Passive Aggressive or deeper rooted?

LegacyUser

Ok, is sex in a relationship over rated? By relationship, I actually mean marriage!! Yikes

4 years ago My Husband & I were on the doorstep of our nuptuals and our sex life had just begun to dwindle. I had noticed and was worried but put it down to stress or whatever.

On our honeymoon we fought about the issue as it seemed he had left his libido at home. It continued as so and of course I took it personally. He would clam up about it when I would try to discuss it and this continued, gradually getting worse until I began to become very depressed about the situation. It was the source of many arguments between us for the next few years, it never got better. Eventually I would just lie in bed and feel like I'd been knifed in the stomach every time the lights went out & I knew all that was to come was sleep.

I have been so down ever since our wedding. I love him very much but am hurt and angry and wonder if I made a mistake by going ahead with our marriage under the circumstances.
What has happened to me in the meantime is that I have lost any sense of sexuality I may have had. I feel like an oul one, dull, wrong for wanting and like I'm hiding some sort of secret.

So earlier this year, My husband announces he's 'feeling better' that his libido is back and he's sorry that it was gone for so long as he was under a lot of pressure the past few years (I know he was) and he wanted to make love. I refused and continued to do so. I explained that I couldn't just 'turn it on' again that I was hurt & angry and that I had gotten use to no sexual contact, that I felt uncomfortable now and that I'd need time.

He didn't persist and we've gone back to lights out, sleep, don't talk about it.

I really want to get things going again but I find that I'm too angry. I've bottled up the feelings that my husband is not attracted to me and if he is, our sexual relationship isn't important enough to him to get himself checked the past 4 years, leaving me in limbo.

I'm angry that he 'let it go' for so long. I'm angry at myself for turning into an old hag physically and can't decipher my own reasons for closing up right now. I have these main reasons

I'm hurt & angry & have taken all this as a personal insult / blow to self esteem.
I'm being passive aggressive in my not responding to his 'change of libido' because I want to punish him, to see how it feels (playschool **** I know)
I really have lost my own desire to have sex, I WANT to but feel very uncomfortable because I have so much baggage.

There are no affairs, no extra marrital sex, we love each other & get on great. I have become the problem now I think because I am mad at whatever his was & very hurt & angry he didn't find it pressing enough to fix.

From a future prospective I am not willing to have children as a result. I am unhappy & he really doesn't 'see' that. He's happy out plodding along as is, I don't get it!!! He could go the rest of our days without sex, I know it! That to me is so strange!!

I feel so stuck, I know I'm being very childish in a way, but I feel I have a right to be hurt & offended. I want to f***ing scream. We're missing out!!

Is counselling the next step? Will It help?? how do I sell the idea to him? He needs to know what these past 4 years have done to me!! I've told him many times & written him letters but I feel it's all for nothing.

Beruthiel

desperatehwife wrote: »

Is counselling the next step?

It most certainly is.

Will It help??

Well it can't possible make things any worse.
Do it, you have nothing to loose.

how do I sell the idea to him?

I prefer straight talking.
"Can we go talk to a professional in order to save our marriage" would be how I'd put it.

prinz

I can see how you'd feel this way however, now it is your turn to make the effort to get things back..

He apologised, explained the reasoning behind it. Of course it's going to take time for you too, but if he couldn't help it in the past, it's unfair to punish him now. You seem to be withdrawing now to show him how bad it was for you. Perhaps it would be better to verbalise your concerns and try to get the sex life back to normal as best you can. Get your own desire back, and I'm sure he'll see soon enough what he was missing out on.

Counselling would be a good idea.

Oh The Humanity

I definitely think counselling is the next step.

By the way I think you are perfectly justified in your anger at his attitude.
One partner has no right to unilaterally dictate sex being cancelled and then randomly expected again.

That is something he needs to learn in the counselling and something he needs to realise has caused massive damage, hurt and offence to you.

You'll get a lot of responses here saying relationships aren't all about sex and sex is not the be-all and end-all etc and yes thats true. BUT it is a very important PART of a couple relationship.

I believe when you are in a committed relationship the level of sexual intimacy that you have at the point when the relationship is consolidated [either by agreement to marry, co-habit etc] is almost a contract between the couple. Both sides understand this as the level that will be maintained, within reason*

*Those reasons can be things like childbirth, first year of childs life, depression, bereavement, family members terminally ill ETC

In other words of course there are going to be things that MAY affect it BUT if those things come up there needs to be negotiation and communication fromt the partner affected to their other half.

It is simply NOT good enough to just turn off the tap, go silent [even become angry and defiant when the cut off partner attempts to communicate about it]and expect the other person to just suck it up.

I really wish you well. I would urge you to not allow your sexual self to die based on your husbands whims. Seperate from him, see yourself as a sexual person. You are attractive. Pay attention to yourself, throw out the 'old hag' attitudes and belief.

Because he has rejected you, you have come to believe you are unworthy of male attention. This is not so. There could well be a hot man thinking about you right now. Reclaim your attractiveness.

His cruel and selfish rejection of you is HIS problem. Unless he realises and understands the damage he does and works very hard to repair it and makes it up to you, you will not have a future.