Should she cut all communication?

LegacyUser

Ok i have an issue with my girlfriend which only yesterday was I brave enough to bring up. It ended with her walking out, although we have made up since.

She has a friend back in her country who she constantly emails and tells everything to. Fair enough. She tells me last week that this guy is in fact her ex from when she was 14 to 17. She is 20 now. When i was in her country she wanted me to meet him but he wasnt around. She says she didnt tell me it was her ex so i could meet him without any negitive preconceptions. We never met because he wasnt around.

Ok so i tell her, for his sake, that she should email him saying that it will be the last and remove him from facebook etc. This guy is still in love with her, after 3 years he hasnt even kissed another girl. He is in college in the prime of his life and he is miserable. He says stuff like hes so happy whenever she replies and thinks of her all the time, he even said he thinks they will end up being together. I cant believe this !! I cant believe she will allow him to do this to himself, when she has no interest at all! She says she loves him like a friend, she tells him everything.

A few more random things about him:
He changed school when they were 17 after the break up to HER school which she also moved to - stalker imo.
He is seeing a shrink about all this.
ehh cant think of any more right now but i will update after talking to her again.

I am going to show her this because I really think they should not be in contact whatsoever anymore. Its not healthy for him. Its ok for her because she gets what shes wants, someone to go through all her problems with, but i think she has other friends for this as well... and me of course!

I would really appreciate any opinions. Negitive or positive. Am I putting my foot in this too much? Should she cut him out of his life?

Sorry if this is a bit of ramble, i suck at english

JangoFett

Well man, the worst thing you can do is tell your girlfriend what to do, especially when it comes to their ex boyfriends. They know them in a different way, not just as a person, much more intimately.

Just talk to her, let her know how insecure you are about this situation, it seems that way, and I've been in a similar situation myself.

OR she could love the attention, some women love that kind of attention, an ex still loving them because they think that someone can't get over them because they are "so amazing"

My advice is to talk to her about this

easyeason3

By staying in contact with him she is giving him falsh hope that there is a chance they might get back together so she should definately cut contact to make it easier for him to move on.
I'd say it's an ego boost for her to still have him after her which is a selfish reason to keep communicating with him. There's nothing to say that in time they can be genuine friends but as long as he is interested in her it's not a true friendship.

Lollipops23

wow,that's a lot of hassle.
right this bloke must have serious problems,any girl in her right mind would want to cut ties with this guy for his own sake. is it possible she enjoys lording her power over him?

you can't tell her to cut him out, tbh she should know of her own accord that it needs to be done.this guy will not move on until she does. telling her to may only serve to drive them closer.

LegacyUser

JangoFett i think you are mistaken in thinking this is an insecurity issue with me. I feel she should cut off commuinication for HIS sake. I also said to her many times during our conversation that i cannot tell her what to do. Many times i said "if i was in your situation". Its something that has been on my mind alot since she mentioned her ex. I really think its a dreadful thing she is inflicting on him imo

They hang all the time when she is at home, like friends she says. but this is clearly only in her mind. Although he does sound like a really nice guy to her, he never does anything inappropriate, he is always there for her. but its as a friend in her mind. Also i might be going back to college come september (whole other story) and she said to me even when im gone, he will still be there listening to everything she has to say. I think thats a very good point and i simply cant argue with that. its not definate im leaving but she is right in that aspect. My problem is that she has no romantic interest in this guy whatsoever, he is being tortured. 3 years of his life from 17 to 20 and he is waiting for something that will never come, this isnt right.

I think thats interesting what easyeason is saying about it being an ego boost for her

cafecolour

It may be an ego boost. It may be that she spent so much time during with him that she feels attached to him (not sexually of course).

She is definitely a head-wrecker for him, and he's not going to move on with out cutting ties. How you convince her of this without seeming jealous is pretty difficult honestly.

i have to agree with Jangofett. Definitely sounds like you're insecure to me. You don't know this guy so you should have no strong feelings for how he is treated. And demnading she cuts off contact is not the way to go.
Dont forget, 3 years of her life (longer as friends) so why wouldn't he keep in contact, regardless of it being an ex or just a friend. Your first love is definitely the hardest to get over but thats his issue and he'll deal with it.

All that said, i absolutely would be insecure to and it seems to me like she is keeping her options open but at the end of the day, shes with you

Wibbs

It could be an ego boost, mixed in with guilt and one is feeding the other. Her line about him being there listening to her is a selfish act on her part(and a bit of emotional guilt tripping on you too TBH). I've noted over time, that there are more women than men with this thing going on. It's like a fear of abandonment projected onto the ex, or a fear of being seen as a failure that when a relationship goes south they'll hang on for dear life to a "friendship" as if to say "look I didn't fail completely" kinda thing. It comes from a very selfish or at least self centered mindset though. They're usually the type of person that needs an extended support system around them. They tend to be overly dramatic emotionally too. I dunno if your girlfriend fits this pattern, but that would be my take on it.

IMHO she knows all of this and this is making her more guilty. You push too hard and she may even start to look at him differently again. I've seen that happen too and the women involved swore blind(an I think believed it at the time) that they didn't have those feelings for them anymore. OK conjecture time here....It looks like she is making up the "perfect boyfriend" from the two of you. He seems to be making up some shortfall emotionally for her with all this emailing and talking. Maybe she's lining him up emotionally for when you're not around.

I would explain to her that for all that she thinks she is doing for him, this is not good for him. It is making him worse. Her presence in his life is stopping him from any chance of healing. As you say saying this without kicking off her defensive mode is going to be hard. Even harder if she doesn't care and needs him in her life.

I was once in a kinda similar situation and TBH, in the end it broke us up. Well in the end I walked away as it was just too much hassle and I didn't like the fact that this person had neither the insight to see what she was doing or the emotional strength to stop it. That's just me though, your GF may be quite different.

ManOfMystery

Personally, I would consider it out order if my girlfriend spent so much time in communication with an ex (who she knows is still after her) and told him everything. You are her boyfriend, you should be her main priority and she should respect the intimacy you have together by not spilling all and sundry to an ex-boyfriend. It's not an insecurity thing, it's about having respect for you.

Earthhorse

You are right that she should stop contacting her ex given what it must be doing to him. As said though, how you go about bringing this up with her is the tricky part.

If he's in therapy over this then it's unlikely cutting off all contact immediately would be a good move. Instead, you might suggest that she reduces the amount and type of contact she has with this guy. Rather than e-mailing every day they can e-mail every second day. As opposed to talking about serious stuff she could just chit-chat with him.

Again, the problem here is that she either does not have the insight to see what this is doing to him or knows what she's doing and doesn't care (or does care but isn't strong enough to cut him out of her life - or some other variation on this).

In short, I think you are right to feel the way you do but convincing her of this and to do something about it is difficult and will have to be done subtely.

That_Guy

Listen man she's with you now so as annoying as it may seem you just have to remember that she's your girlfriend and nobody elses.

Lots of people keep in contact with their ex partners. It's not unusual. He knows you're together so just talk to your girlfriend and tell her that you feel weird about him saying things like they'll end up together etc. I think it would be unfair of you to ask her to cut all communication because that's not fair on her especially if she just sees him as a friend.

gwah

You only found out last week that he is her ex but you knew all these details about their relationship before last week?

If this is the case then I don't think you're insecure, I think you're empathic!

gwah wrote: »

I cant believe she will allow him to do this to himself, when she has no interest at all! ... Its not healthy for him. Its ok for her because she gets what shes wants

gwah wrote: »

I really think its a dreadful thing she is inflicting on him imo ... he is being tortured. 3 years of his life from 17 to 20 and he is waiting for something that will never come, this isnt right ... I think thats interesting what easyeason is saying about it being an ego boost for her

With all due respect, your girlfriend is coming across as a tad cruel and self-serving. Either you trust her that she knows what she's doing with regard to what's best for this guy OR you let it go (and maybe anticipate the car wreck that will possibly occur ).

And your English is very good!

Wibbs

That_Guy wrote: »

Listen man she's with you now so as annoying as it may seem you just have to remember that she's your girlfriend and nobody elses.

I agree, but great in theory, not always in practice. Sometimes you have to make a stand and say enough's enough. IMHO too many people (especially men in scenarios like this) are afraid to do so. Though in this case, he's gonna have to tread very carefully.

Lots of people keep in contact with their ex partners. It's not unusual.

No it's not, but it depends on the kind of contact, the importance of the ex and the feelings involved. Nobody with half a brain is hanging around with a first love, that still holds a candle for them. Hell forget about candles, this guy is a fire hazard.

He knows you're together

True but so what? He clearly doesn't see this as much of an impediment. In her exes shoes, I wouldn't either. I mean she's engaging him a lot.

so just talk to your girlfriend and tell her that you feel weird about him saying things like they'll end up together etc.

I'd add I would be feeling weird about the sharing of emotional intimacy with this guy. Funny that would be a higher priority than the "we'll end up together". Indeed I would keep that out of the discussion in case it puts ideas of "fate" etc into her head.

I think it would be unfair of you to ask her to cut all communication because that's not fair on her especially if she just sees him as a friend.

With respect I think that's a naive and passive viewpoint. Fair doesn't come into it IMHO. Life isn't fair. Her ex needs to see this and so does she.

Now lets say she does just see him as a friend? Well given the ex is still madly in love with her after three years, is she so daft that she doesn't see this as detrimental to this guy she claims to be a friend? If she's that daft I would be concerned how easily she might be swayed emotionally.

If she does see this as detrimental to her ex, then what the hell is she doing with the guy, keeping his hopes up with long conversations of an intimate nature? Selfishness in that she doesn't want to lose this guys input into her life. Heavy enough input too. Id be asking questions there. I mean we all need people outside our relationships. That's healthy. Even exes in some circumstances, but not major first loves where there has been no break from each other, one is still in love and they're sharing emotionally intimate moments. There's not many other options going on here.

The third option of she's just being caring and nice and concerned for her ex, still leaves her in the daft camp, or at the very least the naive camp if she thinks this is good for him.

OK people differ and have different ways of dealing with something like this, but if I was her ex and was even slightly clued in, I would be well on the way to getting her back, especially when the OP goes away to college and the field is clear. She seems already to be getting a lot of what she needs emotionally from the ex, she was in love with him once and stranger things have happened.

Thinking about this, the OP is actually in a slightly worse position than her ex. The ex can clearly get all weird and emotional with her and she keeps going back. The OP even though he's her boyfriend has to be careful as if he flips in any way, this will drive her more to defend her ex and he doesn't want to do that. I do think the OP needs to make a stand, but in a subtle way. Nothing too drastic. No heavy emotions. No ultimatums either. Just sit her down and ask her what she feels her ex is getting from this relationship. Listen to her reasoning. Say nothing until she's finished with that part. Just nod your head and listen. Then ask her what she feels she's getting from this. Maybe that answer will tell you what she feels she's missing from your relationship. It could be contact with home, nostalgia from the past, him being more open emotionally with her, etc, but I'd use this guy to see if she's missing something from you.

My 2 cents anyway.

LegacyUser

thanks for the responses guys. especially wibbs as usual. certainly food for thought!