Hate being seen as "Quiet"

LegacyUser

Hi,

I just overheard two work colleagues talking and I came up in the conversation. One of them said that I was "so quiet".
Hearing that made me annoyed and p1ssed off. Maybe I am quiet but I don't like to be seen as a quiet person.
Around my close friends I am anything but quiet. They would be shocked to hear from work people that I am quiet.

It just gets me down and maybe its a confidence issue.

Please help!

Thanks.

Beruthiel

UnregApril wrote: »

Hearing that made me annoyed and p1ssed off.

Why?

Terodil

Hmm, I think you need to take a step back and observe your behaviour a little if you are that surprised that you come across as 'quiet'. Is it a lack of networking, is it chitchat that doesn't work, or is it professionally? Are you just not interested in talking or do you feel you don't have anything worthwhile to contribute? What are you working as, would you mind me asking? In many professions listening actually helps more than talking so it may even be a strength, if not overbearing...

LegacyUser

I am often quiet in certain situations, often people that don't know me that well think I am quite but around my friends, family and people I generally feel comfortable with, I can be very talkative. A lot of people are like this.

Why does it bother you so much that they see you as quite? It's not necessarilys a bad thing (within reason). I for one hate it when people too loud and overbearing, it's better to be the way you are then the other extreme.

If it's something that bothers you this much maybe you should make more of an effort to chat to people you work with. At least now you know that you come across that way sometimes, so if it nothers you you cdn do something about it.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I know exactly how you feel. I was never really welcomed in my work palce. I came in brimming with confidence and tried my hardest to strike up conversations but everyone was already part of a group and had no interest in getting to know me. They'd all head out for lunch together and not even have the decency to ask me along. The reason I am so quiet is because I do not know anyone well enough to talk to them and its long past the getting to know you stage so trying to strike up a conversation with someone is seen as being weird. But this gets turned around and justified by everyone by calling me quiet. Like you, this also bothers me sometimes but I just remind myself what ****ers they all were to me at the start and thats the reason I'm quiet. I have had no problems making friends and talking to colleagues in previous jobs. Its just this place. The obvious solution to me is to find a new job....which is not going to happen any time soon.

maxxie

balls to that! what do they know about ya!
Im like that too! Am mad around my friends because im comfortable around them. More reserved around people I dont know that well!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Same thing happened to me when I started working in an office.

Are a lot of the staff older than you?

When new people start make an effort with them, then you'll find the others will talk to you more.

Go out on the beers with them, don't get sh*tfaced, just start chatting and then get talking in work. It could be a case they don't know what to say to you, if you're at all shy in new circumstances this will happen.

Cianos

UnregApril wrote: »

Hi,

I just overheard two work colleagues talking and I came up in the conversation. One of them said that I was "so quiet".
Hearing that made me annoyed and p1ssed off. Maybe I am quiet but I don't like to be seen as a quiet person.
Around my close friends I am anything but quiet. They would be shocked to hear from work people that I am quiet.

It just gets me down and maybe its a confidence issue.

Please help!

Thanks.

Another way of looking at it is that if their opinion of you is that you are "so quiet", then it means they are interested in getting to know you but they have found it hard so far. This in no way necessarily means they think badly of you...maybe they just find it hard to find things to talk about with you or feel a bit more awkward around you than other co-workers. So maybe try approaching them and striking up a conversation now and again. A one on one approach could be better if you don't feel comfortable in groups. Get friendly with a few people and the overall perception of you being seen as too quiet will change.

LegacyUser

UnregApril wrote: »

Maybe I am quiet but I don't like to be seen as a quiet person.

i think u have answered your own question there?? If you're quite you're quite...

LegacyUser

UnregApril wrote: »

Hi,

I just overheard two work colleagues talking and I came up in the conversation. One of them said that I was "so quiet".
Hearing that made me annoyed and p1ssed off. Maybe I am quiet but I don't like to be seen as a quiet person.
Around my close friends I am anything but quiet. They would be shocked to hear from work people that I am quiet.

It just gets me down and maybe its a confidence issue.

Please help!

Thanks.

I'm with you 100% on this one, there seems to be this mindset from some people that if you're not contributing to a conversation amongst them...be it, in the pub or elsewhere...that it justifies you getting a slagging or use of that phrase 'so quiet'.

Seems that being a good listener doesn't cut it, these days.

I hate to see people being refered to as being 'so quiet'.

slamman

I am also quiet in certain situations, and have never minded being refered to as quiet.But i've found that a lot of people seem to class this as a disease instead of seeing it as having manners and getting to know people before you open up to them.

CorkLady1983

nothing wrong with people seeing you as quiet...better to be a private trustworthy person, that some loud mouth busy body stuck into every conversation in the office. Have the unfortunate pleasure of sitting next to one of those types ...would love to sit next to someone quiet ....:D

greenteaicedtea

Hearing that made me annoyed and p1ssed off.

Why?

When someone is generalizing about you, it's not pleasant, it's like you're not good enough as you are. Why can't they just accept that the OP is quiet? It's like saying "wow you're tall" - when is it smart to state the obvious?

mind you I assume they were having the conversation without intending for you to overhear - I would just chalk it up to one of the funny things life throws at you, and carry on as if nothing had happened. People say things like that sometimes, they mean nothing bad, they are just making observations and thinking.

Overheal

I'd be annoyed too given that the person who thinks you are quiet, insteading of trying to talk to you, goes around and says youre quiet.

Though you then think, if someone does that to you, am I making myself approachable?

monellia

People like the quiet ones because they don’t talk ****e! Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with being reserved. I myself am desperately shy, but once I get to know a person I’m fine around them. People find themselves drawn to quiet people because there’s a subconscious instinct to help them come out of their shell. Would you rather be seen as loud, obnoxious and overbearing? Don’t worry about what people say about you. Embrace who you are, and if they don’t like it that’s their problem.

LegacyUser

The best type of people are the "quiet ones"
They are the best listeners
they dont brown nose - they dont talk out their own ar*e and they dont love the sound of themselves all the time.

You have a gift
I'd rather be quiet then an empty vesselled fool

LegacyUser

Unreg2312 wrote: »

The best type of people are the "quiet ones"
They are the best listeners
they dont brown nose - they dont talk out their own ar*e and they dont love the sound of themselves all the time.

You have a gift
I'd rather be quiet then an empty vesselled fool

Yeah, very well put.

For the life of me, i'll never understand why somebody who happens to be quiet, be it amongst friends, work colleagues or if they're with a group of friends...have to justify it to other people??...

This reminds me of a time i went to meet a group of friends in a local pub a few years back, and two friends of mine were doing some work for a different friend of theirs.

Anyway, this person...didn't know one friend of mine who happened to be quiet, but saw my quiet friend quite often as he knew the other two guys. I was astonished to walk into the pub one night, to see this guy telling my two friends to stop talking to see what my quiet friend had to say for himself!?!...what a f**king tosser that guy was to do that to somebody who happened to be quiet.

I wouldn't have blamed my quiet friend, if he had hit that guy that night.

Overheal

Overheal wrote: »

I'd be annoyed too given that the person who thinks you are quiet, insteading of trying to talk to you, goes around and says youre quiet.

That always annoyed me as well. I'm anything but shy, but in a new workplace or new situation, it takes me a while to get to know people, I don't like going in all guns blazing and it's difficult when you're the new person and the other 50 know each other. It's amazing how few people can be bothered to make any effort, and then turn around and say you're quiet. What do they expect when they make no effort to include you?

I actually find there are very few people who can walk into a new situation and be themselves right away, most newbies at work are so happy and grateful when you think to invite them to lunch or ask them a few questions about themselves and it turns out they're not quiet at all.

LegacyUser

The same thing happened to me in my last job. I kept to myself, chatted to the people in my department, didn't go around the place gossiping. Got along with all my team well.
I lived with one of the guys I worked with. He was telling me that people were refering to me as the grand quiet lad - Which is ridiculous, because I am loud, outgoing, but I like to go in, get my work done properly, and go home without having to work overtime.
Over time it eventually came out that I wasn't quite, It took a while and and out of office activities, I organised entry for tag blitz, and coached the people who wanted to play. You will gain more respect from your colleagues by been quiet and slowly fitting in. Don't worry about.

As one poster said, you weren't meant to hear it, but they weren't exactly bad mouthing you, maybe crack a joke about been so quite the next time your in that persons company, will sort it all out/

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

For the life of me, i'll never understand why somebody who happens to be quiet, be it amongst friends, work colleagues or if they're with a group of friends...have to justify it to other people??...

You could argue that because we're a social animal, someone who is being consistently and excessively quiet in a group makes the group uneasy(not just someone who is new). If there are 5 people at a table and everyone else is talking and one is just sitting there not saying a word for hours, it does make people uneasy. There's a range of social expression that makes others feel part of a group, from fairly quiet, keeping their own counsel types to more outgoing chatty types. That's cool. Outside of that fairly wide range and people get ticked off. Though generally the over chatty while being irritating make people less uneasy. Simply because if they're talking at least you have some idea what they're about. The excessively silent type is an unknown quantity and people just don't like that, if it's extreme. It's a balance IMHO.

I was astonished to walk into the pub one night, to see this guy telling my two friends to stop talking to see what my quiet friend had to say for himself!?!...what a f**king tosser that guy was to do that to somebody who happened to be quiet.

He could well have been a tosser scoring points, or he was feeling the group was feeling uneasy and tried to break the ice, or maybe he even thought the group was drowning out the quiet guy and was giving him the opportunity to join in(albeit in a hamfisted way). It does depend on the situation and viewpoint.

Lorrs33

I'm seen as quiet to everyone who're not in my social network, but it doesn't bother me. I'm not saying I hate everyone I don't hang around with, but for a majority of them, their opinion doesn't really matter to me.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

You could argue that because we're a social animal, someone who is being consistently and excessively quiet in a group makes the group uneasy(not just someone who is new). If there are 5 people at a table and everyone else is talking and one is just sitting there not saying a word for hours, it does make people uneasy. There's a range of social expression that makes others feel part of a group, from fairly quiet, keeping their own counsel types to more outgoing chatty types. That's cool. Outside of that fairly wide range and people get ticked off. Though generally the over chatty while being irritating make people less uneasy. Simply because if they're talking at least you have some idea what they're about. The excessively silent type is an unknown quantity and people just don't like that, if it's extreme. It's a balance IMHO.

He could well have been a tosser scoring points, or he was feeling the group was feeling uneasy and tried to break the ice, or maybe he even thought the group was drowning out the quiet guy and was giving him the opportunity to join in(albeit in a hamfisted way). It does depend on the situation and viewpoint.

wibbs I know this is off topic but are you a psychologist ,just curious .

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

I was astonished to walk into the pub one night, to see this guy telling my two friends to stop talking to see what my quiet friend had to say for himself!?!...what a f**king tosser that guy was to do that to somebody who happened to be quiet.

He could well have been a tosser scoring points, or he was feeling the group was feeling uneasy and tried to break the ice, or maybe he even thought the group was drowning out the quiet guy and was giving him the opportunity to join in(albeit in a hamfisted way). It does depend on the situation and viewpoint.

Wibbs I'll have to disagree here. From the description it's very likely that this guy knew what he was at when making that kind of comment unless he himself had serious problems understanding social etiquette. I was in a similar situation once years ago. At a party a friend's sister who I barely knew told me I was very quiet and then proceeded to ask everyone to be quiet so I could "say something profound". I laughed it off but it was a pretty awkward situation.

That said I wouldn't worry about being called quiet. A few people might think it's an insult but others would see it as being purely descriptive. Imho if I heard someone described as gobby I'd think it was far more insulting.

scarymoon1

a girl in work is really really quiet, like in the past year she had probably said 10 words! anyway nothng wrong with that but at times she's sitting there not contributing to the conversation and sometimes i just think she is a bit rude, like she can't be bothered to talk to us. she gives that impression at times but maybe it's just cause she is quiet.

Overheal

Its not always to do with rude of course Scarymoon1. Maybe the girl just needs a nudge?

I would have never spoken to anyone in my first job except that the woman I worked next to was very chatty.

Sometimes you just have to ask the right questions to get the ice broken. Just because I'm quiet for instance doesnt mean im shy about talking about myself. Which is a good starting off point.

scarymoon1

sure it's not always about being rude, but maybe its just this girl. believe me we have nudged her and got one word answers. it gets tiring after a while. then i hear her talking away on her mobile and im thinking that she's ot so quiet after all. Maybe she just doesnt like us!!!! ha. or she really needs to know the person well before she will be open with them.

deadhead13

scarymoon1 wrote: »

sure it's not always about being rude, but maybe its just this girl. believe me we have nudged her and got one word answers. it gets tiring after a while. then i hear her talking away on her mobile and im thinking that she's ot so quiet after all. Maybe she just doesnt like us!!!! ha. or she really needs to know the person well before she will be open with them.

It could be she is just painfully shy. Silence could be a defence mechanism to deflect attention away away from herself. I doubt she is being deliberately anti-social and I would imagine she is very aware of her quiteness and wishes it were otherwise.

elekid

I'm extremely shy and find it very difficult to make small talk or even just be around other people if I don't know them well. I'm sure the people in my office have called me quiet and maybe even rude behind my back but I couldn't really blame them because I've been working there for over a year and barely speak to anyone. To be honest I would consider some of them to be far too loud and get annoyed having to listen to them all day every day. It's more frustrating not being able to talk to the nice ones and feeling like I'm always making a fool of myself and coming across as weird by staying quiet.

As others have said though, "quiet" isn't necessarily a bad thing and you shouldn't be so concerned about what a pair of office gossips think. The people who really matter to you know you for who you are.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

wibbs I know this is off topic but are you a psychologist ,just curious .

Nope, but likely in dire need of one:D Back on topic.....

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Wibbs I'll have to disagree here. From the description it's very likely that this guy knew what he was at when making that kind of comment unless he himself had serious problems understanding social etiquette.

Oh no I agree, the chances are good he was being a tosspot in that instance, I'm just taking the angle that if someone is looking at the world in a self constructed patterned way, they may see only the pattern they expect to see. That goes for the quiet guy as well as the guy calling him on it.

And why did the mates sister do that to you? Her own insecurity certainly, but that insecurity in her was heightened by having an unknown quantity in their midst, the "quiet one". Plus when people(most of whom are socially insecure to some degree) have the chance to point out the odd one out, they will because of that insecurity. The quiet are an easy target, simply because as I said they flick the uneasy switch in many.

Geranium

Hey there, when I was younger I used to hear this quite a lot about myself, and I can understand how annoying it is. But since getting a job as at a supermarket checkout I've learned the skill of 'chatting'. I'm still not naturally loud, but it can be learned. Instead of waiting for others to ask you along, next time you're going out for food yourself, say it to them instead. Even if they say no, they'll at least know you're interested in getting to know them.

Don't feel bad about yourself, it gets easier with practice, and I find 'quiet' people some of the most interesting people I know.