Not happy with bfs past

LegacyUser

And before I even start, I'm not in any way judgemental or narrow minded. I'm a pretty liberal person, I know we all have a past, but my bf's seems to be very complicated. He has the usual exes - three serious ex-girlfriends who I've met and talked to, no problems there, and other girls he was with/slept with and still sees, which doesn't thrill me but its OK.

Something which bothers me is that I found out he's scored a good few of his female friends, and I don't just mean kissed, which wouldn't bother me as much, but fingered/given oral/whatever. This actually disgusts me quite a lot. I'm no prude, but I don't go to bed with all my male friends just because I can. Kissing is one thing but sexual activity for me isn't something so casual that I do with all my mates and continue to be mates afterwards. It just seems so weird and abnormal. I don't feel as special now knowing he's been to bed with about 80% of his female friends. As I said, I was fine talking to his exes and all, but why the hell does someone feel the need to be with so many girls? Just comes across to me as having NO standards. I mean just because you CAN have a fumble with a friend doesn't mean you should! It makes me a bit sick sitting at a table with his mates knowing he's been with them all.

I know we all have a past, me included, but I certainly haven't been with all my mates - to me that's trashy and stupid and immature. I have a few exes I talk to the odd time but they aren't hanging around at parties and my bf doesn't have to talk to and see them all the time. I guess the problem is that his past isn't his past - these people are still hanging around in the present and that's what really bothers me. Anyone have any advice? I really like the guy but I do not like what I'm after finding out!

bluecell99

How long have ye been going out?Really if he shows no sign of maturing then you have to ask yourself is it worth it?Cant be good to be plagued with doubts and not feeling as if you have him to yourself.Sounds to me he wants notches on the bedpost and you dont figure very highly in his plans.

LegacyUser

For 6 months and he's very serious about me. It's not that I dont trust him or anything like that, I'm just disappointed I guess. he thinks it's unfair to judge things he did before he met me.

Stheno

His past is his past, you've gotten a serious amount of detail about his from him, did you ask him for the details?

ellie1

he thinks it's unfair to judge things he did before he met me.

I think he is right.

However if you dont respect the person he is now or cant live with his past.
Maybe you would be better off without him

aoibhebree

I suppose it depends really when this happened? Like if he's still friends with the same group since they were still teenagers, then I'm really not surprised, me and my friends definitely went through a phase of that with out male friends (although it was just kissing most of the time )

If you feel like you can trust the guy, and if he hasn't been with any of them recently, it definitely wouldn't be a major issue for me tbh!

bluecell99

Unregistered wrote: »

For 6 months and he's very serious about me. It's not that I dont trust him or anything like that, I'm just disappointed I guess. he thinks it's unfair to judge things he did before he met me.

Ok,grand.Just wondering why you feel he is very serious about you?How has he demonstrated this?

Of course he is correct in wanting things to be left behind which happened before he met you.Is it the case that you feel insecure yourself about the past and cant move on as such?

Or is it the fact that the past and the present seem to be the same thing?In other words is he making more effort to see his exes and maintain strong friendships with them and not putting as much effort into your relationship?

If this is the case then I would always have concerns and you would be right to be frustrated.But if he genuinely is trying to make things work with you then leave the past where it is - in the past.

ibarelycare

aoibhebree wrote: »

I suppose it depends really when this happened? Like if he's still friends with the same group since they were still teenagers, then I'm really not surprised, me and my friends definitely went through a phase of that with out male friends (although it was just kissing most of the time )

If you feel like you can trust the guy, and if he hasn't been with any of them recently, it definitely wouldn't be a major issue for me tbh!

+1

My group of friends is a mix of boys and girls and most of us have swapped spit (and sometimes more) at some stage!! It's all a part of growing up. TBH I'm glad I got to experiment over the years with people I trust and love (as friends) over randomers I met in a club. I've been with 4 or 5 of my guy mates and the only ever time it's been weird with us after is years later when one of them started going out with a girl and she found out. To say she wasn't happy is an understatement and it was completely unjustified. He has been completely cut off from me and the rest of the group since then and it sucks. Don't be that girl! He never developed a relationship with any of these girls....he did with you. He's with you for a reason, he was just having fun with the others. You shouldn't be disgusted with him for having a sexual history. You're saying you're not being judgemental but TBH you are. Let it go and stop dwelling on the past.

Terodil

TBH his past is part of what he is now, so I don't think that ignoring it is the way to go. Ultimately, YOU have to decide if you want him, knowing his past full well, to be your partner in the months/years to come. Do you honestly and truly believe that he's transcended that immature, needy behaviour? if so, it shouldn't bother you. If you still see him acting that way, and it's not something that you want to accept, then call it off. I don't think anybody has the right to judge you for making a well-thought-out choice to discontinue a relationship because of a character flaw that you are not prepared to accept.

nesbitt

Terodil wrote: »

TBH his past is part of what he is now, so I don't think that ignoring it is the way to go. Ultimately, YOU have to decide if you want him, knowing his past full well, to be your partner in the months/years to come. Do you honestly and truly believe that he's transcended that immature, needy behaviour? if so, it shouldn't bother you. If you still see him acting that way, and it's not something that you want to accept, then call it off. I don't think anybody has the right to judge you for making a well-thought-out choice to discontinue a relationship because of a character flaw that you are not prepared to accept.

+1

In the past I was going out with a guy who definitely had sex with some 'friends'. I was okay about it but did find it strange. However later in the relationship I realised that my then BF was very watchful of me around my guy friends (totally platonic!) and would insinuate that I too had sex with my friends. This was what was are undoing eventually. I could not stand his distrust on me and it was totally unfounded.... So I got judged by his standards.

Otis Driftwood

ibarelycare wrote: »

+1

My group of friends is a mix of boys and girls and most of us have swapped spit (and sometimes more) at some stage!! It's all a part of growing up. TBH I'm glad I got to experiment over the years with people I trust and love (as friends) over randomers I met in a club. I've been with 4 or 5 of my guy mates and the only ever time it's been weird with us after is years later when one of them started going out with a girl and she found out. To say she wasn't happy is an understatement and it was completely unjustified. He has been completely cut off from me and the rest of the group since then and it sucks. Don't be that girl! He never developed a relationship with any of these girls....he did with you. He's with you for a reason, he was just having fun with the others. You shouldn't be disgusted with him for having a sexual history. You're saying you're not being judgemental but TBH you are. Let it go and stop dwelling on the past.

^^^^
Good posting.

You are over reacting OP.Would it make you feel better if he had been with a load of randomers instead of some of his friends?If it would then its obviously jealousy/lack of trust on your behalf.If it wouldnt then it does make you sound like a bit of a prude.
Past is just that,PAST
The guy obviuosly likes you if he has introduced you to his childhood friends.
Stop picking holes in what could be something special over something so trivial.

mollybird

this is the reason i didn't fill my OH in on my past. yes ive had a colourful past but i feel there was no reason to fill him in on details in case your situation ever came up. i ended up sleeping with two of my mates and it messed me up big time. i'm still in contact with one of my ex's but very rarely so he is not worried.

Terodil

mollybird wrote: »

this is the reason i didn't fill my OH in on my past. yes ive had a colourful past but i feel there was no reason to fill him in on details in case your situation ever came up. i ended up sleeping with two of my mates and it messed me up big time. i'm still in contact with one of my ex's but very rarely so he is not worried.

That's one way of doing it, but not something I would personally suggest. It is easier in the short term because you evade the confrontation, yet it doesn't defuse the potentially dangerous situation. I don't believe in dishonesty in relationships. If you don't trust your bf enough to be able to talk with him about this, then what risk are you running by setting up the scene for him to find out in the long run? I respect your choice, however as your bf I wouldn't be thrilled. At all. Not so much because of your past itself, more because you didn't trust me enough to tell me. Love should be unconditional and not hinge on obfuscation.

PeakOutput

Unregistered wrote: »

he thinks it's unfair to judge things he did before he met me.

he is completely right and its not weird or abnormal for anyone to enjoy consenting sex at all, in anyway

star-pants

As weird as it may seem (because I wouldn't have been with male friends) it's also not *that* strange. I dated a guy and he'd been with most of his female friends, some more than kissing like.
He's been honest & told you - so at least no surprises would come up. And it's in his past. I would find it weird myself so I do know where you're coming from. But is his past worth ruining yer future?

LegacyUser

I don't think it is jealousy. It's not that I'm afraid he'll get back with any of his friends, he's made it clear he really cares about me and is only interested in me. I guess I just find it dodgy morals to be getting with half your friends/college class. Even when I was a teenager that would have been considered tacky. I guess to me it just shows a lack of choosiness - he says he is choosy, but scoring half the people on your estate just screams of doing it for the sake of it to me. I've never intended to wait for marriage or anything like that, but I've only been with people I really liked. I don't understand just being with people because you can. He says he 'liked them all at the time' which is also weird to me - how can you like that many of your friends enough to sleep with them?

I actually DO understand being with 'randomers' more because you meet someone, feel an attraction to them and then either start a relationship or have a fling or whatever. It's a lot stranger to me to score a friend and then go back to being friends in the morning. I find it very odd to take it all so lightly.

And as I said, the past not being the past is a big issue. I see a lot of these girls all the time, they leave comments on Facebook, they go to parties. One of them seems to delight in rubbing it in my face that she was with my BF before me, even though he didn't even like her enough to go out with her. It's just a situation I find awkward and uncomfortable. My past is my past, I'm not in contact with the majority of people I was with, and even my long term ex-boyfriend, we send a short email once a week or so. I think it's a lot healthier that way. How can your past be your past if it's all around you, all the time?

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't think it is jealousy. It's not that I'm afraid he'll get back with any of his friends, he's made it clear he really cares about me and is only interested in me. I guess I just find it dodgy morals to be getting with half your friends/college class. Even when I was a teenager that would have been considered tacky. I guess to me it just shows a lack of choosiness - he says he is choosy, but scoring half the people on your estate just screams of doing it for the sake of it to me. I've never intended to wait for marriage or anything like that, but I've only been with people I really liked. I don't understand just being with people because you can. He says he 'liked them all at the time' which is also weird to me - how can you like that many of your friends enough to sleep with them?

I actually DO understand being with 'randomers' more because you meet someone, feel an attraction to them and then either start a relationship or have a fling or whatever. It's a lot stranger to me to score a friend and then go back to being friends in the morning. I find it very odd to take it all so lightly.

And as I said, the past not being the past is a big issue. I see a lot of these girls all the time, they leave comments on Facebook, they go to parties. One of them seems to delight in rubbing it in my face that she was with my BF before me, even though he didn't even like her enough to go out with her. It's just a situation I find awkward and uncomfortable. My past is my past, I'm not in contact with the majority of people I was with, and even my long term ex-boyfriend, we send a short email once a week or so. I think it's a lot healthier that way. How can your past be your past if it's all around you, all the time?

Right, ok, you're not happy.

But what exactly do you want hiim to do about it? Unless you have a time machine handy, there's not a lot he can do, is there?

Your other option is to ask (or force) him not to see these girls anymore... which is selfish and stupid.

Basically, OP, if you want to be with him, you're going to have to just get over it.

Zulu

Have to agree with Shellyboo.
You really need to get over it if you want to stay with him.

At the moment, you are angry because his past life doesn't live up to your personal expections. Thats a fairly selfish attitude to have in a relationship.

dblennon

Mabey it's where your from, and your group just didn't do that because it is very common in my experience.

My local mates all have experiences with most of our mates over the years when you hang out together 2/3 nights a week it is going to happen.

again it was the same in my Uni Class I had 4/5 short term things but agreed it would be better to be friends as you had to see each other all the time

and my mates from the south side are even worse its hilarious how interchangible girlfriends and friends are in that social circle.

certainly my 'girl' friends have said they are much happier scoring friends than randomers who they don't know.