollute my relationship with my partner.

He needs to kick the weed, easier said than done of course but 10 years after this event he should not be still playing his violin about this.

You also need to toughen up and let him see that other people have problems too and wallowing in self pity for 10 years is not appropriate.

All in all, he needs to build a bridge and get over it. You need to stop softsoaping him.

LegacyUser

"All in all, he needs to build a bridge and get over it. You need to stop softsoaping him"

Harsh words above, give a guy a break...he only told his girlfriend about it at christmas...hardly "milking it".

OP, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and have thought about this alot. Your obvious sensitivity towards his issues and some gentle coaxing might help him up open about the issues and possible resolutions. Time, time, time.

Nevyn

You can't help him, you can't fix him.

He has to want to get help himself, he has to have to want to work on his issues himself.
If he choose to do that you can support him but if he doesn't there is nothing you can do
other then refuse to put up with his behaviour due to his issues impacting on you.
Which may mean walking away for a while or for good.

AARRRGH

Talk to him all you want, but he is the only one who can solve his issues.

You need to ask yourself do you really want to stay in a relationship with someone who needs to drug himself everyday just to get by. I don't like the sound of "odd possessive behaviour" either. Can you elaborate on this?

I know this will sound harsh, but you are not a charity.

Sinall

Thaedydal wrote: »

You can't help him, you can't fix him.

He has to want to get help himself, he has to have to want to work on his issues himself.
If he choose to do that you can support him but if he doesn't there is nothing you can do
other then refuse to put up with his behaviour due to his issues impacting on you.
Which may mean walking away for a while or for good.

I agree with Thaedydal 100% here. You can't change the past or another person - but you can change yourself and your reactions to things.

This is something he has to work through himself, but it will only happen if he wants it to. It's great that you want to help and support him but there is a limit to what you can do. With the best will in the world you can't change things inside his head.

kevmy

I agree with the above but I do think people can change and face up to issues and it is easier to do that if they have a partner to support them and encourage them. Also it does give an additional reason to change.

By talking about it it can bring it into the open and maybe start him dealing with it.

I'm afraid with all of these things the best way to handle it is generally the tough, straight up and honest approach, you can't shy away from these things