Long distance relationship burnout?

LegacyUser

Hi There

I've been seeing a girl in an LDR for about three months now. We've been getting along great and have a lot of stuff in common. She is a really nice girl and any guy would be lucky to have her. I generally go to see her more than she sees me as she can't get the time off with work. A few issues have popped up along the way which have been bothering me though!

She told me she loved me after about 5-6 weeks which kind of took me by surprise. I told her I felt the same. The thing is, she is constantly telling me how fantastic she thinks I am and how I have totally re-invigorated her and given her a new lease of life and how she'd be lost without me. This was obviously very flattering at first but as time has gone on, it's been making me increasingly uncomfortable, as it puts a lot of pressure on me to feel a certain way
and would make a breakup very difficult altogether.

This is also compounded by the fact that we text a LOT during the day, on average 40+ texts a day, each of us telling the other how our day is going and how much we miss each other. The thing is, I'm not getting a chance to miss her because we're constantly talking!
Just late last night (after 2am while I was asleep) she texted me four times telling me she missed me, that she bumped into her ex and is so glad she is with me now etc. This is in addition to the couple of Skype sessions we have during the week.

I think what annoys me is that we've made the relationship far more serious and far more of a big deal than it should be at this particular stage. I just think we need to back off a bit and calm down, as we've only been together a short space of time, and all these worries have crawled inside my head and are driving me insane - I've totally lost perspective on the relationship and blown it out of proportion. It's also started to affect my physical attraction towards her, which is not good, and something I want to remedy immediately.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated

Puddleduck

How about talking to her about it. Its a better idea than ignoring her or going off her altogether.
Maybe wait until you skype each other to talk about it and say that you just want to slow things down a little. No need to rush.

MB Lacey

she sounds really young.
Is she way younger than you?
40+ texts per day - that level of need for communication would scare me off completely.

I'm not suprised you're feeling the pressure.

I think that even if you talk to her - if she's that kind of person she is - she's not really going to change.

Polleta

Hi there,

I can identify with the long distance relationship seeming more serious than normal at this stage but I think it happens quite naturally with distance.

My now ex and I had a fairly long distance relationship where we were lucky to see each other once a month.

We used to chat on gmail or text everyday about everything but if we missed each other online at night a simple text to say thinking of you was enough or if were out with friends used to just say have a good night and leave it at that.


40+ texts a day is extreme even by my past experience of this. I think we got too serious too fast and while I dont regret that I think there is a lot to be said for taking a step back. It will only help ye appreciate each other in the long run.

If I was doing it all again I wouldnt change too much but I would say that I did miss him all the time I wasn't with him. All of it! Even chatting to him wasn't enough sometimes to ease the want of a hug from him and it was the same on his side.

It sounds like you are reevaluating the relationship(which is normal) and possibly just need to talk to her about not needed to know what she ate for lunch, who she chatted to for 30 secs that day.. try to cut the texts down maybe and just leave it to a big chat at the end of the day or whatever...

pow wow

MB Lacey wrote: »

she sounds really young.
Is she way younger than you?
40+ texts per day - that level of need for communication would scare me off completely.

I'm not suprised you're feeling the pressure.

I think that even if you talk to her - if she's that kind of person she is - she's not really going to change.

It's a lot I think most people would agree, but in the girl's defence if he is replying to her texts they are both as bad as each other for maintaining that high a level of contact. He replies to her because she text him, she replies to him because he text her etc. etc.

To OP if you still want things to work out with her take it slow and be careful how you phrase the whole 'I think we're getting too heavy here' conversation (very easy to misunderstand and very difficult to retract!). Maybe suggest you ease off a bit to get a chance to really get to know each other and miss her even more...LDRs are difficult at the best of times and if it's been long-distance from day one then it's especially hard.

Faith

LDRs are very hard, full stop. I talk to my boyfriend on the phone every night for about 15 mins on average. Sometimes we'll talk on gchat and we sporadically text. Even though we're not in contact that much, sometimes I feel like we could do with a day or two of not speaking every now and then just so we miss each other a bit more. I miss him physically - I miss kissing, hugging, cuddling, tickling, sex, all of that, and all the talking in the world won't change it. Sometimes I feel like I try to keep him on the phone for hours in case it makes me miss him less physically, but of course it doesn't. So all this talking and texting that you're doing is upsetting the balance of your relationship in a way. If you think of it as a scales, it should be balanced between communication and physical contact. In yours, it sounds like it's all communication and the lack of physicality is getting to you.

How often do you see each other? Can you see each other in person more often, and use that as a reason to cut down on texting and things? Or just simply avoid getting into texting 40+ times a day. I'm not sure I've ever sent that many texts in one day! I find constantly telling each other how much you miss each other diminishes the actual feelings. So basically just take a step back from texting firstly. I'd be hesitant in actually telling her that you want to pull back, because she might take it the wrong way.

MB Lacey

Faith wrote: »

I find constantly telling each other how much you miss each other diminishes the actual feelings.

agree.
me and my gf made an agreement that we'd only text 'missing you' if we actually were feeling it - rather than just texting it as a 'nice' thing to txt.

so be careful of sending txts which are full of feelings you're not actually feeling there and then.

they can lose the real sentiments.

good luck with your gal OP!

*Honey*

LDR's are difficult because of the distance but also because it's hard to keep a balance in it... by that I mean that you are both communicating (in whatever way by text, email, phone) but the physicality isn't there half as much as you'd like. To make up for that, it often happens that people end up talking much more than they would in a "local" relationship. The up side of this, to me, is that you learn such fantastic communication skills which can only help when you do eventually move together (if that's the grand plan).

My hubby and I were long distance for 15 months before we got married - we were very involved with each other from the very first day and both on the same page with that (thankfully!). Where the balance is hard is if one person has different expectations from the other - to her 40+ texts may be fine, for you they're not. I would guess that she's texting you so much because she really misses you physically and it's the only way she does have to keep in touch. My hubby and I used to text a lot (10 or so texts a day) and maybe 3 "hi, how are you" calls in the daytime and an hour on the phone each night. This was enough for us (with almost monthly visits back and forth too). Its something you need to agree on ... what is right for you both.. to get the right balance between really interested (and I think you are from what I've read) and not getting too heavy and serious.

It sounds like you're doing ok but you need to have the talk to her - it's a difficult one to have because it's hard not to make it sound like a rejection. I would suggest you have the talk face to face though - when are you visiting next (or she visiting you?)... this is not a conversation you should have via email, messenger, text or phone.

If you want to make it work, you'll find a way to find the right balance for you. If you don't find a balance, maybe it's not the right relationship for you.