Troubled Teenager

LegacyUser

I'm very worried about my 15yr old daughter, would really appreciate any advice Sorry this is so long...

I split up from her father a few yrs ago. The break-up was very difficult, with my ex being very abusive, both physically & verbally. Had to call the guards on numerous occasions. My children witnessed things that no child/adult should ever witness. For that I feel incredibly guilty, as i could not protect them from these things. Did bring them to family therapy at the time but my daughter wouldn't talk to counsellor and eventually the counsellor suggested she was too young and maybe leave it for a while. Now I get no support from their father, in fact the little interaction he has with them (the odd phonecall) is very damaging in that he will say the most horrible things to them about me, but they are of an age now that i cannot stop them talking to him.

Since the break-up my daughter has had awful mood swings..which were understandable but over the past couple of years she's getting progressively worse. She has no friends outside of school. I think she is depressed or something, she is failing at school, very agressive towards me, and has started physically attacking me. She refuses to go up to bed, and stays on the sofa most nights, won't get up, won't get dressed. She has no respect for me at all, in that she won't do a thing i ask her.

I have sat her down and talked to her and asked what can i do to help and she say's i don't understand, I have stayed up till all hours talking things through with her and asking if anything has happened to her that she's afraid to tell me, she say's no, she's ok for a day or two and then it's back to this pattern-tells me i am a useless mother/name calling etc.. all the things her dad used to do.

i've tried Fish Oils etc.. and she won't take them.. even if i mix them in her dinner she'll notice problem is she won't do a thing that'll help herself.

I bring her to school (its only way i'll get her in there). Other day's she will refuse to get up. She will Not do her homework, and when teachers ask why, she say's she cannot concentrate, because she has stuff going on at home... Only stuff going on is her behaviour - and the way i've reacted to the name calling etc.. mostly its tears.. but other times i lose the head and scream back. I've been down to school so many times about her I am on a first name basis with them. Shes extremely abusive towards me, and has absolutely no respect for authority figures. e.g. Teachers/Guards-Last year she and a "friend" ran away, and i had guards out looking for them, when we found them, the local guard came to the house to explain the seriousness of using guards time etc.. and she actually roared at him, shouting and cursing at him... she doesn't care. I've tried counselling/Doc's and she refuses to go... I've brought her to our GP who is reluctant to prescribe medication as he feels it's a slippery slope and reckons counselling is the best option. He did prescribe some sleeping tablets for 10day's, because she wasn't sleeping but she stopped taking them as she claimed they were making her hallucinate.

I got her to counselling for a few sessions last year through the HSE but in my personal opinion it was useless as she didn't seem any better for it and eventually refused to go back. So i've tried private counsellors - and still she won't budge.. I can't force her in the door to talk.

She can be fantastic, great fun, considerate, loving - then Boom! she'll turn... She has currently fallen out with girls in her class, and when i asked her about it she turned on me.

Yesterday she attacked her 18yr old sister, and almost broke her fingers, there was all out war, i'm actually not talking to her now (for fear of her starting again) I don't know what to do with her? I have never laid a finger on any of my children, so they are not afraid of me - I guess this is my fault as I did try to make life easier on them after what they went through. I've taken her phone off her she cannot get onto internet other than that i don't know how to make her see the consequences of her actions. I have laid down rules but she refuses to abide by them.. and it's back to the name calling/threats. Then she's extremely remorseful and cries her eyes out.

I am really worried about her - she's a very bright child and its heartbreaking that she's like this, she blames the break-up for the way she is. Worse still she is blaming me for the break-up. I want to help her, and will do anything for her, but how do you make a teenager see the importance of education etc.. I don't want her to throw her life away going the way she's going. She has no interest in doing anything other than some football which she trains twice a week, don't want to stop her doing this as its only healthy outlet she has.
Don't know how to deal with her anymore, Have gotten family members to talk to her and again she will either not talk to them or she will go abuse them also.

Do I go back to GP and insist he gives her medication? Is there anything else I can do to help her? I am running out of idea's. Is it bad parenting that has her this way? I really do fear for her. Her sister on the otherhand is a very polite, well rounded girl, doing very well in college and has lots of friends.

Thanks for reading, again if anyone has any advice I would be very grateful.

Overheal

Thats tough.

I was similar myself growing up - same kind of situation really, with the divorce and the counseling. Don't know what to tell you except I kept my feelings to myself around the age of 18. Eventually I just taught myself how to work through them on my own.

I tried writing things down - and I would have still done - but for reasons unknown the notebook went missing one summer while I was away and I can only assume the parents found it so I didnt trust enough to write up more.

I'd suggest the same to her. It seems apparent to me she's hanging on to some very negative feelings and doesnt know how to express them. She needs to start writing, or drawing, or something. Anything. Art is a good medium. When I got my own PC I started writing password-encrypted entries again. These things arent for anyone else's benefit but hers. If you encourage her to start writing, do not expect to ever be reading it.

I think its an issue of trust; I had a hard time trusting my own parents growing up - violent divorce obviously can't trust the dad. Then a few years later my mom gets fed up of exactly what your daughter has been going through and passes me right back to him, so I said fcuk off to her for a couple years. She needs to develop that trust and you need to help her establish her boundaries. If you try and pressure her into talking (up at all hours talking things out when its not her choice) then she will never budge. The only time I ever opened my mouth to a counselor was whent I went there of my own choice. And I wouldn't have said half the things I said while I was in there if I thought my family was going to find out about it.

You should refer her to a cousin or a partial acquaintance or someone whom you dont have such a strong connection with, but could trust enough: that if your daughter ever wanted to talk to someone she'd only need to ring that person up and have them take her to a counselor or something. Similarly you could just agree with her school counselor or something that you do not want any disclosure. If the counselor feels theres something you need to know they can try and advise your daughter to tell you herself rather than through the counselor which to me always felt like an invasion of privacy.

My point of view.

Overheal

bluecell99

Sorry to hear about your troubles - you have been thru hell and back and are still suffering.If its any consolation it seems to me you are being a wonderful parent.You are trying everything out of love for your daughter and she throws everything back in your face.Fifteen is a very,very difficult age.You are bearing the brunt.There is no easy answer and its little consolation to tell you that in time she will realise how wrong she has been and what she has put you through.She will be mature some day and maybe become a mother herself.

If you can bear her tantrums then it will pass in time.You are the obvious target for her teenage aggression as her waster father is not on the scene.She sees you as the problem and takes out her frustrastion.You do not have to take everything thrown at you and you are completley entitled to set boundaries.I would have absolutley no problem in talking to the doctor again and this time I hope he can see how serious this is.

If this thing is causing you so much stress and hardship then there might be no no option but to take severe action and have her assessed in a hospital setting.Its not your fault.You cant live like this.God only knows where it will end.Medication must definitely be considered.Prevention is better than cure.

You are not alone.There are many people suffering the same kind of thing.Please check with lone parents association and get advice.

it sounds serious enough to warrant outside intervention now and there is no law which says you ,and only you,are responsible.

Another thing to consider is stopping the phone calls from her violent ,disgusting father who is poisoning her mind.Go to court if necessary.Shout and scream and dont put up with it.She is so vulnerable to crazy lies from him and it is not helping.

Ultimatley you may have to step back and allow others to intervene and take control.Your own health could break down and you dont deserve this.

AbitDramatic

This is almost like reading my own story. Im nineteen now and even though it hasnt been that long, those days seem like they are a lifetime away, Im in college im earning my own money etc. Now, I never ended up opening up to counsellors and probably never will. I dont feel that they help, especially if you are being forced into participating in the sessions. I wrote a lot as a teenager during these times, so I second that suggestion. Finding something that she can participate in would be ideal, for me it was drama and acting~I could pretend I was somebody else for a few hours a week.
The main thing that turned me around was boarding school, I went for my final two years of school but that doesnt work for everybody. And it may just feel like you are trying to get rid of her. It was my choice though so thats why it worked for me.
Most of all just keep doing what you are doing, be there, love her no matter what, because she will break one day and need you. It may be difficult but dont be too nagging try and trust her as much as possible, or appear too. My mother started to be very honest about what happened when I was a child after all of that started for me. Honesty is important, she may have unanswered questions.
The GP is a good idea, but do not whatever you do force medication, that should be a last last step, they can be very dangerous as they are not a cure to the problems they are just another form of an upper.

All I really want to say is, you are not alone. Dont feel that this is shameful, more people go through this with their kids than you think. Just do what you are already doing, keep her going,hopefully one day she will accept the counselling, but one day she will at least accept your help. I hope that everything works out for you.

LegacyUser

If this thing is causing you so much stress and hardship then there might be no no option but to take severe action and have her assessed in a hospital setting.Its not your fault.You cant live like this.God only knows where it will end.Medication must definitely be considered.Prevention is better than cure.

it sounds serious enough to warrant outside intervention now and there is no law which says you ,and only you,are responsible.

Ultimatley you may have to step back and allow others to intervene and take control.Your own health could break down and you dont deserve this.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for responses, I agree that I need some sort of outside intervention; but not sure of which is the best route at this stage.

If I can actually get her into a hospital to get a medical assessment I'm afraid that she will do as she has done in the past and refuse to talk and if she does it'll only be to blame me for ruining her life. Also worried that this course of action will reinforce her belief that she is "messed up" and there is something very wrong with her that can't be fixed.

Her sister was a little bit like that at her age, but nowhere near as bad or nasty; she was moody & bitchy.. but she came round and settled.. but I can't see it happening with her sister; she's like someone with two personalities.

Also, she is doing her Junior Cert this year and as mentioned is failing everthing; she hasn't a hope of passing at this stage; won't repeat the year; and only options for senior cycle are LCA; and I don't feel she even has the motivation to stick with it. This course alone will not give her the points for college, so she's risking her future here also, but can't seem to grasp the importance of it.

Regarding counselling- she has asked for it herself, but when it comes down to actually going she throw's a tantrum and won't go. So it's not as if I'm forcing her into it. It's like she comes to a stage where she realises she needs help, asks for it, and when it comes to following it through, she refuses point blank. Won't even listen to the reasons why we're going and denies asking for it.

Had another meltdown this evening because I refused to give her back her phone; she asked nicely firstly, and when I refused to back down, all hell broke out. She is stronger than me physically, and threatened me again that she'll kill me; she started throwing stuff, ripping photo's and tearing the house apart; when she saw me crying she just laughs and call's me weak. I probably come across as such because I can't ever imagine talking to my own mother the way she does to me. I hate to admit this, but I am afraid of what she'll do next when she gets like this. She has also said today that she doesn't want to live with me anymore; when I suggested she goes to other family members she refused that also; she say's she wants to be put into care and adopted; so she won't hurt us or vice versa, so she can forget her past and start over..

footballao

i no exactly how your daughter feels..:(my parents split up also....it is a very hard ting 4 a child to go thru as u no...not only for the child but the child also ,well i did anyway> feels guilty dat i couldnt be stronger for my parents instead of getting upset all the time... when my parents split up i was in so much pain about it but not for myself knowing that my mam wud b alone for he rest of her life was very hard to deal with..dont get me wrong i would always be der 4 her but i couldnt be der de hole time...im nearly 18 now....frm 15-17 i didnt go to school evryday...missed more dan half of everydy...i remember 1 teacher in particular askin me what was goin on...i wouldnt tell he,in the end i told her to **ck off...she didnt she persisited....i was making my mam and my sisters life hell at home...never doing what i was asked always givin cheek expecting my mam to do everything for me for no thanks...

i hit a really bad patch where everything got too much for me...my cuzn had a nervous breakdwn...i was in skul 1 day and jus broke down i couldnt deal with all the emotions that had been buliding up over the years...the teacher who had previously been questioning me came to my aid along with my friends...i explained it all to her...i told her i didnt have a hatred towards my mam i lover her more than words could say but der was nobody else to blame and dats y i did it to her even tho i new it wasnt her fault that eve i went home and explained it all to my mam

she understood as always and told me that der was so many nites she cried over me because she tat i blamed her...we are now better friends dan anybody

my advice frm being in a position like this is talk to your daughter tell her exactly how you feel...dont hold back on anything...every small thing you fell MUST come out or it may not work...if you find it better it might be easier to rite her a letter explaining it...

sometimes however it is very hard to explain tings to your parents so maybe encourage her to talk to a teacher she trusts or an adult friend...then it will make it easier to talk to you...al the best x xx

O'Coonassa

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for reading, again if anyone has any advice I would be very grateful.

She's just growing up. It isn't easy but only she can do it. footballao's advice is very good and I say that as a former 'troubled teenager'. Medicalising it and turning it into a big issue is not the way to go. That's what they did with me and it just made the phase last longer and get worse. She just needs her own space to grow and work things out, you can't do that for her but you can 'get off her back' as she undoubtedly sees it. So long as she know's that you're there and that you care then in a few years time you'll wonder what all the fuss was about. The importance of immediate education is all in your head, she can get educated at any point, what's more important to her now is that she figures out who she is and how to be an adult.