Girlfriend loves getting chatted up - a big ego boost !

LegacyUser

My gfriend of 10 months has told me that she loves getting chatted up out in pubs n clubs..she says it's a big ego boost...

She says however that that's it she just likes getting chatted up and would never do ought else for an ego boost (if you know what I mean..)

She has told me lots of stories about guys approaching her in the past and once even said to me whilst we were away and in a pub that if I wasn't with her there would be lots of guyd coming over trying to pull her...

Now we're not exactly spring chickens...both divorced, kids etc...and just about to set up home together...

So...should I be concerned?
What do ye think of this? Im not impressed :-(

Wibbs

I'm not really the jealous type so my take would be work away on the surface of it, but I would be more concerned why she felt she needed this ego boost and consistently mentioned it. Does she need it to make herself feel "still in the game" though she's no spring chicken? So the self esteem issue if a big one would worry me more as that can come out in more stressful ways for the relationship.

Chocoholic84

Ah I wouldn't really worry about this - doesn't everyone enjoy being chatted up?! You g/f is right, it IS an ego boost. She's just being honest with you!

Nothing to worry about IMO

seamus

Unregistered wrote: »

She has told me lots of stories about guys approaching her in the past and once even said to me whilst we were away and in a pub that if I wasn't with her there would be lots of guyd coming over trying to pull her...

It probably is an ego boost, but she may also be playing games with you. Some women think that they need to keep their man on his toes all the time, so tell him that so-and-so totally fancies her or lines like the above "If you weren't here, I'd totally be getting chatted up right now" to make him feel like he's lucky or has to work to keep her.
As Wibbs says, it could be a self-esteem issue and she's trying to prevent you from getting too "comfortable". That wouldn't be at all surprising since she's a divorcee.

Oh The Humanity

Jazuz! Isn't it a funny coincidence how you are never around to see these things!

I'd say let the baby have her bottle!

But she needs to remember it cuts both ways, she cant pout if you get chatted up yourself.

BaZmO*

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

But she needs to remember it cuts both ways, she cant pout if you get chatted up yourself.

I would put money on it that if you were to come back from the toilet or bar and tell her that you were just after being chatted up by a pretty young girl she wouldn't be too pleased with you telling her.

The way I see it, she shouldn't really be telling you about this all the time, but if you're ok with it well that's fine. But if you're not fine with it I suggest that you tell her that while it's great going out with someone that garners so much attention it's probably best if you're spared the details.

Oh The Humanity

Hmm, until I saw the evidence of this supposed parade of suitors I would be sceptical.

Why dont you spy on her when she thinks youre gone to the toilet and see if its true or not!

We all feel this way. If we get flirted with then we feel good about it. We all get an ego boost from it, whether we needed one or not. It is just the way our psychology generally works.

The thing is not many of us ADMIT that to our partners. We act like it never happened. Mostly we feel ok with this because we know we would never let anything BAD happen and so we make nothing of it.

At the end of the day however we are, technically, hiding something from the partner when it happens.

What you have here is a normal girl, getting hit on in the normal way, and feeling the normal way about it. On top of this she believes in trust and honesty in your relationship to the degree she feels perfectly happy telling you it where many other people would not.

In essence, I think rather than having something to worry about you have a relationship to be proud of.

LegacyUser

So she's divorced then? It's just a stab in the dark here seeing as I don't know the background, but it sounds to me as though she's been taken for granted and rejected by her previous husband and in a bid to make sure it doesn't happen again with you she's building up her own standing by exaggerating her appeal to other men. A kind of "don't take me for granted mate, I have men chasing after me every night, please don't leave me, please don't leave me, pleeeeease don't leave me" thing.

That's just how I read it though.

LegacyUser

Thank you for replies...

Yes indeed maybe it is just me being jealous...

She does feel as if she's geting old etc so I'm sure confidence boost is good as long as she never takes it further of course

She, on the other hand, doesnt seem to give a damn about what I do or who I talk to..she claims she never gets jealous....

Oh well I'll have to suffer on I suppose .......

vorbis

Hmm, am I the only one who'd feel a bit annoyed by this. What would she say to you if you spent a night out going around chatting up women? Its effectively the same things in terms of the dating game.

PurpleBerry

Well, obviously getting chatted up is going to be an ego boost, surely most people would get a bit of a kick out of it. What would worry me is her need to make sure that you know she is getting chatted up and that she thoroughly enjoys it.

If I were you I would purposefully not make a big deal out of it as it sounds like she's looking for a reaction from you. The most I'd say is "Well, yeah, that happens to me too. I just don't feel the need to keep on about it." It does seem a bit childish of her.

Terribly suspicious there PurpleBerry. Not to say you are wrong for sure, but there are 100s of other possibilities as to why she would tell him too.

As I said above, she might just like talking to her boyfriend. This is something that happened in her day. She likes to tell him what happenes in her day. She has nothing to hide. So she tells him.

My girlfriends tell me stuff like this all the time, its never bothered me once. I just know they tell me because we like talking about whats been happening.

Vorbis,

No I doubt you are the ONLY one, but I think from experience and from the replies so far on the thread you are likely to be a minority.

Just curious why when you did your "how would she like it" speech, you did not mirror the scenario exactly. Rather than saying "how would she like it if you were getting chatted up all the time", you changed it to him doing the chatting up in your scenario.

Not particularly commenting on it, just wondering why you felt the need to change it.

vorbis

well taxAHcruel, in a pub / club women typically get chatted up and men do the chatting up. That's how it goes in 90% of cases. To me there is no difference between a woman in a relationship being ok with getting chatted up and with a guy in a relationship chatting women up.

That's a more fair comparison imo than woman getting chatted up versus guy getting chatted up.

shellyboo

vorbis wrote: »

well taxAHcruel, in a pub / club women typically get chatted up and men do the chatting up. That's how it goes in 90% of cases. To me there is no difference between a woman in a relationship being ok with getting chatted up and with a guy in a relationship chatting women up.

That's a more fair comparison imo than woman getting chatted up versus guy getting chatted up.

There's a huge difference, to be fair. You can't stop someone chatting you up without being quite rude... whereas you have to actively decide to chat someone up. I doubt my bf would mind if I got chatted up by blokes, but he'd be rightly miffed if I told him I was out flirting with guys intentionally.

Also, if I *was* being chatted up by guys, I'd feel the need to mention it. I'd feel like I was hiding something otherwise. This could be the case with your missus, OP... unless you feel she's doing it intentionally to get a rise out of you.

You could always ask her to just stop telling you and talking about it? It seems like her rubbing it in your face is more the problem than men chatting her up in the first place.

Have to go with Shelly on this one Vorbis, there is a huge difference between getting chatted up and doing the chatting up. As Shelly says, intention is the main one. The guy chatting up a girl clearly has an intention in mind. The girl getting chatted up doesnt. She is just getting chatted up. Or do you feel that any girl who is taken shouldnt let anyone talk to her no matter what? Do the "talk to the hand" act every time. You are almost making it sound like she is doing something wrong by being talked to.

Also, since 89.5345% of statistics are made up on the spot I have to question your 90% there. Not in my experience! I find in pubs that the girls are becoming more and more the initiators. When I am in a pub and I am not twisted and talking rubbish I find girls coming up to me every so often asking my name, where im from or do I want a drink and so on and so forth. The idea that the dynamic is the guys do all the chatting up is more than a little out dated.

We do not know the girl in the OP so we can not comment for sure either way. But it is JUST as likely given our lack of date that she is just being open and honest about how her day has gone, than she has any bad motives such as trying to get a rise out of him.

vorbis

well I can only go off my experience, maybe it is changing a bit. I rarely see girls actively approaching guys when I'm out.

Tbh the OP's post is a bit too vague. What Shelly said is perfectly fine. If a girl mentions her bf fairly quickly that's fair enough. However if she waits about 10 - 15 minutes to mention it or never mentions it at all then she is doing the same as a guy chatting a girl up. After all a guy can claim that he's just being sociable no?

If the OP's gf is having half hour chats with guys one on one without mentioning she has a bf then I would personally have a problem with that.

Nah I do not feel the need to mention my girlfriends when a girl is chatting to me either. If it comes up it comes up. I feel no need to blurt it out. We are a social animal, we like to talk and to be talked to.

Not everyone who talks to a girl or a guy in a bar is after something either, thats another point. If I mentioned my girlfriends to everyone who came near me I would probably weird most of them out who would then feel bad thinking I got the wrong idea about their intentions.

However, it is all a case of each to their own. I see no reason to mention my girlfriends when someone chats to me in a bar, unless they clearly make overtures of being interested in THAT way. I also dont care what my girls tell guys in a bar once they stay true to me. If _you_ are bothered by it then thats your right and its not for me to tell you you are wrong.

But do remember one important thing, if a girl and a guy are talking innocently, whether it be for a minute or for 3 hours, and you have a problem with it.... then the only person with the problem IS you. It is your right to feel that way, but no one has to feel guilty for their innocent actions just because their actions arent agreeable to you or how you think things should be.

As you say though, we can all give advice to the OP but like most posts on this area of the forum we DONT have all the data and so we can not really draw conclusions about the girl in question.

MissHoneyBun

OP I think both the reactions of yourself and your girlfriend are normal enough to some extent. By the way I'm referring to being chatted-up here, not just chatting to someone -there's a huge difference.

Of course it's an ego boost to think that somebody finds you attractive or that you're a nice person or whatever. It's very complimentary and people are naturally flattered by compliments.

It's also natural for you to be bothered by this, no-one likes the idea of other people making the moves on their partner. Humans are naturally territorial so it's understandable to feel a bit jealous too.

However, I think moderation is the key here. Moderation and respect. Your girlfriend needs to respect the relationship that she's in and make it known that she is unavailable. Anything else is simply being a pr**k tease, which is not fair to you or the poor sucker who's putting in the spade work by chatting her up.

I'd have a chat with her about it because to be honest, she sounds quite insecure as she seems to need validation from others in order to feel good about herself. Tell her you enjoy being chatted-up too, her reaction will be revealing. You can take it from there then.

LegacyUser

Not trying to discount the other posters opinions here OP but I would be very wary of this situation.
Can only speak from personal experience and the experience of friends but there is a huge difference between a girl who draws male attention and a girl who "loves getting chatted up".
I've dated girls who have a lot of guys approach them, but simply dimiss their advances.
However, I have also dated girls who not only seem to relish in having strange men hang out of them but also seem to actively encourage it!

At the end of the day it really depends on you as a person. I am an insanely jealous man so this sort of thing easily riles me up. But if your comfortable with it then I don't see any harm.

DamoKen

Deleted User wrote: »

We do not know the girl in the OP so we can not comment for sure either way. But it is JUST as likely given our lack of date that she is just being open and honest about how her day has gone, than she has any bad motives such as trying to get a rise out of him.

I think you maybe missing a few key statements from the OP. Being open and honest about your day is one thing, but to make predictions on how it would be going if you were not there is another.

Unregistered wrote: »

if I wasn't with her there would be lots of guyd coming over trying to pull her...

Seriously if my girlfriend said that I would not be impressed, that's like me saying I could shag any girl in this pub, consider yourself the lucky one. Past girlfriends have told me of guys chatting them up when out on a girls night and personally I have no problem with that. I'm attracted to her so it's only natural some other guys will be as well. Not having a problem with it comes down to trust. I don't think the OP has trust issues, I would think he just doesn't like the reminder of what a lucky boy he is shoved in his face on a frequent basis which is totally understandable.

Getting chatted up can and is an ego boost, but the last thing I would ever do to someone I care about is to tell them I love it! If I'm happy and secure with someone I don't need that type of validation to shore up my ego. It sounds like the OP's other half does. That would concern me. Being flattered by attention from the opposite sex is normal whether or not you're in a relationship. Telling your partner someone tried to chat you up is normal. Being in a happy relationship where you feel secure and yet feeling the need to say over and over you love attention from random strangers is not imho. Apart from that it's not the nicest thing to say to someone you care about.

Unregistered wrote: »

My gfriend of 10 months has told me that she loves getting chatted up out in pubs n clubs..she says it's a big ego boost...

She says however that that's it she just likes getting chatted up and would never do ought else for an ego boost (if you know what I mean..)

LegacyUser

Just to add fuel to the fire here...

She appears to have low self esteem issues, she actually told me so yesterday.. (dunno why cos she is lovely..) she has repeatedly said that she loves chatting to anybody anytime and loves the attention of guys she gets when she's out...I would imagine that she in no way indicates that she's unavailable...Even from the early days she was telling me about how all these guys always come over and chat her up...

EXAMPLE (that really pissed me off..) we were out in town recently..a group of us but I only barely knew a few of them...myself herself and her friends BF (whom she has repeatedly said is LOVELY..) were chatting when suddenly they were yapping away right in front of me (to the exclusion of me....) I stood there as they yapped (looking at the ceiling..) for about 5-8 minutes until I got p!ssed off and went to loo and then outside for a while .. when I came back they were still there chatting away and noticing me walking over I was greeted with 'I didnt even know you were gone.....'

When I explained and said I thought she had been very rude in just excluding me she lost the plot...so my point is that even when I'm there beside her she just forgets about me / dismisses me....

LegacyUser

OP here again......I just remembered something else LOL

On our first 'date' she ended up away from me chatting to guys from UK over on a stag...........I'd forgotten all about that....................

BaZmO*

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here again......I just remembered something else LOL

On our first 'date' she ended up away from me chatting to guys from UK over on a stag...........I'd forgotten all about that....................

So on the first date you kinda knew what you were getting into

NickNolte

She's emotionally immature and stupid. She's not ready for a relationship and will drag you down. Take a zeo tolerance approach. Dump her. Today.

LegacyUser

NickNolte wrote: »

She's emotionally immature and stupid. She's not ready for a relationship and will drag you down. Take a zeo tolerance approach. Dump her. Today.

This could be an option :-)

She's off to see a councillor tonite re her unhappiness and low self esteem.........................................................Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh




Love theusername BTW

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

should I be concerned?

I think you should. I know/have known a few girls like your girlfriend. They all eventually cheated (or regularly cheated) on their partner.

Think of it like this -

If your girlfriend needs male attention when she's in good form, what is she going to be like after a huge fight or when she's feeling very low?