Hate my body/myself

LegacyUser

It was my 24th birthday last week and it suddenly dawned on me that I have wasted the last few years, pretty much since I started college, hating myself.

I have no legitimate reason for feeling this way, but basically a few smalls things I've been through over the last while have knocked my confidence for six and I am really, really unhappy in myself.

I've been through an eating disorder and although it was short lived, I don't think I've ever learned to handle and be OK with the regained weight. I live my life waiting for the time when I find the will power to lose the weight again and I feel 'invisible' in most social situations compared to the overwhelming attention I got when I was thinner.

That in itself is a whole new problem. I rely on others to validate me and most of the time don't know what I want. When I do know what I want, I never have the confidence to go after it.

I am in a good job, crap pay but invaluable career-wise and a lot of people would kill to be where I am. It's the bottom rung of the ladder, so to speak, and should be the first step in what could be a great career, but I don't even feel like I have the confidence to progress like everyone else seems to. It's not for lack of intelligence or talent, I do believe I have as much as and maybe more than some of my work mates, but it's like I know that logically but don't believe it in my heart.

I feel like I have trained myself to be a wallflower and don't think I deserve any attention or recognition.

Sorry for this incredibly self indulgent post. I guess I'm just at a loss as to how to recover from this and find the person I know I can be. I'm tired of trying to change and getting nowhere.

Nickibaby*

Sorry to hear about your situation OP.

Would you perhaps see your GP and explain how you are feeling. The GP could put you in touch with a Counsellor which may help any underlying issues that are there. You have said yourself you havn't totally come to terms with your past eating disorder.

Everyone can feel down now and they put if it has gone on for a number of years you really should investiage it further. Sorry I can't be more helpful. I hope that you get it sorted and flourish if your career. I think you 'know' that you are a great person you just need to 'feel' it and stop hating yourself.

eddie.fandango

Nickibaby* wrote: »

Sorry to hear about your situation OP.

Would you perhaps see your GP and explain how you are feeling. The GP could put you in touch with a Counsellor which may help any underlying issues that are there. You have said yourself you havn't totally come to terms with your past eating disorder.

Everyone can feel down now and they put if it has gone on for a number of years you really should investiage it further. Sorry I can't be more helpful. I hope that you get it sorted and flourish if your career. I think you 'know' that you are a great person you just need to 'feel' it and stop hating yourself.

+1

There really isn't need for any more discussion, take Nickis advice, you won't go wrong

Fantasia

Hi there!

Reading your post really struck a chord with me as I am a similiar age as you, and I too have been through an eating disorder and have struggled with self-hatred and low self esteem. My eating disorder was also quite short lived and, like you, I don't yet have the will-power to lose weight. However, I am now happier with the way I look than when I was thinner because my attitude towards weight and body image has changed. I no longer feel like I have to be skinny to be happy and for people to like me. And I still get the same amount of attention as I did when I was thinner!

I wonder, if perhaps it is your negative self image rather than the way you look which may be a factor in you getting less attention, or maybe you don't notice the attention you get because you don't believe anyone could be attracted to you? It is amazing - the amount of attention I get usually correlates with the way I'm feeling about myself in a particular situation - if I feel good about myself, I get attention. If I'm not feeling good about myself, I don't - which sends me into an even deeper self hatred on that particular night. It's a vicous circle.

I can completely relate to you saying that you rely on others to validate you. I'm the same, but I think it's really important to have at least some of that validation come from yourself. Just look in the mirror and tell yourself your beautiful. Believe it. Acknowledge your competence and intelligence - you have just as much, if not more chance than anyone else of being where you want to be career wise. I know what it's like to lose all motivation to be successful. I found myself neglecting my college work, knowing I could do so much better but not having the motivation to really work hard. I just didn't see the point for a while. But when I forced myself to work as hard as I could for my final exams and ended up with the results I hoped for, it really increased my confidence and my motivation began to return. Even if you set yourself small goals in work - each minor achievement will increase your confidence, motivation and will be a positive step in the right direction.

Another thing you said which I could completely relate to is that you really want to be the person you know you are, your true self. That is something that I have struggled with too - authenticity. I hide alot of myself sometimes in fear of people judging the real me instead of the mask I put on. I don't know if you agree, but I'm also a bit of a people pleaser. It all stems from wanting people to like you, to validate you. But what's the point when it's not the real you that they like? I'm trying now to be more of myself around everyone - and to not be afraid to say what I really think or feel without worrying about what others are thinking. The important thing is to like yourself. And spend as much time around people you feel comfortable being your real self around - for me that's only 2 or 3 people. But knowing that they are enjoying the company of the real you should help you to be yourself in more situations.

I am not fully recovered - my eating may be back to normal but the feelings associated with this problem are often still there, often still overwhelming. Sometimes I feel really low and feel like I'm back in the depths of the eating disorder again. But this happens less often now. The road to recovery is not smooth - there will be ups and downs and you will still have setbacks. You mentioned that there have been a number of incidents which have knocked your confidence. That must be difficult. I know sometimes, even a throwaway comment by someone can really hurt you and set you back. We're just really sensitive. And I also find I concentrate on the negative things rather than the positives - I suppose that's partly human nature. But maybe try to concentrate on positive things that have happened to you recently. You overcame your eating problems so that is something to be so proud of.

I hope this helped. I just wanted to let you know that you really aren't alone in feeling like this. I have never been able to talk to someone who shared these feelings and it is a bit of a comfort to know that others are going through something similiar. So pm me if you want to chat. Best of luck with everything:) x

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for the responses.

Fantasia, your post made a lot of sense to me and there's a lot there that I can identify with. It is a comfort to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

I'm a total people pleaser and to be honest, a big issue I struggled with when I was dealing with my food problems was the fact that I was 'displeasing' so many people with my behaviour.

Not just worrying family etc, but female friends who would otherwise be lovely people initially felt threatened by my new slim figure and I felt every inch of that hostility. This is just an example. The idea that people might not always like me or take well to my actions/opinions or isolate me because of them is sort of scary to me and it p****s me off that I feel this way, at the age of 24.

I guess last week I sort of got a wakeup call to the fact that I'm not a kid anymore and can't keep talking/thinking about the future like it's a far off event. I've done that for so long and bandied about the good old 'potential', word... how I'm full of it and will succeed and be happy when I finally get around to fulfilling it.

I'm scared now that the years will pass and nothing will change and I'll have achieved nothing because I didn't have the confidence to change things for myself.

I definitely have a lot of issues surrounding the ED and what scares me is when I hit a low, all those old terrible thoughts and feelings come back, albeit without the destructive behaviours that went with them. I did see a psychotherapist for a while a few years ago which definitely helped...I'm just not in a financial position to go back to her and feel like asking my parents is a massive burden - not the money part but the worry part. I've put them through the mill with it already.

Plus there's this bottomless pit of issues and emotions and fears that I know I will have to deal with and that's a lot of tissues...!! Oh well. I guess I don't have any other choice at the moment.

Thanks again for the advice.

LegacyUser

Self-hatred is a bitch because it can be very automatic and unrelenting.

I don't think it matters whether or not you have a legitimate reason for feeling as do you, but simply recognising how worn down you are is perhaps a start. You said you rely on others to validate you, is there any way you can take their sentiments and make them your own or put your own slant on things so that the reliance perhaps slips away and you feel more grounded in yourself? I know it's probably far easier said than done. That bottomless pit must be a scary realisation. What might be supportive for you at the moment?