Husband really causing me terrible stress & so unhappy

LegacyUser · 20-04-2009 4:08pm #1

I just need somewhere to vent, as I cannot talk to anyone about this. It's too private and I hate people knowing my personal business. Plus, it's a hard thing to put into words in a conversation.
My husband is driving me insane for a very long time now, he is one of those people who just cannot take responsiblity for anything, he cannot put his hands up and say "yup, I was wrong it was me". It is always someone elses fault, never ever his. He brings out the worst in me temper wise and I feel I am not the person I used to be and I know my friends have picked up on my personality change. Simple things like something I would usually find funny, well I just don't laugh at it and I am gone so quiet aswell, terrible at conversation and I just feel so stressed out all the time. We have 2 fab children and I am expecting no.3 in the summer, so I really don't need his crap. He is not at all caring towards me being pregnant, he never does or says anything nice to me and I am sick of it. He just wants to act as if he is Mr. Know it all and does nothing wrong. He is a bully towards me alot aswell and tries to turn the tables on me then. I have to stand up for myself.

These are the main problems that have caused me so much trouble:
1. He owed thousands in unpaid taxes to the Revenue, the sheriff came to us for it but we had no money at the time and no property so he went after our parents with a warrant. I panicked, he didn't, came up with this thing that they cannot take a penny off our parents but I was terrified and I got the money to pay the Revenue off in a way I didn't want to but I didn't want either parents landed with that debt. He seemed happy enough to have the sheriff calling to their doors but I couldn't let it happen.
2. We fell behind in mortgage repayments, that was ALL MY FAULT aswell, not his. I should have been checking the bank, not him of course. For some reason the DD's were not being called and we didn't know. I didn't use internet banking then but I do now to track everything. Even when we got help from MABS he was blaming me in front of the money advisor. I knew about it before him, but I tried to sort it myself as he was going thru a very tough time and I didn't want him under stress. I had the money to clear it but it had to go elsewhere suddenly for another debt that could have landed me in jail to be honest.( I cannot go into that as of course that was not his fault either, he nearly ruined my life) I had to pay it off to protect my kids. We are now paying off the arrears and things are okay with that.
3.He spent a load of money there last week and is trying to blame me!. I have not used that account in ages and it's him and he is trying to find a way to point the finger at me. I used it for something last week the day before I got paid but that is all and I had told him about it.
4. He is lazy around the house and leaves stuff everywhere and denies it, the odd time he does quiet a bit and I have to listen to it for ages. I work my so hard everyday and keep things going the best I can, but I get so tired lately and fall behind in washing maybe and he throws that in my face.
5. He is always critisizing my parenting, granted I am softer on the kids but he can be so mean sometimes. He is stricter than me and to be honest when I do get annoyed with them I might let a rip out of me for a few seconds!!. But they really have to be testing me for that.
6. He always puts me down in front of people and I am sick of it. I am not stupid, have a fairly good job, adore my kids, look after the house and I am not that ugly either and he just loves putting me down.

Oh I don't know, I am just so unhappy and need someone to tell me it's me being a hormonal pain in the rearend or that he needs to cut me some slack.
I don't even know sometimes if I love him anymore, sometimes I do, otherdays I just feel so empty around him, surely that cannot be right.

Sorry for the rant, I need some advice/help here and I don't feel like talking to friends or anyone about it.

LegacyUser · 20-04-2009 4:54pm

My ex was like this....I tried eveything, he would never change. I left him, I am so happy now. Dont let the fact that you have kids stand in your way, get out. Its better without them parasiting off you and draining you.

The more you sort out his messes, the more messes he will create for you.

Get out. Seriously.

bluecell99 · 20-04-2009 4:54pm

First of all OP hope you feel a bit better after that post.What to say?Well you mention it's too private to confide in any family or friends.Think again on that one.You need support and even talking unburdens yourself.Do you put up a front?Do you basically hide the issues from everyone and maintain a strong ,united family front where everything is rosy in the garden?Time to stop that one I think.Why should you cover anymore for your husband?If what you say is true then he is acting like a spoilt,irresponsible and (frankly) a bloody jerk.Who the hell does he think he is?Maybe if someone else could see whats going on and said it to him then he might cop on.Have you expressed your annoyance ?Have you walked away so as not to start arguments?Do you back down?Bullies love this.He needs to be confronted and made see what he is putting in danger.You are weary and tired and exhausted from making all the effort.Now you are not best placed to try to change things given your pregnancy.

Not easy either with two kids to be minded.You are carrying too much burden.Start talking and looking for help.There is no shame in this.He should be ashamed and made see in no uncertain terms what he is risking .

Hopefully there is someone close to you.Alternatively please discuss with your doctor and seek advice.

Good luck with the next arrival and look after yourself first.

carlybabe1 · 20-04-2009 5:06pm

Pack his ****, have it waiting for him when he comes home from work....End of, if you really feel the way you say youd and you really believe that he is treating you so badly then why stay together??????

And dont use the kids as an excuse to stay together, they'll feel the tension and it will affect them negatively
As long as hes working he will have to pay maintenance, and pay a decent sum at that. If he gives you any crap just take him to court, dont argue with him, just do it

LegacyUser · 20-04-2009 5:41pm

Op here and thanks for the replies, yes the fact that I can't/won't confide in anyone is draining enough but seriously I really don't want anyone knowing this. On the outside we come across so united and that life is fine. The odd day we are okay and don't have any arguements and I just hope everytime that we have crossed the line and can have a normal life. It's just the whole blame thing, the nastiness towards me that nobody see's, how can I can tell someone that?. My friends would call over to me alot and me to them and really I don't want people judging him either or telling me to do this and that because he will pick up on it.
Also, he would go mad if he thought I was talking about him to anyone. I did that one before and never again, he even went thru a stage of checking my texts and listening to my phone calls. I had told a friend of mine something before but never again once he realized she knew, he was rude to her when she was in our house and was furious with me for telling someone.
I used to be so confident and fun and over the past few years I have just turned into a person I don't know.

I do stand up to him and I have done it once or twice in a way I am ashamed of which once involved a broken cup and the other slamming doors. I hate when I feel so mad/upset that I lost it like that & then once I do that he calls me a bully.

I wasn't 100% thrilled when I found out I was pregnant again this time, and it was nothing to do with the baby or pregnancy,it was the fact that I don't think my marraige is strong enough for another baby and I don't want to have to rare 3 kids on my own or be in a situation where I would have to share custody and not see them one or two nights a week, it would kill me being away from them for any amount of time, they are my life.

I don't think he loves me at all if I am honest about it either, he is always looking for way to accuse me of this and that and make everything out to be my fault.

I am just so upset now and feel like total crap, it's like I've had it now and cannot cope anymore without something actually happening to sort out this mess.

Stheno · 20-04-2009 6:45pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Op here and thanks for the replies, yes the fact that I can't/won't confide in anyone is draining enough but seriously I really don't want anyone knowing this. On the outside we come across so united and that life is fine.

No point coming across united and that life is fine, when you are feeling the way you are inside, you'll end up making yourself sick with the stress, and that's not good for you, your current two children or the baby you are carrying.

The odd day we are okay and don't have any arguements and I just hope everytime that we have crossed the line and can have a normal life. It's just the whole blame thing, the nastiness towards me that nobody see's, how can I can tell someone that?. My friends would call over to me alot and me to them and really I don't want people judging him either or telling me to do this and that because he will pick up on it.

How can't you tell someone that? And if you feel that you can't because you don't want people judging him, I suspect you'll be very surprised if you do tell one or two of your closest friends, people you are close to pick up on relationship issues as stressful as yours seem to be.

And frankly you not wanting anyone judging him is irrelevant, you are not his mother or his keeper, you are his wife and partner, it's his behaviour which will cause people to judge/form an opinion of him.

Also, he would go mad if he thought I was talking about him to anyone. I did that one before and never again, he even went thru a stage of checking my texts and listening to my phone calls. I had told a friend of mine something before but never again once he realized she knew, he was rude to her when she was in our house and was furious with me for telling someone.
I used to be so confident and fun and over the past few years I have just turned into a person I don't know.

Says it all really to me, he checks your phone, and your texts and is rude to friends he thinks you talk to, and furious with you? You are in a marriage which should be an equal, respectful and loving relationship, not a dictatorship ruled by his wants/needs/opinions or thoughts.

I do stand up to him and I have done it once or twice in a way I am ashamed of which once involved a broken cup and the other slamming doors. I hate when I feel so mad/upset that I lost it like that & then once I do that he calls me a bully.

That's not standing up to him imo, that's losing your temper and it's utterly unproductive, and will get you nowhere.

I wasn't 100% thrilled when I found out I was pregnant again this time, and it was nothing to do with the baby or pregnancy,it was the fact that I don't think my marraige is strong enough for another baby and I don't want to have to rare 3 kids on my own or be in a situation where I would have to share custody and not see them one or two nights a week, it would kill me being away from them for any amount of time, they are my life.

Far better for the children to have parents who are happy and respectful to each other, than parents staying together "for the sake of the kids/outside world/in case people judge them"

Whatever you may feel that no one outside your home knows/is aware of your issues, you can be darned sure your kids are well aware of them, and feeding off that self same tension that you feel.

I don't think he loves me at all if I am honest about it either, he is always looking for way to accuse me of this and that and make everything out to be my fault.

I am just so upset now and feel like total crap, it's like I've had it now and cannot cope anymore without something actually happening to sort out this mess.

Have you tried talking to him? Written him a letter? Could you get a babysitter and arrange a quiet night out where you could discuss things over dinner?

You've got lots of options, be it counselling to see if you can make a go of things again, seperation & mediation etc.

Imo you really need to a. confide in a close friend, and b. talk to your husband for a start. Even before you do that, perhaps sit down and make a list of what is good and what is not in terms of your relationship, but do try to talk to both your husband and one friend at least whom you can trust.

Good luck.

kizzyr · 20-04-2009 6:58pm

carlybabe1 wrote: »

Pack his ****, have it waiting for him when he comes home from work....End of, if you really feel the way you say youd and you really believe that he is treating you so badly then why stay together??????

And dont use the kids as an excuse to stay together, they'll feel the tension and it will affect them negatively
As long as hes working he will have to pay maintenance, and pay a decent sum at that. If he gives you any crap just take him to court, dont argue with him, just do it

Never mind packing his stuff, have a car boot sale when he is out of the house and sell it all.
OP you can't love someone who treats you like that, with so little respect. I really think you sound like a strong strong woman and would be better off on your own with the kids. You don't want them to grow up thinking that that is the way to treat your partner or anyone else.
You say he has been putting you down in front of other people. This won't have gone unnoticed by them and they may be desperate for you to say something to them as they may feel uncomfortable about broaching the subject with you. My sister stayed married to a man with similar problems (both emotional and financial) as your husband and finally told my parents 18 months ago, she had told me about 24 months ago and I tried to help her out and advise her on my own but things got so bad I told her she just had to involve the rest of our family. She did and to be honest it came as no great surprise to any of us. We all rallied around and helped her out as best we could and now she is almost at the final divorce stage, has just put a deposit on a new house of her own and the kids are doing really well.
In summary all I can say is that you deserve better and your kids deserve better, trust in your family to help and support you through this.

nesbitt · 20-04-2009 7:58pm

I could have written your post last year... However I am now happily separated. I am parenting 3 children alone and doing just fine. Friends and family have told me that I am so relaxed and happy now. My closest brother told me last week that I am back to what I used to be before I had all the trouble...

Anyway please have a look at www.cosc.ie government website. Okay it is about domestic abuse but they have a concise and eye opening online questionaire regarding abusive relationships.

I was in an abusive relationship (mental) but not violent and I was going downhill slowly and surely getting my life sucked out of me.

I went from having a senior well paid job to being a down at heel, controlled person, not allowed to socialise and isolated from my family and friends.

I remember well the evening I looked at the questionaire and admitted to myself that enough was really enough.

Chin up and take the necessary steps to get your life back.

Ps. stop hiding your suffering, you are enabling the abuse.

LegacyUser · 20-04-2009 10:14pm

Poor OP!! You sound like you need a huge hug.

Now first thing that sprung to my mind is the list of his bad points, I mean you married the guy was he always like this..

About the debts you share, thats life and this saying is so true.. Once debt comes in the door, loves exits through the window.. These are tough times OP for the children's sake work it out like adults and communicate like adults, throwing things around will only scare your children.

Throw him out if all else fails, or ask him to leave, maybe you need a break from him. Would you consider leaving.

LegacyUser · 20-04-2009 10:15pm

OP i think you deserve more than what your husband is giving you.

You are clearly dissatisfied with your relationship....your husband is doing all of the taking and sooner or later it will have to stop. The way i see it is,you only have one life and no matter how difficult and complicated it would be to fix your relationship its worrth it in the long run.
I cant advise you to reak up with your husband because i dont know the ins and out of your relationship but to be honest you guys are not a happy couple and there could be someone else out there for you that would give you the love and respect that you definetely deserve.
If this is not an option then i would suggest marraige counselliong or "marraige Encounter" which is a weekend away to fix a marraige. I saw my parents go through some very rough phases and counselling really helped them to appreciate eachother and to try and change their bad habits,...which no offence your husband defo has. Good luck, i hope it all works out

21-04-2009 4:22am

Never mind packing his stuff, have a car boot sale when he is out of the house and sell it all.

Pack his ****, have it waiting for him when he comes home from work....

As long as hes working he will have to pay maintenance, and pay a decent sum at that. If he gives you any crap just take him to court, dont argue with him, just do it

It's interesting how so many of the respondents see the house and children as the wife's personal property, which she can take from her husband at any time. And you wonder why so many guys get "commitment-phobic"??

OP even rather creepily comments

I don't want to have to rare 3 kids on my own or be in a situation where I would have to share custody and not see them one or two nights a week, it would kill me being away from them for any amount of time, they are my life.

without noting that maybe he might not appreciate losing them either?

I am aware that he's an abusive and unpleasant man, but an abusive and unpleasant wife could still kick out her husband and keep the children.

LegacyUser · 21-04-2009 7:48am

Hi,

Find it hard to believe that the sheriff was going to go after your parents for a revenue debt. Not possible. You and only you or in your case your husband are liable for your taxes . Nobody else . so this seems to me like a fairy tale.

Secondly, you did not notice that DD's were not going through on your bank account for your mortgage, Yeah and bears don't s**t in the woods.

Start takin some responsibility it takes two to tango.

Wibbs · 21-04-2009 9:07am

Unregistered wrote: »

Find it hard to believe that the sheriff was going to go after your parents for a revenue debt. Not possible. You and only you or in your case your husband are liable for your taxes . Nobody else . so this seems to me like a fairy tale.

That was something I found strange too TBH. Unless the parents went guarantor on bank loans etc then they would be liable, but for a revenue bill?

Secondly, you did not notice that DD's were not going through on your bank account for your mortgage, Yeah and bears don't s**t in the woods.

That can happen. Happened to a friend of mine. A bank screwup and he missed two mortgage payments on the back of it.

Start takin some responsibility it takes two to tango.

This I agree with to some degree. We're only getting one side of the story here. IMHO, no matter what the situation is between two people, no one person is 100% wrong or 100% right. While you may be 80% right, it still leaves 20% where you're wrong. Step back, acknowledge and address that first. If after you do and still there's no movement to the centre on his side, then you can be more proactive about thinking of breaking up and moving on.

Too often the kneejerk reaction comes into play. Many of the replies are good examples of that. That's fine and dandy, but all too often, the same crap has a nasty habit of rearing it's head in a different relationship down the line. You're not children so dialogue is paramount. Throwing his stuff out is what a child would do. Now he may continue to act like a child, even if you don't, but that's still no excuse to match him in that.

Is there any way you could see you and him going to marriage counseling? Failing that, can you get him and you to sit down together and talk? Have you really tried that before or does it kick off in hyped up argument mode on both sides from the get go? If so both will be in defensive mode and no progress will happen. Heels dig in as a natural response to a feeling of blame.

OK if it was me? I would acknowledge to him that I had some part in this too. That I may have said things or done things which hindered rather than helped the situation. As I say, in any relationship, neither party is 100% right, but if both think they are, or at least take that angle with the other, the other person digs the heels in. Admitting that you're not 100% right, gives the other person space to acknowledge that they may be 40% wrong. Think of it as emotional judo. If you bend with the force, it takes the sting out of it. This is difficult for most to do, hence these things go bad rather than get sorted. It's worth trying though.

Try to keep the emotions at a low level. I know that may be difficult considering, but a lot of men will instantly shut down real dialogue if the tears flow or the voice is raised. If he's one of those men, it's not a wrong way to be, it's not a "fault" in his wiring it's just a different way to think and process things. Again acknowledge that and go with it. Don't attack or blame at this stage. Hiding to nothing. Yes you may get short term gratification, but it'll be another nail in the coffin relatinship wise.

Again IMHO, the financial situation is exposing cracks in both your personalities and the marriage itself. It can be a terrible strain on any marriage. In this dialogue that you can hopefully both establish, see is there any way to moderate that financial burden. A way that you can both work at together.

Now I completely understand that even if you are open with him, non confrontational and acknowledging your own failings in this relationship, he may not reciprocate. He may even push you harder. OK in that case after all avenues are exhausted, then I would be thinking of moving on in your life without him as a husband(but not as a father to your children of course).

Even so, if you make this effort, you can at least move forward knowing you tried everything.

My 2 cents and good luck to you both.

mardybum · 21-04-2009 9:07am

Your relationship sounds like a battle rather than partnership. In a battle you can't forgive the hurts the other person gives you, and you can't accept responsiblity for the hurts you've given out. If it continues like this it will collapse in a very distructive way.

I know I wish my own parents had split up when I was a kid. I used to pray for it, wish for it. They did it long after I was grown up and gone, but my brothers and I have had to deal with fall-out of growing up with people who were stuck in a warped semi-love semi-hate relationship, which has made our own relationships difficult. Children re-create their childhoods, it's learned behaviour. You do not want this to happen with your children. You want them to know that they don't have to stay with a man/woman that makes them unhappy. That they can change their lives for the better if the present isn't cutting it.

You are the only person who can decide if things are this bad. Either way, you need to talk to each other and try to resolve your issues. This means admitting when you were wrong, and forgiving the other person. You need to forgive him. If you can't do this without *blaming* each other then see a counsellor. See a counsellor anyway, if you can't ring the samaritans - you need to talk about your problems and if you can't do it with a friend do it this way. That way your kids will learn how to communicate in order to resolve problems. Something that will stand to them in all walks of life.

Whatever you do, you need to do something, because you aren't showing a united family front as you think, - you say you've changed so much that your friends have actually noticed this, despite you not telling them about any problems. They're probably there waiting in wings to help you, but they can't do this until you help yourself and reach out to them.

Good luck.

LegacyUser · 21-04-2009 9:42am

OP here. I haven't taken any "kneejerk" reaction to leave him/throw him out or anything like that at all. It's the last resort, I don't want to break up my family, and I am not selfish in saying that sharing custody of my kids would kill me, it's being honest, it would. I also don't appreciate comments about it's okay for a woman to just do it, do you think women just think we can throw our husbands out, keep the house & kids that easily and do we really want to do that to our children??. I am not like that and not stupid. I also know we are both responsible for the financial crap that happened, and it's unfair for some of you to doubt it, maybe if you went through this you would understand, before any of this happened to me and I am not financially stupid, I would have been stunned. The DD's were not called and our bank said they were activated but not called by the orginator, so we ended up a few months behind but paid it back as well as our own bank backing up that it was not called.
Also, none of our parents were guarentors on any loans, it was money owed to the Revenue and the Sheriff called to our parents houses looking for the money and was adament that if it wasn't paid back the debt would be set against their address. The accountants he had messed him up & I didn't know about it and never did any of his returns etc, eventhough he always sent them the relevent info. Those accountants are no longer in practice by the way!.
We got on a bit better last night, but this happens all the time. We don't fight in front of the kids, it has happened twice and we were so upset about it. The kids are very happy, love their parents and love their home and life and I don't want that upset.

I am not the type to moan or tell people what is going on in my life, just incase things work out. As I said I told a friend once before and regretted it.

I just seem to carry the can for everything that's wrong and end up under severe stress sorting it all out. I also feel totally unappreciated and that he does things just to upset me, again last night there was a wash to go on that he had a problem with not being done. I had to do homework with the kids first and make their tea.
It's just a constant battle and I don't know what is going to happen next and I just want a normal life and for us to behave like a normal couple. I am only 31 and I don't know if I can live the rest of my life like this. I can't sleep properly either and I am so nervous all the time.

mardybum · 21-04-2009 10:02am

Unregistered wrote: »

We got on a bit better last night, but this happens all the time. We don't fight in front of the kids, it has happened twice and we were so upset about it. The kids are very happy, love their parents and love their home and life and I don't want that upset.

I just seem to carry the can for everything that's wrong and end up under severe stress sorting it all out. I also feel totally unappreciated and that he does things just to upset me,

It's just a constant battle and I don't know what is going to happen next and I just want a normal life and for us to behave like a normal couple. I am only 31 and I don't know if I can live the rest of my life like this. I can't sleep properly either and I am so nervous all the time.

You don't have to actually fight in front of the kids... if you feel like you're unappreciated, under severe stress then you ARE. Kids will pick up on that. If you want to behave like a normal couple, it suggests that the abnormalities are too much, especially if you can't sleep due to the pressure.

If you don't try and resolve the issues you have through communication, apart from being miserable most of the time, your kids will learn that men are suppposed to treat women poorly - and that women accept it. And go on and repeat that behaviour.

Wibbs · 21-04-2009 10:08am

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here. I haven't taken any "kneejerk" reaction to leave him/throw him out or anything like that at all. It's the last resort, I don't want to break up my family, and I am not selfish in saying that sharing custody of my kids would kill me, it's being honest, it would.

Fair play. The kneejerk comment of mine anyway was in reference to some of the replies, not on you.

I also don't appreciate comments about it's okay for a woman to just do it, do you think women just think we can throw our husbands out, keep the house & kids that easily and do we really want to do that to our children??. I am not like that and not stupid.

Again good for you. I've known a few men and women that threw inthe towel way too early.

I also know we are both responsible for the financial crap that happened, and it's unfair for some of you to doubt it, maybe if you went through this you would understand, before any of this happened to me and I am not financially stupid, I would have been stunned. The DD's were not called and our bank said they were activated but not called by the orginator, so we ended up a few months behind but paid it back as well as our own bank backing up that it was not called.

Yep as I say that has happened to someone I know. Thinking back it's happened twice to them and they work in a high powered job in banking. So it can happen.

Also, none of our parents were guarentors on any loans, it was money owed to the Revenue and the Sheriff called to our parents houses looking for the money and was adament that if it wasn't paid back the debt would be set against their address.

IMHO if and hopefully it doesn't, happens again, get good legal advice on that because I can't see in what universe your parents are liable in that case. Sounds like utter BS IMHO. Indeed even now I would get good legal advice on that point and report the sheriff.

The accountants he had messed him up & I didn't know about it and never did any of his returns etc, eventhough he always sent them the relevent info. Those accountants are no longer in practice by the way!.

Been there.

We got on a bit better last night, but this happens all the time. We don't fight in front of the kids, it has happened twice and we were so upset about it. The kids are very happy, love their parents and love their home and life and I don't want that upset.

Naturally. Is there any way at a point like that where you could talk. Coming out of better feelings kinda thing?

I am not the type to moan or tell people what is going on in my life, just incase things work out. As I said I told a friend once before and regretted it.

I would be similar TBH. That said I have learned the value of sharing with a true friend. Then again some don't have that option.

I just seem to carry the can for everything that's wrong and end up under severe stress sorting it all out. I also feel totally unappreciated and that he does things just to upset me, again last night there was a wash to go on that he had a problem with not being done. I had to do homework with the kids first and make their tea.

Was he doing anything important at the time? If not, you have to talk about proper division of work around the house. OK if he doesn't want to do the washing, then suggest he do the kids homework. I dunno if that would fly with him though.

It's just a constant battle and I don't know what is going to happen next and I just want a normal life and for us to behave like a normal couple. I am only 31 and I don't know if I can live the rest of my life like this. I can't sleep properly either and I am so nervous all the time.

Can you set apart a time when both of you can sit down with no interruptions to talk about this? As you say, you can't live like this. Hell he can't live like this. Its mad how easy it is to get used to something even when it's crap, just because it feels "easier" to do so.

prinz · 21-04-2009 10:21am

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO if and hopefully it doesn't, happens again, get good legal advice on that because I can't see in what universe your parents are liable in that case. Sounds like utter BS IMHO. Indeed even now I would get good legal advice on that point and report the sheriff

Just on this one, re the Revenue, I know of no circumstances whatsoever that the Revenue would issue a judgement against a third party for a debt owed to them.None.

On the other hand, the Sheriff may actually be referring to his fees, not the monies owed to Revenue. In which case I have no idea what his rights are regarding carrying the debt to him on to someone else. I would be extremely sceptical. Legal advice would be a good route. AFAIK he has no right to do this either, but I may be wrong.

That said, having had business dealings with the Sheriffs of this land as an agent, I know some of them truly do operate as total cowboys tbh, and he could be chancing his arm here in the hope of scaring up some cash.

Sorry for the offtopic nature.Feel free to delete.

LegacyUser · 21-04-2009 11:05am

Well the Sherriff thing is a few years back now it just took so long to pay off, when he arrived at their door he was horrible and insisted that he could take action for the debt against that address. I panicked and paid it back and never sought legal action coz I took what he said as legal and correct.
I didn't think it was something that could be just avoided and walked away from at the time. It still haunts me to this day.
It will never happen again anyway but as I said at the time I thought that he could do what he said so I got the money and sorted it out. The fact that I did it and my husband was so chilled about it and didn't even try to get the money really upset me. Again, I ended up having to deal with it all.

SarahSassy · 21-04-2009 6:55pm

If he has annoyed you so much for such a very long time then why did you tie yourself to him further with child no 3?

21-04-2009 6:59pm

SarahSassy wrote: »

If he has annoyed you so much for such a very long time then why did you tie yourself to him further with child no 3?

She said she wasn't thrilled when she found out she was pregnant, must have been an accident? nothing to pick up on anyway, things are as they are now

LegacyUser · 21-04-2009 7:40pm

Just curious to know , i don't mean any disrespect to you whatsoever but did you actually see warning signs early on in the relationship about your husband's personality .
By the way I wish you the very best .I hope things will turn out excellent for you .

~Trixiebelle~ · 22-04-2009 12:09am

Unregistered wrote: »

Well the Sherriff thing is a few years back now it just took so long to pay off, when he arrived at their door he was horrible and insisted that he could take action for the debt against that address. I panicked and paid it back and never sought legal action coz I took what he said as legal and correct.
I didn't think it was something that could be just avoided and walked away from at the time. It still haunts me to this day.
It will never happen again anyway but as I said at the time I thought that he could do what he said so I got the money and sorted it out. The fact that I did it and my husband was so chilled about it and didn't even try to get the money really upset me. Again, I ended up having to deal with it all.

OK you sound like me!!! my relationship isnt the best and hasnt been for a while but i decided a couple of weeks ago, to just take a step back from the "relationship" and invest more of my energy in myself for my sanity. Dont get me wrong, we still live together and life is normal for our 2 children but i just dont waste my days off work giving out about things. I think you get to the point where you are just emotionally and physically drained and pis**d off. Take a breather.... just a couple of weeks. You can constantly run things over and over in your head but how can you make a descision when you are just worn out??!! Get yourself together, treat yourself, pick your battles and get a deaf ear!!! IT IS NOT PERMENANT!! I cant tell you weather you should stay or go (only you know) but mind and be kind to yourself. After all you are a women and a person before your a wife and a mother but we seem to lose a sense of ourselves and get lost in our families

I had the worst 9 weeks after christmas, fighting over everything. We tried talking but ending argueing then crying (ok me crying...alot!!). I actually felt really depressed:(. It all really got to me. For the last 5 weeks though, i have just put half of the bill money in the joint account, sorted out the girls and just done my own thing. Im feeling so much better, happier and stronger. I know that no one will see value in me if i dont see it in myself. I have given myself until September to get my head together and my fianances. I will re-evaluate things then.

Maybe your hubby is like my boyfriend??? They know we will sort everything out for them so why should they bother?! and when it goes wrong they can blame us!!

Ps... himself is trying alot harder, i went for a walk this evening and he had the girls uniforms ready for the morning and washed my car by the time i got back??? hasnt done that for 3 years!!

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 9:34am

Trixiebell, what you wrote has made alot of sence and maybe I need to follow your example. I don't get any time out for myself at all,half my own fault to though!. I have been feeling very low for a few months now and then just make sure I pick myself up because I have to. I find that really stressful and then I worry about my health for the sake of my family, this stress is not doing me any good. I feel so sick sometimes, cannot sleep and get pains in my chest and I feel like my heart is going to burst.
What I really want is for him to give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay and we will get thru our problems.
We used to be very happy, we have the same sence of humour which brought us together in the first place and we both adore our kids and know how lucky we are to have them. Things started to go downhill very fast though, and then he would go back to his normal self and I thought things would be fine but I just cannot take it anymore. He is either one person or someone else. It's just the total disrespect and talking down to me like I am thick, and doing things to upset me, and it's not getting any better.
On baby no.3, well we are married and we do have our good moments and as a result we have another lovely baby on the way.
I know I do love him and I think that is what hurts me the most and I will do anything to keep my family together. We did nearly split up for good once, but got back together after a few days, we only had our first child then.
I am just so down and sick of it all I don't know where to turn half the time, and that's the problem. I need my assertiveness back.

Oh The Humanity · 22-04-2009 2:59pm

Unregistered wrote: »

The accountants he had messed him up & I didn't know about it and never did any of his returns etc, eventhough he always sent them the relevent info. Those accountants are no longer in practice by the way!.

Listen, how do you know this? Are you just accepting your husbands word for this? Or were you actually privvy to any of the correspondance/meetings between the Accountants and the husband?

Because it smells like a crock of sh1t to me. I'd lay money on this being a lie created by your husband to cover up his own failings. Have you any actaul proof that he sent in the returns?

Unregistered wrote: »

Well the Sherriff thing is a few years back now it just took so long to pay off, when he arrived at their door he was horrible and insisted that he could take action for the debt against that address. I panicked and paid it back and never sought legal action coz I took what he said as legal and correct.

You took what he said as legal and correct? What some bloke that called to the door, did you see any ID, how was the money paid and to whom?

Unregistered wrote: »

I didn't think it was something that could be just avoided and walked away from at the time. It still haunts me to this day.

Im not suprised, it all sounds a bit iffy to me.....are you sure they weren't loan sharks or something???

Unregistered wrote: »

It will never happen again anyway but as I said at the time I thought that he could do what he said so I got the money and sorted it out. The fact that I did it and my husband was so chilled about it and didn't even try to get the money really upset me. Again, I ended up having to deal with it all.

Right, so read that again, he was so chilled....why?
There is something well dodgy about this. You reacted emotionally to an apparent financial demand without realy looking into it...Again are you sure it was the Sherriff?

Your husband is dodgy as fook. He is keeping you very busy and stressed for a reason. So you dont have time or mental energy to figure him out I'd wager. He has you all distracted trying to defend yourself for not doing a wash.......come on.....that wash doesn't matter, he has you sweating the small stuff so you cant see he is ripping you off emtionally and mentally certainly, financially quite likely.

It would not suprise me one jot if he was hiding a gambling problem or the like.

The fact that you are playing the Stepford wife in front of your friends and family is just so handy for him as well. He can carry on manipulating and abusing you without anyone knowing.

You are really being your own worst enemy here. I get that you dont want to let people in on what is really going on in case it works out but the result is that you are self sabotaging your own mental and emotional health.

This man is a parasite and a waster. He is a passenger on you.

Either you are going to have a nervous breakdown or else you are going to start to wise up and see the whole picture instead of just the washing basket and surviving every day till bedtime.

You have got to start asking questions. Got to stop handing him all your power. Begin the process of taking control back. Let him kick and scream like a 2 year old all he likes, there is nothing he can do.

The only card he holds at the moment is that you have not seen through him. Yet.

~Trixiebelle~ · 22-04-2009 10:27pm

I think the above post was abit harsh.... Just because the couple are having a tough time at the moment doesnt mean she is a victim of a corrupt/abusing man??!! An un-appreciative prat, YES, absolutely!;)

The OP is not stupid!! I think posts like the above, is exactly the reason why she did not speak to "friends" about it...over-reaction humanity, in my opinion!!! People are very quick to judge, EVERYBODY gets totally pis*ed off with there other halfs at some stage!! This is theres... It is just one tiny part of there lives together (the bad part!!)...

I dont want to be bad to you OP, i only say this to you because i am guilty of it myself!! Stop looking to your partner for your value.... he can't and won't give it to you! Even if he had the best intentions in the world, he cant give you what you need. I know i had certain expectations of my other half, that he just couldnt fulfil (ie support me when im having a tough time in work). To be honest, i do play the martyr when he doesnt fulfil his duty as the "perfect loving partner that he should be!!"... Your husband should enhance your life not be all your life.. Your pregnant, congratulations!! You sound like a lovely person and a great mom... get your confidence back and work on yourself. Then when you know yourself and are happy in your own skin, you may decide that you dont need him and he doesnt actually contribute anything to your new contented life....

Just know that you are a strong woman and deserve to be happy!!!:)
Enjoy your pregnancy and tell him your on strike!!!;)

~Trixiebelle~ · 22-04-2009 10:42pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Trixiebell, what you wrote has made alot of sence and maybe I need to follow your example. I don't get any time out for myself at all,half my own fault to though!. I have been feeling very low for a few months now and then just make sure I pick myself up because I have to. I find that really stressful and then I worry about my health for the sake of my family, this stress is not doing me any good. I feel so sick sometimes, cannot sleep and get pains in my chest and I feel like my heart is going to burst.
What I really want is for him to give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay and we will get thru our problems.
We used to be very happy, we have the same sence of humour which brought us together in the first place and we both adore our kids and know how lucky we are to have them. Things started to go downhill very fast though, and then he would go back to his normal self and I thought things would be fine but I just cannot take it anymore. He is either one person or someone else. It's just the total disrespect and talking down to me like I am thick, and doing things to upset me, and it's not getting any better.
On baby no.3, well we are married and we do have our good moments and as a result we have another lovely baby on the way.
I know I do love him and I think that is what hurts me the most and I will do anything to keep my family together. We did nearly split up for good once, but got back together after a few days, we only had our first child then.
I am just so down and sick of it all I don't know where to turn half the time, and that's the problem. I need my assertiveness back.

I understand ALL of this!! I have experienced all of it!! One thing i always say about himself is fantastic Father.. but ****e boyfriend. When we were going through some tough issues, i just wanted abit of reassurance and love and he just wanted to say "i told you so!" (tool, talk about putting the boot in!!).... I do and always will love him but is he any good for me??

. I dont know if i even want to be with him anymore but i want to be in my own little happy place in my mind before i decide and tbh, let the fooker see what he will be missing.. coz it will be his loss!:D

LegacyUser · 23-04-2009 10:00am

Trixiebell is right about why I won't tell anyone about this, people are too quick to judge and tell me what to do and for my close friends and family to know all this would kill me. Last night was another crock of s**te with him, being so arrogant and throwing his weight about. I have had enough and when I see him coming home every evening after me I cringe because I know withing 10 mins of his arrival there will be a row or he will do something to wind me up. I am so tired physically and emotionally with it all plus my work is suffering coz I cannot concentrate properly in work, way behind in certain aspects that I need to get covered before the end of next week. I am normally on the pulse in work.
Thing is though, he won't leave, he would prefer to stay in the house and mentally torture me for the rest of my life. He has said it to me enough times that I will never get him out of the house. I have never said it to him though.
I never had any dealings with his accoutants and that sherriff was legit and who he said he was, so it wasn't some chancer calling for money.
Living with someone that speaks to you like you are a nothing is horrible though.

Mr Benevolent · 23-04-2009 11:43am

Also, he would go mad if he thought I was talking about him to anyone. I did that one before and never again, he even went thru a stage of checking my texts and listening to my phone calls

Get out of that relationship. Please. Before you start getting more stressed. I've seen it happen, my dad was like that (he had a psychosis) but my mum never walked out, saying that it was important to stick together because it might affect my bro and I. Almost 30 years later she's no a well woman, no self confidence, very few friends and is on disability.

Get out now. Do it. He'll only get worse, and worse and worse and worse and worse and...

Oh The Humanity · 23-04-2009 12:44pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Trixiebell is right about why I won't tell anyone about this, people are too quick to judge and tell me what to do and for my close friends and family to know all this would kill me.

So would you rather suffer on and on, being the plaything of this fool who talks to you and treats you like dirt, than to be 'judged' by friends and family who love you.

What are you scared of...? Is it that the friends and family might say "you made a mistake marrying him"
well, yes maybe you did, but its not a huge mistake. He wasn't like this when you married him Im sure.

How were you to know he would turn out to be a bully? You shouldn't have to suffer for the rest of your life for that. The punishment does not fit the crime.

As for being afraid of being judged, HE is judging you every day. And not in a good way.

You say it would kill you to share but it wouldn't -what you mean is it would be uncomfortable and embarassing and you cant guarantee you wouldn't spill your guts but then do a U Turn later. So it wont kill you but you would have to swallow your pride. Pride can be a costly thing.

Another thing, perhaps your friends and family can already see through the cracks and aren't as oblivious to the problems as you imagine.

Unregistered wrote: »

Last night was another crock of s**te with him, being so arrogant and throwing his weight about. I have had enough and when I see him coming home every evening after me I cringe because I know withing 10 mins of his arrival there will be a row or he will do something to wind me up. I am so tired physically and emotionally with it all plus my work is suffering coz I cannot concentrate properly in work, way behind in certain aspects that I need to get covered before the end of next week. I am normally on the pulse in work.

So can you go on for another 50 years of this, if you are tired now, how are you going to feel in 20, 30, 40 years?

Unregistered wrote: »

Thing is though, he won't leave, he would prefer to stay in the house and mentally torture me for the rest of my life.

Of course because he is a parasite. He is feeding off you. He enjoys negative attention. Your suffering is his food.

Unregistered wrote: »

He has said it to me enough times that I will never get him out of the house. I have never said it to him though.

Its the judge who decides all that not him.

Unregistered wrote: »

I never had any dealings with his accoutants

So, you only have his word that he filed his returns at all. I dont believe he did. Do you?

Unregistered wrote: »

and that sherriff was legit and who he said he was, so it wasn't some chancer calling for money.

If it wasn't your debt you should not have given him the money. You should have let your husband deal with his own mess. He is a parasite.

Unregistered wrote: »

Living with someone that speaks to you like you are a nothing is horrible though.

It doesn't have to be like that, you can get away from him.

~Trixiebelle~ · 23-04-2009 11:20pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Trixiebell is right about why I won't tell anyone about this, people are too quick to judge and tell me what to do and for my close friends and family to know all this would kill me. Last night was another crock of s**te with him, being so arrogant and throwing his weight about. I have had enough and when I see him coming home every evening after me I cringe because I know withing 10 mins of his arrival there will be a row or he will do something to wind me up. I am so tired physically and emotionally with it all plus my work is suffering coz I cannot concentrate properly in work, way behind in certain aspects that I need to get covered before the end of next week. I am normally on the pulse in work.
Thing is though, he won't leave, he would prefer to stay in the house and mentally torture me for the rest of my life. He has said it to me enough times that I will never get him out of the house. I have never said it to him though.
I never had any dealings with his accoutants and that sherriff was legit and who he said he was, so it wasn't some chancer calling for money.
Living with someone that speaks to you like you are a nothing is horrible though.

In regards to your marriage i cant/wont tell you what to do.... you have to decide that yourself but what you must do, is pick yourself up from this! My heart really does go out to you:(... I remember feeling as bad as this when i was pregnant. I was suffering from depression, it got really bad.

Your hubby is really acting like a prick that does concern me, but what concerns me more, is how stressed, unhappy and well you just seem raw (if you know what i mean?!). We cannot change other peoples actions towards us or some situations we find ourselves in but your going to have to think about how the hell you got to this place and how your going to get out. You need to bounce back. How can you even think straight or make any decisions when your so low?! He is not going to make it better for you, stop waiting for him too. Your letting one pathetic excuse for a man drive you to this place??..DONT LET ANYONE DRAG YOU DOWN!!

Look if hubby wants to come home to be an absolute dickhead.... Are you always going to let it effect you so badly?? When did you become the person that takes this kind of sh*te coz i dont believe for a minute that your that type. This sad, upset and lonely person isnt the real you. You dont want to be this way... so don't.... its that simple.... raise your standards and know YOURSELF, that you deserve better than this. He needs to know that his treatment towards you is a deal breaker for you. It doesnt come from words, it comes from your actions and reactions to how he treats you. Hold your head up high... you will get there.:)

Heineken Helen · 24-04-2009 9:54am

Ok, you're very very stuck. It's a horrible situation and a little chat is NOT gonna sort it out. I'm very uncomfortable with you allowing him to walk over you re. the washing and things like that. If a man ever treated me like that, he'd be doing the washing for the next year. You need to take some power back and stop letting him have it all... AND you NEED to arrange counselling for either you or both of you now. Even call the samaritans.

blixie · 25-08-2013 5:29pm

I'm very sorry you are going through this . Maybe you feel nothing can change right now and talking here helps you get by. Maybe you don't simply want him to stop doing the bad stuff. Maybe you want him to be tender and caring. Maybe you want the two of you to be a real couple--as in "on the same side" emotionally even when you have different views of whatever. If you long for that state, it must seem so distant and unlikely. Which is a drag too. If you could erase the negatives you would not necessarily have these positives, I guess. Good vibes between you and your man..... You can solve problems a million different ways when you have those good vibes. I think you need to off-load here until you discover what to do, and I wish you a revelation asap. I feel for you.

dudara · 25-08-2013 5:31pm

blixie Please don't drag back up old threads.

dudara

Husband really causing me terrible stress & so unhappy

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