Sexy Time, or Maybe Not.

LegacyUser

Okay, Gonna try and keep this nice and simple. So bullet point form for the win!

1. Going out with a Girl for several Months. Get on very well, L Bomb has been dropped both ways and no disputes/arguments so far.

2. GF is probably a 9/10 on looks and a very nice person all round.

3. Both of us young 20 or there abouts. First BF for the girl.

Problem:

1. No Sex or associated foreplay [Oral, handjobs etc etc]. Ever. Okay this is not a rule that has been set out, simply put anytime it is getting hot and heavy and starting to go that way, the girl quite simply comes up with a reason to stop altogether such as it is too late or so forth. I suspect the reason is usually an excuse, as she may stick around a bit longer or a while later[5-10 mins] go back to kissing at least.

2. Making out is grand and so forth.

3. I have inquired if she is simply uncomfortible with it or something is wrong, response is no, she is comfortable but insert excuse as before.

4. I may lightly confront her on such excuses as they do not add up really. [In a Joking manner that is].

5. I do stop getting jiggy immediatly.

* I should also Note she has never really tried anything down under on me. Of course I have tried on her and got very limited success.

Conclusion: What to do?

Talking it out in a light manner has not really proved effective. Any advice would be great,or even a hazzard at why she might feel so uncomfortable still.

cafecolour

Don't know. Maybe she's religious - ie no sex before marriage - but for some reason doesn't want to say that explicitly for fear of driving you away, yet continues with silly games. Maybe she's just had it drilled in to keep the guy going as much as possible.

You'll really have to ask her directly. ie "Look, everytime it goes beyond kissing, you make up some excuse, which I'm finding a bit insulting at this point. What's the deal, do you not believe in sex before marriage or something?"

And for yourself - is this a deal breaker? Would you keep going out with her if there wasn't going to be sexy time for a while more?

puglover

If you are your gf's first boyfriend, it's likely she could still be a virgin. Have you discussed this?

If it is she is bound to be nervous, you need to sit down and have a conversation about this... away from the bedroom & not when you are in the middle of making-out. If it's her first time why not arrange something to make it special for her?

Heineken Helen

puglover wrote: »

If you are your gf's first boyfriend, it's likely she could still be a virgin. Have you discussed this?

If it is she is bound to be nervous, you need to sit down and have a conversation about this... away from the bedroom & not when you are in the middle of making-out. If it's her first time why not arrange something to make it special for her?

Yeh, it sounds like she could be a virgin... you've been very patient over several months and it might be time to bring it up delicately and tell her you want to take the relationship further and ask her how she feels about that.

seamus

In reality, you do have to confront her on it. After "several months" in a relationship with a full adult (which is what someone in their 20's is), you should have a good idea of what eachother's standpoints are in terms of sexual activity.

There are a number of possibilities. The most likely one is as others have said - she's probably a virgin or otherwise very inexperienced and is a little nervous about the experience and also a little worried that her inexperience will turn you off or that your (relative) experience will make her look stupid. She may also have some self-image issues (many women do) and is worried that you won't like her body.

You just tread gently, and broach the issue without accusing her of anything or making it sound like you just want your leg over. Even though to a certain extent, you do (don't deny that - be honest with her). Tell her straight up - that you don't care how experienced/inexperienced she is and that you think she's beautiful. Ultimately every new sexual relationship has a learning curve anyway and it's rare enough for two people to explode sexually, straight out of the box.

At the far and unlikely end of the scale, she may be ultra-religious or she may have suffered abuse as a child/teenager. I must stress though that these are extreme unlikelies and you would probably have found out about either by now.

mardybum

It's funny how rare it is for someone in their early 20's to be not having sex with their partner, so rare that it's quite shocking or distressing for their partner.

I knew a girl once, went to school with her and were good friends. While everyone else was busy exploring their burgeoning sexuality, she wasn't. For whatever reason she had it totally imprinted in her mind that she wasn't going to have sex until the moment was perfect. So despite having several nice, attractive boyfriends she would not have sex. That was grand, we were all cool with it.

So by the time she was about 20 or 21, she had spent so much time waiting for this perfect moment that she began express that she was scared of having sex. I remember her telling me that she was scared of the pain. Then another time she was scared that the other person wouldn't understand,then later it was that she wouldn't know what to do, and was scared of the erection... (told her that boy who liked her would be understanding, take it slow, show her what to do etc etc)

The basic thing was that the girl was sh*t scared, and kinda thought sex was dirty (she had a thing about girls being sluts etc), and I think scared of being out of control - but never projected this side of herself to the outside world... she seemed all confident. Finally she gave a boyfriend a handjob, he came and she was DElighted with herself...

Dunno what happened after that coz we drifted apart, but I have a memory of her getting freaked out by it and splitting up with him.

I imagine though, that the more she was able to let herself go, find out that it wasn't dirty, and was able to do sexual things the more she enjoyed it.

I think in a case like this you just gotta try and persuade the girl that she's beautiful, that her body is beautiful, and if you get to see it, that her lady parts are beautiful - I think a lotta girls feel embarrassed/ashamed of their vaginas and need to be told that they are lovely bits! That goes a long way.

ibarelycare

cafecolour wrote: »

You'll really have to ask her directly. ie "Look, everytime it goes beyond kissing, you make up some excuse, which I'm finding a bit insulting at this point. What's the deal, do you not believe in sex before marriage or something?"

Definitely DON'T say this! That's way too aggressive and it's a very delicate issue.

It's strange that assumptions are jumped to, such as her being religious or that she was abused. Perhaps she just doesn't want to have sex yet! I know these days people in general are a lot more open about sex but that attitude doesn't apply to everyone. You said you're going out several months, but for her this mightn't be long enough for her to do something that is obviously a massive deal to her.

When my parents were that age, most people would have waited a long time before having sex. My mother had 2 long-term relationships before she met my dad but only slept with one of them. There are still people out there who are like that believe it or not!

Please don't conclude that there's something wrong with her or that she has issues regarding sex. You need to sit down and talk to her about it, but be gentle about it.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

Conclusion: What to do?

Talking it out in a light manner has not really proved effective. Any advice would be great,or even a hazzard at why she might feel so uncomfortable still.

Ask her, and not in a jokey manner. just ask straight out, and talk about it.Hazarding a guess at this stage over something like that is like playing darts with a blindfold.

Taltos

OP - you do need to talk to her about it - it could be anything - so be prepared...

However - choose where you talk carefully - somewhere she feels safe, public would not be good.

You never know - it could be her beliefs or maybe she has had a bad experience. Hence choosing a safe place for her is important.
Try to make sure she knows you are there for her and are concerned at where you are going, but that there is no pressure...

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Op Here: Thanks for the responses so far!

I should note that I am infact not all that experianced myself, she has inquired about this several times now which I find a bit odd. I did explain that I have had a few casual chances with one night stands but passed them up. For her part she was pretty vague on her experiance, joking and so forth.

Early on in the Relationship, about a month and a half in the topic of Sex and so forth did come up, naturally iirc [don't think I started the topic] and she expressed no reservations or so forth.

I should also note, I once had the chance I guess, but she was pretty damn drunk and I could not really go further then heavy making out as I felt rather guilty at even that level [I was drinking, but can handle it a tad bit better].

Anyways, I know I should talk it through, but I really feel she will try and make light of the subject or I may push too hard and come off as a jack ass.

But this is starting to become a deal breaker, been shot down in early/mid flight without an honest reason really starts to get into your head, is it me? blah blah etc etc.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

But this is starting to become a deal breaker, been shot down in early/mid flight without an honest reason really starts to get into your head, is it me? blah blah etc etc.

Have it out with her. Ask for an honest reason. If she refuses to give one then end it. You can't spend your life reasoning with people who aren't going to be honest with you.

LegacyUser

Hey, OP again.

Taking the direct approach does seem to be the right idea. One Problem I guess left in my own head:

What if the answer is not up to scratch?

That is to say, I suspect she may well try to dodge the topic through a joke or two or the old "maybe next time", even though we have a honest relationship, I know she is a bit reserved on some topics.

Now for my part, I am not 100% sure where I would stand if this did end up to be the case. I would like to think I have set principles and so forth, and as such sex is necessary for my part and the obvious answer would to be split up.

...But in so many ways we do get on great and I can't help but think it will happen, sooner or later.....But...and yes that is another but!...generally I find when guys start to break there own principles ,it starts a slippy slope in a relationship.