Ex Continues to Contact me..

LegacyUser

Thanking you for the advice you all gave me three months ago.

My Fiancee left me on the day of our fifth anniversary..citing my not being caring enough, jealousy and anger issues etc.

That's fine. I've learned to accept that. After numerous attempts of my trying to make up for it all we both agreed that we should cease contact (Her being more adamant about it than myself).

So; that's fine. I stopped calling her. I deleted her MySpace and MSN. Yet for every night during the week she has IMed me to see 'how I'm doing' and just have regular conversation.

That's fine..but the problem is she knows how I feel about her. She knows I'm still crazy about her and it appears that each time we talk she goes on about how great her life is now. She talks about how she's 'living the dream' and other things.

I guess my question is..what do I do? What does it mean? Is she trying to keep tabs on me..? She usually drops questions like "Any girls knocking down your door yet?" and whathaveyou.

Is it unfair of me to say that I don't think I could tolerate having her as a friend? I honestly don't think I could..she was my world and I don't think I could accept the thought of her being with someone else.

I don't want to tell her off..but what can I do? And if I have to..how do I do it? Tbh I'm afraid of anything she says..as she's always able to knock down my defences and make me feel terrible..even if it's unintentional.

Thanking you for your help, guys.

Asok

I hate to say it but she is using you to give her a bit of an ego boost (She still knows you are crazy about her etc) the very best thing you can do for yourself is to cut the contact. Next time she im's you just ignore it or tell her you don't think contact is a good idea.
Odds are she will have a bit of a spaz etc but just ignore it and she will go away eventually and you will be able to start moving on from that part of your life.

Also the "living the dream" stuff is more than likely her trying to make you feel bad as she is probably feeling bad so as with everything else just ignore it.

Nevyn

No it is not unfair of you to say that you can not be firends with her esp as she is rubbing her new wonderful life in your face in such a sickening way looking for a reaction from you.

Sounds like she was and still is being toxic and controlling, your friends and indeed your gf/be should be supportive and not constantly undermining you.

You took the right steps in cutting contact you need to tell her if she can not respect your boundaries ( which shows lack of respect for you ) then you can not keep in contact with her.

Yes it is hard but you dont' need her fúcking with your head and your heart.

ellie1

Is it unfair of me to say that I don't think I could tolerate having her as a friend? I honestly don't think I could..she was my world and I don't think I could accept the thought of her being with someone else.

In order to get over this girl, i think you should cut her from your life.Even if you dont think you can , you need to for your own sanity. She maybe keeping in contact because she feels sorry for you and also to let you know she is moving on without you. She messages during the week as she is probably out moving on at the weekends. She may well have met someone else and her comments around women may be to find out if you have so she can tell you.

Heres my advice for you:
pick a date, send her a message saying you dont want her to contact you for the forseeable future and have a calender where you tick off each day of no-contact. When you stop ticking or forget to tick you will know you are moving on. Book a holiday, see your friends and family, read, exercise work and keep busy and start living your own dream. I know your dreams once invoved her but its over now.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you for your replies.

Ellie - I can't help but agree with you. I feel she already has someone else; and is just waiting for the opportunity to tell me the 'great news'. She even once told me that she is feeling bad because of how I feel and asked me to get over her.

I replied that it's not as easy as flicking a switch and that I need time to let that wound heal..

I think I have my own right to take my time..it's not fair on her to put more pressure on me to get over the heartache. I don't know..Maybe I'm being selfish.

It's so hard to let go. Since the breakup I moved into a new apartment. I've been attending counseling for the last two months and I'm trying to take baby steps..but my own worklife, personal life and everything that goes with it has taken a massive hit. I'm seriously depressed and I can't shake it off.

All the more reason to ask her to respect the boundaries, I suppose.

How do I say it..? How do I put it? I just know she'll leave me in a groveling heap again..making me ask "What if.."

d6

Asok wrote: »

I hate to say it but she is using you to give her a bit of an ego boost (She still knows you are crazy about her etc) the very best thing you can do for yourself is to cut the contact. Next time she im's you just ignore it or tell her you don't think contact is a good idea.
Odds are she will have a bit of a spaz etc but just ignore it and she will go away eventually and you will be able to start moving on from that part of your life.

Also the "living the dream" stuff is more than likely her trying to make you feel bad as she is probably feeling bad so as with everything else just ignore it.

I think this is spot on analysis

oldboy

I'll let everyone else do the emotional mollycoddling.

I'm hear to tell you to cop on.

WHY ? are you chatting to her every night ???????

What are the benefits ? You know the answer..............NONE

Are you hoping she'll see how sad you are and come back cause she's realised its all wrong ??............SHE WONT

Are you hoping she'll change her mind chatting online have such a nice time chatting to you and take you back.........SHE WONT

Do you think that for those fleeting moments of contact it eases your heart and does you good and you're in a good position afterwards................IT DOESNT

Do you think chatting to her online is going to help..............ITS NOT

Delete you IM account or block her or whatever you have to do. You're not 15 for f#@k sake.

You're not over this either obviously. Cop on make a start at trying to move on, let her get her kicks somewhere else, you can't get anymore pathetic in her eyes and she's enjoying this..........tell her to f#'k off...........literally. She dumps you and is now putting you through this............at least get angry about it and grow a set of balls, use the anger to motivate yourself.

Seriously man, two close friends of mine have lost their fathers in the last few weeks. One guy married 40yrs to his wife................she is inconsolable............. now that is a broken heart.

Get a bit of perspective and get away from that girl.

She's going to be with other people and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. GET OVER IT, TRUST ME THAT SICK FEELING YOU GET WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT HER AND ANOTHER GUY WILL GO AWAY.........Sure look at the logic.....Why don't you go give the sea a few slaps for being wet while you're at it.

And please.............you not being caring enough, jealousy, anger issues.............she dumped you because she didnt love you anymore, thats why women dump men.

You're not that bad, its an easy way out for her let you think you messed up when she fell out of love with you. You couldn't have done a thing about it no matter how much you changed.

Start looking after yourself, get some pride back, stand tall and focus on yourself. Nobody else is going to. At least start out with the logic that maybe if you act strong, be strong, she'll hear about it and want you back.................by the time you work out that she doesnt, you'll have been looking after yourself for that long you'll be strong enough to deal with it.

RIGHT !!

ellie1

I feel she already has someone else; and is just waiting for the opportunity to tell me the 'great news'. She even once told me that she is feeling bad because of how I feel and asked me to get over her.

She may genuinely want you to move on from her.

I replied that it's not as easy as flicking a switch and that I need time to let that wound heal..

I think I have my own right to take my time..it's not fair on her to put more pressure on me to get over the heartache. I don't know..Maybe I'm being selfish.

How is putting pressure on you? And yes you can take as long as you like to get over her but it will take so much longer if you stay in contact with her.

It's so hard to let go. Since the breakup I moved into a new apartment. I've been attending counseling for the last two months and I'm trying to take baby steps..but my own worklife, personal life and everything that goes with it has taken a massive hit. I'm seriously depressed and I can't shake it off.

Well done on going to the counselling. It does take time and its only been three months. I think the depression will be easier to shake off when you cut contact with this girl. Well done on keeping busy. Keep your days active from the time you get up till bed time for at least a month of no contact.

All the more reason to ask her to respect the boundaries, I suppose.

If you text her and tell her firmly that you do not want any contact with her as you wish to move on with your life. Tell her(lie) you are happy she is moving on with hers and you would like her to respect you enoough to not contact you.

How do I say it..? How do I put it? I just know she'll leave me in a groveling heap again..making me ask "What if.."

There is no what if anymore. Put it as stated above. Keep this in mind if it was meant to be , it would be. What are you grovelling for ? She is moving on without you. YOU need to begin moving on without her.

sorry if its a bit harsh. You will get through this. Set a date and cut contact.

Wibbs

Is there an echo in here cos oldboy's post sounded like what I was going to say in my head. Spot on. Scrape her off. Sounds like she's not willing to have you in her life as a lover but she'll keep you dangling as an emotional standby until she finds someone to jump her bones, then she'll keep you in check a little while longer until he takes over those duties too, or she'll keep you around as an orbiter and ego boost. The guy carrying the torch is powerful mojo to the deeply selfish types that you can find out there. The ex guy still carrying the torch? Oh that's gold for that type.

No woman and I mean no woman is worth this hassle, unless she has been with you through thick and thin over years. The worlds full of better ones.(replace woman for man and it amounts to the same thing)

Short answer; scrape her off.

Wibbs

I agree with oldboy when he says get angry too. Too often men are told to talk it through and absorb it and all that. Cool fine for some, but I say get angry and direct that anger at getting yourself back on track and into better shape as a human being and as a man. For yourself.

Wagon

SadConfused:( wrote: »

I don't want to tell her off..but what can I do? And if I have to..how do I do it? Tbh I'm afraid of anything she says..as she's always able to knock down my defences and make me feel terrible..even if it's unintentional.

We you grow a pair of balls and get angry and tell the stupid ****ing bitch exactly what you think of her. Why are you entertaining her? Why are you afraid? Exs who carry on like that should be spat on when you pass them in public.

G-Money

If you want to stop her IM'ing you, simply block her. That way you will look like you are offline all the time. And because you have already deleted her, you won't see her on your buddy list. You could temporarily add her back to your buddy list on MSN. Then right click on her, select Delete and I think it asks you if you want to block the person too, so obviously click yes. Or could you delete your email account and make up some excuse like I did about how I was getting too much spam and didn't get to backup all my mail addresses. Or if you really want a clean break, change your number and don't tell her. That way you won't be sitting looking at the phone hoping she text's or hoping that every text that arrives is from her.

It's totally understandable that you don't want to be friends. I often thinks its unfair for one of the people to want to "stay friends". I often think it's just them wanting an ego boost.

I met a girl who I liked a lot and to cut a long story short, she ended up wanting to revert back to just being friends. I couldn't really deal with this so I pretty much blocked/deleted her from everything. I had a Facebook page and she was on it but I didn't want to see any status updates or having her messaging me, so I actually deleted my Facebook account and made up some excuse when she noticed. Thereby avoiding an awkward conversation about why I deleted her from my friends list.

I also deleted my email account that she always emailed me on and I didn't give her my new email address and I won't be doing so either. I also deleted her number and was about 2 seconds away from snapping my sim in half and getting a new number. Again, I wasn't going to pass on my updated details. Deleting that stuff was the best thing I ever did. She used to email me a lot and after she started seeing someone else, I hated the thoughts of seeing her emails as it just dragged it all back up. I can't tell you the relief I felt once I deleted my email account and set up a new one. I was able to go about things and not have to worry about seeing her mails come in.

What kind of helped me recently was when she contacted me and I told her I couldn't just be friends with her. She didn't try to manipulate me but I wasn't going to waver over it, and you can't either.

From my point of view it was pretty straight forward. I was never interested in just being friends with this girl, so it doesn't bother me in the slightest if we aren't friends and never speak.

It's probably different for you as you were engaged so I imagine you are in a tougher situation than I was.

As my father says "you have to look after yourself as no-one is going to do it for you". A lot of people will give the "lets just be friends" thing and often its such a load of balls. As usually one of the people likes the other as more than a friend, and both of them know it, yet both pretend like its not true. It's so false.

If you genuinely are ok being friends, then that's fine. If one of the people isn't, then its perfectly acceptable and actually recommended that you don't be friends. At least in my humble opinion. There's no rule, written or otherwise that says you have to stay friends as otherwise you seem like some depressing loser.

From my point of view, she is getting what she wants and is happy and is off without a care in the world. So why shouldn't you get what you want (forgetting about her and moving on). Also, don't let her guilt you into being friends. Some people will manipulate others that way to get what they want.

Lets be honest, if you never see her again what's the worst that's going to happen? You move on with your life and are happier with someone else. Doesn't seem like such a bad thing to me

Sorry for the rant

jellie

dont just delete her - block her. why havent you blocked her yet? id guess youre justifying it to yourself that "hey ive done all i can & if shes contacting me i cant stop her". block her msn address & you wont have the issue of her talking to you every night.

Africa

Hey dude, take it from someone who has been there too with an ex trying to rub things in your face about their amazing life - just block them.

I had an ex that did the same thing, she constantly IM me and i would sometimes talk to her and she would always say something about it. She got engaged after we broke up. It was a bit messy, she was a lot older than me and didnt seem to want to let go, and I had my eye on another at the time. But she got the picture for the break up and finishing. however after that the IMing started and told me all this sh*te that was going on, how everything was amazing now. In my opinion she turned into a bit of a whoer after the breakup until finding some poor sod.

the worst was the texts. Very often id get a text that would 'apparently' be meant for someone else. I would always ignore these, but it was SO obvious she was trying to make me feel jealous and upset. Didnt work. Same thing happened in the IM's. Doesnt work. She was the insanely jealous type, but that must not stop you from leading your life the way you want.

Block, delete, remove. You dont need it in your life, in fact contact more than once a month would be too much....


Go out there, and get yourself a really amazing gal

Pyr0

Best advice would be just to tell her out straight that you can't deal with her Im'ing you all of the time, even go as far as blocking her. If she emails you, tell her again and put her on blacklist. You won't get over her otherwise if she's still in your life like that. You just have to walk away from any connections with her. It's hard to do it because you still have feelings for her, that's understand able but you'll be causing yourself more harm hanging on.

Sephiroth_dude

I think the general concenus here is to just Cut them out of life,its the only way to get over them.

Gyalist

SadConfused:( wrote: »

Thanking you for the advice you all gave me three months ago.

My Fiancee left me on the day of our fifth anniversary..citing my not being caring enough, jealousy and anger issues etc.

That's fine. I've learned to accept that. After numerous attempts of my trying to make up for it all we both agreed that we should cease contact (Her being more adamant about it than myself).

So; that's fine. I stopped calling her. I deleted her MySpace and MSN. Yet for every night during the week she has IMed me to see 'how I'm doing' and just have regular conversation.

That's fine..but the problem is she knows how I feel about her. She knows I'm still crazy about her and it appears that each time we talk she goes on about how great her life is now. She talks about how she's 'living the dream' and other things.

I guess my question is..what do I do? What does it mean? Is she trying to keep tabs on me..? She usually drops questions like "Any girls knocking down your door yet?" and whathaveyou.

Is it unfair of me to say that I don't think I could tolerate having her as a friend? I honestly don't think I could..she was my world and I don't think I could accept the thought of her being with someone else.

I don't want to tell her off..but what can I do? And if I have to..how do I do it? Tbh I'm afraid of anything she says..as she's always able to knock down my defences and make me feel terrible..even if it's unintentional.

Thanking you for your help, guys.

I guess that I missed the part where she held a loaded gun to your head and forced you to respond to her.

LegacyUser

sad confused, as the others said you need to dump her shes only using you, my ex dumped me after nearly six years (need space, i love you but not........ bull****) i let her string me along for 6 months thinking (and being told ) that i was still in with a chance. we met up , i would text her, call her , she would mess me around saying that she would call, or meet up and then "forget".
During the 6 mths she was just sorting herself out for the final push, she told me outside a pub that i was no longer in the running , within a month she was sleeping with someone else and just dropped by with him to my work to drop in something ( talk about rubbing salt into the wounds).
i told her that i needed to go NC and did so for 3mths and then tried to be friends with her, even though ( there will always be a place in my heart for you, and ill always be here for you , both post break up) she wouldnt even return my texts and when she did it was very business like. i meet them at a function and she was all over him even though she used to hate pdas.

The point of my ramble is that i let her set the pace , gave her the power and behave like a wuss, i thought that she ment those things she said , when in fact she was just avoiding conflict by not telling the truth. i slowed my healing process way down and after 5 years together it takes a bit of healing.

tell her you are going NC for You, and then ignore ALL contact, then busy yourself get out of bed do things you always wanted to do, cry let it out, i used to get through the day and then just let it all out for an hour , id write, just sit down and write what comes into your head you will suprise yourself.

be good to yourself , it is a hard process. my ex brought me to my knees but im a much stronger person now 2years later. you need to get rid of this person otherwise it will hold you back.

look after No 1. thats all shes doing.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

The point of my ramble is that i let her set the pace , gave her the power and behave like a wuss,

look after No 1. thats all shes doing.

Both nails hit squarely on the head. Never give anyone power to hurt you, if they have proven that they will use that power.

G-Money

Seriously dude, get shot of her. It will be hard to ignore her texts and stuff especially if she isn't being outwardly nasty (calling you names or being abusive or something).

However the fact she is dangling her new life in front of you is completely out of order. She's obviously trying to get a reaction and by knowing you like her, she has you as some spare wheel to rely on when she needs it. Sooner or later she will be out banging some guy and the most you will get from her is how good a "friend" you are. And trust me, that will be the most hollow compliment you will ever receive as it's the last thing you want to be.

You need to get rid of her, but you won't want to, so your heart is going to mess you up. This is one of these times when your head needs to be in charge.

Do whatever it takes. Change email, phone number whatever and most importantly don't send on your updated info to her "incase she wants to get in touch" as you will be back to square one.

Just do it, don't think about it. The sooner you do, the sooner you will move on.

It's like trying to drive a car while spending the whole time looking in the rearview mirror at what you are leaving behind - it's only going to end badly.

Do it tonight!