Jealous gf

LegacyUser

With my girlfriend now one year. Shes south american and a very beautiful person, outside and in. But has one flaw, jealousy.

She has been like this from day 1.

Some examples

If I stop on the street to talk with a friend she would have a face on her and then accuse me later of sleeping with the friend.
Constantly goes through my phone reading sms and who called me or who I called.
Goes crazy if I come home and tell her I met a friend (female) for lunch or a coffee and accuses me of cheating on her.

Last night I got out of the shower and she was sitting there with a huge face on her, after two hours she confronted me aggressively, picked up my phone and asked who is
"Gaby-love".

Gaby-love is a woman I met about years ago and have not spoken to in over 3 years. I explained this to my gf and she was having none of it. She was shouting and was very nervous, she broke plates and cups and slept on the sofa last night.

I have never done anything to make my gf jealous. I dont flirt with other women, I have NEVER cheated on her and I treat her like a princess.

Her jealousy is making me crazy and driving us apart.

Advice please

thanks

star-pants

To me that's a pretty annoying flaw. No offence meant, but I wouldn't put up with that.
Having someone checkup on me, go through my phone and the second I dare speak to another person of the opposite sex I get accused??
Personally, that'd be a bit of a deal breaker for me. If you don't have trust in a relationship then it's just stressful all the time. You're supposed to trust each other and she seems to have ZERO in you, for whatever reason. She makes you feel guilty for talking to and meeting your friends. Throws dishes & has a hissy fit because you have a ladys name in your phone?

Either you sit down and discuss this with her, explaining it's not on, or you guys go get counselling if you feel you don't want to walk away from this.

Wibbs

IMHO? For a start stop treating her like a "princess". I could be wrong but I suspect you may be going overboard on that one. Do not engage her when she flips out like this. Do not get hyped up and emotional when he does. This may look like it's helping, but it's adding to the drama. Do not apologise for meeting women if there's nothing going on. Be polite but damn near ignore her when she acts like this. When she kicks off, say just once and calmly, no histrionics on your part, something along the lines of, "she's a friend, end of. If you want to meet her fine, but this I won't stand for". Then walk away from her.

Actually that's the biggy, be prepared to walk away from her. Again IMHO, if she actually thought you had the option to walk away she would be less like this. Never give anyone the power to push your buttons in a relationship. It's not an equal relationship in that case.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

Her jealousy is making me crazy and driving us apart.

Have you sat her down and told her that?
Some people seem to think that it's perfectly acceptable to act in such a way. They sometimes don't even know they have issues until it's actually pointed out to them.

Tell her how you feel about her. Then tell her that her constant jealousy is driving you apart and is extreemly unattractive.
This behaviour comes solely from low self esteem on her part. If she knew in her heart of hearts how fab she is and how lucky you are to be with her, she would not act this way.

Tell her you will no longer be entertaining her little strops and she can look forward to a miserable time ahead if she keeps it up.

LegacyUser

thanks for the advice

You are right, I will stop treating her like a princess. But I will not treat her bad either.

Good point about not getting emotional when she kicks off. I will try to ignore her when she does this.

Beruthiel

You do not have to treat her badly.
Just tell her you will not be entertaining her jealous strops anymore and she will only be wasting her energy.
You should also point out to her that if she does not trust you, she knows where the door is.

All that may sound a bit harsh, but nipping it in the bud now will save you both years of misery.

LegacyUser

I tried to sit down with her last night to discuss her problem and how it is affecting us but she was not rational at all, she had lost the plot and wasnt thinking or acting normal.

I told her she is pushing me away.

She told me to delete all the female numbers in my phone, I said NO WAY.

I will go home tonight and discuss this with her ONE LAST TIME.

If she doesnt change then Im afraid its over, because I do not want a lifetime of this

John Mason

OKay - take it from someone who knows

you need to run away very fast.

she is never going change and you will end up a jibbering wreck

run away, run away

life is too short to tied to a bunny boiler (and being a bunny, i know)

run away

Wibbs

Beruthiel wrote: »

You do not have to treat her badly.
Just tell her you will not be entertaining her jealous strops anymore and she will only be wasting her energy.
You should also point out to her that if she does not trust you, she knows where the door is.

All that may sound a bit harsh, but nipping it in the bud now will save you both years of misery.

+1 It's not about treating her badly. I dunno too many either go from completely folding in the face of this to being a git(though gits tend to get less of this). It's a balance. It's about self respect first and foremost. If you have healthy and genuine self respect and boundaries, you will naturally extend that to her.

Unregistered wrote:

I tried to sit down with her last night to discuss her problem and how it is affecting us but she was not rational at all, she had lost the plot and wasnt thinking or acting normal.

Ok she sounds like a lot of work. A drama queen. Or it can be a cultural thing. Is her culture a very macho one? If she buys into that, maybe this is where it's coming from. She's expecting you to lead the dance more than you're used to doing and she's testing your boundaries. Everybody tests boundaries, but IMHO women tend to do this more in romatnic relationships. Some(the good ones) do it very little or never beyond what is healthy, most do it to some small degree and some it's a constant struggle(the drama queens/nutters/paranoids).

I told her she is pushing me away.

Cool. Next time show her she's pushing you away, by walking away. If you keep telling someone you'll do something but show them that you actually won't, you're telling them that you're not serious and not to believed. Showing, better than telling. That goes for any social interaction actually.

She told me to delete all the female numbers in my phone, I said NO WAY.

Dead right.

I will go home tonight and discuss this with her ONE LAST TIME.

If she doesnt change then Im afraid its over, because I do not want a lifetime of this

No you don't. Life is too short. As for discussion, I personally think a better angle is not discussion, but laying down of your position, with no drama or raised voice from you. Say your piece. If she flips, then ignore it until she chills back down. Continue to say your piece. If she doesn't go along with it, tell her it's over and walk away. No tears on your part. If you have them to shed, save it for later. Good luck anyway.

LegacyUser

excellent advice from all.

thanks alot folks

LegacyUser

OP

She is totally wrong for going through your phone and flipping out like this. This will have to stop or she will leave you both very unhappy.

I would suggest you speak to her about it in a calm manner. Do not get emotional. If you cannot have a calm conversation with this woman then you do not have a relationship in the first place.

I don't think you should stop treating her like a princess - my husband does this and it makes me feel special BUT I do think yoiu should be very firm with her on what you will and wont accept in your relationship.

When you meet these friends on the street do you introduce her as your girlfriend and include her in the conversation or is she just standing there waiting for you to finish your chat?

Hope this helps

Wibbs

I agree with pink fluffy bunny, it will be hardship for you. Has she always been like this? I would also ask myself is anything else affecting her in her life. Is he homesick? How is her job situation? That sort of thing. Now this doesn't excuse the batshít crazy, but something may explain it. Even so, how she deals with the bad times are a good judge of her underlying character. That goes for everyone I reckon. People are like teabags, the true flavour only comes out when they're dropped in hot water.

I know we like to think that everyone has a healthy centre, but some never will or it's just how they're built. She may be the type that needs the drama and a bloke who will call her on it. If you're not that type(and frankly life is too short) then it will be hassle.

Nervous Wreck

I've never been with anyone who was jealous like that but tbh, it'd totally be a deal-breaker for me.... OP, you're a bit of a champ for putting up with it.... You're also a chump for putting up with it. You actually really do have the power to sort it out, as Wibbs said. It just lies in refusing to placate her and telling her to shape up or ship out. Good luck!

Kintarō Hattori

In another thread here recently, the one were the chap was worried that his brazilian girlfriend was dressing too sexily it was said several times by different posters that south american women respond to someone who is strong with them. Apparently you need to lead the way and show that you won't take any tantrums etc.

Now I don't know if that is the case as I've never gone out with anyone from south america myself but certainly in this situation you do need to be strong with her and not bow to pressure. Don't apolgize for meeting or talking to other women. Explain clearly that you love the girl, want to be with her but that her jealousy is making this very difficult. Don't say it's driving you apart as that could make her even more jittery than she is now.

Some posters may recall several years ago I made several posts about the jealousy my girlfriend was showing. It made things very very difficult but through a combination of talking to her about it and reassurance she's come through it. She is still a little jealous 5 years on but it's pretty insignificant these days.
Certainly it is in this part of the world unacceptable behaviour and you have to make her realise she is in Ireland and not south america. Talk talk talk, reassure her, take no nonsense and hopefully she'll realise that she can't carry on in that manner.

That_Guy

Not cool that she's looking through your phone. After a year you should really be trusting each other.

Honestly mate that would really annoy me and I'd say enough is enough. It appears that she doesn't want you to talk to anyone besides her which isn't fair.

You shouldn't have to cut people out of your life after all your friends have most likely been around before your gf was.

Talk to her about her jealousy issues head on and see if something can be done about it.

Personally I would advise you to get out of that relationship fast.

Best of luck.

Eve_Dublin

OK, not sure if it's okay to say this and I know moderators might see this as a generalisation and reprimand me if this is the case but I think this could very well be a cultural difference. I spent a year in Latin-America and from a female point-of-view, I came across a lot of situations where the women have every right to be jealous of the men. A lot of the men have the women driven crazy over there.

I would get men shouting and whistling at me on the street while holding their girlfriend's hands (unbelievable!). I had men chatting me up all the time (sorry, not being arrogant here but if you're a foreigner over there, you get a lot of attention) and would openly tell me they had girlfriends like it was nothing. I had men feeling me up in clubs with their girlfriends right behind them giving me the dagger eyes. This happened a hell of a lot over there, OP.

I could go on but you get the idea. From what I observed, and I'm talking about the continent as a whole, women are second-class citizens and machismo is alive and well (machismo is what they call excessive masculine behaviour). From what I observed, fidelity is not as valued in relationships as it is in here in Ireland and what is considered acceptable behaviour towards a woman over there would get a man a punch in the face by a fiesty, Irish lady over here, no doubt about it. If you accused a man of being sexist or disrespectful, which I did on plenty of occasions until I eventually gave up my one-woman crusade against sexism, they wouldn't know what you're talking about. It's just the way things are over there...but they're changing!

Women are very competitive with other women in South America and that's because of the society they've grown up in have made them insecure; men, although they might not admit it, play women off each other. I made plenty of female friends over there who are fully aware that they act irrationally sometimes, like your girlfriend and maybe a year ago I might have labelled them bunny-boilers but now I really couldn't blame them. Honestly. I dated a guy while I was there and as lovely as he was, I think I'd be driven mental eventually by how he carried on around other women (when I saw this, I got rid of him immediately. Coming from here, I could never accept that kind of behaviour but he didn't understand what was wrong. I'm NOT the jealous type by the way) Woman don't have anywhere near the amount of equal rights over there as we have here and I think this has to be taken into account when judging OP's girlfriend.

You're girlfriend is acting a bit nutty though and taking it to the extreme but if you're living in Ireland, maybe she's not sure how things work over here yet and it'll take her some time to put her guard down and adjust. Maybe give her one more chance but you have to put your foot down and not just "discuss" this matter. If this continues, tell her it's over. Maybe she needs to make some female friends over here to begin to trust them and realise how she's feeling IS a cultural thing and not the norm.

If things don't change, then yeah, I would agree with Fluffy Bunny, do a legger BIG time.

MelonieHead

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

it was said several times by different posters that south american women respond to someone who is strong with them. Apparently you need to lead the way and show that you won't take any tantrums etc.

Just to disagree with this OP, you shouldn't pander to your partner because of where they come from, that's nonsense. She's not in Latin America now and has no reason to expect special treatment. Also, she's not with a Latin American man, maybe there's a reason for that.

You should treat her like you would any other girlfrend, explain to her that her behaviour is not acceptable. If she refuses to take stock of her behaviour then it shows how little respect she has for you. If she does agree but doesn't follow through maybe give her a 2nd chance, but not a 3rd.

In any case, don't try to second-guess what she wants. If for no other reason than you might be wrong.

Kinetic^

No trust = no relationship,it's as simple as that.

Karen09

when i was wit my OH about this length of time, i was going tru th same issues. he was very jealous. I never gave him any reason to be like this, however it was beginning to really annoy me, however I really Really liked him. So I spoke to him about it, and left him to think about it for a while. From then on it was a slow process but he eventually stopped this jealously. four years on, were extremely happy. so basically all I can say is talk to her, what harm can it do??

LegacyUser

my brother is married to a lady from south america. She too was jealous all the time when they were dating about other woman etc, behaved the same as OP girlfriend. They are married now with children and her jealousy towards other women has turned into jealousy towards his mother/sisters/brothers/ friends/relatives she has demanded that he cut all contact with anyone from his past/present and throws fits similar to the one OP described on a daily basis, if he doesn't answer the phone, doesn't email her within five mins etc. Last time we spoke with him he described it as a living hell but he has no option but to stay with children, people worry how he is now but don't know because she has demanded no contact and he has agreed for peace. Don't let this get out of control OP, if she is still behaving like this after you have explained that you don't agree with it just run for your life. I don't know if we can say that all South American woman are like this because I know two others quite well and they don't behave like this, she may be hiding behind her culture to explain her irrational behaviour.

Das Kitty

Driving a wedge between you and your friends.
Stripping away your privacy
Treating you like a possession
Behaving aggressively and violently.

If this was a guy treating a girl this way you'd all be telling her to get away from this abusive wifebeater. Why is it different because she is a woman?

Get out OP, you can't be her emotional punchbag whilst she works out her issues, that is assuming she wants to work them out which I actually doubt.

LegacyUser

Das Kitty wrote: »

Driving a wedge between you and your friends.
Stripping away your privacy
Treating you like a possession
Behaving aggressively and violently.

If this was a guy treating a girl this way you'd all be telling her to get away from this abusive wifebeater. Why is it different because she is a woman?

Get out OP, you can't be her emotional punchbag whilst she works out her issues, that is assuming she wants to work them out which I actually doubt.

'Get out' that a bit harsh the girl has prob many insecurities. Das Kitty get a grip!! emotional punchbag?? thats a bit much considering you have no idea wat previous relationships could of been like for this girl!!
OP confront her ask her why she feels the need to be so clingly and jealous, only after u have this discussion will u perhaps no why your in this situation.
She may even feel terrible about this intrusion of your privacy.

LegacyUser

i just want to say thank you for everyones advice here.... im not the OP im just someone who was flicking through this advice

admittedly, i myself am someone very like the op's girlf.... i am very jealous person and can treat my oh terribley because of it.... the worst thing is that i know i am not being fair, yet still cant stop feeling that way and acting out.... basically what im saying is that from reading all these messages i have come to see that what im doing is totally wrong and unfair and im going to try my damn best to cop on and start treating my boyf better........

thanks guys

bubblewrap

I am a very jealous girlfriend, I hate my bf seeing his girl mate, hate him talking to other women and yes I check his phone. I don't do it out of enjoyment, I don't want to be this way but unless someone is in this situation and mindset, you can't begin to know how awful it feels and how trapped you feel.

Not excusing it because I know it is wrong but you need to realise there are deep issues in there and threatening to leave doesn't help. If you love her, you don't need to cut contact with girls, just don't flaunt them in her face, if she happens to be there when you see one, make her feel good by joining her in the conversation, holding her hand/put your arm round her etc...makes a huge difference, trust me.

LegacyUser

Im the OP

wow ! thanks to all for the advice and to the two women who admitted they too are jealous gf's.

I really hope I can work this out with her as I do love her dearly and she does love me.

Time for a bit of tough-love me thinks over the next few days.

Das Kitty

Unregistered wrote: »

'Get out' that a bit harsh the girl has prob many insecurities. Das Kitty get a grip!! emotional punchbag?? thats a bit much considering you have no idea wat previous relationships could of been like for this girl!!
OP confront her ask her why she feels the need to be so clingly and jealous, only after u have this discussion will u perhaps no why your in this situation.
She may even feel terrible about this intrusion of your privacy.

So if a guy had bad relationships in the past it would excuse him breaking the furniture in a jealous rage you think?

OP has confronted her and she lost the plot. I tell you I wouldn't be sticking around for the next round if I got the reaction he did for having someone's name in my phone, I'd be scared for my safety tbh.

Wibbs

OK My humble....

Unregistered wrote: »

'Get out' that a bit harsh the girl has prob many insecurities.

So what? I'm serious BTW. Her insecurities are entirely her own issue. Not his if he's not feeding them. He's not her shrink and his job is not to cure her of these insecurities

Das Kitty get a grip!! emotional punchbag?? thats a bit much considering you have no idea wat previous relationships could of been like for this girl!!

Again so what? Her previous relationships are not his issue either. They're hers. He is neither her daddy nor her shrink. He's her partner. End of. Yes he should not give her reason to feel insecure, yes he should treat her with the same respect he should extend to himself, but that is where it begins and ends.

OP confront her ask her why she feels the need to be so clingly and jealous, only after u have this discussion will u perhaps no why your in this situation.

It might work, but having dealt with various incarnations of this type in the past, I doubt it, but his mileage may differ. The cultural thing may be a lot of it as Eve_Dublin wrote. I myself have some experience of the latin macho culture and how women can be treated and how men act. That crap runs deep. Interestingly while the macho thing is evident when dating when married the pendulum swings the other way and hen pecked aint in it. Karma etc.

She may even feel terrible about this intrusion of your privacy.

Frankly if she feels terrible then she should stop. Simple as. If she can't stop, she's getting something from this emotionally so it feels "good" to her. An unhealthy feedback loop. The only way to stop that is to stop her feedback. Don't do what many if not most guys will do and go along with it, giving constant reassurance and curtailing their own life. They think that all she needs is reassurance. Big mistake. Word to the wise; it will never be enough. It never is with that personality glitch. It just plugs into her unhealthy feedback loop and it's rinse and repeat time. So next time she goes off on one, as I said, ignore her. Say the same phrase every time she does it. Something like "I've given you no reason to feel and act this way, so I'll see you later" say it calmly and pleasantly and walk away. It stops the feedback loop in it's tracks. She doesn't get what she wants and if she learns that this will not unsettle you, she'll likely up the ante at first, but she will respect this as you have calmly but definitively set your boundaries.

Whether she's into the macho or the wuss types, she will respect and understand your position. Now bubblewrap wrote that threatening to leave won't help. I agree, but if she's affecting your life to this degree, then you actually leaving will help. It'll help you. Oh she may leave herself, but in that case bullet well dodged(and I would not be surprised to hear she keeps ringing you begging for another chance if that did happen. Standard MO).

IMHO Never be afraid to lose someone who affects your life, no matter how much you love them(goes for women too). If you don't have that fear you will be surprised how others will pick up on that and act accordingly as it is rare in men or women.

If she can't stop and the positive feedback from you doesn't work, well then maybe she needs professional help. In that case let her get it. As I say you're not her shrink. They get paid for their time, you won't.

LegacyUser

'Wibbs' you keep sayin so wat??? Obviously the OP cares dearly about this girl and want to try make things work. If he didnt care fair enough walk away. You seem lucky enough, you dont seem to have insecurities, but if u did you'd understand how this girl may feel. Now I dont condole looking thru phones or telling someone to delete a number from a phone, but I do seriously stand by the term 'GET OUT' is way too much especially when the OP has feelings for the girl.
I was simply advising him to speak to her and get to the root of her prob, no he's not a shrink but if their in a relationship and something is bothering her he should want to no. I no my BF would. Perhaps she may just need some reassuring, or maybe she is a bunny boiler, watever, this way he can find out. WHY??? cause he clearly cares about her and thinks its something worth fighting for.

Das Kitty

Unregistered wrote: »

Obviously the OP cares dearly about this girl and want to try make things work. If he didnt care fair enough walk away. You seem lucky enough, you dont seem to have insecurities, but if u did you'd understand how this girl may feel. Now I dont condole looking thru phones or telling someone to delete a number from a phone, but I do seriously stand by the term 'GET OUT' is way too much especially when the OP has feelings for the girl.
I was simply advising him to speak to her and get to the root of her prob, no he's not a shrink but if their in a relationship and something is bothering her he should want to no. I no my BF would. Perhaps she may just need some reassuring, or maybe she is a bunny boiler, watever, this way he can find out. WHY??? cause he clearly cares about her and thinks its something worth fighting for.

So if someone is getting regularly battered by their partner, if they care for them they should still stay with them as well? I don't like your line of logic, you can care all you like for someone but if you're being bullied why on earth should you stick around? You never answered my question either. If a man was bullying a woman and being physically aggressive, would you advise her to have a nice chat with him (even though last time he flipped out when she tried) and get to the root of his insecurities?

Beruthiel

bubblewrap wrote: »

I am a very jealous girlfriend, I hate my bf seeing his girl mate, hate him talking to other women and yes I check his phone.

I have suggested you address your issues over the last few weeks, I strongly urge you to do so.

I don't want to be this way but unless someone is in this situation and mindset, you can't begin to know how awful it feels and how trapped you feel.

Quit with the feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it.

just don't flaunt them in her face, if she happens to be there when you see one, make her feel good by joining her in the conversation, holding her hand/put your arm round her etc.

Pandering to someone insecurities will never ever help them. You do yourself and them no favours.
This is their issue and it is up to them to sort it out. It is not up to your OH to pander to your noncense.

smileysurfer

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks for the advice

You are right, I will stop treating her like a princess. But I will not treat her bad either.

Good point about not getting emotional when she kicks off. I will try to ignore her when she does this.

I wouldnt ignore her either, id tell her to cop the fup on and stop being ridiculous, annoying, physcotic, childish and controlling!
Tell her this behaviour will no longetr be tollerated! its seriously time for some tough love

bubblewrap

Beruthiel wrote: »

I have suggested you address your issues over the last few weeks, I strongly urge you to do so.



Quit with the feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it.



Pandering to someone insecurities will never ever help them. You do yourself and them no favours.
This is their issue and it is up to them to sort it out. It is not up to your OH to pander to your noncense.

What you need to ask yourself though is how would the partner like it doing to them? You don't need to be insecure to get p*ssed off about your partner paying particular attention to a member of the opposite sex.

I was chatted up when me and my bf was out in a gang and he went spare (IMO I was being chatted TO not UP), yet he expects me to be 'cool' with him hanging around with some bird whose legs are like Flora butter.

Das Kitty

bubblewrap wrote: »

What you need to ask yourself though is how would the partner like it doing to them? You don't need to be insecure to get p*ssed off about your partner paying particular attention to a member of the opposite sex.

I was chatted up when me and my bf was out in a gang and he went spare (IMO I was being chatted TO not UP), yet he expects me to be 'cool' with him hanging around with some bird whose legs are like Flora butter.

:rolleyes:

Seriously bubblewrap, every single thread about jealousy or cheating I'm waiting for your name to appear and make it a thread about your relationship.

It's not fair on the OPs and it's not fair on those who give you the same advice over and over.

Yourself and your man are obviously two peas in a pod with regard to this issue, you need to both sort out your jealousy and insecurities.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

'Wibbs' you keep sayin so wat??? Obviously the OP cares dearly about this girl and want to try make things work.

And that is a good thing, what I'm doing is just giving my opinion as to how to maybe go about actually helping her as opposed to pandering to her insecurities and her methods of dealing with them.

You seem lucky enough, you dont seem to have insecurities, but if u did you'd understand how this girl may feel.

Unless your name is Mr Christ or Mr. Buddha we all have insecurities. I have insecurities, but I realise that they are my problem not the worlds and especially not any partner of mines. Yes I would talk with a partner about how I was insecure about something and examine it together. I would not go off on a scary eyed mad strop like a child with same partner. That's the diff. Everyone farts, it doesn't mean I do it in their face. Same diff. They're my insecurities and they spring from me and the solution for them rests with me. Yes I may need help from others, but I also realise that for the most part, unless as a one off, people have enough on their own plate without me adding to it kinda thing.

Now I dont condole looking thru phones or telling someone to delete a number from a phone, but I do seriously stand by the term 'GET OUT' is way too much especially when the OP has feelings for the girl.

I agre on the phone thing. That would be a marching orders situation with me. Bye bye. Not the first time. I would give anyone the benefit of the doubt. We all have bad times and that's cool, but if it became consistent behaviour, they need help and the not any of the kind of help I can give. As I said I have found no matter how much of the wrong support and pandering a partner does, it's never enough. I did not suggest "Get out" either. I suggested calming the hell down in the face of her high emotions and calmly stating that I would consider this argument not worthy of my focus and until such times as she calmed down I would not be engaging with her.

I was simply advising him to speak to her and get to the root of her prob, no he's not a shrink but if their in a relationship and something is bothering her he should want to no. I no my BF would.

Oh I agree, talking is good and if she does sit down calmly and without going OTT and explains why she feels that way then great. I am all for that. That would be brilliant, but all too often the emotional responses will be racked up, especially if she is that insecure and sees this as an a attack. Then withdrawing is his best option until if and when she calms down and acts like an adult.

Perhaps she may just need some reassuring,

OK but how much reassurance does she require? He's with her a year, by his account he is not playing away or flirting with other women, so what more must he do. TBH and it is IMHO, but all too often in these case reassurance just plays more and more into her unhealthy feedback loop again. If I have shown someone(friend or lover) that I am there for them and it's self evident that I am, I should not keep having to repeat this verbally.

or maybe she is a bunny boiler, watever, this way he can find out. WHY??? cause he clearly cares about her and thinks its something worth fighting for.

Of course he cares for her. I would hope that's a given and I'm sure she has many great qualities too, but "worth fighting for", goes both ways. It's not just on his side. If she's not willing to meet him halfway in fighting for the reationship as opposed to fighting over the relationship, then and only then would I be considering my options.

smileysurfer wrote:

I wouldnt ignore her either, id tell her to cop the fup on and stop being ridiculous, annoying, physcotic, childish and controlling!
Tell her this behaviour will no longetr be tollerated! its seriously time for some tough love

I see where you're coming from, but as I've said IMHO that will not work. This reaction is what she's expecting. Telling her to cop the fup on etc and describing her as psychotic and childish will just wind up the emotions and give her her drama. This is what she wants and expects(in a masochistic way too, if she really is this insecure ). Exes of hers may have done this before. The OP has likely done this before. Yet here he is. Do something different. Do not play into her feedback loop. Be calm with her. Ask her calmly to have a chat about her feelings. Listen to her without interruption. If she starts a big strop and you'll know it's not just her emotion coming out, don't tell her she's childish, treat her like she is. Again calmly tell her, "this isn't helping you or us to move on. I'll leave now and ring me if you want us to discuss this further, but not if you're losing the head". Then actually leave.

bubblewrap wrote:

What you need to ask yourself though is how would the partner like it doing to them?

If it was a one off or harmless flirting then I'd let it go. If it was consistent I would ask myself if I had any part to play in this if she suddenly started this guff. If so I would talk with her and see if there was something I need to change in myself and for myself to help the relationship. If not, I would discuss with her why she wanted to pull this crap. If she explained then fine, we could work on that, if she couldn't well then she would be told no more or I will leave.

You don't need to be insecure to get p*ssed off about your partner paying particular attention to a member of the opposite sex.

In a way you do. I know cos I would have been like that back in the day. Now? If they want to leave, then let them. Yes it will hurt me, but I would rather that hurt than the chronic pain of being with someone who was a chronic pain. The difference between me now and then? Now I am not afraid to leave. I know I will find someone else. There are many many wonderful women out there I have met and will meet and enough of them will think me worth a shot, so why be with one that isn't so wonderful and treats me with disrespect? My rule now is never be afraid to actively work for a healthy relationship, but equally never be afraid to leave a bad relationship where the other isn't willing to do so, even if it hurts me terribly at the time.

I was chatted up when me and my bf was out in a gang and he went spare (IMO I was being chatted TO not UP), yet he expects me to be 'cool' with him hanging around with some bird whose legs are like Flora butter.

Well then no offence but it doesn't sound like a great relationship or at least that part of the relationship doesn't and needs work.

Kintarō Hattori

MelonieHead wrote: »

Just to disagree with this OP, you shouldn't pander to your partner because of where they come from, that's nonsense. She's not in Latin America now and has no reason to expect special treatment. Also, she's not with a Latin American man, maybe there's a reason for that.

You should treat her like you would any other girlfrend, explain to her that her behaviour is not acceptable. If she refuses to take stock of her behaviour then it shows how little respect she has for you. If she does agree but doesn't follow through maybe give her a 2nd chance, but not a 3rd.

In any case, don't try to second-guess what she wants. If for no other reason than you might be wrong.

Way to partially quote me there. Of course her behaviour (as I said) is unacceptable but it does help to try and put it in context. Where she's from, what happens there etc.

As I also stated in the same post:

Now I don't know if that is the case as I've never gone out with anyone from south america myself but certainly in this situation you do need to be strong with her and not bow to pressure. Don't apolgize for meeting or talking to other women. Explain clearly that you love the girl, want to be with her but that her jealousy is making this very difficult. Don't say it's driving you apart as that could make her even more jittery than she is now.

Certainly it is in this part of the world unacceptable behaviour and you have to make her realise she is in Ireland and not south america. Talk talk talk, reassure her, take no nonsense and hopefully she'll realise that she can't carry on in that manner.

Oh The Humanity

You seem lucky enough, you dont seem to have insecurities, but if u did you'd understand how this girl may feel.

Having insecurities is NOTHING to do with luck.
FACT.

Its a choice, a decision.

Everyone has them, but most people take personal responsibility for themselves and work damn hard at being a grown up and not acting like an abusive psycho.

I fully agree with Das Kitty, if OP was female this thread would be flooded with people full of outrage and indignation and rightly so. If we are to be taken seriously as equals we as women have to accept responsibilty for our own bad bahviour.

I recently saw a problem page in the paper where a fella complained he was in a new relationship. The girl bit him in the face during sex drawing blood. This was without agreement or discussion. The 'advice' was a disgrace. The same 'talk to her about it, see if there is something bothering her' nonsense that is being propounded here.

In otherwords spoonfeed the abuser if its a woman/girl. How patronising.

There is NO EXCUSE for this outrageous behaviour. It is totally unacceptable.

Zero tolerance needs to be applied here. You have given her two warnings the next time she transgresses I would show her the door. She is acting like a crazy lunatic.

LegacyUser

OP here

I sat down with her last night and was very firm with her.

I told her we were on very thin ice as a couple and that I wanted three things from her and she needed to prove these three things over the next few weeks

1. I told her to look me in the eye and tell me that she trusts me. She couldnt do that she was looking all over the place except me. I said ok if you dont trust me how can we even be talking about getting engaged, or buying a house or setting up a bank account together.

After 10 minutes she broke down crying acknowledging her problem and she said she would really try to trust me. (ok, not perfect but its a start)

2. I told her I have put up with her jealously for the last time and that she must NEVER go through my phone again, and that she MUST accept my female friends and that she would get help for her jealously. She agreed.

3. She must open up more to me and share whats on her mind. She can be very quiet sometimes I know somethings are eating her up inside. She must share her problems with me and let us work through them as a couple.

I firmly put it to her that we will not have a future together if she continues this way and that the next few weeks will be crucial for us.

I stated to her that I do NOT want conversations like this one again in one month, one year or 10 years with her and that she must take these three points very seriously.

I will post again in a few weeks with an update.

thanks to all
Paul

Victor

What about doing some physical and/or mental exercises where you have to trust each other? In the fire brigade they get you to jump from one high platform to another (while wearing a safety harness) to help you build your confidence (not just with vertigo), gradually the platforms get higher and higher. Doing something like that, but which involves a buddy-buddy system might help.

Of course, personal and relationship councelling would seem to be important also.

Wibbs

Kudos OP. It can't have been easy, but I honestly think you did that perfectly from your telling. She will respect you and your wishes more now and she'll be happier in herself with the boundaries, far happier than if you had continued to pander to them or gone off on an equal strop.

Keep this consistent though. IMHO she will push these boundaries again to see how serious you are. If she does, just call her on it and remove yourself from her company, until she calms down again.

She's been leading this aspect of your relationship for too long and funny enough has been frustrated by that. Now you're in the lead role in this aspect and that's a good thing. With time you'll equalise out and then you'll be in a much healthier position and she'll be a lot happier. As I say kudos, I wish more partners did this and stopped pandering to and enabling unhealthy behaviour.

SarahSassy

From personal experience I think that jealousy can rear its head within a relationship when the partnership is not suitable. I know I was jealous with ex's because we were not able to communicate properly...

I am not jealous by nature and this was going against the grain for me and I realised that it was not me, or him, it was US...

If the person is right for you and you for him / her, trust is there and stress and upset isnt.

star-pants

Aye, fair play OP - sounds like you said things just right. Made it nice and clear and now she knows what the story is, and will hopefully kerb her jealousy.
Best of luck to ye both

MelonieHead

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

Of course her behaviour (as I said) is unacceptable but it does help to try and put it in context. Where she's from, what happens there etc.

Context? Stop making everythiong about you.

OP, if I were you I wouldn't make excuses for your OHs behaviour.

You've sat her down and talked to her and she's agreed to keep her behaviour in check. That's great. Now just make sure that if she doesn't stick to that agreement you will not put up with a relapse into her old behaviour.

Everyone makes mistakes and it will be hard for her at the start but if she wants to keep you she will at least try. If she's not willing to try then it may not be worth all the heartache. You'll only be back in the same situation every couple of weeks. If you can see that's she's meeting you halfway and trying then you may find it easier to forgive if she has a slip-up.

cafecolour

I just thought I'd add that in a lot of South America (or the world, of course), things are VERY gender separated, and guys essentially have only guy friends and women only female friends. So any association of a guy with a non-related girl would generally be some sort of courtship/testing of waters. So if she was raised in that sort of mindset, it's just adding to the problems until she confronts the cultural differences.

OTOH - if she's from, say Rio, then she just straight up jealous

thescruff

Unregistered wrote: »

With my girlfriend now one year. Shes south american and a very beautiful person, outside and in. But has one flaw, jealousy.

She has been like this from day 1.

Some examples

If I stop on the street to talk with a friend she would have a face on her and then accuse me later of sleeping with the friend.
Constantly goes through my phone reading sms and who called me or who I called.
Goes crazy if I come home and tell her I met a friend (female) for lunch or a coffee and accuses me of cheating on her.

Last night I got out of the shower and she was sitting there with a huge face on her, after two hours she confronted me aggressively, picked up my phone and asked who is
"Gaby-love".

Gaby-love is a woman I met about years ago and have not spoken to in over 3 years. I explained this to my gf and she was having none of it. She was shouting and was very nervous, she broke plates and cups and slept on the sofa last night.

I have never done anything to make my gf jealous. I dont flirt with other women, I have NEVER cheated on her and I treat her like a princess.

Her jealousy is making me crazy and driving us apart.

Advice please

thanks

Dump her mate she has problems, no matter how good the sex is no matter how pretty she is no matter how wealthy she is, she'll be high maintenance in the future. She's insecure and there is nothing you or anyone can do, probably stems from something in her childhood and unless you're a psychologist specialising in this field, get out now. There are lots of other women waiting to meet you!

killerbeekilled

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

OK, not sure if it's okay to say this and I know moderators might see this as a generalisation and reprimand me if this is the case but I think this could very well be a cultural difference. I spent a year in Latin-America and from a female point-of-view, I came across a lot of situations where the women have every right to be jealous of the men. A lot of the men have the women driven crazy over there.

I would get men shouting and whistling at me on the street while holding their girlfriend's hands (unbelievable!). I had men chatting me up all the time (sorry, not being arrogant here but if you're a foreigner over there, you get a lot of attention) and would openly tell me they had girlfriends like it was nothing. I had men feeling me up in clubs with their girlfriends right behind them giving me the dagger eyes. This happened a hell of a lot over there, OP.

I could go on but you get the idea. From what I observed, and I'm talking about the continent as a whole, women are second-class citizens and machismo is alive and well (machismo is what they call excessive masculine behaviour). From what I observed, fidelity is not as valued in relationships as it is in here in Ireland and what is considered acceptable behaviour towards a woman over there would get a man a punch in the face by a fiesty, Irish lady over here, no doubt about it. If you accused a man of being sexist or disrespectful, which I did on plenty of occasions until I eventually gave up my one-woman crusade against sexism, they wouldn't know what you're talking about. It's just the way things are over there...but they're changing!

Women are very competitive with other women in South America and that's because of the society they've grown up in have made them insecure; men, although they might not admit it, play women off each other. I made plenty of female friends over there who are fully aware that they act irrationally sometimes, like your girlfriend and maybe a year ago I might have labelled them bunny-boilers but now I really couldn't blame them. Honestly. I dated a guy while I was there and as lovely as he was, I think I'd be driven mental eventually by how he carried on around other women (when I saw this, I got rid of him immediately. Coming from here, I could never accept that kind of behaviour but he didn't understand what was wrong. I'm NOT the jealous type by the way) Woman don't have anywhere near the amount of equal rights over there as we have here and I think this has to be taken into account when judging OP's girlfriend.

You're girlfriend is acting a bit nutty though and taking it to the extreme but if you're living in Ireland, maybe she's not sure how things work over here yet and it'll take her some time to put her guard down and adjust. Maybe give her one more chance but you have to put your foot down and not just "discuss" this matter. If this continues, tell her it's over. Maybe she needs to make some female friends over here to begin to trust them and realise how she's feeling IS a cultural thing and not the norm.

If things don't change, then yeah, I would agree with Fluffy Bunny, do a legger BIG time.

Eve Dublin, you've got it 100% bang onn correctamundo. OP, read and understand, and overtime, communicate this to your beautiful linda latina...


Meloniehead in your post following Eve Dublins, i'm sorry, but you've got it 100% completely wrong.

I have travelled all over South America, and experienced this first hand, particularly in Brazil, exactly how 'Eve Dublin' describes it. Well seen it from a males perspective is slightly different than that of Eve's description, but you get the gist.

OP, Im am with my girlfriend 8 months in Dublin now, she is from Brazil, very beautiful, great person on the inside, warm, loving, sexy, classy charming etc etc very similiar to yours, but also like yours....verrrrrry jealous, however she knows she is, and tells me it is her defect, so thankfully she is aware of the culture difference, but reinforcing the culture difference thing is a slow slow process, and initially i would'nt tell her at all if i was out with a female friend just to meet, but its slowly becoming ok now.

For me, i knew what Brazilian (and South American) girls are like, so luckily i got a chance early on to confront it, so for you i would continue to confront her jealously with the methods described earlier (not participating in the big deal she is making etc) and she will eventually learn....regarding the phone, i dont let her read through my phone, this is out of bounds, but if you do want to give her your phone, tell here to give hers to you, even though the messages may be in portuguese/SA spanish, she still might calm down on this after a while...

However, if you think it is too late, the next time you date a Linda Brasilera or Beautiful Brazilian Girl (well if yours is Brazilian which my money is on), then you might confront her early onn in the relationship....

final thought....give her a chance, a few more chances than normal, because this is normal for her culture, and like you, i know the rewards

I do not want to sound big headed when i say this, but i've dated practically every nationality out there, and my favourite is the Brasilera, but i don't want to date any more, just this one para tudo o sempre....;)

Good Luck OP

Heineken Helen

Beruthiel wrote: »

I have suggested you address your issues over the last few weeks, I strongly urge you to do so.



Quit with the feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it.



Pandering to someone insecurities will never ever help them. You do yourself and them no favours.
This is their issue and it is up to them to sort it out. It is not up to your OH to pander to your noncense.

well it's a polite thing to do anyway... introduce your gf to whoever you're talking to, whether they're male or female. I've had bf's who've forgotten once or twice and it was no biggie though.

Anyway op, you obviously love her and I hope you can figure this out. I agree with the other posters... I was gonna give you advice about talking it through but then when I thought 'if it was a man behaving like this I'd tell the op to run'. There's been a lot of good advice given here. Trust is a HUGE issue for me and her behaviour would be a dealbreaker but good luck to you