Drunken fights are ruining us.

LegacyUser

Myself and my girlfriend get on like a house on fire 99% of the time. We have a similar sense of humor, are both attracted to each other strongly etc, yes we have our fights but they're never too bad and we resolve them at the time. Everything's great, except when we go out in a group drinking together (ironically this doesn't happen when we go out for a quiet few and it's just the 2 of us) we always seem to end up having stupid fights that escalate because neither of us handle the situation well at all. This came to a head last night when we had another stupid one (it really was over something incredibly trivial) but it escalated to the point where we both said awful things to each other and came incredibly close to breaking up.

My solution to a drunken fight is to ignore her and be visibly pissed off with her while she starts to drink more and just ignores my behavior and it eventually comes to a head at some stage or another. I think subconsciously I'm being immature and hoping that she will grovel to try and make up to me and her not doing so seems to get me more annoyed. Immature I know, but I'm trying to be honest. Also, it tends to be me getting annoyed at her over trivial things when we go out, ie I'm usually the antagonist.

I think part of my problem at least comes from the fact that I seem to get jealous and suspicious of her when I get drunk. I trust her and I don't feel these feelings if I'm sober (and I have gone out on nights with her where she drank and I didn't and I didn't get like that at all). It has been said of me by my male mates that on occasions I can tturn into a bit of a prick when I get drunk.

I also think part of my problem is I look at her bebo and her Facebook a lot, and she does have a lot of male friends as well as photos of her from before we got together(if you know what I mean?), so maybe that's subconsciously fueling my behavior in some way?

I feel like I need to make some changes to myself and I suppose I'm looking for a few opinions as to how. I'm conscious I have a problem and I'm trying to address it so please don't leave me any pointless replies like "you need help" or anything stupid like that.

I know I should stop looking at her bebo and Facebook all the time for starters.

I also need to somehow find a way to stop myself from acting the way I do when I drink. It could well be fueled by things I do when sober but regardless, I need to put a lid on it now before it tears us apart.

Thanks.

Beruthiel

Don't you two have enough cop on to know you shouldn't be drinking if this is the type of behaviour it brings on?
Seriously. It's not rocket science. Stop drinking.

CDfm

You are also too immature by half -why does she put up pictures of guys on her facebook bebo when it winds you up.

So you get jealous -what does she expect.

sam34

CDfm wrote: »

-why does she put up pictures of guys on her facebook bebo when it winds you up.

So you get jealous -what does she expect.

i dont think form reading the op that shes still putting up new ones, its the existing ones that are there from before his time that hes jealous over.

imo, she shouldnt take them down. everyone has a past, she shouldnt have to erase that part of her life because he cant handle his drink.

OP- you and she seriously need to stop drinking. End of story.

mardybum

Goin easy on the drink should definitely be your priority.

But you should also talk to your girlfriend about how you feel. Even print out your post and show it to her. If you're acting this way when you're drunk it means there are underlying issues going on that are unresolved.

Even acknowledgeing each others insecurities and problems can go a long way.

greatandgood

In vino veritas.

Yes you probably should both cut back on your drinking (you can enjoy it without getting to the point of lack of control every time you go out you know). But it sounds to me like you've both got issues with each other, insecurity is ringing major bells for me on your part, from previous experience.

I'd say you both have a bit of growing up to do and this relationship isn't going to pan out in the long run. This sort of behaviour on both your parts is very destructive to the relationship and it can't go in on indefinitely. You're obviously unhappy with each other on some level and you would both be better off being honest about it now rather than dragging it out.

You need time on your own to deal with your issues (insecurity as previously mentioned, jealousy, lack of self-esteem - I know I've only got one post to go on but these are really jumping out at me).

Sorry to be a downer on this but it seems very clear to me that this relationship is unhealthy (as well as your drinking).

CDfm

sam34 wrote: »

OP- you and she seriously need to stop drinking. End of story.

OP you have gone all quite at this suggestion.

What do you think?

GF or drink which would you choose?

barleybooley

CDfm wrote: »

OP you have gone all quite at this suggestion.

What do you think?

GF or drink which would you choose?

+1 on this. The obvious solution is stop getting drunk.

LegacyUser

Hey OP...I agree to an extent what most people here are saying about choosing between the booze or your girlfriend but in fairness, easier said than done in a country where most of our social lives revolve around the pub.

I was in the very same position as yourself...myself and my EX would only fight when we got drunk together and usually only in groups of friends. The fights would start over trivial rubbish and escalate into something really hideous. I agree with the poster who said that when we're drunk, our hidden insecurities come into play and the things we might be thinking in our subconcious day-to-day are said in the heat of the moment instead of sorting it out when were sober.

Anyway, after these arguements became more and more frequent, we started to really resent eachother when we were sober (i think we were both to blame, actually), I didn't look at him in the same way...we couldn't just put it down to the demon drink anymore...something bigger was at work here and it was VERY destructive..we were starting to dislike ourselves and eachother and especially ourselves together because we didn't sit down when we were sober and get to the root of it. It all came to an end when we had the biggest fight of our lives - hideous beyond belief - i still cringe when i think about it. That was 2 years ago and I still believe that things might have been ok if we communicated more when we were sober about our insecurities and maybe not get absolutely hammered at the weekends instead of just a few beers. I think we might have blown a potentially great relationship because we couldn't be adults and communicate maturely.

Don't let the same thing happen with your and your girlf if you love her.

Realistically, I don't think the OP is going to stop drinking and it's not great advice to give someone in this country to be honest, but maybe cut down on the drink and the amount of nights a week you drink, just don't get so drunk from now on, it's ridiculous in this day and age that the Irish are still drinking to get legless...are we not bored of it yet? Things can get really messy and the worst of it is we barely remember what happened the night before and all that is left is the bad feeling. Really get to the root of why you're feeling so insecure. Think about this yourself, if you're willing to take responsibilty for it being mainly your fault like you have done here, then you're half way there. Just make sure you discuss this when you're sober.

Good luck OP

CDfm

I_hear_ye_man wrote: »

I was in the very same position as yourself...myself and my EX would only fight when we got drunk together and usually only in groups of friends.

Don't let the same thing happen with your and your girlf if you love her.

Realistically, I don't think the OP is going to stop drinking and it's not great advice to give someone in this country to be honest

Good luck OP

Im from the country originally and not all life is around the pub.

Anyway you are telling the OP to continue as he is really and expecting the result to be different to your own.

Can I ask whats the difference between a hidden insecurity and drunken fight.

You sound like you miss your ex.

In hindsight would you choose GF or drink?

doolox

In general and with relationships in particular drink can have a bad effect on your life. I know because I have been a drinker for 30 years and it has affected my relationships, my family, my career and my health.
I had the same trouble with cigarettes. I had to give them up after smoking from the age of 15 and found it the hardest thing to do in my life.
15 years later I hardly give them a thought but I am not one of those judgemental types who give out to people who smoke. I was a smoker. I know how hard it is to give up and try to understand people who have great difficulty giving up.
Drink is the same thing, some can handle it, have a few and enjoy it, others like me have to watch every unit and take care not to overdo it. Others have to give up entirely.
My advice would be to start having alcohol free days, probably restrict drinking in large groups as this is giving you trouble. (Mine was the opposite, drinking at home on my own was wrecking my health.....) Find an alcohol free alternative to have with your meals and pace yourself etc.I now use sparkling water instead of beer with my meals and Fruit juice instead of wine etc.
Do not fall into the trap I fell into in finding yourself so fouled up inside that you cannot handle a demanding but well-structured job because drink has you full of insecurities, jealousies, and anger that your brain cannot function and do the necessary to keep a job and be happy in it.
Life is now becoming so demanding that any level of drinking will put you down and damage your ability to earn money and stay competitive.
Partners now know their rights and with easy divorce and legal backing people, men or women, will not take nonsense anymore like their parents did and stay in a relationship with a problem drinker.
Employers and state agencies are fully aware of the effects of drugs and alcohol and are only too willing to remove licenses etc from affected people etc where they weren't as strict in the past.
Read drinkaware.ie and other stuff about the psychological and physical affects of too much drink and give moderation a try.
In my case I have done lent and November off the booze for the last two years. The first November was hard, I spent one night in Tesco's in Maynooth wandering around the wine aisles looking at all the bottles and being tempted to buy and drink the stuff and give up the resolution.
The important thing is that I didn't. I learned more about myself that night.
You can do it too.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Im from the country originally and not all life is around the pub.

Anyway you are telling the OP to continue as he is really and expecting the result to be different to your own.

Can I ask whats the difference between a hidden insecurity and drunken fight.

You sound like you miss your ex.

In hindsight would you choose GF or drink?

No, you're absolutely right that not all life revolves around the pub, of course not BUT you'd be kidding yourself to not admit that a heck of alot of it does and non-drinkers in this country are ostricised (I don't think this is right, btw but this is the case). For example, it's a beautiful day outside and I can guarantee you the pubs will be packed out of it this afternoon around the country (althought maybe not as much as a year ago). In fairness, didn't tell the OP to go on as he is, I told him to drink less frequently and drink less when he's out...something my ex and myself never bothered doing and talk about how their feeling soberly. If this doesn't work, then maybe, yeah, he would have to choose between the drink and his girlfriend. I would agree with you then.

Yeah, I do miss my ex and I'm still kicking myself that we didn't bother our arses trying a different tact.

To tell him to stop completely is not realistic and he gave no mention of having a serious alcohol problem or an addiction although I would agree that if it's affecting your relationships, then it is a problem.

LegacyUser

OP here again. I haven't been online much but thanks for the replies.

You see the thing about the drinking is I don't seem to have any problems when I'm out with mates. I wouldn't be known as a bad drinker. I'm willing to do whatever it takes because as has already been suggested, GF > alcohol. My problem with it lies in the fact that I don't want us to be restricted in our socialising because of that. What I want to do and what I am going to do is limit my consumption and work hard on my behaviour. Let's be realistic, in Ireland the pub is a focal point of peoples social scene. Sad, but true.

I've noticed that some people on this site are far too quick to go down the "it's not working, you're doomed to failure, just break up" route. If everyone had that attitude then no relationships would survive. What ever happened to putting in the hard work when it's needed. Like I said, we're great together and this is the first significant thing we have had to really work on, and, as far as I'm concerned this can be overcome.

Re: her bebo/facebook, she doesn't put up anything bad, or new, it's just in my head. I see pics of her in groups from nights out from ages ago and stuff and her ex would be in the photos (naturally). This is my problem not hers and I need to learn how to cop on.

I intend to sit down with her and be really honest with her about my insecurities soon as I feel that will go a long way (I won't be mentioning anything about social networking sites though).

I do love her, and I do feel like this relationship can go somewhere great with a few adjustments so don't be so quick to just write it off.


Thanks for the replies so far everyone, and please keep them coming.

CDfm

I_ hear_ye_man

I dont drink and am Im not ostracised.Have my g/f, teenage kids etc.Im out 3 or 4 nights at different stuff friends etc.At a business association seminar and no one was drinking.I eat out 2 or 3 times a week anyway.

Really I have quite a good life and most people would like it.

OP is waiting for a trainwreck every night he is out.

I couldnt live that way.

kevmy

It's not just a question of the OP choosing drinking over his gf though really is it?

Sure he could (probably should) cut back on drinking when he is out in a group with his gf but she should probably do the same.

Otherwise than that it's the same old problem as 90% of relationships - communication.

I wager half the things the OP has said here he hasn't said to his gf and whatever problems she has with him are not 100% in the open either. These things need to be talked about (while sober obviously) as nobody is a mind reader and it's makes it so much easier when both parties know where the other is coming from.

My advice in summary, both of ye cut back on the booze while out in a group and talk to each other.