Why am I upset and should I be?

LegacyUser

My partner, who I only see every weekend so for two nights, has his daughter for one night every two weeks. She started crying was having trouble getting to sleep so he`s gone in to sleep with her, no nothing like that its nothing funny. I am not sure why but I feel upset. I`m going in the morning and won`t see him for another week. Shouldn`t he really want to sleep with me? Is it possible that this child is manipulating this situation she`s only nine? Feel like a idiot for being upset not even sure exactly why?

giggsy664

I'm sure he wanted to sleep with you, but as he only gets to see the child once every fortnight, as opposed to twice weekly, he decided to stay with the child, in case he/she was scared etc.

I dont think it's possible for a nine year old to understand how to manipulate a situation like that

dreamer_ire

It's perfectly possible for a 9 year old to manipulate their parents but try not to jump to conclusions about the kid. It actually says a lot about your bf that he is putting the child before himself. I'm sure he'd rather be with you but he is making a sacrifice for the sake of his child.

Is it possible for him to stay with her till she's sleeping and then come and join you? Or maybe settle the child into an earlier bed time so she's sleeping before it's your time?

easyeason3

Nine is too old to have a parent sleep with them. If he/ she had a nightmare then by all means the parent should comfort them but I don't think it it necessary for them to spend the rest of the night with them.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

My partner, who I only see every weekend so for two nights, has his daughter for one night every two weeks. She started crying was having trouble getting to sleep so he`s gone in to sleep with her, no nothing like that its nothing funny. I am not sure why but I feel upset. I`m going in the morning and won`t see him for another week. Shouldn`t he really want to sleep with me? Is it possible that this child is manipulating this situation she`s only nine? Feel like a idiot for being upset not even sure exactly why?

No actually- it will happen.Im divorced.

A 9 year old is a child and at that age my daughter would have climbed into my bed quite happily. Until 12 would have jumped in for a chat on a Sunday morning.

He is comforting the child and TBH thats a pain but you do it cos you love them and need too. When the child is asleep he can come back in.With you is where he would want to be.

I doubt the child is manipulating as such but may have got spooked or lonely. A teddy hot water bottle is great. Open doors -lights and bedtime story routines. I used to use stuffed animals like beany babies and we had a routine of getting the beanie babby of the week for 3 euro(not every week) at the toyshop.So we used to have to tuck the new BB in its new home . Her job was to keep the BBs safe and it worked.

Invest in some nighties and tell the child to come in your room if she is scared. Chances are knowing she can will make her secure and she wont need to.

ladymarmalade

I agree with previous poster, 9 is way too old to have a parent sleep with them. Children can manipulate at this age, I know because i have a son who is 9.

OP I understand your frustration and think you are totally justified to feel this way. However, your bf sounds like a good guy so you need to tread very carefully if you bring this topic up with him, this is his child and he wants to do right by her even if it is at a cost to him. Maybe you should not stay the night his child stays over?

I wish you luck with it xx

LegacyUser

I`ve been around since she was one. She normally sleeps might read her story or watch movie on laptop to get her settled.

She`s been getting more possesive of my OH lately thou and a bit jealous if he gives me attention. Our rooms are next to each other and she`s about 10ft away with doors open and a nightlight.

I can here them snoring and I`m so annoyed. Actually its kind of the nail in the coffin type thing for me. 8 years he doesn`t want kids yet, have to put up with seeing him at the weekend and even then he`s to stressed. I`m not exactly getting my "needs" met either.

dreamer_ire

Sounds like tonight has brought a few things to the surface for you OP. Do you live a distance from your OH or how come you only see each other on weekends?

I might be wrong but your last post reads like you are thinking that you have more invested in this relationship than he does?

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

She`s been getting more possesive of my OH lately thou and a bit jealous if he gives me attention....

Actually its kind of the nail in the coffin type thing for me. 8 years he doesn`t want kids yet, have to put up with seeing him at the weekend and even then he`s to stressed. I`m not exactly getting my "needs" met either.

Are you sure you aren't projecting your own possessiveness and jealousy onto the daughter?

Sounds to me like you want kids with this guy and you are starting to resent the relationship he has with his daughter under your nose, while you go without kids of your own.

This kind of thing is actually quite common, especially between step-parents and step-kids. It's natural you want him to yourself, and sounds to me like you want a family with him, the result of this you are getting estranged from your OH and his daughter and feel like she is increasingly taking him away from you? and away from possible having kids with you?

Could be way off.Don't think so though.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

I`ve been around since she was one. She normally sleeps might read her story or watch movie on laptop to get her settled.

She`s been getting more possesive of my OH lately thou and a bit jealous if he gives me attention. Our rooms are next to each other and she`s about 10ft away with doors open and a nightlight.

I can here them snoring and I`m so annoyed. Actually its kind of the nail in the coffin type thing for me. 8 years he doesn`t want kids yet, have to put up with seeing him at the weekend and even then he`s to stressed. I`m not exactly getting my "needs" met either.

OP - you sound like the ideal gf/stepmum and your partner comes accross as being a very attentive if insecure Dad.Maybe he has had access problems etc.So this is as much about what he should do too.

The idea is tire the child healthilyand not you but manage the time.

Doors open and a nightlight are great. In a different bed I wont sleep and need loads of hugs but then Im a guy(some truth there:)).

You dont mention anything about the Mum. You can be too accomadating in importing routines that dont fit. A child can bring unsettledness from the other parents house.

Sorry if this is a bit parenting issues but with the best of intentions if you want to work on things that has to change and the guy cant be a wuss about it.


A few things I found.

Get a football. There is no point in him being Mum when he is Dad. They can play football together for a while half an hour before dinner.

Abolish/extend bedtime -so what if when the child stays over she goes to bed at 9 instead of 7.30 0r 8. Tell her she is a big girl.The deal being she stays up but has to sleep on her own. If she needs to come in at night come in -but she wont need to.You get what Im saying -she stays up longer but when she gores to bed its bed. Laptops etc for movies just keep her up - humans are social animals- no to laptop it distracts from sleep.


Kids need a sense of community and that means even have friends in for sleepovers. Beg,borrow or steal one every so often as it means b/f aint the childs playmate - ok so you get bunkbeds. No girl wants daddy on playdate and will close the door.It would surprise you how occupied and unibtrusive 2 girls can be together.

Same with play - now the days are longer he should tire her out- is there a playground near. Friday evening might be he takes her 2 playground when she arrives-she runs around for half an hour or so then collects a chinese(all kids will eat chicken balls and chips) or MCDonalds on the way home.Play is very important to children.

Kids sometimes need adults to acknowledge their fears and need silliness. A bit of a game by you hugging him and saying mine childishly will get the message thru to her.Pulling his hand like a game of tug of war still while she is holding his hand does this too. Like it helps her deal with the concept of your relationship without a huge chat. Also a bit of silliness with you like lets put make up on him whole he is asleep creates a conspiracy bond. Children are not adults and dont think the same.

Her busy gives you couple time and believe it or not thats a lot more normal then what is happening.For their outings together - how about the kids club at the cinema -its cheap again the spend time but get her a local friend she can miux with too.

On your needs send him or insist he goes to the doctor to get some cialis or viagra.The shock of that should put your needs back on the aghenda.You could even have fun with this one.Guys get dehydrated from stress and it affects pereformance so get in multipacks of bottled water.

star-pants

OP, since your second post indicates you are together 8 years, this seems a long time to still be only seeing each other at the weekends (IMO). You clearly want more commitment from him & aren't getting it. That's one issue.
The other is his daughter, perhaps you're jealous, perhaps she's jealous. It's hard to tell really. 9 is still a child and as she only gets to see her father every fortnight she may just like to take advantage of the time she has with him (which is only fair). She may miss him terribly and like him being in with her. It is also possible that she's getting to an age where she's unsure of you now, she may have been too young before, but now is more wary and feels more secure when her father is with her not you?

(I'm only guessing all of this btw)
The only thing you can really do is
a) have a long think about the relationship & what you want from it
b) the relationship with his daughter and you, and are you ok with that

Then I would suggest sitting down with your OH and maybe explaining how you feel. You don't wish to come across as a jealous step mother but you want him to know what you want. Communication is the key here. Things can't and won't change/improve if you don't talk about what's bothering you.

RacoonQueen

I only read the first post, but, his child is always going to be his number 1 priority, I wouldn't expect a guy I dated to put sleeping in the same bed as me ahead of his children.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

It's a tricky situation. On one hand I would expect most parents to put their child before themselves or each other for the most part, I would definitely expect a parent who only sees their child one night in 14 to go to extra efforts with that child, even if it's to the detriment of a partner they see 2 days in 7. On the other hand, yes, a nine year old would be well able to manipulate the situation, even if they aren't aware of their motives.

Regardless, it sounds like it's becoming a bit of a competition for time and attention and that's not fair on anyone. You have to sit your partner down for a serious discussion and let him know how you feel & why and come to some kind of plan on how to move forward. I don't think it's fair to blame the daughter for wanting more of her father, she only sees him once a fortnight - it sounds like you wish you saw more of him too & resent sharing in the short time you get together but that's not her fault. Can you see each other other nights, move in together, etc?

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

RacoonQueen wrote: »

I only read the first post, but, his child is always going to be his number 1 priority, I wouldn't expect a guy I dated to put sleeping in the same bed as me ahead of his children.

I have to disagree with RacoonQueen here. It's a bit misleading in that context to say his child is always going to be his 1st priority. You could say creating a stable home for him and his child, which might include a partner, could/should be his first priority...?

Back to the OP, I think CDfm's advice is great, about tiring the child out but also about your bf. My bf has a child too and to avoid any resentment it's really important to me that I feel included in stuff although they have their own time together too. But you never want it to feel like a them v. you thing (obviously that's a really simplistic way of putting it)

And normal life has to go on to some extent during visits, ye need to find a way for her to be comfortable sleeping so he doesn;t have to sleep with her. But you already know that... Does he?

I know at one point when we were having problems we used to check in with each other after each visit that we were both ok with how it had gone, could we do anything differently etc. Is your bf open to talking about this stuff? Sounds like a serious conversation needs to be had.