would sir care for some political satire??

deepriver

Tourism Board Announces New National Icon: Bertiecronie

Today the Tourism Board announced plans to decommission the iconic leprechaun image and to replace it after aeons of un-pensionable service and with no golden handshake. Yes its true, after years of rife greed, cronyism, nepotism and no-touch regulation in Irelands political and commercial institutions, the Tourism Board have decided our international profile needed to be updated with a more contemporary and believable theme and in a bid to reinvigorate the tourism industry seen as an important revenue source to a flagging economy.

Suitably they have chosen the property developer come Fianna Dail lobbyist to convey the characteristics, attitudes and beliefs of the Irish tribe currently in the ascendancy. So replacing the tiny stature of the leprechaun will be the Michelin man styled fat-cat complete with beer-belly, grotesque stubby soft hands, double chin and standing at an imposing six foot one including bad posture hump developed from years propping up a desk.

Meet The Bertiecronie...

Named after that most mythical of Irish figures, Bertie Ahern; the man that that was so cunning he could develop a career unhindered under the tyrant-in-chief that was Charles ‘Chemise’ Haughey, so transient in his dealings, as Finance Minister he never actually was associated to a single bank account, with mystical magical powers and with zero accountability he could assimilate a cabinet dossier sized bundle of bribe filled brown envelopes into his own personal wealth with no physical paper trail evidence remaining, and single handed could destroy an economy, to please property developers and bankers while appearing relaxed and jovially attending a Man U game, Bass-in-hand.

Expect to see little plastic figurines and trinkets with uncanny resemblance to the real thing hit the shelves of tourist shops soon. But unlike the real thing an audience with this souvenir won’t cost you the price of land rezoning deal in North County Dublin, R.R.P is much more palatable and about the same price as crossing a barrier free M50 with a small fine.

According to the Tourism Board, just like his leprechaun counterpart, the Bertiecronie will be mischievous and ill-natured with a mind for cunning. And just as the green and gold associated is with the pint-sized leprechaun, this new icon will carry the Fianna Dail colours. And instead of a pot of gold, he will have several thousand pots of gold, both in off-shore accounts and hidden through a network of multi-layered bank accounts making it impossible to trace the gold back to its owner and then claim it, if lets say you catch one of these fellows red handed and engaging in an illegal and inappropriate act.

However you wont find these barrel-chested brownies frolicking in fields or weaving in and out of dense Irish scrub. No-no-no, they are much more likely to be found in a hotel adjacent to the Dail (they have a walking range of 50 metres per day, multiply that by 100000 to find their defense force helicopter range) or at political rallies located in open-top trailers, or very rarely, in a leafy patch of tranquil countryside, fully rezoned and just before the bulldozers roll in and turn it into a shopping centre, with mixed residential and commercial planning permission.

Bertiecronies, don’t live in holes in the ground, up trees or in ancient crumbling stone structures adjacent to deep and dark meandering rivers either, no not at all, they are much more affluent and typically can be found dwelling in eight bedroom mansions located in pleasant tree lined suburban estates close to major road infrastructure so they can quickly shoot out of their garage-caves with high powered luxury motor vehicles and at any time access their pots of gold. They are reputed to have home running expenses in excess of 4,000 gold coins a week, to pay for what is considered a necessity in the world of the Bertiecronie, under floor and hot-tub heating. Manly due to their poor bodily circulation as these big cuddly loveable creatures typically suffer from gout, induced from consumption of large quantities of fillet steak and chateau Margaux courtesy of the taxpayer. Coincidentally and by no surprise, by this same token it’s not uncommon for the Bertiecronie to have health and life insurance up to a value of 42,000 gold coins per year, according to the Tourism Board.

Look out for these mythical beasts and you might be lucky to catch a glimpse of one, in full flight mobile phone in chubby hand, bulging brown envelopes swirling and trailing in their back draft, expensive suit crumpled and food stained from luxury car leather and duck a l’orange, glazed rabid look fixed in eye with next land deal in mind, cronies in tow creating an artificial kind of parasol deflecting the ultra-violent rays of life’s realities for the honest-toiling and tax compliant citizen.

And where is the real Bertie to be seen now? Well its true to say that while he is not in the thick of mystical and magical dealings that line non-existent and off-shore bank accounts with little gold coins, he sits nonchantly and bored at the further demise of the nation through oppressive and onerous taxation policy from the back benches of the Dail, surely plotting his next assault on the Irish economy and formulating ways to further line his already bulging pockets and those of his immediate family and friends.

Richy165

Are you entering that into the Swift Satire competition?

deepriver

Richy165 wrote: »

Are you entering that into the Swift Satire competition?

I wasnt aware of that competition, quickly googled it and found this site http://www.swiftsociety.com/index.html but it doesnt seem to have been updated since 2007?