How do I broach the subject

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 10:57am #1

ill make it quick.going out with the missus circa 3 years.
she was very thin and attractive at the beginning.
now she is a lot heavier.
how do i broach the subject.

crazzzzy · 22-04-2009 12:17pm

its not really up to you to decide what weight she should be. If she seems unhappy about it herself then be supportive and maybe go walking together and eating healthier.

theres no nice way to bring it up really so tell her you still love her (if you do) but she seems to have let herself go a bit since ye met and you wondering if anything is wrong.

groomek · 22-04-2009 12:20pm

Just tell her that you want to start losing a few pounds and will she go walking a few times a week because you dont have anyone else to go with.

She will think shes doing you a favour

Wibbs · 22-04-2009 12:27pm

Hard one to broach indeed. Personally I would disagree with crazzzzy in that I feel he has some say in her weight. While yes it is her body, her appearance is a part of the relationship you have with her and if it is affecting said relationship, well then you have as much a right to bring it up as she would if there was some aspect of you that was affecting her attraction for you, physical or emotional. So if you were out of work and sitting around watching the telly everyday and not making an effort, well then few of us would admonish her for suggesting he gets off his arse and does something about it. IMHO, the same thing applies here. People see the "fat" word and get defensive. It's not her size per se, plenty of men like a bigger woman. It's the change and what's behind it.

The weight issue for women can be a big deal, wrapped up in many things, not just what she's eating. Have you taken your eye of the ball yourself in the relationship? Emotionally and romantically? Has she been ill or emotionally down? Is it just a case of both of you settling into the status quo of a long termer and her symptom of that is to pile on the pounds. If there's not an underlying medical issue(rare enough) the the weight is usually a symptom of something. In my humble, mostly boredom or she feels she has you now and you must love her no matter what. If the former, well then start doing more things together. Be more like the man she was with in the first year. Do that and she may well return to being the woman she was in the first year. If it's the latter, well then doing the aforementioned can't hurt, but add in that you would are finding her weight gain a turn off for you, but you think both of you should spice up the relationship together.

bubblewrap · 22-04-2009 12:31pm

Join a gym then say you get couple discount then she has to join.

Whatever you do, don't tell her she is fat. I bet she isn't even that bad, if she is happy within herself then you need to accept that, if you notice she isn't happy with her body then help her by doing the above. You can't just say, oi love think you need to join a gym, it would be good for the both of you to do it.

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 12:31pm

Hi OP,

I have been on the other end of this. I have been with my husband over 12 years and I had put on some weight - I knew it myself and he obviously noticed it too.

I was very self concious about it. When trying to point it out the first time he pinched the extra bit of flab I had on my side, this was a very bad way to do it. It basically made me feel even more self concious about it and that he didn't find me attractive at all anymore. So I couldn't get into having sex, kissing, wearing some of my clothes (i didn't want to draw attention to myself). Needless to say our relationship suffered over it.

Now don't get me wrong my hubby is the best in the world I think he just didn't know how to bring it to my attention. He did however raise it with me a couple of months after the pinching incident.

We were talking one night and he told me he wanted to get fit again and start to mind himself a bit more. I told him it was a great idea and that I would love to do it too. We decided to go for a walk together one or twice a week and to eat better. So it began. He then told me he was going to do 5 a side one night a week and pointed out some classes I could do once a week (spinning, swimming, aerobics). So I started going to these once a week I started to feel great. He kept telling me how well I was doing and how much better I was looking. He was giving me hugs and kisses more during the day (while I was making dinner or just while we were chatting) this made me feel great so I started going spinning twice a week and watching what I was eating during the week and having a day off at the weekend for treats.

Anyway 9 months on and I have loast the weight feel wonderful, I dress better, our relationship is better and I appreciate t hat he took the time to talk to me about it (even in a round about way). I wasn't offended and didn't feel bullied into doing it but we both got what we wanted and my health is much better too. Win win win

Maybe you could try this too??

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 12:46pm

this is a toughy. no matter what anyone says, watever way u put it ie, join a gym suggest walks, she'll see right thru it. alot of girls when they get comfortable in a relationship do put on a few pounds, most then realize this, they dont like it and try to loose some weight. IMHO this is when and only wen u should get involved and offer your support.
Are u finding her less attractive? regardless of what the other says about looks being part of a relationship, if it is, its only a small part. and anyone who thinks otherwise needs to get over themselves. before anyone suggests im just a fat person etc im quite the opposite, I'm recovering from an eating disorder brought on by such comments as the OP's dilema.

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 1:14pm

I don't agree that the OP has a say in his partners' weight. If that's how he measures her value then he should walk now and do the girl a favour.

It's all very well to say that her weight is a part of the relationship and it's affecting how attracted to her he feels, but if that's all there is for him then it's not a real relationship. Where do you draw the line? What if she had decided to get a makeover and change her image to something the OP didn't find as attractive? Or what if she became ill and therefore less attractive?

If you're committed to a person, you can't expect everything to stay the way it was in the first year/honeymoon period - if you really love someone you have to be prepared to weather any changes that might come along (obviously within reason but it's not like she's suddenly become psychotic or something - she's just gained some weight.)

It's very likely that she probably feels self conscious about the weight gain, and if that's the case OP, then the best way to deal with that is to lead by example. Start living the lifestyle that you'd like to see her leading. If she doesn't feel she wants or needs to change along with you, then that's her prerogative. It's not your call.

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 1:20pm

Why are you commenting on his right to tell her she should or should not lose weight. He is asking how to broach the subject not for your opinion on whether he is right to do so or not.

bubblewrap · 22-04-2009 1:24pm

To be honest though, it isn't nice if your partner lets themselves go, it is as insulting as it is mentioning it as they are giving the impression they don't care and no longer need to 'impress'. It shouldn't be like that. I feel I have put on a little weight, I am conscious of it and am monitoring it. I couldn't let myself go, no matter how long I am with my partner. I will still be waxing and plucking at 60!

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 1:40pm

Yes but has she 'let herself go'? The OP doesn't say. Just that she has gained weight. It's very insulting to suggest that weight gain is all that constitutes 'letting herself go'.

If she's sitting on her arse all day in trackbottoms with greasy hair and hairy legs - then yes, it's safe to say she's letting herself go. But if it's just a case of some weight gain, when she might still be plucking and waxing and dressing well and keeping up with general grooming - then it's not fair to say she's let herself go. There are many reasons for weight gain. Some women gain weight for a while and then lose it again when they feel enough is enough.

I just don't think it's anyone's business but the girl herself. I'm sure she'd be very hurt and mortified if she knew that there was a thread on here about her weight, and 'what her OH should do about it'.

Shivers26 · 22-04-2009 1:55pm

I think the suggestions of letting her know in a nice roundabout way are good. Offer to go walking with her, encourage healthy eating in the house etc. Do try to find out if there is an underlying problem though. A lot of people comfort eat when upset or stressed.

I think I would want my OH to be honest with me if I was seriously letting myself go (in a nice way, of course)

I dont think there is any harm in wanting the person you are with to find your attractive.

Oh The Humanity · 22-04-2009 2:11pm

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't agree that the OP has a say in his partners' weight. If that's how he measures her value then he should walk now and do the girl a favour.

I dont think its the entirity of the way he measures her, but it is a factor and there is nothing wrong with that.

Unregistered wrote: »

It's all very well to say that her weight is a part of the relationship and it's affecting how attracted to her he feels, but if that's all there is for him then it's not a real relationship.

Again its part of how he feels for her not 'all there is' for him.

Unregistered wrote: »

Where do you draw the line? What if she had decided to get a makeover and change her image to something the OP didn't find as attractive? Or what if she became ill and therefore less attractive?

I agree the line needs to be drawn somewhere, with a bit of common sense I'd say. Becoming ill is not the same as putting on weight, in that people who fall ill have no choice in the matter.

Unregistered wrote: »

If you're committed to a person, you can't expect everything to stay the way it was in the first year/honeymoon period - if you really love someone you have to be prepared to weather any changes that might come along (obviously within reason but it's not like she's suddenly become psychotic or something - she's just gained some weight.)

I would agree with that mostly but I wouldn't say you have to be prepared to weather any changes......I think weight gain is a scary one because you fall in love with one person and then suddenly they begin to morph into another person.

You dont know how big they might get and also gaining weight is generally within the persons control unlike say getting sick or having an accident etc

Unregistered wrote: »

It's very likely that she probably feels self conscious about the weight gain, and if that's the case OP, then the best way to deal with that is to lead by example. Start living the lifestyle that you'd like to see her leading. If she doesn't feel she wants or needs to change along with you, then that's her prerogative. It's not your call.

Totally agree with lead by example, definitely.

Well, if she doesn't feel she wants or needs to, sure its her perogative but its also his perogative not to have to like it or live with it.
People might say thats shallow but the alternative is having to sleep with someone you dont fancy at all which is just not realistic or reasonable in the long run.

Hard choices for both I think.

Wibbs · 22-04-2009 3:59pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP,

I have been on the other end of this. I have been with my husband over 12 years and I had put on some weight - I knew it myself and he obviously noticed it too.

I was very self concious about it. When trying to point it out the first time he pinched the extra bit of flab I had on my side, this was a very bad way to do it. It basically made me feel even more self concious about it and that he didn't find me attractive at all anymore. So I couldn't get into having sex, kissing, wearing some of my clothes (i didn't want to draw attention to myself). Needless to say our relationship suffered over it.

Now don't get me wrong my hubby is the best in the world I think he just didn't know how to bring it to my attention. He did however raise it with me a couple of months after the pinching incident.

We were talking one night and he told me he wanted to get fit again and start to mind himself a bit more. I told him it was a great idea and that I would love to do it too. We decided to go for a walk together one or twice a week and to eat better. So it began. He then told me he was going to do 5 a side one night a week and pointed out some classes I could do once a week (spinning, swimming, aerobics). So I started going to these once a week I started to feel great. He kept telling me how well I was doing and how much better I was looking. He was giving me hugs and kisses more during the day (while I was making dinner or just while we were chatting) this made me feel great so I started going spinning twice a week and watching what I was eating during the week and having a day off at the weekend for treats.

Anyway 9 months on and I have loast the weight feel wonderful, I dress better, our relationship is better and I appreciate t hat he took the time to talk to me about it (even in a round about way). I wasn't offended and didn't feel bullied into doing it but we both got what we wanted and my health is much better too. Win win win

Maybe you could try this too??

Best advice here IMHO.

Leah-G1 · 22-04-2009 4:10pm

Hmmm I would tread very very carefully with this one...has she metioned that she has put on weight herself?

I certainly know when I put on weight I pretty much obsess about it like most women. If she has put on weight you can be guaranteed she noticed before you did!

Basically what happens to alot of girls (and men) they put on what I like to call "happy fat"..this means she is content with herself and her relationship and no longer feels the need to impress all the time. Unfortunately " Happy Fat" can often turn into normal fat,then alot of fat etc etc.. if neglected.

Under no circumstances ask her why she has put on weight or tell her she is looking heavier. Tell her you want to get fit and would appreciate the company for a walk or run....if she doesnt bite..start off yourself and she will probably follow suit once she sees you going for it!Once she starts to feel the benefits she wont be long in getting back to her old self.

A girls relationship with her body can be volatile at the best of times. Comments from loved ones and esp boyfriends can be very hurtful. You run the risk of damaging her confidence which is not your intention I'm sure.
If she loses some weight,compliment her and maybe treat her to a new top or dress to encourage her.Making her feel like a fat slob who let herself go is not the way forward....gently gently always wins in the end!

Good luck!

snowy2008 · 22-04-2009 4:20pm

this is a danger zone when it somes to us women, be very very careful how your phrase it and the way you say it, now im with a guy three years and hes a personal trainer so i cant help but be on an active buzz but , bless his cotton white scoks, he wouldnt mention weight to me coz he says he loves me no matter what size i am (im a ten) so op, you need to ask yourself, do you love her for her or love her for the way she looks?

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 5:07pm

op here
she has noticed it herself and always mentions it.
it doesnt help that im a rake. quite fit myself. i go to the gym or play football most days and i swim every day. she participates in none of the above. i cant quantify her weight as she wont tell me but when we started going out she was lighter then me.........now she is heavier.
dont get me wrong her personalty is spot on.
beautiful face.
my childhood sweetheart.
but she now lacks the qualities prized by the superficial man in me.

id say she is circa 11.5 stone. and prob has gone up 3 dress sizes( im guessing) im not great at this stuff.
she is not letting herself go. her personal hygene /preening is perfect and her teeth are pearly white. she is a natural beauty..............but she is distancing herself from the girl i signed up for.
every effort I MAKE is for her. i proactively look after my appearance for her.

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 5:09pm

id say she has put on two stone

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 6:47pm

OP - if it's already out in the open and she mentions it a lot, then what subject is it you need to broach? How to ask her to lose weight for you? How to tell her you're finding her less attractive? She knows she's put on weight already. I'm guessing she's not 100% happy about it?

From my own perspective, I've gained weight in the past and lost it again - this has happened a few times. Not a huge amount, probably the same as your OH or thereabouts. For me, it came to a point where I'd had enough, embarked on a fitness crusade, and lost the weight again. Maybe your OH wants to lose weight and will do it in her own time. I'd imagine it would make it so much harder if she felt under pressure to do it... I think I'd be quite resentful in that situation.

If she doesn't, and she's happy to stay the way she is, what then for you? Are you really going to throw away a relationship because of something this superficial?

MysticalSoul · 22-04-2009 7:24pm

OP, how old is she? The reason I ask, is that once women reach their thirties, they gain, on average 0.5% body fat per year, and hence, that could be explained by some of the weight gain. Even if she has said it herself, do be careful with how you approach it. Maybe some activity you could both do together, eg tennis/swimming etc, may be an option?