Should I give up or keep trying??? HELP!!

kitty_dillon1@h

Ok I'll try to keep this short.
Boyfriend and I finished 2 weeks ago after 3 and 1/2 years. First 3 years were more than perfect,we spoke about marriage,never fought,were best friends etc..

Last few months we haven't been getting on as well,i feel he's quite distant,not as interested. It all came to a head 2 weeks ago ,I finished it,then regretted it and asked could we sort it out but he said no he needs to be on his own and sort his head out. I'm devastated.

He says he still loves me and all that and i do believe him because i think he's depressed and has been for a long time and as I'm the person closest to him he's pushing me away,he refuses to go to his doctor though.

I just think we are meant to be together,we meant the world to each other. So do i keep trying to sort things out or just leave him and hope he realises what a mistake he's made???

I know I cant make him try again but i just feel so helpless and i just wish I knew what he was thinking!!

HELP!!!

... set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were"

Don't give up, but DO give him the time he's asked for. I would give him a couple of weeks and then arrange to meet him and talk, once the dust has settled. You guys seem to have a connection but there are other circumstances affecting this ... hopefully your connection is strong enough to get you through this.

I wish you both the best

kitty_dillon1@h

Thanks Jackie. I know the best thing to do is give him the time he wants and needs. Maybe i'll leave it a month and text and see if he wants to meet for a chat,if he doesn't he doesn't,at least i'll know i tried.
we lived in each others pockets for the last few years,never a day without contact,the days feel so long now without him

togster

What the above poster said is very true. Maybe your boyfriend needs to find himself again. Give him space, he will respect you more for it in the long run. Sometimes in long term relationships people loose who they really are, this can be exhibited in the form of depression.

I can imagine how much you must miss him, but don't hesitate to let him know you're still around. He seems to be going through other stuff which has affected your relationship and culminated in this break-up, but he says he still loves you and needs time to think things over and it might help if he knows you're there for him but not "in his face" so to speak.

kitty_dillon1@h

Maybe your boyfriend needs to find himself again

That's what someone else said to me too, that you can get so used to being a 'couple' that it can really get to people and they need space. I just hope temporary space is enough for him.
I know eventually I'd get over him but we had the most amazing relationship I just can't imagine my life without him,he even said the same thing to me a few weeks ago, suppose that's why it's such a shock for it to be over.
He always played down the depression so I could never be sure but lately I it's gotten worse. Because we never had big problems I never realised until lately that he doesn't like talking about whats going on with him,he thinks he should be able to sort it out himself i suppose but everyone needs someone to talk to.

but don't hesitate to let him know you're still around

yeah i think ill send a 'how are you' text in a few weeks. he says its not fair to be texting me when it's over so i suppose he doesn't want to give me false hope but i'm tinking about him constantly and am worried about him too

iguana

I find in a situation like this it helps if you can organise something for yourself to keep you occupied. Can you get time off and go visit a friend/relative who lives somewhere abroad? Or maybe organise a break away with a friend, or visit someplace you've always wanted to go, even if you have to go alone? Is there something you've always wanted to do that you can take a night class on?

It will help if you have something completely independent of your relationship to concentrate on. That way you can give him space without torturing yourself too much. And also learn to have a really good time without him, so if things don't work out with him, you have done something to boost your confidence.

kitty_dillon1@h

I know I need to do things to keep busy,but at the moment I just don't have the heart,everything reminds me of him.I have arranged a weekend to visit my sister in a few weeks so that's a start!!
My friends have been great though and i think they're only going to allow me a bit more time to dwell on it before they make me do stuff!
I just find it really hard to pretend I'm ok when I'm not and I can't even pretend to enjoy myself going out when I'm feeling like this

crazzzzy

hey kitty, even though you don't feel like it and might not enjoy it, still get out and do things. it will help you distract your thoughts even for only 5mins. it is very frustrating not knowing what is gonna happen and feeling like you have no control over it.

One option is to make the decision yourself....are you really happy with this relationship? are you holding on in the hope it will go back to the good times?

Im going through something similar at the moment but we havnt broken up. Hes lost his job and smokes a lot of hash so has lost interest in most things in his life. I gave him a few days space few weeks ago after i lost my temper and nearly attacked him. he was delighted to see me after no contact for few days but I see him slipping back again.

I'm trying to be more independant now as we spent too much time together since we started going out and both feel like we are too dependant on each other.

He is also a very private person and wants to sort everything out by himself and won't talk to anyone bout his problems.

Unfortunately we can't change them so unless they gonna sort themselves out then its time to move on. Whats keeping me in the relationship is that i know he is a good kind guy and he still has good spells which gives me hope.

kitty_dillon1@h

One option is to make the decision yourself....are you really happy with this relationship? are you holding on in the hope it will go back to the good times?

Hi crazzzzy. i have asked myself this many times over the last few months. i really was happy with him, a bit unhappy in the last few months at times but every couple have arguments,i thought we would work through it. and we didnt even argue as such.
a typical situation would be i'd suggest us doing something together and he wouldn't seem to interested,he wanted to meet me less and go drinking with his friends more, so i would get annoyed with him and he'd think i was picking at things.

i do think he changed towards me over the last while but i think alot of it was to do with him being down in himself,i would notice changes in his mood and ask him about it and i would want him to make an effort in our relationship and i really think he just doesnt have the heart for much lately. and with his friends i think he could be about to jump off a building and all they would do is offer him a pint!!

so he doesn't have to face any of this when he's with them so he probably thinks it will go away.

i'm not trying to make excuses for him even though it might sound like it but i genuinely think if he got help for his depression we could make a really good go at getting back to how we used to be. but i don't think he will get help until he just can't ignore it anymore,that's the sad thing

crazzzzy

Best thing is try not to let it take over all your thoughts cause thinking it over and over in your head will not solve anything.

The problem is we know we deserve to be treated better and it would be easy to cut ties if the men in question were assholes but they aren't. Or if they said they didn't want to be in the relationship then you could move on.

I wonder do most long term relationship have a stage where theres fighting and doubts and fear of lack of independance. Its my bf longest relationship (before me he'd only had 1 gf of 7mths who'd broken his heart). we are both in our late 20's but in no rush to settle down and have kids as we both want to move abroad in the next few years. My friends in long term relationships all say they had a few months where they were killing eachother but it passed so should we hold on in hope or give up now.

How long is it since you had contact with him? if he has asked for space try give him few days with no contact and get out & do stuff. See then if its him or the relationship you miss...maybe give him a text after a week see how he feeling and if he wants to talk.

kitty_dillon1@h

that's the thing he really is a lovely fella,he has always been so good to me,i always had his undivided attention and it was clear he adored me.

we pretty much never fought for the first 3 years that's how close we were and i wouldn't want us to fight all the time but it is natural to have disagreements. when i asked 2 weeks ago did he think he'd want to try again after some time on his own he said he didn't know how he would feel and how would we know things had changed because we weren't getting on lately. i think because we didn't fight for so long he thinks we're doomed now!!
but we have friends that have screaming matches every night they go out together and they think nothing of it!the next day it's all forgotten about!!!compared to them our bad times are heaven!!

there was a tragedy in his family at the weekend so i was texting him for that and asking would i call to him etc.. but i think he was trying to avoid me because he knew we'd both get quite upset seeing each other again,it was awful the day we broke up,we were both crying our eyes out!
i did see him at the funeral and it made him break down and texting later he said he found he got more upset when he saw people he was so close to like me.

i wouldn't say he's stubborn but i think he could decide it's best we're over and he'll stick to that decision where as i would want to keep trying. i just hope he doesn't set his mind to getting over me!!

i think he would prefer if i didn't text but i find it hard not to after being together for so long

crazzzzy

ya i found it very hard not to text him and was sooo tempted but i knew that would only wreck his head. anytime i got very tempted i would ring my mate how would spend as much time as needed telling me im not a clingy person so stop acting like it!!! you have to look at it like hes probably trying to figure out if he wants the relationship and hes not gonna miss you if you always texting or available. its not all bout playing games cause you use that time to pretend like your single again and get back doing stuff you used to do before.

Do you ever finding yourself not going meeting friends cause your bf is there with you and its too much effort to go out when you've got someone to stay in with? would you have done that while single? i know i got very wrapped up in the relationship without realising it and neglected friends and hobbies but im turning it around now & feel a lot happier.

kitty_dillon1@h

Do you ever finding yourself not going meeting friends cause your bf is there with you and its too much effort to go out when you've got someone to stay in with

yeah i did find myself doing that.i kind of got sick of going out the last few months and saturday night was always our night together so i would stay in with him. tbh i would have gladly spent all my time with him i loved being with him that much,and he used to say he wished we could stay together every night of the week. i didnt neglect my friends though and when they were all going out for something i went out.but i probably depended on him a bit too much and maybe with the way he was feeling it was a bit much for him. and when i was single i was out every weekend because i hated staying in!!!

I just keep thinking what if he's happier without me and he's thinking he will get over me so it's done and dusted. and i know if that's the case then there's nothing i can do but i hate thinking that.

when i finished it he didn't try to persuade me not to and he seems fairly definite it's over.i'm just finding that really hard to get my head around. even though a week or 2 ago i asked him if he could tell me 100% for definite that we were over for good and he would not want to try again after some time apart and he said he couldn't because he didn't know what he would want after the time apart.

a couple of weeks before we finished we were still talking about getting a place during the summer and we had this same problem a few weeks before we finished when he was saying he didn't know what he wanted. I aked him could he imagine his life without me in it and he said no that was the problem.
it's just so hard to understand. i might need to face up to the fact that maybe he just doesn't want to be with me anymore.

crazzzzy

Do you really believe it is over? If you do then you need to move on and start grieving for the relationship, getting angry at him, etc. Do you think you might just be panicking and if you gave him space for a few weeks and did some thinking yourself about what you want and where you think its gone wrong, you might see things differently?

I don't have the answers unfortunately. I seem to be great at helping other people but cant sort out my own

Do you think you'd be happier being with him for the next 6months and not getting on or spending 6 months getting over the relationship and hopefully ready to start afresh with someone else. I'm asking cause maybe you need to make the decision yourself and not let him call all the shots.

Do you see a solution for the problems ye had? How miserable has he been making you feel? Is it worth it?

kitty_dillon1@h

well as its stands now it's over,according to him like.

I'm just finding it really hard to believe that it could be.I'm really hoping that after some time on his own he will want to get back together but i really don't know what's going on in his head so he may be setting his mind to being on his own and getting over me.
i honestly don't think i'll be happy with anyone else because i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with him,thats what we both thought!!we were so good together.
but if he doesn't want to try again now or in a few weeks or whenever there's nothing i can do to change that. I just really think we could sort things out and get back to how we used to be but i can't make him see that.
i don't think i'm going to contact him again (well i'm going to try not to) and hopefully he will realise what a mistake he's made and he'll want to get back together!!
even though we weren't getting on as well i feel the break up was so sudden and i don't feel like we've had any closure.
thanks for the advice i really appreciate it

crazzzzy

no problem....im sorta in the same boat myself so know how you feel. You will probably be ok with no contact for few days then feel like breaking. Have you any good friends you could explain whats goin on to? Just tell them you could really do with support and is it ok to call them when you need distracting. Also take every invite you are given and try to put on a happy face and talk to people.

Have you been through a break up before? I know it doesn't seem like it now but it does get easier and your life will get back on track. Yes you will have miserable days but you'll also be getting your independence back and have time to do new things, maybe even take up a new hobby. its important to keep the mind busy so it can't be taken up with thoughts of him.

I feel that I wouldn't be as happy with someone else but I also don't wanna be with someone whos constantly in doubt. It would be easier if the last few months had been nearly all bad but it hasn't yet so im torn cause its so good when hes in good form. Hes just so bored with life at the moment cause hes no work and has being spending all his time at home alone or with me. Hes making more of an effort to get out & see friends now but he thinks im pissed off cause we not together 24/7. We are goin away for few days next week with some friends so for me its gonna be make or break time after that cause its not healthy spending so much time worrying about a relationship.

kitty_dillon1@h

that's the way i had been thinking when i finished it,it can be so draining when things aren't going good but we still had great times in the last few months.but at times when we both said we would make a real effort to make things better i felt he made less of an effort,but when i finished it it was because i just didn't know what else to do,i really never thought we would be over so it's still such a shock.
my friends are being great,i still just need to be on my own to let it sink in i think but they'd be there in a flash if i rang them. one of the girls said to send her the text instead when i feel like texting him!!

he was my first serious relationship and so first break up.im 25 and he's 27 so we're not kids like. he's the first man i've ever trusted 100% and ever been in love with and i just can't imagine my life without him.but as time goes on if i don't hear from him i'll know he doesn't want me in his life.
i hope you and your boyfriend sort things out.just try all you can before you end it and at least will know you did try if it doesn't work out

crazzzzy

Kitty, everyone is different and has different ways of dealing with things. I've been through a break up after long term relationship before so I guess im more prepared if the worst happens. Only difference is id fallen outta love that time and was cheating and sick of the relationship so the heart wasn't too badly bruised.

The reason im still in the relationship is cause I feel its worth trying but sometimes im not sure if im fooling myself. the less thinking time i have the better coz my mind runs away with itself!

Its good you've got mates for support....use them now and don't feel bad coz everyone goes through this at some point.

Im not gonna give you the "He'll probably change his mind in few days" line cause I don't think you need to hear that from me. If you need to chat or vent over the next few weeks PM me

kitty_dillon1@h

thanks a million, i will. hopefully it will work out for both of us!!!fingers crossed