Insecure

LegacyUser

myself and my bf are in our mid 20's, we've been going out over a year and things are going great. apart from one issue.
my bf comments on other women, saying things like " oh shes hot" " look at those legs" you get the picture. i think this is disrespectful and its begining to impact on me. i feel insecure over this. i know there are plenty of attractive women out there and i know its natural to look, i look at men but i would never comment on them as i feel it would be disrespectful towards him.
i have told him how i feel and he doesnt comment as regulary as he use to but it still bothers me. i dont think he takes me seriously over this issue. im a good looking girl but i feel so inferior. i dont see why he feels the need to tell me about the lovely pair of legs the women in the pink dress has.
has anyone any advice on what i can do?
or can any men explian why some men think its ok to do this.
i tried putting this into relationship issues but it wouldnt let me do it privately so appologies

Dante

No reason to be insecure over that, its a guy thing.....don't take anything from it!

mardybum

Gotta tell ya, I feel the same way. Couldn't believe when I got into my first serious relationship years ago and found out I was the type of person who gets jealous/insecure about stuff like that! Generally Im such a laid back person.

Its definitely hard, but everyone has their own set of standards about this. I know girls and guys who just don't care if their OH comments on passing hotties, and I know girls and guys who get really jealous about it.

I think the only thing you can do is explain that to you, its hurtful and you wish he would be discrete.

At the same time you tell yourself everyday that it doesn't matter, it's not a big deal. Possibly throw out the odd comment yourself, that way you know by saying, 'dude to your left is hot' doesn't mean 'hey boyfriend, I see another attractive man, therefore I love you less'

easyeason3

All guys do this so don't panic. Some don't say it out loud but some do.
He obviously appreciates the female body, which is probably why he's with you.
Get yourself a nice sexy basque, suspender belt, stockings & some high heels & watch how he looks at you. Walk into the room & really watch how his eyes watch you, there's no other feeling that will make you feel sexier.
He will probably still comment on random women he passes but remember that you're the one who drives him wild & that in turn will give you confidence to appreciate yourself.

messygirl

i usually join in and make appreciastive comments about the girl then direct the attention onto me (whisper in ear wish i had my legs wrapped around you!) it can get very annoying though, just roll your eyes every time her does it he'll get annoyed about it, and you can say it annoys you him looking at other women and then ye are both annoyed so maybe he will stop

Heineken Helen

easyeason3 wrote: »

All guys do this so don't panic. Some don't say it out loud but some do.
He obviously appreciates the female body, which is probably why he's with you.
Get yourself a nice sexy basque, suspender belt, stockings & some high heels & watch how he looks at you. Walk into the room & really watch how his eyes watch you, there's no other feeling that will make you feel sexier.
He will probably still comment on random women he passes but remember that you're the one who drives him wild & that in turn will give you confidence to appreciate yourself.

No need to treat him for his behaviour

It is a little disrespectful... I've only had one bf do that but I took it as a green light for me to comment on every guy I saw . I think there was less trust in that relationship than any of my others though . Don't know if THAT was the reason but I'm sure it didn't help. I would have a bit of fun with it but I can see why others wouldn't want to.

LegacyUser

To be honest I dont think this is something you should have to live with, some might be ok with it but I know i wouldnt be. I would find guys attractive but i'd never say it to my boyfriend because it would hurt him... He would never do that to me cause he knows it would only make me jealous and hurt. not to a huge extend, could very easily get over it but why hurt someone you love when you dont have to?!

He must not understand how this gets to you(dont see how the hell you'd think its an ok subject topic for with your girlfriend unless your trying to make her jealous but anyway). So maybe talk to him about it again, say it is simply NOT OK to mention to you.

other option.. start talking about hot guys you see everywhere... on the bus home, in work in movies, on tv, in magazines etc etc, see how he feels about being constantly compared to other guys!*








*may be slightly less mature option

villains77

hi all. my ex was a bit of a buny boiler. she didnt want me looking at a woman at all. i would never say look at her nice ass or anything like that. but iam /was with her so dont see what her problem was . little did i know she was cheating on me all the time with half the town. she was from the country and i live in dub so wasnt with her all the time. glad it over i never saw the prob of a glance but i would never say to her look at her body or isnt she a beauty anything like that.
hope you cna sort it out

r14

I don't see the big deal. I'd often make comments about people out and about or on tv and my girlfriend would do the same. I watch rugby for the match but she clearly just wants to see Brian O'Driscoll (and tells me this). If your boyfriend/girlfriend loves you that's all you should ask and I think it shows a level of comfort to be able to make comments like this to each other.

It's just a jokey thing because I clearly love my girlfriend and want to be with her and vice versa. In fact she will sometimes point out a girl she thinks is pretty (generally I don't think they are - different strokes etc). In return if I see a guy I think she'd like I'd point him out. It's not meant to be taken seriously - it's not saying I'm going to leave you for him/her unless you get better looking soon.

It's really not a big deal and you should accept that actions speak louder than words. Your boyfriend obviously finds you attractive so just accept this and treat the comments as the bit of fun that they are.

molloyjh

Guys will always look at other women. It's one thing you can be sure of. And there's nothing wrong with it to be honest. Saying it around you though is a bit insensitive. I'd be inclined to say he's just being a bit daft and should have more cop on, but there's nothing nasty or troubling about it IMO.

I've always checked out other women when I've been in relationships. I do try to be subtle about it obviously, but, well we all know men and subtly don't really go hand in hand! The thing is for as much as I've appreciated other girls beauty, I've always been far more attracted to the girl I was with at the time. Otherwise I wouldn't have been with her. It's a passing appreciation and he'll have forgotten all about her in a few minutes, while he'll still be into you (in a far greater way) for however long you're together.

He's obviously quite secure and comfortable around you and as long as he's affectionate and intimate with you then I think you can breath easy.

LegacyUser

Ah I'm sick of this nonsense that "Oh you know men, we'll always check out other women; we can't help ourselves!"fine to check them subtley but why do some men feel the need to COMMENT about other women to their GIRLFRIENDS of all people? Do they think we care? Why would we care? We're not "one of the lads", we're their bleedin' girlfriends and we're excpected to feel comfortable while we stand beside our boyfriends leering over another woman....cope on, gentlemen! If the tables were turned, I know they wouldn't be happy so why do something to someone that you couldn't handle yourself.

I've had experience with this with an ex...he'd comment on everyone and finally I confronted him and asked him why he did it and he didn't really know himself. Turns out the guy was one of the most insecure men i've ever come across, very jealous and went mental if I talked to my male friends. Perhaps it's a man's way of getting the message across that, "Yeah, you're hot but you're not the only one so don't think you're all that"...a way of keeping us "in line" perhaps? It's an insecurity on their part, I think.

OP, I think you've every right to be annoyed. It's just plain disrespectful.

LegacyUser

"why do some men feel the need to COMMENT about other women to their GIRLFRIENDS of all people?"

Last time i checked ones girlfriend is supposed to be the person your totally open and honest with. Chances are thats the case. I very much doubt it's got anything to do with a dislike for the woman yours with. I say **** like that to my GF the whole and of late she's started to do the same. I know she's happy with me and I'm very much happy with her and thats whats important. It means as much as saying i wanna bang megan fox on the bathroom floor. It's true.. but NEVER gonna happen because my gf is the most important person to me.

molloyjh

Arrrrrrghhhhhh wrote: »

Perhaps it's a man's way of getting the message across that, "Yeah, you're hot but you're not the only one so don't think you're all that"...a way of keeping us "in line" perhaps? It's an insecurity on their part, I think.

Ah here, ease up there would ya! It's basic animal instinct to pay attention to the opposite sex. Women check men out the same way men check women out. I agree that a guy shouldn't be going on about it in front of his girlfriend, but more often than not it's stupidity that has them do it and not some wierd method of trying to keep women "in line". Any bloke that thinks that way or does that is just a moron.

I've had gf's that have told me this or that guy is hot, and personally I'm ok with it to a degree. I know people look at other people and as long as thats all it is then its fine. If it happens non-stop then yeah I'd have an issue with it, but an occassional "oh he's cute" would never bother me. The issue here is that the OPs bf just doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut on the issue. It's something he can work on and resolve so focus on that and less of the man-hating talk!!!!

LegacyUser

thanks for your comments. although i know its only natural to look at members of teh opposite sex, i still would comment on another male to my bf. he commentrs on women when im with him, or if we're with his friends, even when his sister is with us. now if his sisters bf was commenting on other women i dont think my bf would be too happy with that.
we are very comfortable with each other but that doesnt mean that he can say these things to me. im not a jealous person, and i would consider myself confident however recently ive become more concious and wrapped up in my looks.
i dont care if some girl has nice legs or if shes got a nice ass, so what? i dont see why he needs to say these things to me.
i know he loves me, but i just cant stand hearing about other women, i see attractive women and men all the time but i dont feel the need to comment on them.

Heineken Helen

I think it's a sign of him being comfortable with you... that he treats you like a friend as well as a gf. It's not something to be worried about... BUT once you've asked him to stop doing it, he should. It's like anything else, if your other half isn't happy with something you try to cut it down or cut it out.

SaintHubbins

My other half wouldn't tolerate me commenting on other women and I totally understand that so I only do it if I'm deliberately trying to piss her off! He is being a bit of a dick if he persists after you told him you're insecure about it. If he does it again, give him a taste of his own medicine and start making comments about guys you find attractive; for example, any guy walking with a stoop you can say he must have a hefty langer on him and start licking your lips seductively. Or whatever works for you!

John Mason

me and my OH point members of the opposite sex out to each other all the time

its hardly a big deal

bluecell99

donnowhattodo wrote: »

thanks for your comments. although i know its only natural to look at members of teh opposite sex, i still would comment on another male to my bf. he commentrs on women when im with him, or if we're with his friends, even when his sister is with us. now if his sisters bf was commenting on other women i dont think my bf would be too happy with that.
we are very comfortable with each other but that doesnt mean that he can say these things to me. im not a jealous person, and i would consider myself confident however recently ive become more concious and wrapped up in my looks.
i dont care if some girl has nice legs or if shes got a nice ass, so what? i dont see why he needs to say these things to me.
i know he loves me, but i just cant stand hearing about other women, i see attractive women and men all the time but i dont feel the need to comment on them.

You know he loves you.Thats all that matters.In fact it is a very healthy sign of your relationship that he feels confident enough to pass a comment about another girl.Shows he is very happy with you!Dont make the mistake of thinking that just because you are in a relationship that either partner suddenly loses their ability to find someone else attractive.Its human nature.But of course the majority of people would never act on it.

Obviously it causes you bother but the fsct that,as you say yourself,he is not doing it as much then he is obviously taking your concerns on board.

Its chill time.Enjoy your relationship.Stop the analysing .No future there and unfair to you and him

LegacyUser

as ive said before, i know it is natural to look at members of teh opposite sex, but i do not personally think it is respectful towards me to comment on other women. like if we're going out i may taqke a long time getting ready and make a big effort, he doesnt usually comment on how i look but yet the first half decent looking female he sees he'l comment on her, this is how it has made me insecure.
it may not be a big deal to some people but i think its obvious that its a big deal for me, i wouldnt have started a thread about it otherwise.
i just wonder if he's tryin to keep me on my toes or what? is he tryin to make me jealous. my God his friend tells him often that im gorgrous but i dont hear it from my bf, i dont care about his friend, i want to hear it from my bf, its hardly much to ask

pookie82

Unregistered wrote: »

"why do some men feel the need to COMMENT about other women to their GIRLFRIENDS of all people?"

Last time i checked ones girlfriend is supposed to be the person your totally open and honest with. Chances are thats the case. I very much doubt it's got anything to do with a dislike for the woman yours with. I say **** like that to my GF the whole and of late she's started to do the same. I know she's happy with me and I'm very much happy with her and thats whats important. It means as much as saying i wanna bang megan fox on the bathroom floor. It's true.. but NEVER gonna happen because my gf is the most important person to me.

Ok there's abig difference between being open and honest with one another on the important things etc, and informing your OH constantly of every hot member of the opposite sex who crosses your path. Lots of people have come on here and said so what, no big deal, me and my BF/GF do it all the time. Point is, it IS a big deal to the OP. It makes her feel uncomfortable and disrespected and I can understand why.

OP tell him to stop informing you when he sees someone he thinks is attractive. It's one thing to say it about someone on the tv but another entirely to say it about a girl in the same bar in my opinion (maybe that's got to do with accessibility or something, but it'd get to me much more if my OH commented constantly on girls on the street/in the pub rather than "unattainable" girls on tv). Don't turn it into an argument, or leave the real problem unmentioned and instead get catty with him over it. Sit him down next time it happens and tell him that while you understand he will look and appreciate, it makes you uncomfortable to hear about it and there is absolutely no reason for him to share the information with you.

Unless he's a complete moron, that should work.