OH in treatment - how much should I tell him?

LegacyUser

My OH is currently in residential alcohol treatment and thankfully it's going really well and he is making good progress.

The night before he decided he needed to go in somewhere (he had relapsed after 6 months) was a really difficult night and he became pretty agressive with me. If he hadn't have decided to do something the next day that really would have been it for us and he is aware of this.

Anyway he has no recolection of the night in question and i know he would be heartbroken to realise what had happened. I'm trying to decide should I tell him. Part of me is thinking that if he knows while he is in there then he can process it and discuss it as part of his treatment and come out with a clean slate. Another part of me is questioning my reasons for wanting to tell him - if it is purely for my own benifit then I think i should find another way to deal with my feelings on it. I don't think it is just for me that i'm considering telling him, but I do not want to jepordise his treatment, but nor do I want to whitewash things.

I'm wondering what peoples thoughts are on the matter. At the end of the day I want to support him as best I can.

Thanks

bluecell99

I feel you should tell him.He has to realise what he is like with drink and make a mature choice as to whether to go down that road again or not.He is in the ideal place to see how his behaviour affects others.Fair play to you sticking by him and dont worry about whether this is for you or not.Its his problem - end of.Dont suffer any guilt pangs.You must know deep down that if he doesnt make the right decision not to drink then everyhting is gone - including you.

*Honey*

I would think part of him dealing with his problems is to be honest with himself and others, and for them to be honest with him. He has to face up to the effects of his behaviour - if he doesn't acknowledge the hurts/wrongs he's done because of his behaviour, he cannot be fully well. I would tell him in the therapeutic setting, possibly in discussion with his counsellor. I would feel the need to be honest with him, to have as you've called it a clean slate. What if he gets well and comes home and you are keeping this thing inside of you ... you may resent it in the future and it could all come out in a way that isn't beneficial to either of you.

I believe with all addictions, it's better to be fully up front and honest about everything - every damn little dirty secret and horrifying thing that might have happened.... that way all the issues can be dealt with and everyone can move on.

I would also suggest that you go to some Al Anon meetings which are designed to help family/friends of alcoholics deal with the resulting issues caused by that alcoholism... it could help you move on from whatever happened too.

He needs to heal - in order to do that he needs to acknowledge what he's done, in order to do that, he needs to know what he's done. You need to move on from this and be in a better and healthier place too so you may need to speak up about it and deal with the issue yourself so that you're in a happier/healthier place for when he gets out of treatment.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much.

Yeah I think I know deep down that I do need to tell him about that night - guess I just wanted someone to tell me it was ok!!!

He is really giving his all to the programme and is doing really well, but I suppose for it to really work then he needs to know what happened, what he is capable of - he does have a good insight into his behaviour when drinking but there is nothing to gain I suppose from my protecting him from the worst of it.

And yeah, it has to be better to get it all out in the open now while he has somewhere safe to work through it rather than it coming up at some stage ion the future when it may be more difficult.

Thanks again

The Sweeper

Tell him but keep your account of it factual. Stay calm as you tell him, and relate it moment by moment. Don't leave anything out, and don't exaggerate anything. When you're done with the factual account, you can tell him how you felt, but try to leave that out when telling him what happened.

poindexter

a lot of the residential places have it set up in an almost group setting with the client, a staff member and the partners/spouces/family member, it gives an opportunity for both parties to say what they want and think the other should hear. maybe before telling him all you want to say, you could contact the staff and tell them there's things you would like to say and ask if such a setting could be arranged.

tinkerbell

Tell him what happened - he needs to know, then he'll realise the real gravity of his actions and it may spur him on to keep up with the treatment.

Joey the lips

As a victum you have a right to tell him and should. Remember sometime victums need help as well. This is a failure on the part of families of those with drink problems to realise

Best of luck I hope it all works out

LegacyUser

Thanks so much everyone.

Joey, I get what you're saying but I don't see myself as a victim - I think if I allow myself feel like that it'll be more difficult to move, but yeah, I have been really affected by this and while he has some understanding of this he does need to know the full extent of it.

Unfortunately I don't think this place does do family groups, which is a real shame, cos I would certainly have taken part and feel it would be really beneficial. I'll check it out though, maybe there is some scope for it.

I'm going to visit him today so I'll talk to him then.

Thanks so much again

Nickibaby*

Best of luck OP, as others have said I think you should tell him. It's very good that he is getting treatment and your very good to stick by him through his treatment he is very lucky.

Perhaps talk to the professionals who are treating him as to the best way to go about telling him...

Sinall

It might be a hard thing for you to do, but I believe that part of the healing process for any addict is to face up to their actions. And of course their reasons for their addictions. It will probably be helpful for you both in the long run.

Best of luck with it.

Salome

I think it would be beneficial to him to tell him - to make him realise the effect his drinking will have on your relationship if he didn't take steps to stop drinking.

estar

he needs to face that, not hide from it and make amends.

however, just a summary will do, dont grind it in. most important, how it made you feel, the worry etc.


just like - you came in, you said X i said y, you did this, that and the other. i knew it wasnt how you really feel or believe in behaving, but it was shocking, and next time i will call the guards.

you exist as a person too, and have a right to tell your story even though hes going through a hard time. although he may not have chosen it, and its difficult, he is the architect of the situation. he controls whether he drinks. he needs to realise how serious it is that he doesnt again.

and if he picks a drink up after hearing that story, then it is the equivalent of picking up a weapon then. thats how i view it.

everyone deserves a chance. but treatment means honesty, really.

LegacyUser

Well I talked to him today and it went really well, so thanks for all the advice, it really did help make my mind up and also in the way i told him.

He was really disgusted with himself, and shocked and upset. But he was very thankful that I told him - reckons it'll make him even more committed to making the programme work for him.

It was a good conversation and didn't get too emotional - it wasn't half as difficult as I thought it would be and I knew I was doing the right thing. His reaction was positive - he is in the right place to deal with what I told him and somewhere that he can reflect on it rather than dwell on it, if that makes sense.

I did the right thing telling him so thanks all for helping me with that decision!!!

Salome

I think it was the only thing you could do OP - he needed to hear it and you needed to say it too.

Well done and best of luck in the future .