How is this happening?

LegacyUser

So, I'm with this girl one night while drunk, I meet her in the chipper. I'm attracted to her and she's probobly the nicest soundest most down to earth girl I've ever met.

So I see her a few more times.I don't think about her during the day or any of that(until just recently) and consequently she was always the one who'd txt or call me.

So, I'm meeting up with her which is nice, I like being around her, she's good craic and she came out to see me one day, I live maybe an hour away.

I'm completely relaxed with her.She live's in a place where i have lots of friends and I love goin' out there and havin' the craic etc. Now though if I go there I have to meet her and I get the feeling it would really wrong of me to kiss anyone else. My friends tell me I should go out with her and I'm like ****!.

It's become very clear all of a sudden that we might be getting into something/already in something. If I back out now she'll hate me and if that happened I'd be pretty sad, she's like the nicest girl ever.

I mean I'd happily live with this girl she's so sound and i can be in her company for 36 hours without feeling like I want to run away.

But still, I know that if I was with her it would really only be because I don't want to hurt her and because I like hanging out.She's great craic and ridiculously nice.

Now it probably doesn't surprise people that I haven't ever been in a relationship and I'm beggining to understand why a little. Maybe I just don't want one maybe not ever.Maybe it's just some social construct that we're supposed to feel we want.

I don't really know but I've met like an almost perfect match who I don't really want to go out with. Like I get the feeling with her that you get when you first meet a future best friend......basically you can say whatever you think straight away because you're thought patterns are so similar.It's almost like finding what you always wanted and then not wanting it anymore.

I don't really know what to do. Friends say I should just see what happens. However another friend of mine just broke up after a two year relationship and he just explained to me how much harder it gets to break up, the longer you leave it. 'see what happens' could be just digging a hole. However the other issue is that I didn't really like her at all in the beginning and now I think she's great. She's really growing on me.I don't know I'm very confused, i don't want to hurt her.
How did this happen?

Victor

What has she said? Do you want to ask her how she feels?

legal eagle 1

It sounds to me like there's no chemistry there between ye and thats not good, it could develop overtime but it might not either.
You seem adamant that you dont wanna go out with her so dont, you'll only end up hurting her if you do and leading her on.
Is it clear that she wants to be more than just friends? maybe she's feeling the same as you! Remain friends with her but if your feelings arent there dont go any further than friends because you'll only confuse matters for her.
Maybe the two of you are just meant to be really really good friends and we all need one of those in our life

star-pants

If you really like her and vice versa there's no harm trying it out, you say you've not been in a relationship before.
I understand someone coming out of a relationship broken saying that it only gets harder, this is true,but it's the risk we take being with someone we like.

does she want to be exclusive?
do you only want to be with her because you don't want to hurt her, or are you with her cuz you like her?

AngryBadger

Honeslty from what you've posted here it sounds like this girl fits perfectly into your life, and yet you're not particularly interested in having a relationship with her. If it happened you'd probably go along with it since it would fit perfectly with the way ye already socialise, and yet I don't feel that there's any drive for that relationship from your side.

You're talking about this as if it's a foregone conclusion, and yet you don't really seem to know how you feel.

If I'm wrong and you do have feelings for her then go for it. But if I'm right and you're only considering this because it seems like the normal thing to do then I wouldn't bother.

Alternatively you could just go out with her for the craic, have some fun, and then break up with her, but the friendship you feel exists will be obliterated by that.

LegacyUser

Well, the problem with confronting her about the whole subject is that I'd like to have my own mind made up about what I want before I enter the conversation.

Thing is that she doesn't perfectly fit into my life or anything. i'm very busy all the time and I often have to put myself under pressure to go and see her and such.

And I have this inkling that the reason I'm starting to like her more and more could be a biological thing, just due to the fact that we sleep together.

Sometimes I feel like saying something if I've had a few drinks and it's just on the tip of my tongue but I know it's pure lust. It's really starting to get to me, all those little moments when we're close, little did I know they'd be working away like beavers in my sub-concious.

Now I think about her before I couldn't have cared and the only reason I'm in this situation is down to her initiative.

Sometimes I was so affectionate and so into her, I'm beginnning maybe to regret that a little now, did I lead her on, did I lead myself on?

God, I wish she was just a bitch or something. She's so nice.To give it some form of context, if I hurt her, I'd feel as bad about myself as I would about some guy if he hurt my sister.

I know she likes me also, just the way she acts, little giveaways and the signs, like the way she'll always contact me which is pretty rare for a girl...........and the day she got a little upset because her friend said that I was using her....I felt so bad because I could argue the logic, she was probably right.

Then I said,''There's no point in us doing this if it's gonna make us both upset, maybe it's best if we just stop meeting up''.

She said not to mind her when she's had a few drinks, she didn't even remember saying it.

I felt pretty **** about that because it was true at that stage, I was only seeing her out of my own convenience.

legal eagle 1

Seriously OP you dont sound like you want a relationship with this girl.....your making up so many excuses, there's nothing in there that spells out that you really wanna be with her. Sleeping with a person can make you feel close to a person on a certain level but theres alot more to a relationship than just that. My advice get out now try and salvage the friendship but maintain it at that nothing else.
If u really wanted this relationship you wouldnt be questioning it!
Good luck with it though whatever you choose

AngryBadger

I didn't realise the two of you were sleeping together, I thought you'd slept with her once and were just friends now.

I think you need to end this because from the way you're talking about it you're a couple, you just haven't admitted it to yourself yet. As has been pointed out sleeping with someone can make you feel closer to them, no big surprise given how intimate even casual sex is.

From what you've said I don't believe you have romantic feelings for this girl. I think you care for her as a friend, but that's all. You don't sound like you're interested in a relationship with her.

ALso;

Unregistered wrote:

her friend said that I was using her....I felt so bad because I could argue the logic, she was probably right.

WTF is this? I'm assuming you're both of at least the age of ocnsent, in which case you're two consenting adults engaging in casual sexual behaviour. Totally normal, totally healthy, and no-one using anyone. If she feels she has feelings for you, and you're not reciprocating then she needs to remove herself from that situation, and that's 100 % her responsibility, not yours.

You definitely don't sound romantically drawn to this girl, you do however have an intimate relationship with her which is causing you a great deal of confusion since you're having trouble seperating your physical response to her from your actual emotions. Unfortunately for her I think that's all there is between ye.

And as regards "leading her on", being nice/friendly to someone isn't leading them on, it's just being nice/friendly, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a muppet. Whatever has transpired between ye, she made her own mind up about it.

michellie

she might not even want to get into a relationship with you!

LegacyUser

michellie wrote: »

she might not even want to get into a relationship with you!

Hopefully, i'll just keep doing what I'm doing so.