Men and Women

i didn't do it

MEN JOKES

One day God called Adam to him and said: "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"The good news," replied Adam.
"Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
"OK.." said Adam warily. "And what's the bad news?"
"I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."

Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
Because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How can you tell if a man is really well hung?
When you can just slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What do men and tights have in common?
They're both apt to cling, run, and never fit properly between your legs.

What is the real difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Why do men like smart, sexy women?
Opposites attract.

Why is psychoanalysis so much quicker for men than for women?
Men don't need to be regressed back to their childhood.

Why are well-dressed men always married?
Because their wife chooses their clothes for them.

What do you call a man with only half a brain?
Gifted.

Why are men such ****?
Because they have a willy with a head but no brains that hangs out with two nuts and lives next door to an arsehole.

What do a beer bottles and men have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.

Why can women never find their way to a man's heart?
Because they aim too high.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why don't women talk during foreplay?
They don't have enough time.

Why does it take three million sperm to fertilize one single egg?
Because they're too stupid to ask for directions.

How does a man show a woman that he is planning for the future?
He buys ten cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and premium bonds?
Premium bonds might mature.

Why are most jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
No one knows because it's never been done.

Why is it so difficult for women to pick up men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They're all gay

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night.
A widow.

Why do married women weigh more than single women?
Single women come home and see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, take one look at what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How do you get a man to go down on a woman?
Put the TV remote between her legs.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

A man once asked God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God answered: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man asked, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God replied: "So she would love you."


WOMEN JOKES

Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
Because if all of them went it would be hell.

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it.

Why is a Launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to keep you in the manner to which you've become accustomed.

How can you tell when your wife is really aroused in bed?
She puts down her nail file.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something really clever?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me.."

How do you repair a woman's watch?
You don't need to. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is shouting through the letter box, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created
Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Sea Sharp

Angry woman jokes. Learn to drive!!!

That_Guy

I've heard a lot of them before. I laughed, I cried and I died a little inside.