I want to be the perfect girlfriend

LegacyUser

Well maybe not perfect as that is impossible but I don't think my boyfriend is entirely happy with me at the moment. Lately I am finding myself whinging at him for everything, wanting to go to the pub with his mates, not helping me clean the house, anything really.

I wish I could stop nagging at him because afterwards I feel stupid and cruel. I don't want him leaving me because of it so I need mens opinions on what would make a top girlfriend. Not just about quitting the nagging, but general guidelines!

Many thanks.

barbiegirl

Being yourself, having confidence in yourself and not putting up with crap. Men don't want either a nag or a doormat. Express your needs and wants clearly, listen to his, and see can you come to a happy medium.

Karen09

Thats all fair enough, however do not let yourself be a walk over. 'Some' nagging is required on both sides. My Oh needs a bit of persuasion when it comes to cleaning up after dinner (which i'v cooked) But he does it eventually. I will say, make him a cuppa for doing it. Basically dont let him take take take, because before you no it you'll be a doormat. However on the flip side dont be constantly at him!!!

LegacyUser

Thank you barbie girl, how do I not be a doormat without nagging? This is something I struggle with, I am not soft with him and will nag until the cows come home but it is having a negative effect on our relationship. He knows he can be lazy and annoying but won't let me try and stop him, I end up looking bad because of it!

PCPhoto

OP .... you really need to reconsider ...why should you change ?

I'm a guy and wouldn't want any girl to change the way she normally is for me - ALL relationships need a bit of give and take.... from your post it seems like he's "comfortable" to just go through the motions of a relationship.

you need to look at your relationship and see if you are compatible.

From your post it seems like you are willing to change/do as much as possible to ensure your guy doesnt leave you ..... talk to your guy, see what he wants........another point .... when do you stop changing yourself to please your guy ..... are you going to be turning into one of those "stepford wives" ?

Seriously - you shouldn't feel you have to change to try to keep him !!

LegacyUser

You make a very good point, do you think his heart isn't in it then?

I do feel as if it is me making the effort. Right, for now I will stop the nagging and see how he responds. If there is no improvement, then I will have to have a think about whether this is right.

Beetlebum

Bit of a sad question in my opinion.
Nobody's perfect and to loosly quote Robin Williams in 'Good Will Hunting'...it's our imperfectations that make us special. Nobody's perfect but what matters is whether or not you're perfect for each other..'

You should always be yourself but be aware of aspects of yourself that need improving. If you feel that you nag too much then you probably do. Just try to be a bit more understanding of your boyfriends needs. If he wants to go out with his mates then let him. Where's the harm in him going out with his friends? It's good for him and for you. Space is very important in any relationship, even friendships require space. If he wants to go out but he stays in just to appease you then how can even be happy with that, knowing he's only in your company to avoid the hassle?

LegacyUser

I'm with the op on this one. I too would like to know what the things that their gf's do that they really like.

I don't think she wants to be a doormat but if feels good to make bf happy. For example I know what I like... eg when he surprises me ( even with little things like pulling out a tub of my fave ice-cream after a long day at work), or when he opens the car door for me or whatever. But what are the little things that make men happy??

GigaByte

A girlfriend who wouldn't need to ask such a stupid question like that and be able to used her brain to figure out what her boyfriend likes and loves about her.

TheInquisitor

There is honestly nothing worse for me than a woman nagging me. I have endured it all my life off my mother, sisters actually all women.

Tips: Stop asking stupid questions!!! Just be nice!!!

Sorry for the bit of ranting but it is up there with the things that annoy me most

Edit: For instance i now have to be told serveral times to do things now. I tend to completely block out the voices of people that nag me and it makes me much less likely to do what they want

puglover

Stop being so hard on OP

Ever hear the line "You make me want to be a better person..." OP has met someone that she feels that way about. She is simply looking for some suggestions.

bubblewrap

Beetlebum wrote: »

You should always be yourself but be aware of aspects of yourself that need improving. If you feel that you nag too much then you probably do. Just try to be a bit more understanding of your boyfriends needs. If he wants to go out with his mates then let him. Where's the harm in him going out with his friends? It's good for him and for you. Space is very important in any relationship, even friendships require space. If he wants to go out but he stays in just to appease you then how can even be happy with that, knowing he's only in your company to avoid the hassle?

Totally agree with this, in fact this comment has really helped me with how I feel about my relationship. I get very clingy and cause arguments if he DARE go out without me, reading this has made me feel stronger to let go and be normal. Totally agree with the last sentence, I should let him go out if he wants, I may not like it for a few hours but if I give him that freedom, then that is one step closer to being a better gf.

To be a good gf:

Do not tell him what to do. Ever.
Don't expect him to make all the moves in the dept.
Make sure the house is clean and his tea is ready.

puglover

bubblewrap wrote: »

Make sure the house is clean and his tea is ready.

I really hope that is a joke!!

bubblewrap

Sadly for most, it isn't. One good thing for me is, he loves cooking and I am rubbish at it. I stick to what I am good at, cleaning. :pac:

LegacyUser

I am also interested in this. What makes a good gf/wife? Whatsmall things can we do to help or men be a little happier or feel more appreciated without thinking they can walk all over us?

puglover

bubblewrap wrote: »

Sadly for most, it isn't.

Honestly if I was going out with someone with that attitude they would be kicked to the kerb...actually scratch that, I wouldn't be with them in the first place.

OP your bf doesn't expect you too be his housekeeper, I know it's easy to get carried away with the nagging sometimes he does need to do his fair share but you know yourself that you need to reign yourself in on that a bit.

Your boyfriend is with you because he likes you, just try not to lose the fun part of your relationship, it's easy to do when you get into the routine of everyday life so try and do one little nice thing everyday to keep it alive

PCPhoto

OP .... just a suggestion but instead of nagging/complaining ...use a simple suggestive technique:

try to suggest an alternative thing for you both to do or ask him to do stuff instead of telling him....lets face it man or woman (excluding submissive people) no-one enjoys being told what to do...... so next time instead of telling him to do something try asking him...I think you'll notice a change.

Lucy Lu

I don't think there is any such thing as a perfect girlfriend/boyfriend/partner. We are all human and have good and bad qualities.

Its about being ourselves and hopefully the best we can and the people we love should respect that.

Mr. Incognito

oh de ja vou.

anyone who has lived with the OH knows that well, there WILL be nagging.

About this whole cleaning thing, I've lived with two ex's and they both cleaned, washed my stuff and all that and I HATED it. I like my independence. They did it out of love because women, in general LIKE doing that stuff. They like to show their partner they love him and having the place tidy or washing his clothes or that is their way of showing that appreciation and love. Women can rail at the sterotype all they want but it's not men expecting them to be domestic doormats, women do it off their own bat and then get upset when it's not appreciated.

I learned that a simple thank you was the way to go and I had to pretty much hide all my clothes from the women because when they got their mits into it, I could never find anything. Everything was neatly folded in some sort of pattern of course but I had a simple word for that, lost. It actually made my blood boil when I couldn't find a shirt and then I'd have to ask the OH who would throw her eyes up to heaven and declare, sure I washed that last week and it's it such and such a place and give you a look like you were some pseudo retard who would starve to death without their divine intervention.

The following are perfect examples of this

He knows he can be lazy and annoying but won't let me try and stop him, I end up looking bad because of it!

Lately I am finding myself whinging at him for everything, wanting to go to the pub with his mates, not helping me clean the house, anything really.

Everyone is different. In my case I had to ask the womins to leave my stuff the hell alone, but they never did. Countless friction but you just learn each others habits and it works out.

I do feel as if it is me making the effort. Right, for now I will stop the nagging and see how he responds. If there is no improvement,

No improvement. Improvement in what? Listen up OP and all ladies out there. We DON"T CARE what the house looks like. It's 4 walls and a floor. If that floor happens to be caked in blood and vomit we probably wouldn't notice. Giving him the silent treatment and expecting him to become psychic is sadly the most misguided and over-used female stupidity that 10,000 years of evolution has produced.

For example I know what I like... eg when he surprises me ( even with little things like pulling out a tub of my fave ice-cream after a long day at work), or when he opens the car door for me or whatever. But what are the little things that make men happy??

That depends on the man, but in no particular order, if a girlfriend did these, I'd have her in instant legend category.

Missus arriving home with big bloody steak, cooking said steak with onions and chips.

Missus buying a 6 pack of beer for champions league night and clearing off for the night with her mate to the cinema or that.

Missus accepting that men need men as well as missus. Sometimes missus is not compatible with man night. Nagging your OH to bring you to the pub is pointless. When you get there the lads will be talking about soccer, farts and telling jokes that will get you arrested in some scandinavian countries. Let him have his boys night. DO NOT criticise how long he's been at the pub. DO NOT text him when he's out. LEAVE him alone for the night.

Sex, Yes, sex, we like it. Who knew. FHM is targeted at fella's and over 50% is hot birds in their underwear. Do the math. It's not a crime. So if you want to keep him happy, Really happy. Jump him. Seriously. When he least expects it. Repeat.

Right todays rant over.

bubblewrap

You need to be asking yourself why you feel you need to be the perfect gf when he is obviously displaying behaviour which requires nagging...he needs to improve too, relationships are two way. I think for now, stay silent, with regards to housework, they will never do it anyway so it is pointless causing an argument over it - just do it and be proud of your home.

If he wants to go out with the lads, let him. It is less mess around the house.

Get yourself a glass of wine, leave him to talk crap with his mates and enjoy time to yourself, that is what I plan to do next time he goes out. Smile sweetly as he is going, give him a kiss and tell him to have a good time. Don't do what I do and ask what time he will be back! :pac:

Das Kitty

Unregistered wrote: »

Well maybe not perfect as that is impossible but I don't think my boyfriend is entirely happy with me at the moment. Lately I am finding myself whinging at him for everything, wanting to go to the pub with his mates, not helping me clean the house, anything really.

I wish I could stop nagging at him because afterwards I feel stupid and cruel. I don't want him leaving me because of it so I need mens opinions on what would make a top girlfriend. Not just about quitting the nagging, but general guidelines!

Many thanks.

A. No relationship / person is perfect. Everyone wants different things, the perfect relationship is one that works for you both and makes you both happy. The onus for making the relationship work is not just on the woman, it's on both parties, so being a perfect girlfriend is useless without that.

B. Instead of whinging, why don't you talk with your man about your expectations and his and come to an agreement. Hey presto, nag free. If you want to change the agreement, have another chat.

Joey the lips

Be yourself girl, your parents made you perfect, provided your not an absolute [EMAIL="bi@ch"]bi@ch[/EMAIL] just be yourself.

The one thing I really love about my wife is the way she feels comfortable around me. Its a big turn on amoungst other things. Dont get excited folks I am talking simple things like throwing her feet up on me for a rub

PS Men dont leave you for nagging we all nagg it just depend on how much nagging.

LegacyUser

So glad i came across this post as I have the answer to your problem. You can be as big a bitch as you want, whine all day, moan like a banshee, but as long as you keep the steaks and the blowjobs coming, you be sound!
Girlpower!

myfatherrsson

Unregistered wrote: »

So glad i came across this post as I have the answer to your problem. You can be as big a bitch as you want, whine all day, moan like a banshee, but as long as you keep the steaks and the blowjobs coming, you be sound!
Girlpower!

Gods honest truth right there! haha!

Also if you're pi$$ed at him or at anything else: Dont Pretend Theres Nothing Wrong! COMMUNICATE!!!! Nothing worse than not knowing whats wrong with the OH!!

Also 2, dont not speak to him for ages and then pretend like nothing happened....drives us insane! INSANE LIKE! Explanation (and possible apology) would suffice!

barbiegirl

Nagging never works. Express what you want and express clearly. Say I have cooked the dinner, you enjoyed that dinner, now the kitchen needs to be cleaned, it's only fair that you do it and if you don't and I have to do it then I'll feel taken for granted and resent anything else you want to do.
He should then see that the 5 minutes spent cleaning up will lead to a happier you, and that means you're happier if he goes out with mates, plays platstation etc.
If he doesn't then when you go and do it, again don't nag, just say very simply, right so you do take me for granted and see me as the maid, at least I know where I stand. But as you won't help with the clean up I won't cook for 2 tomorrow. It has to be give and take, and if you won't give then neither will I.
Every action or lack of action, carries consequences in life, and that should include how you treat one another. If you are clear, and he cares about you you should be able to reach some kind of agreement regarding the things that annoy you.
He needs time with his mates, you need him to help with the house work. The two aren't incompatible.

Nitxteha

you don't have to be a perfect girlfriend or a perfect anything else. If your boyfriend is with you is because you are perfect for him. If you need to say something say it and if you want to do something, do it. You are two different people with two different personalities, that need to adapt, as a couple.

I don't think that submissive attitude is good in the long term, because you can "fake" a certain behaviour for a while but not for the rest of your life, and if you are writing this it looks to me that you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Show him how you really are. I'm sure he's not the perfect person or boyfriend either, but you like him the way he is, or?

The best thing a boyfriend can tell you is "I love you the way you are".

Relax and enjoy

Mr Benevolent

why should you change ?

Arrrgghh, nagging is truly horrible. It means that no-one can relax or be themselves, it's a terrible habit and in many ways is one of the worst things that can happen to a relationship. My mum does it all the time to my dad (who never helps out or does anything, but that's been the same for the last 30 years) and it's like a drill through the head.

Does he ignore you? Insult you? Not help around the house or cook or anything? Do you have a genuine reason to nag or is it habit? I'd be straight out the door and running (if it continued after I complied with all the requests).

ManOfMystery

Apart from nagging being annoying, it's also futile. Just like listening to any irritating sound which is played over and over, eventually it becomes monotonous and has no effect whatsoever on the listener apart from annoyance.

If things annoy you, it's more effective to talk about them in a civilised manner now and again - as 2 adults - rather than nagging all the time. It will be better for both you and him in the long run.

Relationships take work from both sides. As mentioned above, men are quite simple - let us have time with our friends, let us enjoy a beer now and again, and don't be scared to get phsyical with us - that's pretty much enough to keep us content.

My gf is pretty good like this and in return, I buy her flowers every month, cook her dinner pretty often and help out with - well, pretty much anything at all that she might need help with. And we're both affectionate with each other. Works for us.

John Mason

i am really disturbed by this thread and the amount of people who want to be perfect.

i know i am perfect the way i am and if my OH doesnt like, he can bugger off and find someone else.

why would you want to change who you are for anyone ?

have you no sense of self worth ? or may be you have self esteem issues but if you need to change to be with your OH, you are with the wrong person in the first place

puglover

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

i am really disturbed by this thread and the amount of people who want to be perfect.

i know i am perfect the way i am and if my OH doesnt like, he can bugger off and find someone else.

why would you want to change who you are for anyone ?

have you no sense of self worth ? or may be you have self esteem issues but if you need to change to be with your OH, you are with the wrong person in the first place

I think the OP chose the wrong word in perfect. She's just recognised that the nagging was getting a bit much and would like to make ammends.

Wanting to do nice things or make ammends for your OH doesn't mean you have no self worth.

Personally it makes me feel really good to see the bf happy so I like to do things that ahve that affect.

I have no esteem issues, I know the bf is lucky to have me but I also realise that i am lucky to have him and if I am off with him I like to make it up to him. I think OP is the same and is just looking for ideas.