Made my daughter cry tonight

LegacyUser

I am a single parent and have been raising my daughter alone since my wife died a few years back. My daughter is 13. I have had a few relationships but my daughter didn't like my partners so I have pretty much stopped seeing women altogether. It's not a problem, my daughter comes first always.

I've done a pretty good job so far and as any parent will tell you, she is the most important thing in my life. She was doing OK in school but recently she got suspended for fighting with another girl. that has been sorted and apparently it was a silly schoolgirl thing with both of them slagging the other which escalated to a physical confrontation. They are back being friends now and she brings that friend over to the house occasionally. but that was the first real time that shes been in trouble in school and raised my alarm bells.

Shes been hanging out with a different crowd lately and staying out a bit later than usual. I don't know what shes getting up to when shes out. I told her to be home at 9.30 tonight but she came in at 11.30, her phone was turned off when I tried to ring her. I was sick with worry and spend that two hours ringing her and her friends constantly. No answer. I drove around the estate looking for her with no luck.

She strolled in at 11.30 and I sat her down in the kitchen. I told her I wasn't going to give out to her anymore as there is no point but I would just tell her how I was feeling when she was out and i couldn't contact her. I told her that and I told her my concerns. I told her how the world can be a dangerous place and told her the storys of people being abducted (Sarah Payne, Holly wells and jessica chapman etc). She was listening attentively and I could see it was sinking in a bit. I told her how important she was to me (sounds so cheesy now writing it out) and I told her that if anything like that ever happened to her I would jump in front of the first train I could asap because i would have to protect her if she died or anything bad happened so she shouldn't be so selfish and should consider me because it's not just her life shes playing with. I said this in a very blaise fashion and as soon as I said it she teared up and started crying. I hugged her but the tears kept coming and she got more and more upset. I think I might have hit a nerve with her mother or frightened her a bit. I comforted her and told her everything would be alright and it doesn't matter but she went very quiet. She said she was really sorry and she would change and then went to her room, and she is now asleep.

This has hit me hard to see her so upset like that. I don't even know why she was crying like that. Any ideas? Did I do the right thing? I really wish her mother was around!! I think there is a chance that she realized how much I love her in that moment and the emotion overwhelmed her? isn't it strange for a 13 year old to cry like that though? shes not usually a big crier.

Anyway, this was more of a theraputic thing for me to write out for myself. I actually feel slightly better. Thanks for reading

Nevyn

I don't think it's strange and tbh better her feeling bad and crying in the kitchen then knocked up or passed out in a field.

Welcome to the wonders of emotional blackmailing your child, it can do wonders esp when they are a teenager. Personally I would be more worried if you could not reach her like that.

Broad

Thaedydal wrote: »

Welcome to the wonders of emotional blackmailing your child

I don't think it is fair to call that man an emotional blackmailer. He just explained to his daughter how he felt and how worried he was, and used examples that he thought she might understand. Thaedydal is right though, it is good that you can get through to her. Even though talk of "the wrong crowd" sounds really unpolitically correct most of us with kids (I have three teenagers) breathe an enormous sigh of relief when their friends seem trouble-free.

I have made two of my three cry just by talking to them when they had behaved badly (and it wasn't emotional blackmail!) Funnily enough in retrospect I think that one of them was glad that they had been taken on, she was out of control with a situation and I told her to use me as a way out if she needed, that I was really strict and had forbidden her to see them.

I am lucky and have a partner to help. Good luck to you both.

pikachucheeks

I think you definitely did the right thing - because now, she's aware of your feelings and she's more likely to change her behavior.

My parents gave out to me recently for going back to a house party after a night out ... no coverage so I couldn't call them/they couldn't reach me ...

I cried because I found out my dad had been up all night, driving around, searching in A&E for me.

I think parents need to make their feelings known sometimes, because it makes you realise WHY they're acting the way they are or why they're unhappy about a certain situation.

And also, it gives their children a wake-up call and gives them reason to be considerate.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Don't tell her you'd jump in front of a train if something happened to her. You're her father and have an influence on her. That's insane, now if something horrible happens to her she might think suicide is an acceptable form of behaviour.

Otherwise what you did was logical but jesus, don't say you'd kill yourself over anything to your teenage daughter

TelePaul

Sounds like you're playing a blinder IMO. If she comes downstairs tomorrow with a different point of view, it'll be worth a few tears. Teenagers and tears - synonomous with each other think!

Overheal

I think you got through to her. Well done. Emotional blackmail? No. Emotional blackmail is what my mother does when she doesnt want my sister to go live with my dad... Worrying about your daughter's life and safety, is not. One is done for your own personal agenda, and the other is done for their safety. Again, you did the right thing. Make sure she knows that no matter how much trouble she ever finds herself in (drugs, babies, crimes, whatever), home will always be a safe place and you'll always be there to look after her.

LegacyUser

Don't forget as well that teenage girls, once set off, can cry for no reason (even they don't know why) because their hormones are going mental. She's at a tough age for girls and a tricky age for anyone, bear that in mind. She's just getting her footing socially and in school. Just try to empathise but also keep her best interests to the fore at all times - which seems to be exactly what you did

smellslikeshoes

Good on you, if more parents did this Ireland wouldn't have a lot of the problems it faces today.
I'm sure it was a tough thing to do but the worthwhile things always are.

orestes

"I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed" ftw

~Trixiebelle~

Its sounds to me like you done exactly the right thing. She as at a difficult stage in her life where she may not see the value in herself and you as her father told her how much she really means to you.... Thats a good thing!!:) Keep the lines of communcation open with her and spend time with her when you can, bring her to the cinema and a pizza once a month and let her invite friends over to watch dvds and hang out in her room. Hopefully that will keep you more in touch with who she is mixing with.

I was a nightmare as a teenager. I didnt ever do drugs (i watched the late late show one night and there was a girl that died from taking E for the 1st time:(, it scared me so much i was never tempted but i done silly (alot of insane) things. I never thought anything bad would ever happen to me or those around me but then it did.... when i went home my parents told me exactly what you told your daughter. It hit me hard and like your daughter, i cried my heart out but sometimes when kids have experienced death they can really understand the concept of mortality of herself and those around her, pointing things out maybe upsetting but nescessary. Its a nerve you had to strike to make her understand her safety and how much you love her.


15 years later and im a mother now myself and i cant imagine the worry my parents went through. Your right to speak frankly and honestly. Hopefully she will have learned.

Good Luck!!:)

Africa

Ya did what was needed. She is only 13 after all...

John Mason

I think you did the right thing IMO

but as for the crying get used to it for the next 3 years at least and the "i hate you's " and door slamming etc.

Is she close to any female family member or close family friends becuase, she is growing up and might not be comfortable talking to you about the changes happening to her with you ?

LegacyUser

Hey I'm a 28 year old girl with 3 younger sisters. We're pretty close in age and I've been a teenage girl and watched my 3 sisters be teenagers for the last 13 years of my life. The youngest is 16 and still prone to bouts of " you're ruining my life" with my parents!(which they don't take a lot of notice of at this stage).To give my parents credit they've done a great job, although we mightn't have thought that at the time!
You did the right thing. You're teaching your daughter to be a bit more adult and think about other people besides herself. It wasn't emotional blackmail. It was just the facts. And fair play to you for saying it out like that. Keep the lines of communication open, set a few boundaries like that and keep telling hers she's the most important thing to you. I'm warning you now there are going to be a lot more tears and slamming doors and arguments. You will be told that you're not fair, that everyone else gets to do things she doesn't and that you're ruining her life (and possibly that she never wants to see you again if things are really bad!!). Those things are all said in the heat of the moment. Give it time, go back and explain yourself to her. And do your best not to get into long arguments with her. I'm not saying be a dictator, but let her understand that some things you will just not tolerate no matter how many tantrums she throws. Teenage girls cry a lot....sometimes they'd prefer you didn't see it!...but it's okay, it's just one of those things!
Best of luck. You sound like a great guy, and she'll turn out fine if you keep going, no matter how hard it's going to be. It'll be worth it as she grows older and becomes your daughter and your friend.

finbarrk

I think you did a great job also, but as others have said you had better get used to more tantrums and tears for a few years.

Wibbs

Sounds spot on to me. The only issue I would have is you giving up relationships for her. I can understand considering the situation but IMHO that's not healthy for you or indeed her.

Das Kitty

Yep OP you did exactly the right thing.

I would be wary of you giving up meeting women because she doesn't like them (of course she won't!). Having a lonely Daddy isn't good either, in 5 years she'll be out the door to college. I'm not saying you should go and actively seek out a relationship but don't dismiss one that may come your way straight out. In my experience happy parent(s) == happy children.

Lobelia Overhill

You totally did the right thing in explaining that you were worried - not sure about the jumping in front of a train tho' but kids don't think why you're trying to contact them, asking them to be home by X o'clock, the assume you're a miserable old git who'd trying to ruin their life. Explaining your worries is a much better idea than the old fashioned "because I said so" and sending them to their room when they finally do drag themselves home.

Also at her age she's going through that "difficult" phase where the hormones etc start kicking in and there's no point getting angry, you need to keep your cool and explain things out to her.

Best of luck to ye's!

Keyzer

Thaedydal wrote: »

Welcome to the wonders of emotional blackmailing your child...

What a ridiculously immature and insensitive comment to make !!!

OP - I think you were dead right in the way you approached the matter.
Sounds to me like she was bottling up her feelings and you speaking to her in a candid fashion made her realise that she was being selfish - then everything flooded out.

I commend you for speaking to her in this way as opposed to roaring and shouting at her - you obviously value your relationship with your daughter very highly.

CDfm

Great job.

I have a 15 yo daughter who got followed on Saturday night. Divorced from her Mum and all that.Her Mum is not consistant on curfews.I always tell her to text or call me and I will collect her but this time she didnt.

Thing is she was lucky this time but very scared.

13 is a hard age for girls and their Dads.

NextSteps

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Don't tell her you'd jump in front of a train if something happened to her. You're her father and have an influence on her. That's insane, now if something horrible happens to her she might think suicide is an acceptable form of behaviour.

Otherwise what you did was logical but jesus, don't say you'd kill yourself over anything to your teenage daughter

I agree completely. That's putting responsibility for your life on her shoulders - not fair.

CDfm

UB wrote: »

I agree completely. That's putting responsibility for your life on her shoulders - not fair.

At least he was there and not in the pub.

Horse_box

It is perfectly normal for early teens to just start crying randomly, their hormones are all over the place and once they start they can keep going for hours

Sounds like you dealt with the whole situation well

idontknowmyname

No you talked to her about it the right way. You needed to nip this in the bud now and it sounds like you have, if not she could become a nightmare teenager and by 16 she would have become out of control. Hopefully she'll settle down now.

SarahSassy

OP, you did the right thing because you explained the possible consequences of her actions.

To you personally, I would suggest that even 9.30 is too late to be out at 13... I would set an earlier curfew and if she breaks it again then her phone gets taken off her e.g. evey 15 minutes she is late the phone is gone for one day. Kids love their phones and this would be one potential 'punishment' method...

Not being harsh but the reason she is hanging round with this other crowd is cos you are letting her. You are the adult not she and you get to call the shots. Dont wait til its too late - he drinking, smoking etc to lay down the law. Set an earlier curfew and encourage her bringing friends home rather than meeting them and rambling round the estate.

Ericka

I can't describe what I felt reading your post. Firstly I'd like to start with you. You have to give yourself some credit for what you have done for her since her Mum died. It is no easy task.

Secondly, I feel that you did absolutely nothing wrong in saying what you did. At the age of 13, this is where things may get a bit tough. As a father, you may not always going on in your daughters mind, regardless of how close you are to her. She has now changed friends, which often signifies a change in direction and growing up. It can be very tough, but it is important that you try to stay close to her. Make Dad and daughter days, where you go see the latest film she'd like to see etc.

With regards to what you actually said to her, it did hit a nerve with her. But that is not nessesarily a bad thing. You made her realise how important she is to you, how worried you were. She has already lost her Mum, and the penny dropped when you said you wouldn't be able to cope without her.

Tell her she can always talk to you about anything, no matter what, and you need her. You are doing a great job Single Dad.

Appleguy

Keep her in tonight, go rent Taken from the video shop and sit down and watch it with her.

She will get the message after watching it. I.e bad things can happen when you keep things from your parents

Ericka

Appleguy wrote: »

Keep her in tonight, go rent Taken from the video shop and sit down and watch it with her.

She will get the message after watching it. I.e bad things can happen when you keep things from your parents

That is bit extreme, don't you think?

KStaford

One can't help but wonder if she reads boards.ie ? (a lot of 13 year olds do)

Kirnsy

KStaford wrote: »

One can't help but wonder if she reads boards.ie ? (a lot of 13 year olds do)

if she does she will just understand even more that

1) she should always keep in touch with her dad for his peace of mind.

2)quite how much her father clearly cares for her.

i think it'd benefit her.

aare

You did GOOD...

She is a VERY lucky girl to have a Dad like you.

I envy her...and feel free to tell her I said so.

LegacyUser

Am I the only one wondering why she's been allowed to stay out till 9.30? it seems a bit late for a 13year old...or was she at a friends house?
and prepare, it will get worse when she's around 16,17