I don't know what to feel

Dante09

Hi guys, id appreciate if yee could give me your opinions on the following.

I used to go out with this girl with whom i was completely in love and vice versa. We were each others first on every level, had some unforgetable times etc etc. It lasted on and off (plenty of make ups, break ups etc) for about 3 and a half years. It ended for good about 2 years ago when she moved to another country to pursue her career (it lasted for a while after she moved but not for long-the fights became a few too many, I realised that her becoming so career centred changed her a lot and didnt like who she had become) We thought we could last forever, but needless to say we didnt. I dont think we "fell out of love" because when we were together, words cannot describe how much we loved each other and being around one another. (apart from the fights most of which were trivial and probably caused by the passion-excuse the cheesiness of this please-i cant think of better words to describe it)
So, whilst she was gone, i focused very much on my own career and studied very hard in college and have a great job lined for next year. (we are both in out early twenties now).
About a year ago, I found out she was back home for good (at least as much as her career could allow) We'd text each other once or twice every couple of months just to see how we're getting on (we didnt have a massive fight when we broke up so didnt end it on bad terms...we just kind of "faded"). Ive met her twice in the last 2 years, by chance in nightclubs....knees shaking, heart pounding...not knowing what to say/how to react etc-we did not get with each other.
The thing is this: i dont really think about her at all anymore. Personally ive put that down to the fact that ive been studying so much, i dont get time to think about her, but that does not explain why i got so nervy last time i met her. The other thing is this: i havent been with another girl since her (2 years-thats pretty disgusting i know) but again ive put that down to me being so focused on college but yet AGAIN that doesnt explain the weakened knees and lack of words from my mouth last time i saw her (which was just last week). I dont really know what i want to ask yee to be honest. What do yee think im playing at here? i dont have a clue about how i still feel about her...? im very confused by this because:
a) when we were together i thought i could never stop loving her (sorry for sounding so sappy but theres no other way of putting it)
b) when we broke up i thought the same as above+kept on thinking that once both of us have our careers sorted we'd get back together
c) but i dont really think about her anymore and feel that i should really move on (which has been hard to do because of study..most of yee probably wont see that as an excuse, which is fair enough). Both of our careers are now more or less sorted and we could have been together for the past year but have not been so..
d) ill be moving to dublin next year so looking forward to a "new life", new faces etc
e) HELP ME FIGURE ME OUT

Sorry...rant over...thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. If you havent...well i cant blame you!
Thanks in advance for any opinions

bluecell99

it's because you have not met anyone else that you still feel the "knees shaking" and all those memories come flooding back.You've been wrapped up in study and have not really moved on and accepted that the relationship is over.Of course you will still have feelings and a little part of you wonders if thigs could go back the way they were.They cant.They wont.

From the little you say re your ex it sounds as if she has moved on.So can you.

You owe it yo yourself.Stop the doubts,get out there and in time you wont have any room for looking back or feeling sad.Because thats what you are now.A bit down and melancholy.Natural to an extent but let go and enjoy life.

Dante09

bluecell99 wrote: »

it's because you have not met anyone else that you still feel the "knees shaking" and all those memories come flooding back.You've been wrapped up in study and have not really moved on and accepted that the relationship is over.Of course you will still have feelings and a little part of you wonders if thigs could go back the way they were.They cant.They wont.

From the little you say re your ex it sounds as if she has moved on.So can you.

You owe it yo yourself.Stop the doubts,get out there and in time you wont have any room for looking back or feeling sad.Because thats what you are now.A bit down and melancholy.Natural to an extent but let go and enjoy life.

Thanks for that. You're 100% right. That is what all my mates have been talling me for the last 2 years. However id like to point out that:
a) last week when i met her...i know for a fact that she got insanely jealous when she saw me talking to my tall, blond friend...(she went as far as to call her "ugly"-although she said that thats what her cousin said-really immature and bitchy of her i know-but still shows a little jealousy; btw my friend is faaaar from ugly)
b) i know she hasnt had a boyfriend since me
c) i text her on her birthday...saying something like: Happy birthday, hope all is well, wish you all the best. She replied with: you know what i wish for. (i left it at that)
Still think she's moved on?

dreamer_ire

Your first love will always be your first love... that's not to say you will always love them or want to be with them but im my experienece there will always be a frisson there when you meet, espically when it's unexpected. Try not to confuse this with wanting to get back with her, just recognise it for what it is and look forward to your new life in Dublin... you never know what's around the corner.

Good luck with it

bluecell99

Ok sound, maybe she has'nt moved on.But maybe it's best if you do.Because I reckon it's been too long and the reasons why the break up took place are as valid today as they ever were.She aslo seems to remember the good times and forgets the bad!Again its human nature at play.

its up to you of course but re visiting the past and hoping that things will be different seldom works.I could be completely wrong and perhaps am too negative and take a far too jaundiced approach but who knows.

In any case dont focus too much on it and heres hoping that things workout for you in other ways.

Dante09

just figured out my dilemma:
a) Do i not bother doing anything about it and just wait out the year, trying to meet new people etc until i move to Dublin. After all i know i could easily TRY to get back with her....i could have been trying to have done this for the past year that shes been home but the thing is that i havent...i dont know whether thats playing hard to get on my part (which would be stupid) or just too busy (the more likely). If i do this i could be letting go of what "could be" forever, after all, she's the only girl ive envisaged being with for most of my adult life. But on the other hand i'd be cutting the final chord, starting a new life etc...and im bound to meet somebody new (btw...i havent been a complete recluse for the past two years...just very busy. I could have gotten with plenty of girls - just everytime i come close i always think of her and so fvcking annoying cuz i actually dont think about her much at all anymore)

b) Do i try to reconcile our relationship and try to get things back to how they were, which inherently is incapable of being because we've both changes a lot in the last two years. But at least if i do this and it doesnt work out i cant say i didnt try....but then how long more is it going to take me to get over her (because i think im mostly over her now)?

LegacyUser

OP the main question you should ask yourself is do you want her back in your life? will this make you happieror cause you extra stress?
Sometimes its good to just try something because being stuck with what ifs for the rest of your life will drive you crazy.
Why dont you suggest meeting up for a coffee and a chat, you know just hang out together as friends.............maybe you'll realise you dont like her anymore or maybe you'll realise its what you have been missing.
If on a night out you had the opportunity to go with a new girl or your ex........which would you choose? is it an easy answer?

Dante09

Thanks for your reply
Thats a very valid point-i may just do that-it makes sense.
In relation to your question at the end, it would definately be a very tough decision (it would obviously have been very easy two years ago..after we had just broken up). It would probably depend on who the other girl was or what she was like!;) no on a serious note:

a) my head would tell me to get with the new girl
b) my heart/gut would tell me to get with the ex

I would solve the situation by getting insanely drunk and being kicked out of the nightclub so i wouldnt have to chose. Kind of like Carlsburg: Its not just a) or b).....there's probably c)!:D

LegacyUser

Haha you mean it would depend on whether the other girl looked like megan fox or someone
I really think you shouls just try and hang out with her for a while...............you may realise than that she in fact repulses you and you may only see her bad faults ;)thats what happened with my ex....same situation butterflies in stomach when i did see him but unsure of what to do.....turns out when i did end up hanging out with him, he was this immature pathetic guy (who ate really loud) haha
Go for it......you have nothing to lose at this stage
If it all fails this months FHM magazine has the worlds top 100 women in it....you can line up your next victim haha

Dante09

If it all fails this months FHM magazine has the worlds top 100 women in it....you can line up your next victim haha[/quote]

Victim?? Are you implying i could be susceptible to criminal liability?:rolleyes:
Cool though...thanks for the advice...i may just give her a text after this last set of exams

LegacyUser

dante, i understand your dilema totally. i'm in a pretty much identical situation except the relationship ended last summer so the length of time is shorter.

i can tell you that her acting like that does not necessarily mean she still has feelings for you. alot of girls just get jealous of other girls and i've seen this first hand - kind of runs on the old philosophy - i dont want you but nobody else can have you - sorry to be a bit harsh.

i was really hurt when it happened to me and just focused on other things like you did, some of the things i ended up focusing on were social dynamics. i really suggest you have a look into it.

there's alot of crap but it may help you understand how women think, this will really help you to move on as moving on is what i advise you do. otherwise you could find yourself hung up on this girl for a long time.

i know this will be hard - due to her being alot of firsts - but believe me the 2nd's and 3rd's are alot more rewarding. you need to go out and meet new girls, develop new relationships, have bad breakups, get dumped, experiment! life's too short! plenty of fish....and all that!

the only reason you feel like you do is because you've never moved on at all! move on! leave the ex as an ex and go meet some new people!

LegacyUser

Victim?? Are you implying i could be susceptible to criminal liability?(Quote)
Ha ha of course not (apologises its the law in me coming out!)
I was just saying that dont put all your eggs in one basket, figure this out for yourself but also remember there's plenty more girls out there and potentially even better girls for you!
Dublin is a big place

Dante09

Unregistered wrote: »

Victim?? Are you implying i could be susceptible to criminal liability?(Quote)
Ha ha of course not (apologises its the law in me coming out!)
I was just saying that dont put all your eggs in one basket, figure this out for yourself but also remember there's plenty more girls out there and potentially even better girls for you!
Dublin is a big place

Dont tell me you're a lawyer! Cuz it would be quite ironic to have one lawyer advising another one (albeit a future one) on relationship issues!! Should have posted this thread in the legal forum!:p

Dante09

Unregistered wrote: »

dante, i understand your dilema totally. i'm in a pretty much identical situation except the relationship ended last summer so the length of time is shorter.

i can tell you that her acting like that does not necessarily mean she still has feelings for you. alot of girls just get jealous of other girls and i've seen this first hand - kind of runs on the old philosophy - i dont want you but nobody else can have you - sorry to be a bit harsh.

i was really hurt when it happened to me and just focused on other things like you did, some of the things i ended up focusing on were social dynamics. i really suggest you have a look into it.

there's alot of crap but it may help you understand how women think, this will really help you to move on as moving on is what i advise you do. otherwise you could find yourself hung up on this girl for a long time.

i know this will be hard - due to her being alot of firsts - but believe me the 2nd's and 3rd's are alot more rewarding. you need to go out and meet new girls, develop new relationships, have bad breakups, get dumped, experiment! life's too short! plenty of fish....and all that!

the only reason you feel like you do is because you've never moved on at all! move on! leave the ex as an ex and go meet some new people!

Heya, yeh...you're dead right. I wouldnt be disappointed at all if she has moved on-if anything that would give me complete closure!
Im not finding it hard to get over her anymore (i did initially) and like i said, i hardly ever think about her now....its just when i met her recently i felt like a likkle boy again...just the same as i did when i first met her...and then i started thinking for the first time in ages that perhaps there could be a chance of reviving what once was. But the more i think about it the less i think thats likely because like i said above i think both of us have changed quite a bit in the last few years and i cant see the current me putting up with the sh*t i used to put with.....but then i KEEP thinking about it...(study gets boring every now and again!:rolleyes:) and say to myself that maybe, just maybe we could give it another go (assuming she'd be willing) because after all that was our plan, albeit conjured at a time of youthful innosence....that once we had our careers sorted we'd be together forever and ever (highly unlikely). But then my brain gets switched on and i foresake myself for being stuck in this void for the last two years and i dont know whether its me or the effect she had on me that has prevented me from getting with new girls...
I cant wait to get out of here (the small city in the west) and start a new life. Sick of seeing the same streets, faces, ex etc. Ive already met some of my future colleagues (and may i add, highly attractive ones;)) and its not like i havent been attracted to other girls...loads...its just that final moment of truth...that moment when a guy needs to prove he has cohones worth their weight...when he has to make that final move...mentallhy she has been holding me back and im not denying that. Sad but true...at least im honest though...not that thats done me any good in the past!

LegacyUser

Dante09 wrote: »

Dont tell me you're a lawyer! Cuz it would be quite ironic to have one lawyer advising another one (albeit a future one) on relationship issues!! Should have posted this thread in the legal forum!:p

Haha how ironic indeed .....future Lawyer here too thats if i ever secure my apprenticeship!!!

Dante09

yeh they're a nightmare alright!
have you your fe1s done?

legal eagle 1

hey dante09 i've just sent you a message....Im the future lawyer by the way not a stalker haha

Wibbs

Please stay on topic. Thanks.

quinevere

in the same boat we split up I was still in love and spent the next year deep in work and pushing myself to do anything but think about what I had just left behind - continously on the go not dealing with the issue i've only dealth with it since the new year i didnt want to keep going in circles

I seen him for the first time recently and suddenly there I was remembering all the things i loved about him but it was momentaryi texted him and told him and i suddenly realised that he didnt feel the same way he was my first everything but i wasnt his first. I will always feel something but i want a furture and i can't waste another year of my life playing the what if game/distracting myself.

Its probably best you look at the situation or even tell her that way you can move on or decide a path together

LegacyUser

If you really wanted her back wouldnt you have tried already,like has something stopped you? do you think she would take you back?
Personal opinion here but i think this is just a case of your first true love, even when you get married or settle down they'll always hold a very special place in your life but that doesn't mean you should dwell on it.

Dante09

Unregistered wrote: »

If you really wanted her back wouldnt you have tried already,like has something stopped you? do you think she would take you back?
Personal opinion here but i think this is just a case of your first true love, even when you get married or settle down they'll always hold a very special place in your life but that doesn't mean you should dwell on it.

Good point. What has stopped me though is staying so busy so as not to let myself think of her and not to give myself the time to attempt to get back with her. That, and the notion that I should really move on. However, when last i met her, which was quite recently I felt as though if i keep on doing the above I could be letting go of something that I could potentially want for the rest of my life. I dont know if she would take me back. Unless she has completely moved on (which i dont think she has) and the idea of us getting back together is beyond what she could presently contemplate....i would say that there is a reasonable chance of us giving it another go. I think I might just meet her soon and just talk to her...what do you think??

nordine

Dante09 wrote: »

Dont tell me you're a lawyer! Cuz it would be quite ironic to have one lawyer advising another one (albeit a future one) on relationship issues!! Should have posted this thread in the legal forum!:p

Future Unemployed by the looks of it.

Id get back with her, maybe with her good career she can support you.