Childish bf

LegacyUser

Hi all. with my bf for 5 years. im 30 while his 39. found out 6 weeks ago that i was 2
months pregnant. my bf said he was delighted, thrilled etc. We went on holidays 3 weeks
ago, had great time etc. Then the week we got back, my bf just went silent on me, ignored
all my calls and texts and made no contact. Found out from friends then that he was out drinking all last weekend, going to night clubs, house parties etc. He has done this kinda thing numerous times throughout our relationship. We had no fight or argument leading up to his mood. He finally answered his phone to me on Monday said he had things on his mind and that i would only be annoying him if he was in contact with me! I asked him was it the baby and the pressure it mite put us under and he said no.
My first scan is next Tuesday and feel like my bf's behaviour has just ruined the excitement
we should have leading up to the first scan. Yet when i spoke to my bf about how now that there's a baby on the way, i cant accept him walking out for days without contact, his attitude was more or less get over it, whats done is done and that he couldn't promise he wouldn't get like that again!! Really do need this crap from him,now of all times...

LegacyUser

Unregistered39 wrote: »

Hi all. with my bf for 5 years. im 30 while his 39. found out 6 weeks ago that i was 2
months pregnant. my bf said he was delighted, thrilled etc. We went on holidays 3 weeks
ago, had great time etc. Then the week we got back, my bf just went silent on me, ignored
all my calls and texts and made no contact. Found out from friends then that he was out drinking all last weekend, going to night clubs, house parties etc. He has done this kinda thing numerous times throughout our relationship. We had no fight or argument leading up to his mood. He finally answered his phone to me on Monday said he had things on his mind and that i would only be annoying him if he was in contact with me! I asked him was it the baby and the pressure it mite put us under and he said no.
My first scan is next Tuesday and feel like my bf's behaviour has just ruined the excitement
we should have leading up to the first scan. Yet when i spoke to my bf about how now that there's a baby on the way, i cant accept him walking out for days without contact, his attitude was more or less get over it, whats done is done and that he couldn't promise he wouldn't get like that again!! Really do need this crap from him,now of all times...

Get out while you can.

I put up with this for 4 years. He is 39, if hasn't stopped now he never will. It took me a while to realise it but it's the truth. With my ex it affected every area of his life. He is self-employed & work suffered, also money wasn't coming in to fund these binges. In fact he was up to his eyes in debt. We lived together for a while and he never had money to apy bills etc, and when he did pay his share he did is grudgingly. He is still living with his parents now at 36, it's pathetic.

Think about your unborn child. What example do you think he would be setting. How would explain to them why daddy hadn't come home in a few days?

I had 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage and while I was very saddened at the time and will always remember them, in hindsight I think it wasn't meant to be because he would not be a good father.

It's not worth it OP, you and the baby deserve better

star-pants

Ok, firstly I think he's acting out of order. Ye have been together 5 years, found out ye are expecting a baby, been on hols and then he bails to be a teenager for a few days and expects you to just accept it? Doesn't stand in my book.

I would try and get him to talk about it again, maybe he's scared of being a dad and just went a bit nuts fora few days. But he needs to at least tell you that instead of stressing you out with it possibly happening again.

easyeason3

Personally if it was me I'd be telling him to take a run & jump. He sounds like an incredibly immature, self centered idiot. Fair enough if he has something on his mind but to act like a spoilt child & ignore you when you are carrying his baby is inexcusable.
At 39 years of age he should be showing an awful lot more maturity & responsibility.

LegacyUser

it looks like he's not very commited and you let him get away with it. Cut all contact, he's taking you for granted. After 5 years you are not living together? How is that?

Heineken Helen

Wow, that's incredibly selfish and immature. I wouldn't recommend you take a run YET, unless you want to, cos you ARE having a kid together. You two are going to HAVE to sit down and have a proper chat about this. You're going to have to lay down the law... there is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour. It sounds like you may as well be a single mother at least you'd know where you stand.

I'm sorry though and I hope someone here comes up with some good advice for ya and that you can figure this out.

CDfm

It is time for a chat with the boy child as he cant put off growing up anymore.

Be sympathetic.

A word of caution - I got the whole involve you in baby birth trip years back and I am really very squeamish - and it did really put me off. I love my kids but my memories of their births are not happy.Not so at all.

Lollipops23

agreed with CDfm(for once!)he is out of order,he's 39 and has had plenty of time for acting like a kid,now he has to grow up for his own kid.

however, i friend of mine had a similar problem when she was in the early stages of her pregancy(they're both in early 20s). while she was at home reading what to expect when you're expecting he was out partying. when confronted he said he was just using the opportunity to enjoy himself before it all kicked off....i can see both their points though!

look i think you need to really need to talk to him,you need his support right now and he's acting like a kid!

Dudess

Lollipops23 wrote: »

however, i friend of mine had a similar problem when she was in the early stages of her pregancy(they're both in early 20s). while she was at home reading what to expect when you're expecting he was out partying. when confronted he said he was just using the opportunity to enjoy himself before it all kicked off....i can see both their points though!

Yeah, but it's far more understandable in the case of a guy who's in his early 20s... the OP's partner is at least 15 years older. That said, some people find settling down a difficult one to accept no matter what age they are.

biko

He might be having difficulties coping with the fact he is going to be a dad.
Since he can still drink he might choose that outlet.

Once he cops on more he could turn out to be a great dad. I've heard men don't realise they're a dad until about 6 months AFTER the baby is born, I guess we're just wired that way.

CDfm

Dudess wrote: »

Yeah, but it's far more understandable in the case of a guy who's in his early 20s... the OP's partner is at least 15 years older. That said, some people find settling down a difficult one to accept no matter what age they are.

Not really so.

An older guy is likely to have an established lifestyle and habits which can be more affected.

A few items hit out at me.

The holiday was great and then it was back to reality and the party weekend could have been a holiday "bounce". So I wouldnt really pay to much attention to that unless he is doing it all the time.

The next is you are not living together. A big issue and his commitment may not be what you imagined. You are growing and changing with the pregnancy but he will not be -at least not until the birth.Let him acclimatise.

Now - most guys find pregnancy more traumatic than fatherhood. I did. There is no need for guys to go to scans and half the stuff especially if they are scared. I would watch this one if I were you as the number of big guys I know who were absolutely delighted with caesarians is more than the number that were at the births.

You also have financial responsibility looming in these recessionary times . Yup -what does he work at and is his income affected is something I would consider.So yes he may have other worries too. Not an excuse but last year and the year before there was loads of money going around and now there is not.

So I would be easier on yourself and him and given what you have said I might prepare for the worst ie going thru pregnancy on your own etc as a single Mum. Thats not to say it will be like that but keep him up to date and invite him along to things rather than forcing him to attend.

Sorry if I seem to be excusing him but I just think it may be nicer for both of you to be more relaxed and comfortable.

At the risk of being gauche -which I am - have you spoken about sex during pregnancy. It might lighten the mood all around.

Heineken Helen

CDfm wrote: »

Not really so.

An older guy is likely to have an established lifestyle and habits which can be more affected.

A few items hit out at me.

The holiday was great and then it was back to reality and the party weekend could have been a holiday "bounce". So I wouldnt really pay to much attention to that unless he is doing it all the time.

The next is you are not living together. A big issue and his commitment may not be what you imagined. You are growing and changing with the pregnancy but he will not be -at least not until the birth.Let him acclimatise.

Now - most guys find pregnancy more traumatic than fatherhood. I did. There is no need for guys to go to scans and half the stuff especially if they are scared. I would watch this one if I were you as the number of big guys I know who were absolutely delighted with caesarians is more than the number that were at the births.

You also have financial responsibility looming in these recessionary times . Yup -what does he work at and is his income affected is something I would consider.So yes he may have other worries too.

So I would be easier on yourself and him and given what you have said I might prepare for the worst ie going thru pregnancy on your own etc as a single Mum. Thats not to say it will be like that but keep him up to date and invite him along to things rather than forcing him to attend.

I understand where you're coming from but, seriously, pregnancy is the scariest thing I can imagine :eek: . I can imagine myself dealing with illness but when I start imagining being pregnant it scares the crap out of me. No WAY would I do that unless I had someone who was fully committed to catering for my every fear during those 9 months. I cannot imagine anything more terrifying than having to do this alone... the OP should NOT have to be pandering for him right now... she's going to be going through a lot of hormonal stuff and it's him who needs to be considering all the support SHE needs. Sure they both need to be supportive but he's not a kid... she's pregnant and she doesn't need to be raising another kid.

What you suggest would be right if she were not now carrying his child or if they were trying to save the relationship but, in a relationship, the pregnant woman should come first at all times.

There is no need for guys to be going to scans and half the stuff???:eek: The reason is not always for their pleasure... it's to be supportive cos you're supposed to be in this together... and that's rarely the case.

He needs to wake up and grow up.

Bren1609

An unplanned pregnancy might have something to do with his behaviour. Is this another case of a man being hoodwinked into settling down with a women who decides to making herself pergnant because she's starting to push on in life despite her claims that she was on the pill the whole time.

I just cant get over the amount of people who claim their pregnancy was unplanned despite birth control being 98% effective. I think the Irish Medical board should launch an investigation into the failure rate of birth control among Irish women.

No wonder he's going on the piss for a few days, he's just been hit with a life sentence, let him enjoy his last bit of freedom in peace.

Lollipops23

Bren1609 wrote: »

Is this another case of a man being hoodwinked into settling down with a women who decides to making herself pergnant because she's starting to push on in life despite her claims that she was on the pill the whole time.

I just cant get over the amount of people who claim their pregnancy was unplanned despite birth control being 98% effective. I think the Irish Medical board should launch an investigation into the failure rate of birth control among Irish women.

No wonder he's going on the piss for a few days, he's just been hit with a life sentence, let him enjoy his last bit of freedom in peace.

????????????/eh????paranoid much?

Heineken Helen

Bren1609 wrote: »

An unplanned pregnancy might have something to do with his behaviour. Is this another case of a man being hoodwinked into settling down with a women who decides to making herself pergnant because she's starting to push on in life despite her claims that she was on the pill the whole time.

I just cant get over the amount of people who claim their pregnancy was unplanned despite birth control being 98% effective. I think the Irish Medical board should launch an investigation into the failure rate of birth control among Irish women.

No wonder he's going on the piss for a few days, he's just been hit with a life sentence, let him enjoy his last bit of freedom in peace.

:rolleyes: 2% failure rate is quite big... if you're in a relationship how many times are you going to be having sex? Even if it's only once a week, that means that once a year you're effectively unprotected. A few other factors thrown in there and it happens quite simply. Sure there are some women who do that... BUT do you know there are also some MEN who purposely get their so's pregnant to trap HER? I've known a couple of them and I would say the rates, if known, would be higher than you'd expect.

She didn't get 9 months notice of a life sentence like he did. Men need to be more responsible and treat the mother of their child or future child with at LEAST respect.

CDfm

Heineken Helen wrote: »

I can imagine myself dealing with illness but when I start imagining being pregnant it scares the crap out of me.
No WAY would I do that unless I had someone who was fully committed to catering for my every fear during those 9 months.
I cannot imagine anything more terrifying than having to do this alone...

Its not what I intended but fear is catching and if the OP makes a catastrophe out of it then any fear he has will be worse. Less drama pregnancy is not an illness.

the OP should NOT have to be pandering for him right now... she's going to be going through a lot of hormonal stuff and it's him who needs to be considering all the support SHE needs. Sure they both need to be supportive but he's not a kid... she's pregnant and she doesn't need to be raising another kid.

Everyone has sensitivities Helen even expectant Dads. Anyway no one has told my daughter yet that its not her job to walk me into the Dentist - shes 15 does anyone think she knows:o

What you suggest would be right if she were not now carrying his child or if they were trying to save the relationship but, in a relationship, the pregnant woman should come first at all times.

Really - I tought it was their child and the baby came first:rolleyes:

There is no need for guys to be going to scans and half the stuff???:eek: The reason is not always for their pleasure... it's to be supportive cos you're supposed to be in this together... and that's rarely the case.

If he is scared then no. I know a woman GP who is against it in some circumstances for that reason

He needs to wake up and grow up.

Maybe both need to relax as you can see from the amounts of opinions there is no shortage of speculation.

There is no right or wrong way but there should be mutual respect.

OP I dont mean to crack on that he may being afraid of pregnancy issues as the only thing - it could be anything financial or being caught into being a dad I only want to point out that life is the science of silly things and being calm and relaxed is catching and its a bit nicer too.

994

Lollipops23 wrote: »

????????????/eh????paranoid much?

http://glennsacks.com/blog/?p=2044 42% of British women say that they would have an "accident" if their husband/partner didn't want a baby...

Lollipops23

i meant that he was paranoid for immediately jumping to the conclusion that OP has got pregnant to trap her OH.

Dudess

Bren1609 wrote: »

Is this another case of a man being hoodwinked into settling down with a women who decides to making herself pergnant because she's starting to push on in life despite her claims that she was on the pill the whole time.

Based on...? To me it looks like a case of a couple who are together five years, aren't exactly teens (although of the two, it's he who's starting to "push on in life" far moreso than she) and therefore not always militant about birth control.
But oh no, that's GOT to be a recipe for "trapping" him...

No wonder he's going on the piss for a few days, he's just been hit with a life sentence, let him enjoy his last bit of freedom in peace.

Oh yeah, it's only the OP who had a role to play here - nothing to do with her partner... :rolleyes:

philologos

OP: You have more to think about. You and him are bringing a child into this world, you should think long and hard about the merits and the disadvantages before breaking up with him. Another poster said something to the effect of he's 39, he hasn't changed and he will never change. That's just pure pessimism, and I think if anyone deserves another chance in this situation it is him. It's more than just a relationship now, there's also the factor of responsibilities.

Beruthiel

Bren1609 wrote: »

An unplanned pregnancy might have something to do with his behaviour. Is this another case of a man being hoodwinked into settling down with a women who decides to making herself pergnant because she's starting to push on in life despite her claims that she was on the pill the whole time.

Take your paranoia elsewhere, it has no place in this thread, nor is it the topic under discussion.

Heineken Helen

CDfm wrote: »

Really - I tought it was their child and the baby came first:rolleyes:

I've said my piece on the rest of your points but I'll just comment on this one.

You're right... of course the CHILD comes first... SHE'S putting the child first by trying to ensure she's safe during pregnancy by having someone to look out for her... AND she's putting the child first by trying to make the childs dad grow up before it's born. The child is inside her so, to keep the child safe, she must be kept safe.

He, on the other hand, is disappearing for a weekend on the piss with no regard for her and her needs or their childs needs so he's putting HIM first and him ONLY.

CDfm

Heineken Helen wrote: »

I've said my piece on the rest of your points but I'll just comment on this one.

You're right... of course the CHILD comes first... SHE'S putting the child first by trying to ensure she's safe during pregnancy by having someone to look out for her... AND she's putting the child first by trying to make the childs dad grow up before it's born. The child is inside her so, to keep the child safe, she must be kept safe.

He, on the other hand, is disappearing for a weekend on the piss with no regard for her and her needs or their childs needs so he's putting HIM first and him ONLY.

You probably have your mind made up - but relationships get complex during pregnancy for both parents. The OP cant make him do anything.

I'm guessing chilling out a bit would resolve most things and certainly wont make things worse.

Was it Brendan Behan who said "there is no situation that the presence of a policeman hasn't made worse"

Bren1609

Beruthiel wrote: »

Take your paranoia elsewhere, it has no place in this thread, nor is it the topic under discussion.

I’m just pointing out possible explanations for this mans behaviour. As for my paranoia, let’s look at the facts:

1. 30 yo woman
2. 39 yo man
3. Going out with bf for 5 years
4. Bf has a history of childish behaviour, (OP words not mine)
5. Not living together
6. Bf has showed no indication of settling down

Reasonable assumption is that she decides - if he won’t settle down, I’ll make him settle down.

We all know the scenario whether we like it or not. 4 of my male friends have had unplanned pregnancies. All of them were unmarried and all of their girlfriends were supposedly on the pill and in each case none of them were living together. On that basis alone the 98% effectiveness rate of birth control does stand up to scrutiny.

Either Irish women have some genetic predisposition to birth control pills or all the defective batches of pills are sent to Ireland via the Vatican.

Silverfish

Bren1609 banned for a week for unhelpful posting, dragging thread off topic, and ignoring a moderator warning.

If you have an agenda to push, don't push it here.

Nitxteha

Where is the moderator's warning for Bren1609? Why was he banned? he wasn't offensive.

I think his point was that maybe the boyfriend was childish but the OP is being "childish" too (and no offence, please!) by thinking a 39 yo man is going to commit or change by her getting pregnant (planned or unplanned).

I know a couple of cases of girls who got pregnant on the pill, too. I call it the Irish pill because from what I've observed, it fails here more than anywhere else

I hope this opinion is ok with the moderator...

MissHoneyBun

Dudess wrote: »

some people find settling down a difficult one to accept no matter what age they are.

In which case he shouldn't be making babies! If people can't handle the consequences of their actions, then they shouldn't do them.

Facts are, he's been man enough to produce a child now he has to be man enough to act responsibly towards that child and it's welfare.

994

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

In which case he shouldn't be making babies! If people can't handle the consequences of their actions, then they shouldn't do them.

Facts are, he's been man enough to produce a child now he has to be man enough to act responsibly towards that child and it's welfare.

Would you say the same of a woman who wanted an abortion, or who wanted to put a child up for adoption?

SarahSassy

As for the other posters who suggests that OP mollycoddles her bf, holds his hand while she is going through this and basically puts his needs first - will ye cop on... He sounds like a useless lump with no sense of responsibility. The consequences of him not using adequate contraception is now staring him in the face and to be honest at 39 he would want to wise up.

OP you are being too soft on him and he now has you chasing after him and allowing him play puck. Is this the life you want for yourself?

Take care of yourself and the baby first. Tell him the scan is on and tbh if he didnt show to a scan with me he would be dumped. Its 50% his responsibility and tbh why would he not care enough to do go a scan... What if (God forbid) a problem was discovered, this being the reason for scans, is he not man enough to be there for you. Appalling weak behaviour and if this is a sample of whats to come then I dont envy you.

dudara

994 and SarahSassy - stick to the topic at hand. This thread is in danger of getting derailed and us mods will be watching it.

Please take the time to read the charter with regard to posting in this forum.

dudara

pisslips

I think it's a valid point that the OP's boyfriend might not have felt the relationship was a serious as the OP herself and may be, possibly irrationally, weary of the OP's motives. He might have other,''immature'', friends supporting this claim.He probably is afraid of losing his youth and freedom, this is not to say that he won't get over it, it's probably just a shock thats gradually setting in.
Also, when he seemed delighted when you told him could just have been the only acceptable reaction he could give you.
He was probably just confused and wanted time to think about it really.Often I find it you have a really difficult decision, you can go on a bit of a bender and come back with a new perspective, usually during the excruciating hangover.It's a bit bit stupid but sometimes it seems to work as a bit of a release.So long as you're not causing serious physical damage i don't see the harm.