Third Wheel

LegacyUser

Recently me and my girlfriend have had pretty busy schedules and havent seen much of each other as we'd like to. We try to organise things in advance so as to avoid anything getting in the way.

Recently however her friend has been showing interest in also tagging along which isnt quite as a romantic thing as i had hoped for. At first i thought it was because her friend didnt get to see her but she see's her sometimes more often than me. It couldnt be becuase she's lonely as she has a boyfriend too. I cant see how she doesnt see how she's impeding on what look to be very coupley plans!

Im at odds as to what suggest or say as Id like to spend as much time as possible with my girlfriend uninterupted as we have so little time as it is. Anyone else had this or has any advice would be doing me a world of good as its really weighing me down.

Nevyn

Explain to your gf you have a romantic evening/day planned for the two of you and it's for the two of you.

dreamer_ire

You need to talk to your girlfriend about it and try to come at it from a "last weekend was good fun when the three of us were out... but on Friday week I'd like to us to do something romantic together" angle. tell her that you like doing things with others but that it's also important you have some "us" time. Try and bring it up lightly so it doesn't come across as a big issue.

Hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Here's an example:

I said keep lets do somethign monday cuase were both off, just the two of us, and i agreed to meet up with said friend cause im trying to make an effort to get to know her on a thursday.

Few days pass and suddenly the friend cant do thursday so monday night is arranged instead.

Next day, the friend is also interested the site we were gonna go see so she's tagging along.

LAter that day she suggests we go to a gig together between our evening meeting and the event she's tagging along to and this is what brings me here cause im very frustrated how two days before our date, its now not a date at all.

SarahSassy

Grow a pair and say no to your gf when she suggests someone else comes along...

prinz

SarahSassy wrote: »

Grow a pair and say no to your gf when she suggests someone else comes along...

+1, likewise to the friend. Tell her its causing problems in the relationship and if she was a real friend she'd give it a rest for a while.

dreamer_ire

Talk to her... she can't expect to know how you are feeling if you don't tell her, espically if you appear to be up for it when it comes to going out with the friend. Be open with her and tell her you miss doing couple things together... just the two of you.

SarahSassy

prinz wrote: »

+1, likewise to the friend. Tell her its causing problems in the relationship and if she was a real friend she'd give it a rest for a while.

The sentiment is good but its not the friends fault - its his gf's fault.

LegacyUser

Do you think I havent brought this up already? In fact I just got done telling her how I felt and she said she finds it hard to say no to her friends when they invite themselves in such a way.

Ive tried the obvious in telling her how i felt. While it got the point out there it still doesnt solve the fact this is an issue that will incvite itself pon us again and again.

I came on here to get others peoples perspective or opinions on the matter. As much as I appreciate your opinion, being told to 'grow a pair' isnt exactly constructive in situations that are sensitive to me and potentially to others. I would recommend you pick your words better in future or stop giving advice.

dreamer_ire

In fairness OP it wasn't apparent from your first post that you have discussed this with her already which is maybe why you got some of the responses you did. I don't think anyone is intentionally having a go at you.

As a suggestion maybe next time she tells you that a friend is tagging along that you cancel. If you have talked to her about this already and she is aware that there is an issue you might have to force her into saying no to her friends at times. If you bail out of some prearranged obvious dates due to extra company she'll have to make a choice.... and while you might not like this it will allow you to see where you really stand with her.

Good luck

prinz

SarahSassy wrote: »

The sentiment is good but its not the friends fault - its his gf's fault.

True, but the friend can't be oblivious to what's happening, and her constantly inviting herself along is the cause of it.

bluecell99

Could be something at play here which is not so obvious from what you have said.If you have already discussed this with the g/f and got nowhere then what is her agenda?What was the relationship like before this situation?Does she spend all the time chatting to her friend when you are all together?Whats it like when its just the two of you?Affection there?Do you get the impression she is realy glad to be with you?Or is it in fact now conditional that ye can only go out as a couple when the friend can go.

Serious enough in my humble opinion and you need to take stock.

Do you really want to play second fiddle or be part of a fifty fifty relationship?

Because be in no doubt that if someone is into you there is no room for an accessory.

LegacyUser

apologies for my snap reaction last night. I was pretty worked up as I'll explain.

To be honest we've had discussions like this previously, maybe once or twice, nothing to tense but I really laid it bare last night. After having said conversation I posted here so was quite tense and really needed as many views as possible.

Me and my girlfriend are fine. we really are. I wouldnt at all think she has another agenda or something else is at play. My girlfriends confidence wouldnt be sky high so i think she just has a problem telling her friend no and I as much as she doesnt like to hear it I think her friend is either oblivious to the situation or doesnt give a damn who she impedes on.

We both have a lot on at the mo as I said work wise so I really want to have as much time as possible. I dont like the idea of bailing on ideas cause i know this isnt really my girlfriends fault entirely, she doesnt mean to let this happen, it just kinda does.

Like when were together. the odd time the friend calls and I'd make it clear to wrap up the call as quick as possible cause its often when were out on a date. (She needs to keep phone on for specific reasons i cant go into). She gets my point and tires to hang up on said friend letting her know she's wth me etc but the friend does everything to keep her on the phone and its a real buzz kill.

I have no idea what to say or suggest to her but last night was the straw that rboke the camels back and again im sorry if my replies were a little harsh.

Faith

Why don't you try telling the friend no? It might be rude, but if it's upsetting you enough, it might be worth it (as long as your girlfriend is okay with it, I suppose). Next time she turns up, just say "Hey Becky (first name that popped into my head), nice to see you but I was really hoping for some time alone with my girlfriend. I'd planned this as a romantic date for just the two of us. Maybe the 3 of us could do something together over the weekend or some time.". Maybe even suggest that she brings her boyfriend along too, so she's not hanging off your girlfriend the whole time.

It's a bit weird really that she's coming along so often. I feel terribly uncomfortable being a third wheel, even with my best friend and her boyfriend, who's also a great friend of mine. She needs a kick up the arse to understand that it's not on.#

/edit: The next time the friend calls when you're together, rather than acting irritated and making "wrap it up" gestures, start tickling or kissing your girlfriend, or doing anything that distracts her and makes her laugh. Not only will she want to finish the call, hopefully it'll embarrass or annoy her friend a bit and she'll stop trying to stay on the phone as long.

Nickibaby*

If you spend very little time together at the minute then I think leave the phones aside, make it a rule that both of yous do so that it's not just a rule being made towards her. (I know it sounds a bit childish but it might help)

This 'friend' sounds like she is trying to cause trouble imo. Would she possibly like you and want to cause trouble? I would make it clear to the friend that you and your girlfriend have plans that you want to involve just the two of you. Does her boyfriend hang around with yous aswell or does it just be the friend on her own?

Ickle Magoo

Unregistered wrote: »

she doesnt mean to let this happen, it just kinda does.

Like when were together. the odd time the friend calls and I'd make it clear to wrap up the call as quick as possible cause its often when were out on a date. (She needs to keep phone on for specific reasons i cant go into). She gets my point and tires to hang up on said friend letting her know she's wth me etc but the friend does everything to keep her on the phone and its a real buzz kill.

I don't understand. If she doesn't want her pal to come she just doesn't tell her where she's going & when, no? If she doesn't want to speak to her pal on the phone, she doesn't answer it when it's her pal's number that flashes up. If your gf doesn't want her friend to come along then it's her responsibility both to you & her friend to get that point across.

I don't understand why you think you're gf is powerless to stop this or that her pal is entirely to blame. Playing gooseberry isn't my cup of tea but if your gf is bringing her along & answering calls when she's with you, she's encouraging her pal to be the third wheel.

LegacyUser

At first the friend acted a bit jealous from what I gather. If she rang up to make plans and my girlfriend told her we were doing stuff she'd get a bit snotty and then bear a grudge for a day or two and be back to normal the next.

The friend is a bit spoilt if you ask me. My girlfriend even says as much (cause they friends for a long time) she's not used to sharing attention. Recently she got a boyfriend and I clicked my heels at the news thinking, maybe this will take her mind off us but instead she's ringing up to tell my girlfreidn the latest news on them and what theyre doing etc.

I've never met the bloke (he's real before you ask) so I dunno what the story is there. I wouldnt be too comfortable arranging double dates just yet.

It felt like a competition at times until we kinda started getting along and I decided to make the effort by arranging some time as a group and then other times when it was for me and my girlfriend. But now its nearly a 180, whereas before it was me or her its her all the time now.

I dont want to rock the boat so soon after kinda making time for the girl by saying 'oi, leave us alone' cause no matter what way i politely put it i know itll be interpretted that way.

LegacyUser

In response to the last message, in case i left it out in my last post, she merely tells her what her plans are and the friend invites herself 'oh thats sounds good, when are we going' kinda thing. Puts my girlfreidn in a bit of a tough spot as she doesnt want to fall out with the friend as she can be a bit touchy over even the smallest hint of rejection.

The whole answering the phone thing, as I said it annoys me. It wouldnt be a constant thing but when it happens my gf felt she had to answer it.

to be fair she did intially try ignoring the calls but now that the new boyfriend is in the picture and she gets cryptic messages like 'we have to talk' she worries and feels necessary to ring. I dont begrudge the fact she worried about her friend but when it turns out its over 'he hasnt text me back and its been 15 minutes' or 'what dress will i wear when i see him tonight' it irks me.

Faith

Her friend sounds ridiculously clingy and needy. But, tbh, if neither you nor your girlfriend are willing to take action, then there's nothing you can do beside grin and bear it. The friend is taking advantage of your gf, knowing that she can because your gf doesn't have the balls to tell her to píss off. She's probably also doing it as a way to stick two fingers up at you, in an "oh look, your girlfriend prefers me to you" kind of way. She's an attention seeker of the highest order, and it sounds like she validates herself by making your gf bend over backwards for her.

You've been given loads of advice on this thread, so unless you choose to take it and be proactive, there's nothing else you can do besides put up with it.

How old are you all, by the way? I experienced this kind of behaviour from about 14 - 18, but it's long stopped.

Nickibaby*

Like Faith said if you and your girlfriend arn't willing to do anything about it just grin and bear it. If I were you I wouldn't let this clingy girl control what i'm doing so much. No harm it holding a little back. Why does she need to know everthing that yous do before you do it. It gives her the opportunity to come along. Sounds like your girlfriend wants her to come along with yous.

cafecolour

Honestly, maybe she's bi or maybe the boyfriends a cover, but it sounds the friend could have a 'thing' for your girlfriend.

If not, the friend is ridiculously needy and annoying. What does your girlfriend even get out of this relationship? Maybe she should dumb the friend.

Ickle Magoo

Unregistered wrote: »

In response to the last message, in case i left it out in my last post, she merely tells her what her plans are and the friend invites herself 'oh thats sounds good, when are we going' kinda thing. Puts my girlfreidn in a bit of a tough spot as she doesnt want to fall out with the friend as she can be a bit touchy over even the smallest hint of rejection.

So she stops telling the pal all her plans. If my friends got snotty every time I wanted to do something that they weren't invited to, they wouldn't be my friend very long. It's still your gf's responsibility to set boundaries & tell her friend what behaviour is acceptable what's not within their friendship.

Unregistered wrote: »

The whole answering the phone thing, as I said it annoys me. It wouldnt be a constant thing but when it happens my gf felt she had to answer it.

Why? Why would she feel the need to do something that annoyed her & disturbed your time together. I don't get it.

Unregistered wrote: »

to be fair she did intially try ignoring the calls but now that the new boyfriend is in the picture and she gets cryptic messages like 'we have to talk' she worries and feels necessary to ring. I dont begrudge the fact she worried about her friend but when it turns out its over 'he hasnt text me back and its been 15 minutes' or 'what dress will i wear when i see him tonight' it irks me.

So she tells her friend "I'm seeing X tonight, I'll speak to you tomorrow" & ignores all calls & texts until tomorrow, the pal will soon get the hint. I don't understand why it's being made into such a big issue, if your gf doesn't want to be in contact with or in the company of her friend, then she doesn't tell her where she's going or tells her she's not invited and doesn't answer calls.

The pal seems perfectly happy with the status quo, it's up to the people who don't like the situation to change it & that means setting boundaries with friends & having the respect for each other that your not jumping to every demand & text that friends make.