My son's (probable) rejection by his dad?

LegacyUser

I've used these boards before but have gone unreg for this one.

Really, really appreciate anyones help/advice on this one. I won't bore anyone with the details but after a three year relationship, I got pregnant and my ex decided he didn't want a child. So he left - or I was forced to leave, whichever way you want to look at it. You've heard the story before - I tried (in vain) while I was pregnant, to get him to acknowledge the pregnancy, i lived in denial for about the first two years of my sons life - just couldn't believe that he couldn't, or wouldn't acknowledge his son.

Anyway we're 9 years on now and it's myself and my son and we're doing great. He's a great kid, does well in school, great at footie etc. Obviously, he asks about his dad here and there and I'm as honest as a girl can be - without going into too much detail. So far, I don't think he has been 'affected' by not having his dad around, but I guess time will tell. My own father dotes on him and my 2 brothers are like surrogate dads, taking him to footie etc so he;s had male role models from the start.

So he's involved in a 'peer support group' for kids like him - who don't know their dads for one reason or another (death/divorce or just the fact that their dads are a**holes like his dad - sorry, I'm off topic..) and they have suggested that he writes to his dad this week. Just by way of introduction etc. He seems to really want to do this but unknown to him, I've written to his dad every year for the past 9 years and never got a reply. I only ever say, here's a recent photo if you would like to see him. Nada. Zilch.

So my son thinks if he writes his dad will write back. Not gonna happen.

How do I prepare him for this rejection? Or do I even encourage him to write this letter, knowing there will be no reply. I'm at a loss on this one. On one hand, I think yeah, let him write it and I'll support him when he doesn't get an answer. On the other hand, I'm think why would I knowingly put my son in this situation, getting him to write a letter that will go unanswered????

And before anyone says it, trust me, his dad will not reply. He has completely and utterly decided that he doesn't want to be involvd in his life. So there will be no reply.

Femelade

Can you take up this issue with the people who are incharge of this "Peer Group"...surely they would have some sound advice for you, given they have probably seen this happen before.

herya

First of all, kudos to you for coping with situation so well. Your son sounds like a great kid.

I'd allow him to write the letter but I'd work really hard to prepare him for the silence he'll get in return. You can probably discuss it with the support group - how to explain to him that not receiving any reply does not refer to him (your son) as a person but to the situation and his father's choices etc. I think that trying to contact the father himself will show him that it's not you who blocks the access if he ever had such ideas, it is indeed his father's choice but your son still has your love and support whatever he decides to do.

LegacyUser

I agree with the other posters. I think you shoud allow him to send the letter. otherwise he may blame you for not being able to contact his father. I would speak to the peer group and ask them for advice. I would also explain to him that his father might not write back and make sure he knows that this is nothing to do with him. I think you should be as honest as you can be with him and talk through the letter with him and his feelings so he feels like he can come to you.

If his father does not reply - he will know you helped him to try and later in life that will mean a lot to him.

smileyhappy

herya wrote: »

I think that trying to contact the father himself will show him that it's not you who blocks the access if he ever had such ideas, it is indeed his father's choice but your son still has your love and support whatever he decides to do.

+1


this may be a terrible idea, so slate and berate it if it is, I'm not a parent and have never been in that sit.

Why not let him write it but not post it for a while. Let him keep it under his pillow for a month or so, to literally sleep on it. if he still wants to send it after a while, then post it for him. But maybe it'd be enough for him at this young age just to put everything down onto paper that he wants to tell his dad?

LegacyUser

Thanks for that - it's the peer group who are encouraging him to write the letter! I'm guessing he discusses issues about his dad with them more than he would with me - we talk about his dad but I never really initiate the conversations - I answer any questions he has (without telling the truth!) as best I can.
Thanks for the compliment, yes he's a great kid - I'd love ten more of him!

How do I prepare him for the silence though - it's difficult to explain to a 9yr old that the reason your dad isn't answering is not because of you...I vaguely remember being 9 and I know I would have believed it was because of me!!

I really want to deal with this issue before it escalates for him and actually becomes a bigger problem...so what should he say in the letter..hi, I'm your son...???

herya

herya wrote: »

First of all, kudos to you for coping with situation so well. Your son sounds like a great kid.

I'd allow him to write the letter but I'd work really hard to prepare him for the silence he'll get in return. You can probably discuss it with the support group - how to explain to him that not receiving any reply does not refer to him (your son) as a person but to the situation and his father's choices etc. I think that trying to contact the father himself will show him that it's not you who blocks the access if he ever had such ideas, it is indeed his father's choice but your son still has your love and support whatever he decides to do.

+ 1

I agree you should check with the "group" who've encouraged your son to write to him. Presumably they have experience and a certain reasoning behind him doing this. It may be that other kids have had positive outcomes from doing this or it may be that it's only for closure for your son.

It sounds like you've done really well by him and if it all goes pear-shaped you'll be there for him, hope it all works out for both of you.

gorilla_image

You don't mention any paternaity testing or DNA proof. If you had this you could force his father to acknowledge his fatherhood in court.

Rob_l

Definetly go to the peer group and see what advice they have for you.


My own Advise from being the son is, every child especially sons, who don't have a father at least needs to be able to have the dream of a father in their head, at nine he is way to young to deal with the harsh reality that his father doesn't care there is plenty of time for the horribleness of the world later on. He may not talk to you or say anything but Im sure he has the3dreams of his father riding back to him full of love and doesn't need that dream smashed about him so I would as gently as possible try to dissaude him from writing that letter but never at a cost to your relationship, dont end up with him feeling like you wont let him do it.

Its good that your brothers and father are involved young boys need responsible males to guide them through life, mainly becasue we know everything they are thinking years before they even get to think it.

Good luck OP

LegacyUser

why would she force him in a court? I dont think she wants him in their lives but doesnt want her son to get hurt. If she forced him he would resnt her and the child which could only be a bad thing for the child

Rob_l

gorilla_image wrote: »

You don't mention any paternaity testing or DNA proof. If you had this you could force his father to acknowledge his fatherhood in court.

I dont think thats what the OP wants or needs she is doing this because her son wants a father not becasue she needs him to do anything, from the Original post it looks like she is doing well but the boy is just getting curious.

LegacyUser

There's no need for dna testing - he's his father alright - that's never been an issue - we've been to court and I get court ordered maintenance. That's really not the issue. Unfortunately in Ireland, there is no such thing as court ordered access on behalf of the child. A judge can only force the child to see the parent, if the parents wants access. Not if the child wants access.

I do like the idea of him literally 'sleeping' on it, but what if this letter under his pillow becomes some obsession with him??? Not a nice idea for a kid to go to bed every night with that thought...will he/won't he? It might actually turn it into a bigger issue than I'd hoped it would be for him.

You're right - I don't want anything from his dad. I just would like my son to know him. There's some convention or law (I'm not great on this type of thing) about the rights of the child and the fact that every child (in ireland anyway) has the right to know it's parents (it's a UN Convention I think).

I once wrote to someone asking them, could I, as my sons legal guardian, bring his dad to court (on behalf of my son) and force him to see his son - as per the UN Convention, my child had a right to know him. I was told I probably could, but it could take years of battling and could end up in the EU law courts...I didn't pursue it!

Today he told me if he met his dad, did I think he'd bring him for a game of golf???? He was deadly serious. it's just all so simple to him I think- he writes the letter and dad comes into his life..

Reflector

tough one,
I'd say though that kids aren't as soft as you think. You'll have to tell him some day that his dad has not wanted to be a part of his life. Better he deals with it sooner than later.
I also think it's quite irresponsible for that group to encourage the kids to write letters to fathers.
What if one of the fathers was a violent alcoholic or an abuser. I'd be fuming. Hope this works out OP.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Obviously, he asks about his dad here and there and I'm as honest as a girl can be - without going into too much detail.

Unregistered wrote: »

Today he told me if he met his dad, did I think he'd bring him for a game of golf???? He was deadly serious. it's just all so simple to him I think- he writes the letter and dad comes into his life..

Sigh ... I completely agree with how you've coped with things so far but it's beginning to look like you need to be a little more honest with your son, he clearly has no idea of what he's letting himself in for.

I would also bite the bullet and ring your ex and tell him what's going on ... on the positive side it would be wonderful (for your son) if by now your ex has reached a place where he could actually build a relationship with his child ... on the negative side it would be good for you to know exactly what his reaction would be in advance, so to speak.

I know (believe me) how hard it will be to do this but it would be good to have the whole picture before you start preparing your son for this possible rejection.

Splendour

Unregistered wrote: »

So he's involved in a 'peer support group' for kids like him - who don't know their dads for one reason or another (death/divorce or just the fact that their dads are a**holes like his dad - sorry, I'm off topic..) and they have suggested that he writes to his dad this week. Just by way of introduction etc. He seems to really want to do this but unknown to him, I've written to his dad every year for the past 9 years and never got a reply. I only ever say, here's a recent photo if you would like to see him. Nada. Zilch.

Hi unreg, well done to you for how you've handled the raising of your son.

Can I ask you about this support group and the writing of the letter. Did they run it by you first before they put this idea in your son's head?

Evil-p

Well done for being such a good mum first of all. It sounds like you have really fought as hard as you could for this man to be in your sons life (Calling him a father would be a stretch).

What about the extended family on the other side? Does your sons grandparents know of your sons existance and would they prehaps acknowledge him? I know of a situation myself were a childs father will not spend time with his daughter however his parents are wonderful and it does go some way to fill the void.

I think no matter how you handle this your little man will get hurt and he will get angry as he gets older, but he'll recover.

Tell your son a hundred times a day that you love him and how special he is. Bu the sounds of it he has the support to see this through!

LegacyUser

I think you may have misunderstood the first few posts - yes, the support group are the ones encouraging him to write the letter (strange thing to do I would have thought, just a blanket approach that they should write to varying circusmtances, but that's neither here nor there), but that's why you should go to them with these questions and with the information you've given us, as they'll be able to help you with advice as to how you can cope with the inevitable disappointment.

Also, bear in mind you sons reaction ("will he take me to play golf" and that it's all so simple) is because he doesn't know any better, not because he's made some kind of imaginary tie or is dependent on this being a success. He's presuming it's that easy, but no more than any other mundane thing to a child, and getting past it may not be as complex as you expect.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

How do I prepare him for the silence though - it's difficult to explain to a 9yr old that the reason your dad isn't answering is not because of you...I vaguely remember being 9 and I know I would have believed it was because of me!!

You've done great with your son. He knows he's loved by you and your family. Continue to show him that and he will be fine.

I really want to deal with this issue before it escalates for him and actually becomes a bigger problem...so what should he say in the letter..hi, I'm your son...???

Let him write whatever he wants.
Point out to him that his Dad could have moved away and might not get the letter.
At least that way he's prepared.
I find it strange that they group he attends would suggest such a thing.
Is it not just setting the children up to be disappointed?

LegacyUser

Hi all, it's the OP. Firstly, thanks so much for replies to date, it's really helping.

Yes, the support group have put the idea in his head - it's a group session with other kids from school (it's run in school) for children dealing with seperation/bereavement or estrangement from parents. I think they just put these ideas's 'out there' for the kids to see how they feel about it. DS came home telling me about the idea that was mentioned that day...I think he was more trying to gauge my reaction than to ask for my permission. I'm sure he says more in the group than he does to me - he knows that his dad broke it off with me when I was pregnant because he wasn't ready to be a dad. He knows that hurt me. And I think that he's sometimes reluctant to bring up the subject again in case it hurts me.

He's told a million times a day how much I love him and just slightly off topic, he's the most lovable child you'll ever meet (but I'm his mam, and OF COURSE I'll say that!!). I'm just delighted with how he's turning out.

anyway, yes his other family know of his existence and could have contacted me if they'd wanted. He has aunts/uncles, cousins and grandparents on that side (no grandparents on my side unfortunately) but they have never made contact.

I also mentioned that I have written to his dad a few times over the years and have never gotten a reply. I've also written to his dads ex wife as my son also has a half-sister, but she didn't reply either. You may think I'm insane writing to these people, but I've only ever written a one liner - heres my sons contact details if you'd like to see him. That's it.

I often wonder what went through these peoples minds when they opened those notes...???

Susannahmia

Hey op I grew up in a very similar situation to your son and my heart goes out to him. My parents separated before I was born and my father never tried to see me. My mother wrote a yearly letter too but got no response.

I remember insisting on making him a fathers day card when I was about seven and being absolutely devastated when I didn't get a response. To be honest that experience has discouraged me from ever bothering again and I still hold a lot of resentment. I'm guessing it was the rainbow group that your son is in? To be honest all that group did for me was to bring up issues that I wasn't even aware of before but that's just my opinion.

Even though I went through it I don't know whether I would have liked my mother to have stopped me or not, it was a learning process but an extremely hard one to go through. If he does send it prepare him for the let down and don't give him any false hope about getting an answer.

My only advice would be to emphasise the male relationships that he does have in his life and stress how much these men care for him and how they fill the role of a father in his life much more than someone who happens to be his sperm donor. Explain to him that there is more to being a father than that and maybe have his grandad and uncles spend a little extra quality time with him.

Maybe when he sees how many great father figures he has in his life already he will realise that he doesn't need his father after all.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Well done for being such a responsible person, I never had a dad and my mother left me when i was 18, if i had one of you i would have been very happy, you are doing everything right with your son and are very compassionate to his needs, Sounds like you sorted the money issue with the father have your son surrounded by family and have him in a good school, he seems to also have given you a happier life since he has been in it, this is a great thing.

Something i have learned is that we each have a challenge in our lives to over come, this is his challenge in life, if we can learn from these challenges they give us a deeper meaning of who we are and what life is about, this will strengthen him as a person, there will come a time when he will need to deal with rejection but the thing is not to try take away this experience or feel guilty about it, it is through mourning it that he will move on,

I would let him send the letter and when he does not reply, maybe explain to him that some kids only have one parent and that it is not because his dad does not love him, but because he lives in another place.

I was told a lot very young, i had a half sister who i knew about from as far as i can remember and it was never a surprise to me, the half sister was never told and she found out about us later and was very angry,

I would suggest showing your son how you deal with your emotions, the more he sees this the more he will know it is ok to express them.


Either way i think you are a great parent and have given him a great start in life, you will get through this together as you always have!

LegacyUser

OP here. You know, you kinda know you're doing a good job parenting when you can see your kid turning into a lovely human being right before your eyes. It's lovely to hear people here, commenting on the fact that I'm a 'good parent'. It's not often anyone has said that to me - I guess we rarely compliment people on their parenting skills, it's just an assumption that we're all good parents. But thanks alot for the compliments - they really mean alot.

So I had decided to try to change the subject with my son yesterday, I figure he's not quite (emotionally) ready to deal with 'waiting for the postman everyday'. He's quite immature, probably because he's a bit of a mammy's boy but hey, what can I say! Anyway, he did mention the 'letter' once, but I explained to him (with advice from here) that some kids only have one parent and that's ok and that if his dad didn't write back, how would he feel etc. We had a good chat and at the end of it, he just said 'Ah maybe I won't write it till I'm 12'

Everything is 'when I'm 12' these days because he knows we'll talk about the 'facts of life' when he's 12. I've been telling him that since he's 6!!!

So once again, thanks for input and advice. I'm also telling teacher that he won't be going to that support group again for the forseeable. While it's well-meaning etc, I know it has definitely created problems for him, that he genuinely didn't have before he began attending.

kmick

Unregistered wrote: »

Today he told me if he met his dad, did I think he'd bring him for a game of golf???? He was deadly serious. it's just all so simple to him I think- he writes the letter and dad comes into his life..

As a Dad that breaks my heart OP. Poor little fella. I mean everyone should want to see their son I can't understand it. If it were me I think I would have a chat with him about his dad. Instead of him initiating a question why dont you sit down and just tell him as much of the truth as possible around how he didnt want to be part of you and your sons life. You dont have to give any reasons just say you dont know why. Hard situation I hope for your sons sake the dad has a chnage of heart. One thing you could do which is a little sneaky is also send the letter to the guys parents if they are around and have an influence. Do they see him at all?

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

I once wrote to someone asking them, could I, as my sons legal guardian, bring his dad to court (on behalf of my son) and force him to see his son - as per the UN Convention, my child had a right to know him. I was told I probably could, but it could take years of battling and could end up in the EU law courts...I didn't pursue it!

Dangerous precedent if it could be fought successfully - which I would doubt. After all, it would potentially allow for children who are adopted to do the same thing with their biological parents, and open up challenges on the question of inheritance.

Just because adoption is legal and catered for, does not make it any less (even if for altruistic reasons) an abdication of parental responsibilities chosen by one or both parents, without the consent of the child in question.

LegacyUser

Thanks Corinthian and I guess you're right that adoptive children could (in theory) 'force' their parents to acknowlege them in some way. And OF COURSE the even simpler question is 'Why would you want to force someone to acknowlege their son' as in, why would you want that person in your sons life???

Well obviously, you wouldn't. And I don't. But I've tried so hard over the past 9yrs NOT to take my own feelings into account here and I've done a good job of it (I think!) and now, I'm trying to put my own feelings aside and think of this child, who will himself become a man someday, and deal with his rejection. I recently (finally) accepted that I can't feel my childs pain. I thought the pain I'd felt over this situation over the years was my child's you see. But I've accepted now that it was my own pain. My son can only feel his own pain, and hopefully, dealing with his dads rejection, will mould him into a better man.

I didn't have a very good mother myself and I know that I try to be the opposite to her. Having said that, she was of a different generation and again, I've accepted lately that she did the best she could, with the knowledge she had. Not that that's necessarily acceptable of her treatment of me, but it helps me understand her more. And I try to be a better mother BECAUSE of her.

My hope is my son will be the best father he can be, in SPITE of his own dad.

Barking

of his own dad.[/quote]

This man is not a dad. He fathered two children. The Dad is something special in your life and it would seem he has a few people stepping in and out of those shoes. But not this immature and selfish person you left you when you were very vulnerable and in need of support. Your son is maturing so take a deep breath and watch him grow and leave and return and all things healthy