Whats Going On In His Head

LegacyUser

My bf broke up with me 2 months ago and it was devastating to say the least. he told me he didn't feel the same way about me anymore and had been feeling that way for a couple of months (big shock to me, he was saying i love you everyday). at the moment we're 'friends' and we keep in touch alot but i'm wondering does anyone else have experience of this.

its very confusing to me as i would have assumed when someone breaks up with you because they don't feel the same way they wouldn't want to see you again but he's texting and ringing me everyday and if i'm sad he'll keep me company on the phone and he wants to support me in that way (when hes been the cause of all my upset). the relationship is definitely finished but i don't know why someone would seem to be caring in this way and stay on the phone with me for hours to make me feel better. We see each other a few times a week too.

any insight would be appreciated.

kitty_dillon1@h

im not in the same situation as you but my boyfriend and i did break up after 3 and a half years last week.i finished it because we haven't been getting on that well lately but when i wanted to sort it out and try again he says he wants to be on his own to sort his head out. but he says hes still in love with me and misses me!!!
i know my boyfriend does still love me and im hoping after some time on his own he might want to try again but only time will tell!!

its so hard to handle hearing him say he loves me but doesnt want to try again and in your case its hard for you to hear he doesnt love you but yet he wants to keep contact and still see you!!

why dont you just ask him is he having second thoughts about finishing it? or maybe you should just say to him that for you to move on you need to break contact because its too confusing for you.

Wibbs

unreg657 he's doing it from self centered reasons. Oh sure it may look to some that he's trying to be nice etc, but the majority of his motives come from his own need to feel less guilty, keep you on the backburner as emotional support, or keep you on the backburner for no strings legover time. I work on the principle, don't listen to peoples words, look at their actions. Someone says "I love you", but is not there for you, well then 90% of the time either they're a mentalist or they're lying. Cut contact with him. If someone leaves let them leave.

LegacyUser

Its the most confusing thing in the world. Saying one thing and doing another.

Chances are he does, in some respects, still love and care for you but not in the way that you need to make the relationship work. I think its great that you too can be amicable and still get on but you need space and time to sort things out in your own head.

I would try and out some distance between the two of you. By all means meet up, whatever but don't lean on him for support. It doesn't have to be nasty, when you need to talk call a friend or family member, go for tea with friends....don't make him your first port of call as soon as you feel down.

Its a fair point to say he could be having second thoughts but he could also be trying to make himself feel better for hurting you by trying to support you.

Chin up eh?

deisebabe

break contact completely. Still talking to him is just drawing out the breakup and making it worse for you. if you want to be friends with him 6 months down the line then thats fair enough. but for now get away from him and you'll get over him quicker.

Babooshka

unreg657 wrote: »

My bf broke up with me 2 months ago and it was devastating to say the least. he told me he didn't feel the same way about me anymore and had been feeling that way for a couple of months (big shock to me, he was saying i love you everyday). at the moment we're 'friends' and we keep in touch alot but i'm wondering does anyone else have experience of this.
.

I agree with the others who say cut contact. I had this happen on and off with someone and believe me I wish I hadn't wasted that few years of my life. It was torture. Maybe he's confused and loves you, or maybe he doesn't love you, but either way, that's not your issue or your fault, he's the one mixed up, so tell yourself that's not good enough for you and walk away. They're messy horrible mixed signals and they're not good for anyone. And, in the long run, building yourself up without him is best all round. Maybe he'll come back to you then but the important thing is you feel good about you, regardless of him. If you let him keep contact in your life it'll influence every decision you make and every other relationship you have, it did with me, to the point it weakened me to feeling "nothing" without him and he felt great about himself, why wouldn't he with a young woman with everything going for her pining after him. Don't be that girl....it's a horrible feeling. Throw him back in the water if he comes back, you decide if it's worth it, you're worth a lot more and I wish I'd asked the same question when it happened to me instead of wasting my time. Best of luck.

Beruthiel

unreg657 wrote: »

its very confusing to me as i would have assumed when someone breaks up with you because they don't feel the same way they wouldn't want to see you again but he's texting and ringing me everyday and if i'm sad he'll keep me company on the phone and he wants to support me in that way (when hes been the cause of all my upset).

That is a total head melt. Seriously.
All you are allowing him to do right now is mentally torture you. Instead of starting the healing process of getting over him, you are extending it.
You feel like crap right? Do you like feeling this way?
Well, until you cut ALL contact and start to get on with your life, you will continue to feel this way.

ellie1

He is acting like a total tool. He obviously feels guilty that he upset you and is trying to get rid of that guilt by being there for you. He will continue being your friend and being there for you so he can justify in his head what a great person he is. And like someone else said if needs be your the no strings attached sex or the backup plan.

Meanwhile your trying to move on and clinging on to false hope because he is so good and always there for you. The choice is yours. The likely hood of him cutting contact is zero so you need to do it. You will never get over him as long as he continues to be a part of your life. Kick him to the kerb and get in touch with your real friends who have no hidden agenda. Or else continue seeing him and wonder in six months time why its taking you so long to get over him.

jellie

Wibbs wrote: »

unreg657 he's doing it from self centered reasons. Oh sure it may look to some that he's trying to be nice etc, but the majority of his motives come from his own need to feel less guilty, keep you on the backburner as emotional support, or keep you on the backburner for no strings legover time. I work on the principle, don't listen to peoples words, look at their actions. Someone says "I love you", but is not there for you, well then 90% of the time either they're a mentalist or they're lying. Cut contact with him. If someone leaves let them leave.

+1 to this.

hes doing what suits him. he doesnt want a relationship, but it suits him to stay friends so he gets what he wants from you without the bf tag.

i can never stay friends with exs (proper long term exs). to me if feels like im being demoted - "youre not good enough to be my girlfriend anymore but i still want you around".

& apart from that, youll never move on if youre in contact with him, trying to figure out whats going on with him, trying to figure out if he wants you back. maybe you can be friends in the future but after the breakup its usually best to cut contact. its hard, but if you dont youll only drag the pain on for longer.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the insight. Its what I expected of course but some great points were made which I hadn't thought of esp about being demoted. I hadn't thought of it that way and its so right.

My only problem is that I do find the contact a comfort and thats why its very hard to stop it. It has made me feel better to still be in each others lives. Also I don't think he's being friends out of guilt because I think he feels he did the right thing. We've been best friends for years so thats why its hard to have that friendship gone too (as well as the bf part).

Wibbs

Exactly as sar84 says, it's a demotion. Lover to friend? Arse I have enough friends. They are very different things and this is why like sar84 I don't keep long term exes around.

Ginny

Please don't keep in contact with him, all you're doing is easing his guilt.
In situations like this you need to be selfish and look out for no.1, he;s certainly doing this and you deserve to look after yourself, not worry about whats going on in his head.
Cut contact, yes it will suck for a while but like a plaster being removed it will be a short(ish) sharp shock, instead of dragging out the friendship and getting yor feelings bashed at every opportunity by him.
He can't support you in getting over him, anyone else can but not him.

Sephiroth_dude

Would have to agree with wibbs on this,cut all contact with him its the only way to get over a break up,your not doing yourself any favours by staying in contact with him.

jellie

Unreg657 wrote: »

My only problem is that I do find the contact a comfort and thats why its very hard to stop it. It has made me feel better to still be in each others lives. Also I don't think he's being friends out of guilt because I think he feels he did the right thing. We've been best friends for years so thats why its hard to have that friendship gone too (as well as the bf part).

thats totally understandable, but its not v healthy it might temporarily make things easier but in the long term youre just holding on to it. say you go on like this & in 6 months he meets someone new? how would you feel listening to your "friend" tell you about his new gf?

its sh*t, of course it is. my ex of nearly a year emailed me the other day telling me he still missed me & still thought of me everyday. as you say, we were best friends. & i do still miss him sometimes but i know if we kept in contact id never get over him. & i know if i replied to him it would drag up my feelings, so i ignored it. it seems rude, but i have to do whats best for ME, just like you need to do whats best for YOU. yeah its still hard this far along, but it would be far worse if wed attempted to keep a friendship going.

you need to look out for yourself, not him. most people go through the "trying to be friends" at one point or another & theyll all (or 99% of them!) tell you that it only dragged out the pain.

it DOES get easier. im sure you have other friends? spend time with them, keep busy. take up new hobbies. youll probably find you have lots of extra time now so do something with it to distract yourself.

Misticles

I dont think anybody will ever know what goes on in a mans head. My bf called with me last wk after nearly two yrs- hasn been happy for months apparently and he wants to b on his own. despite him telling me he loves me and what not. I think this kind of situtation is complete betrayal of yout feelings, when they know something and they dont tell you. I gave him plenty of opportunities to tell cos I could tell something was up. ugh, men!!!!! anyways my hearts broken from him. But I would cut contact, I have except I text him today to say I still have a lot I want to say to you- response i dont wanna talk, not interested. so i sd **** it, you have your time ya selfish git!! leave him be! whats for you wont go by you!!! sorry for slightly hi jacking.